Truths of the Heart Series, Part Four: Everytime

Author: Batdz Angel (0/)

Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer or any of its characters. They are the property of Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. This is just a way to honor them. And the song belongs to Britney Spears.

Rating: PG-13

Pairings: Spuffy. Mentions of Tara/Willow and Anya/Xander.

Summary: Sometimes, you don't know what you need until your heart tells you. A songfic series for the lovely couple of Spuffy.

Season: Alternate Season Five ending/Season Six.

Author's Note: Fourth chapter. Review please!

Buffy sat on the back porch, hands wrapped around a mug of hot chocolate. She stared out across her yard, hazel eyes watching the shadows dance along as the sun began to set. She could hear the Scoobies inside, Dawn talking animatedly with Willow about school and she swallowed at how happy her sister sounded. A distinct change since she hadn't been able to look at Buffy without anger since Spike had left.

She winced as she remembered how she'd scoured the demon bars for information on his whereabouts. So many things she hadn't known; the ostracization Spike had dealt with from his demon brethren, the utter cruelty they had dished out because he helped her.

She had beaten and killed demon after demon that said something wrong about Spike. She had been distraught at the realization that not only had Spike been pushed aside by her and her own but also by the rest of the world because he couldn't be human or a demon.

Calling out your name

Your face is everywhere

I'm reaching out to you

to find that you're not there...

God, she was really a bitch.

She rubbed a hand across her eye as she set her cup down, closing her eyes tightly. The Scoobies had mixed reactions two months ago when she had told them Spike had left. Willow and Tara had been sad and Anya indifferent. Giles had been disappointed but hid it well while Xander...

Xander had gloated. He'd been so arrogant in his belief that Buffy had finally seen what Spike had said for years.

I wake up every night

To see the state I'm in

It's just an endless fight

I never seem to win...

Xander was so narrow-minded and she hadn't noticed it until Dawn had burst into tears in the middle of his tirade about how Spike leaving was a good thing because he was an evil, soulless monster, blah, blah, blah. Dawn had run up to her room in tears while Xander sat flabbergasted at her reaction.

Buffy hadn't bothered to tell them about the letters. Spike sent one to Dawn each week and one to her every other week. She knew it was because he thought she didn't read them but she had read every single one. She had taken note that the last postmark was in London and wondered where Spike was going.

I can't go on as long as I believe

Can't let go when I keep wondering...

She wondered if he took the chip out; it wouldn't surprise her if he had. She'd asked Tara and the witch had smiled at her concern.

"I doubt Spike would hurt us without it," she said with confidence. "He loves you and Dawn too much Buffy."

"But he's a vampire Tara," Buffy argued. "He can't possibly comprehend between what's right and what's wrong."

"Oh, honey," Tara reached over and squeezed her hand. "I think Spike is more than just a vampire. I mean, some demons may be inherently evil but that doesn't mean all demons are evil. There's quite a few who are very good and peaceful."

"Vampires aren't one of them," Buffy insisted as she pulled away from Tara. "They don't change, they're just demons in a human corpse..."

"Honey," Tara pulled her down gently. "What's this really about?"

Where are you now?

What have you found?

Where is your heart when I'm not around?

Buffy didn't look at her, staring down at the floor. She exhaled loudly and said softly, "You weren't around for my relationship with Angel but...it was intense. I mean, every girl dreams of her knight in shining armor you know and that's what Angel was. My knight. My protector..."

Tara noddedsilently as Buffy continued, saying, "He always made me feel safe with him. I didn't have to be the Slayer with him, I could just be Buffy. And I wanted that, I needed that. I didn't want to be a girl that always had to fight the monsters..."

Her voice turned bitter. "And then Angelus happened. And my knight was gone. I didn't have anyone to protect me anymore and I had to be the Slayer all the time." She wiped at her tears and said, "Angelus hated me and I hate that. Spike loved me. His demon loves me and why is it that the man I would've died for couldn't love me as much as him? Why couldn't Angelus love me like Angel had and like Spike does?"

Tara had no reply as she gathered Buffy into her arms and let her cry.

Where are you now?

You gotta let me know

Oh baby so I can let you go...

Buffy entered her house with exhaustion, her body weary. Patrol had been extremely tiring, in addition to the regular vampires, she'd had to slay a demon with horns and skin like concrete. It had taken her two hours to kill the damn thing and she was tired and cranky. She hung her coat up, making a face at the bits of cement on it, and turned towards the living room. Blinking she said, "Hey Xander. Dawn asleep?"

"Yeah," Xander said as he stared at her strangely. "Tough patrol?"

"Yeah," she replied with a yawn. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

"Before you go to bed," Xander said, his tone oddly bland. "Answer me a question."

I can hear your voice

The ring of yesterday

It seems so close to me

And yet so far away...

"Sure," Buffy said as she sat down in a nearby chair with a wince. "What's up?"

"Why do you and Dawn have letters from Spike?" Xander asked, his voice frosty.

Buffy blinked. She stared at Xander, her eyes narrowing as she said lowly, "What?"

"Why are you and Dawn getting letters from Spike?" Xander repeated, his voice rising. "What's the deal Buffy? What's the blood sucker writing you for when you told him to get packing?"

"First of all," Buffy snapped her exhaustion vanishing as she rose to her feet. "What gives you the right to go through my mail? Second, what gave you any idea that I told Spike to leave? Third, who the hell do you think you are Xander?"

I should let it out

Save what's left of me

And close the doors of time,

Revive my dignity...

"I think I'm your friend Buffy!" he retorted loudly. "And I deserve an explanation!"

"I don't have to explain a damn thing to you," Buffy hissed as she spun around and to the door. Throwing it open, she said, "Get out."

"Not until you explain to me what a vampire is doing writing you letters," he snapped and Buffy said sharply, "Because maybe I wanted him too!"

He stared at her in disbelief. "Who are you?" Xander demanded. "You're not the Buffy I remember! She would've been ecstatic to have a fiend like Spike out of her life!"

"Then you don't know me do you?" Buffy said icily. "Because I can tell you right now Xander, I don't want you in my house. Spike is Dawn's best friend and he is also the only being on this planet who doesn't expect me to jump through hoops."

But I can't go on as long as I believe

Can't let go when I keep wondering...

"What the hell does that mean?" Xander said.

"It means that you, Willow, and Giles have done it," Buffy said. "You've made it so that I am so terrified of disappointing all of you, that I don't even bother making decisions without checking if it's okay. When Angel and I were together, you made it clear that you hated him. When Riley and I dated, you were so happy. Because he was human, right?"

She shook her head, angry tears filling her eyes. "You hate demons but you're going to marry a woman who was one for a thousand years," Buffy said. "You dated girls who always wound up being demons. Who the hell are you to lecture me on living my life and being friends with people I want to be friends with?"

"I think you're crazy," Xander said as he walked out the door, angrily. "If you believe that Spike isn't out there, without his chip, murdering innocent people."

"I know he isn't," Buffy snapped at his retreating back. "Because he wouldn't lie to me if he was. And you know how I know Xander? Because he's never lied to me like you."

Xander stopped at the end of stairs. Turning, he said lowly, "What?"

Where are you now?

What have you found?

Where is your heart when I'm not around?

"What was it you said," Buffy said coldly. "The night I killed Angel? Willow told me to what? Kick his ass, right?"

Shock and shame flittered over Xander's face as she stood in her front door. "She said that, right Xan?" Buffy hissed. "Or did I hear you wrong?"

He said nothing, his face pale and she snorted in disgust before slamming the door shut. Turning, she came face to face with Tara, Dawn, and Willow; each with varying expressions of shock, surprise, and disbelief. Buffy stared at them all for a moment before crumbling. With a sob, she fell to the floor as her sister caught her, saying, "Oh Buffy. It'll be okay..."

Tell me, where are you now?

You gotta let me know

Oh baby so I can let you go...

Dawn peered in on her sister, worry crossing her features as she watched Buffy toss and turn in her sleep. Sighing, she closed the door to her room and went downstairs, frowning as she saw Xander and Anya sitting at the dining room table.

Willow had called Giles after Buffy was in bed and asleep, hysterical over the argument between her and Xander. Despite Dawn's protest, a meeting had been called for the following morning and Dawn angrily sat down as she glared at Xander then Willow, who lowered her eyes.

"So, you say Buffy was hysterical?" Giles said as he wiped his glasses. "Are you sure Xander?"

"Well, I know the real Buffy wouldn't defend Spike," Xander said sullenly. "And she wouldn't call him a friend either."

"You know what," Dawn said irritably. "Why can't you just accept the fact that she's getting letters from Spike and so am I? What is your problem Xander? Because Buffy is friends with you, she can't be friends with anyone else?"

"Dawnie," Willow began softly. "She's the Slayer. Vampires aren't supposed to be her friends."

"And I'm a Key," Dawn shot back. "And considering I'm thousands of years old and stuff, I shouldn't be friends with humans, witches, and a Slayer, should I? Who the hell are you to judge Willow?"

The redhead deflated, saying, "I didn't mean to..."

I should let out time to let you go

Oh baby, I just wanna know...

"Oh, honestly," Anya said irritably. "Why don't you just admit it? You guys don't want Spike and Buffy being friends because then, she won't need you all so much."

"Anya," Xander began to scold her but the ex-demon shook her head.

"No, Xander," she said sharply. "I'm not shutting up or being quiet. I'm going to say this: you guys are all used to being Buffy's sidekicks, backup, whatever. Now, she's got a supernatural being that's just as strong as her and just as fast, and who probably knows more about demons than any of you. That's intimidating and you guys don't like it."

"That's not true," Willow began but Anya was on a roll.

"And I think it's stupid and petty and immature of the lot of you," she said. "Because Buffy may not be able to use any of you to fight but isn't it a good thing she had someone around to help her out? To keep her alive?"

Where are you now?

What have you found?

Where is your heart when I'm not around?

Giles, Willow, and Xander all looked uncomfortable. Dawn let out a sound of disgust and got to her feet. "I want you guys to leave," she announced. "Willow, I'm sorry but I saw you looking in your books this morning. You marked a page for a memory spell and I know what it does. I read it."

Willow paled as Tara, who had been quiet the whole meeting, looked at her with disbelief. "Willow?" she said stunned, her hand coming up to finger the small bunch of violets she had pinned to her sweater.

"It was just a little spell," Willow said helplessly. "Just to make Buffy forget her fight with Xander and..."

"I don't believe this," Buffy's voice came from the doorway. "So, what Will? Gonna erase everything Spike did to help too? Gonna make me forget he exists?"

"Buffy," Willow turned to face her friend and swallowed. "I swear, it wasn't-"

Where are you now

You gotta let me know

Oh baby so I can let you go...

"You were trying to help right?" the Slayer said from where she stood in the doorway. Dressed in jeans and a black sweater, hair tied back into a severe ponytail, the Slayer stared at them all. "I cannot believe any of you," she growled. "I told Xander to leave my house and unless he has an apology ready, I want him out. Now. And I want you gone too Will. I'm sorry but I don't feel right letting you live here if you're going to be using spells at random."

"Buffy," Giles said as he got to his feet. "Really, that's not necessary. I agree that Willow should never have thought to even use magic on you-"

"Giles, I'm sorry," she said then stopped. "Actually, no I'm not. I'm done, got it? It's over with. All of you, except for Tara and Anya are no longer welcome to my and Dawn's home. I just defeated a Hell God and I don't need the three of you questioning my judgement on Spike."

With that, she turned and walked up to her room. Slamming the door behind her, she sank onto the mattress, pulling out the letter Xander had found the day before. Thankfully, it hadn't been opened and Buffy breathed a sigh of relief as she slid her nail beneath the flap. She read for a few minutes and then a bright smile broke out on her face.

At the bottom of the page, in bold, clear letters, Spike had written fours words. Four words that gave Buffy hope.

I'm coming home soon.

She hugged the letter to her chest and whispered, "Soon. He's coming home..." as fresh tears of joy spilled down her cheeks.

End Part Four