Thanks Shaami & Todo for reading this weird thing & thanks for the reviews.
I hope I can figure out what this story is about soon so I can write a
better summary.
Next chapter as ordered Todo *salutes* I hope it's acceptable ma'am. (Can't
help being sarcastic, gomen ^_^)
~-~
I've been sat in the park for hours now & it's beginning to get cold & dark, so I suppose I'd better head home, neesan will be wondering where I am anyway. Though today brought back some unpleasant memories, I think it was probably a good thing.
I've avoided thinking about it for a long time now, & it was about time that I had to face it. My main concern right now isn't what happened so long ago however, it is whether or not Marik knows what happened & told the others.
Upon my arrival into the house, Marik greets me quickly with a concerned look, surprising for my yami normally, let alone considering I snapped at his earlier, he should be angry with me. Wonder if this means he knows then? He's only normally this understanding when he knows what's wrong with me after all.
"Um, can we talk Malik?"
Yeah, he definitely knows why I snapped earlier, great. I suppose I have no choice but to talk to him then, I need to know if he told the others about it. I nod my consent & head to my room. I don't really feel like dwelling on the past any further today, unfortunately, I know Marik is going to push me for answers, he wouldn't have asked to speak with me otherwise.
Upon arriving in my room, I turn on my CD player, though not paying attention to what plays & collapse on my bed, today has been emotionally exhausting & I just want to relax now, damn my yami for being concerned & curious.
I sigh. "What is it you want yami?"
"You know what I want Malik, I want to know about her, why she still makes you sad."
"Did you tell them anything Marik?" Worry laces my words.
"No hikari, I know better than to do that."
I let out the breath I didn't realise I was holding, this is a big thing for me though, I've never even told neesan about her, she was my secret, my pain.
"I hurt because I felt responsible for what happened to her, it's guilt."
"Is that really all it is? Did you love her hikari?"
I stare at him, feeling as though I've had the wind knocked out of me. Earlier he didn't understand love, now he knows how I felt? How do I answer that? Do I even want to? What does it matter if I loved her anyway? She's been dead for years.
"It doesn't make any difference Marik." I retort spitefully.
I don't mean to, but this subject makes me very defensive, I guess I'm being a coward & am trying to shield myself from any pain.
"Hiding this makes it worse for you hikari, she isn't going to come back, you need to move on & the only way you can do that is by admitting everything."
I laugh bitterly, I know he's right but I don't want to admit that. Why did he have to get so smart all of a sudden? Must have spent too much time around neesan I guess.
"Yes I fell in love with her, I still love her even now, so I miss her a lot & that's why it hurts me, okay?"
I have to try hard to stop tears from falling, I don't need to cry anymore over this, I've already cried enough & my tears solve nothing, they only make me seem weak, no, they allow others to see I'm weak. Marik has yet to say anything, he just looks at me with a mixture of curiosity & sympathy. I hate sympathy, it only makes people feel even more weak & helpless, but I'm not helpless, I don't want anyone's sympathy.
"I'm sorry hikari, I know I'm making you angry again, I didn't mean to. These emotions are new, I don't understand them."
I snicker slightly, seeing my psychotic yami acting like a child is amusing, even if he is technically one. This is certainly a far cry from his behaviour at Battle City, not that I'm complaining. Most things have changed dramatically since Battle City though.
"It's okay Marik, I should know better. Just promise me one thing, okay?"
He nods innocently. "What is it hikari?"
"Lets not talk about her again, or tell anyone?"
He looks conflicted, but finally nods his agreement.
"Okay Malik, I won't ask any more about her. I already told you I wouldn't tell though."
I smile slightly as he leaves the room, he really does seem so young, innocent & dependant sometimes, it's like having an ototo. I really do love my yami as family, as my ototo; sometimes he can be more trouble than he's worth though.
~
I didn't really want to make that promise to Malik, I know he needed me to though; otherwise I would've refused. I want to know more about her, at that time, Malik didn't care for people, so I want to know what made her so special. I want to know how she died too, all I saw was him crying over her corpse, I could only see part of her head, which wasn't much to go on.
I enter my own room eventually & lay on my bed, much as Malik had done. I guess we both have a lot to think about after today. I hope Bakura will drop the subject too; I really don't want to have to lie to him anymore. My baka thief friend probably won't though, for some reason he seems to have started being very nosy when it comes to Malik, he's also started showing compassion towards him, it's very strange.
I really don't understand people, I did wonder if it was because Bakura has a 'crush' on hikari, but I don't think he feels things like that, it's much too out of character for the thief, he doesn't care about anything, well, other than his own hikari.
Saying that however, most would say the same for me, I'm meant to be just as uncaring as Bakura, if not more so, I was trying to destroy everyone after all. Still, things have changed a lot since then, for both Bakura & I. Our hikari put a lot of effort into helping us, Ryou begged Yami not to destroy Bakura & Malik begged Yami to help find me & bring me back from oblivion.
We all got something from that ordeal though, bodies of our own, so we don't have to suppress our hikari's, or in Yami's case, be suppressed by them. I still don't know how Malik managed to convince Pharaoh to help him though & I probably never will. It was probably his hikari's pathetic need to forgive everyone & only see the good in them, though if that is the case, I shouldn't be complaining.
Anyway, I've drifted off my original point. The point in thinking all of that useless junk was to make admit something to myself. I said everyone would assume I couldn't care either, just as we all assume Bakura can't, when the truth is that I do care for someone, other than family. That's why I was enquiring about love earlier; I wanted to know what it as I was feeling.
You see, the truth of the matter is, that I've fallen for someone, I don't know whether it is love or not still, but I intend to figure that out, as well as deciding if my feelings are returned, whatever they may be.
~-~
Well, it's still odd & plot-less, but hey, I updated at least. I'm not sure when I'll update next, as I've kind of used up my ideas so far, well, current ideas anyway, I have some for pairings still.
Anyway, let me know what you think & I'll update when I think of something, maybe Thursday night, as stress relief, because Thursday is going to be a bad day -_-
Please review, you know you want to ^_^
Ja ne.
~-~
I've been sat in the park for hours now & it's beginning to get cold & dark, so I suppose I'd better head home, neesan will be wondering where I am anyway. Though today brought back some unpleasant memories, I think it was probably a good thing.
I've avoided thinking about it for a long time now, & it was about time that I had to face it. My main concern right now isn't what happened so long ago however, it is whether or not Marik knows what happened & told the others.
Upon my arrival into the house, Marik greets me quickly with a concerned look, surprising for my yami normally, let alone considering I snapped at his earlier, he should be angry with me. Wonder if this means he knows then? He's only normally this understanding when he knows what's wrong with me after all.
"Um, can we talk Malik?"
Yeah, he definitely knows why I snapped earlier, great. I suppose I have no choice but to talk to him then, I need to know if he told the others about it. I nod my consent & head to my room. I don't really feel like dwelling on the past any further today, unfortunately, I know Marik is going to push me for answers, he wouldn't have asked to speak with me otherwise.
Upon arriving in my room, I turn on my CD player, though not paying attention to what plays & collapse on my bed, today has been emotionally exhausting & I just want to relax now, damn my yami for being concerned & curious.
I sigh. "What is it you want yami?"
"You know what I want Malik, I want to know about her, why she still makes you sad."
"Did you tell them anything Marik?" Worry laces my words.
"No hikari, I know better than to do that."
I let out the breath I didn't realise I was holding, this is a big thing for me though, I've never even told neesan about her, she was my secret, my pain.
"I hurt because I felt responsible for what happened to her, it's guilt."
"Is that really all it is? Did you love her hikari?"
I stare at him, feeling as though I've had the wind knocked out of me. Earlier he didn't understand love, now he knows how I felt? How do I answer that? Do I even want to? What does it matter if I loved her anyway? She's been dead for years.
"It doesn't make any difference Marik." I retort spitefully.
I don't mean to, but this subject makes me very defensive, I guess I'm being a coward & am trying to shield myself from any pain.
"Hiding this makes it worse for you hikari, she isn't going to come back, you need to move on & the only way you can do that is by admitting everything."
I laugh bitterly, I know he's right but I don't want to admit that. Why did he have to get so smart all of a sudden? Must have spent too much time around neesan I guess.
"Yes I fell in love with her, I still love her even now, so I miss her a lot & that's why it hurts me, okay?"
I have to try hard to stop tears from falling, I don't need to cry anymore over this, I've already cried enough & my tears solve nothing, they only make me seem weak, no, they allow others to see I'm weak. Marik has yet to say anything, he just looks at me with a mixture of curiosity & sympathy. I hate sympathy, it only makes people feel even more weak & helpless, but I'm not helpless, I don't want anyone's sympathy.
"I'm sorry hikari, I know I'm making you angry again, I didn't mean to. These emotions are new, I don't understand them."
I snicker slightly, seeing my psychotic yami acting like a child is amusing, even if he is technically one. This is certainly a far cry from his behaviour at Battle City, not that I'm complaining. Most things have changed dramatically since Battle City though.
"It's okay Marik, I should know better. Just promise me one thing, okay?"
He nods innocently. "What is it hikari?"
"Lets not talk about her again, or tell anyone?"
He looks conflicted, but finally nods his agreement.
"Okay Malik, I won't ask any more about her. I already told you I wouldn't tell though."
I smile slightly as he leaves the room, he really does seem so young, innocent & dependant sometimes, it's like having an ototo. I really do love my yami as family, as my ototo; sometimes he can be more trouble than he's worth though.
~
I didn't really want to make that promise to Malik, I know he needed me to though; otherwise I would've refused. I want to know more about her, at that time, Malik didn't care for people, so I want to know what made her so special. I want to know how she died too, all I saw was him crying over her corpse, I could only see part of her head, which wasn't much to go on.
I enter my own room eventually & lay on my bed, much as Malik had done. I guess we both have a lot to think about after today. I hope Bakura will drop the subject too; I really don't want to have to lie to him anymore. My baka thief friend probably won't though, for some reason he seems to have started being very nosy when it comes to Malik, he's also started showing compassion towards him, it's very strange.
I really don't understand people, I did wonder if it was because Bakura has a 'crush' on hikari, but I don't think he feels things like that, it's much too out of character for the thief, he doesn't care about anything, well, other than his own hikari.
Saying that however, most would say the same for me, I'm meant to be just as uncaring as Bakura, if not more so, I was trying to destroy everyone after all. Still, things have changed a lot since then, for both Bakura & I. Our hikari put a lot of effort into helping us, Ryou begged Yami not to destroy Bakura & Malik begged Yami to help find me & bring me back from oblivion.
We all got something from that ordeal though, bodies of our own, so we don't have to suppress our hikari's, or in Yami's case, be suppressed by them. I still don't know how Malik managed to convince Pharaoh to help him though & I probably never will. It was probably his hikari's pathetic need to forgive everyone & only see the good in them, though if that is the case, I shouldn't be complaining.
Anyway, I've drifted off my original point. The point in thinking all of that useless junk was to make admit something to myself. I said everyone would assume I couldn't care either, just as we all assume Bakura can't, when the truth is that I do care for someone, other than family. That's why I was enquiring about love earlier; I wanted to know what it as I was feeling.
You see, the truth of the matter is, that I've fallen for someone, I don't know whether it is love or not still, but I intend to figure that out, as well as deciding if my feelings are returned, whatever they may be.
~-~
Well, it's still odd & plot-less, but hey, I updated at least. I'm not sure when I'll update next, as I've kind of used up my ideas so far, well, current ideas anyway, I have some for pairings still.
Anyway, let me know what you think & I'll update when I think of something, maybe Thursday night, as stress relief, because Thursday is going to be a bad day -_-
Please review, you know you want to ^_^
Ja ne.