( Author's Notes: Ack, has it really been almost three months since I updated? Bad me! I really have been trying to get this chapter out for a long time, but I just couldn't write it. Writer's block, I s'pose. I couldn't draw for a while, either. But I just told myself to start writing, things would flow…and wouldn't ya know, it did. Imagine that. Anyway, I changed the title of the story—"The Mary Sue Murders" seemed to fit much better. Tell me what you think, and enjoy! )
Grumbling, Johnny set to work scrubbing the freshly-splattered blood from his door. "Pizza kits? Why the hell would I want to buy some kit to make my own pizza when I can just call Parcheesi's? Miserable little monsters." Earlier, a group of middle-school students had knocked on the door, offering to sell Johnny a make-your-own-pizza kit, claiming the proceeds went to the school's already overindulged sports program. His answer was a shovel to the head of the group's leader. While he had managed to give her a concussion and possibly some severe hemorrhaging, the others had scattered almost immediately, leaving Johnny to clean up the mess himself.
He backed up to see if the blood was completely wiped from the door when the heel of his boot thumped against something hard. Looking down, Johnny saw that one of the children had dropped their display kit in the midst of running away. The bottom of the white cardboard box was starting to soak up blood, but otherwise it looked untouched. "Well…I don't think they'll be coming back for it…and I haven't had lunch yet," Johnny mused, stooping to pick up the kit. "It also gives them a lighter load to carry." Whistling cheerfully, he picked it up and carried it into the house.
Johnny kicked the door shut behind him and dropped the kit onto his messy, dilapidated table. He opened the lid to find a packet of ready-made dough, cheese, a tube of sauce, a packet of pepperoni, and oregano. "Well, damn. This is just a Lunchable you have to cook," he said, mildly disappointed. There was no oven in the house (though it could be a useful investment for future tortures) and Johnny was not patient enough to attempt cooking a whole pizza in the microwave. Emotionally rebounding, he grabbed the cheese and pepperoni and proceeded to make a snack out of them. He was happily slicing cheese and layering it with pepperoni when…
Knock! Knock! Knock-knock-knock!
His head jerked up, an eyebrow rising at the sudden disturbance. In a rare moment of clumsiness, the knife slipped from his hand, piercing the tube of tomato sauce, causing it to squirt everywhere…mainly Johnny.
"AAH! Fuck!" he yelled, wincing as the sauce splattered his face and hands. As if things couldn't get more hectic, the visitor knocked again. Johnny was used to chaos; he just wasn't used to being the center of it all. "Damnit," he muttered, walking to the door and pushing it open bitterly. "What do you want?"
The caller, apparently, was not prepared to see Johnny dripping with tomato sauce with a sour look on his face, from the surprised expression in her eyes. Her thick, wavy golden-blonde hair was held back in a ponytail, a few tendrils hanging loose by her face. Her crystal blue eyes held a surprised look, but at the same time radiated love and warmth. She wore a dress that matched her eyes, and she was very thin. She looked at Johnny and coughed nervously. "Erm…yes, hi. I'm your next-door neighbor. My name is Epiphany."
Just how many "next-doors" do I have?
"You see, I was outside tending to this poor creature's wounds…it flew into my window"—she held up a battered bird, which, to Johnny, looked dead—"when I heard the darling little children at your door. I looked over my fence, preparing to tell them I would support their cause, when all of a sudden I saw you hit that child with a shovel!"
Johnny licked some sauce from his fingertips, looking at Epiphany boredly. "Oh, goodness. My temper really got the better of me, didn't it? Oh well, though, you can't say she didn't deserve it. By the way, congratulations. You're the first person to ever catch me." You aren't making it out alive.
Epiphany clasped her hands, looking at Johnny with a deeply concerned expression. "You poor thing! You're so mentally ill, I can't let you go! Look at you—you're covered in blood and you're licking off, enjoying it!"
Blood? Looking down, Johnny stopped in the middle of sucking his fingertip. "This isn't blood, it's pizza sauce, you twit. I accidentally stabbed the container and it…"
"You really are delusional!" cried Epiphany, flinging herself upon Johnny. "I can't leave you now! That's it, I'll just have to care for you until you're all better again." She released him, and pushed past Johnny into the house, her back turned towards him and ticking the steps on her fingers. "I'll have to show you the way of a normal life, clean your house, fall in love with you to make it all easier, and possibly follow it up with some good healing sex. We'll have you being a respectable member of society yet, and I'll most certainly show you the light!"
Sighing, Johnny let his head fall into his hand. "Shit, do I really have to explain this again?" he said to himself as Epiphany rattled on. "I'm going to hate myself for this, but…" He picked up the sauce-covered knife from the table and held it behind his back, a forced smile crossing his face. "Oh, yes…uh, Epiphany. That sounds great. I can't wait to live this…light-filled life you so sickeningly described to me in full-color detail."
Epiphany blinked as the words sunk in. No one had ever so willingly given in to her help. Clasping her hands again, she turned around, her eyes alight with happiness. "Oh, really? You mean it? This is fantastic! You'll be my life's work! We'll fall in love and I'll convert you with one mad night of passionate sex and lovechild creation, and before you know it, you'll be soft and fuzzy and living a wonderful normal life!"
Like Hell I will.
She flung herself upon him again, almost crushing Johnny in a gigantic hug. "I can't wait! Let's—ACK!" Her words were cut off by the violent thrust of a knife through her abdomen, as Johnny's forced smile faded into a deranged one. He twisted it around cruelly for a moment before pulling it back out, the blade now covered in much more than pizza sauce.
"Yes, let's. Let's get started with our lesson, shall we?" He didn't wait for Epiphany to moan a response before continuing. "Of course, you're not going to teach this lesson, but it's still an educational experience. You see, the human race is full of many interesting subgroups. I myself happen to belong to a rather fucked-up subgroup that I seem to be alone in. This group is badly neglected and needs repair, but it's still a group nonetheless," he said, gesticulating as he walked around his fallen visitor in a circle.
"One such example of the flaws is human contact. Many need it to survive; I, however, thrive without it. Every time I happen to make contact with another pitiful being, it always ends in chaos and disorder, mostly my doing. Do you happen to know the cause of this, why everything I do ends like what you're experiencing right now? It's because of your ignorance! People like you are so wrapped up in their imaginary worlds that you cause things that shouldn't happen! If more people would pay attention to the real world and take note of what happens, I probably wouldn't be so screwed in the head, because stupidity would no longer exist!" he yelled, pointing at Epiphany with the blade. "Everyone likes to think whatever works for them is what is right and you want to enforce it on others, never mind the many glaring examples of how this doesn't work in the past!"
Epiphany coughed, clutching her abdomen as her blue dress slowly became more and more purple. "I just wanted…to help you…"
Johnny loomed over her, eyebrow raised. "Is that so? Well, another thing I thrive without is help. I am perfectly capable of helping myself when I need it, and it seems that I don't need it right now, do I? I'm really doing the world a favor by ridding it of people like you. From chaos comes clarity, you know."
"No…I refuse to believe that. You just…all you need is love…"
"Fuck love!" yelled Johnny, driving another stab into Epiphany's abdomen, ignoring her pained cry. "Love is nothing more than hormone-driven contact, and I already said I don't need contact! People never listen! You're just telling me that what's best for you will work for me by default!" Fuming, he turned around, wrapping his arms around himself.
"I just wanted…to do you a favor…" she whimpered, struggling to sit up.
Johnny looked over his shoulder. "Really. I admire your willingness. But take a fucking hint now and then and leave those who don't want your 'favors' alone!" He whirled around and threw his knife at her, stabbing Epiphany through the heart and pinning her to the wall.
Sighing, he ran a hand through his hair. "That felt good. I need a snack…hey, I still have that cheese and pepperoni from earlier! Whee!" Grinning, he ran out of the room and back into the living room, ready to finish what he'd started.