Chapter 21 – Don't push me away

OoO

"Sirius, wait." She grabbed his wrist. "We need to talk."

"I - uhm – I'll see you at breakfast." Remus looked between them before he darted out the room. But before he disappeared, he waved his wand over Peter's bed.

"Sirius." She tugged his arm to make him turn around. His grey stormy eyes found hers and her heartbeat fasted involuntarily. "You're avoiding me again."

He looked to the ground but didn't pull away from her grip. "I'm not."

"You are. Remus said you visited me every day when I was unconscious. You even tried to play the ukelele for me." She smiled softly. "And now you barely look me in the eye. You promised me you wouldn't push me away again."

"I don't want to frighten you." He said quietly as he looked at her hand on his wrist.

Izzie took a step forward; their chests almost touching each other. "Fuck, Sirius! Don't you see?" Her eyes were large as he turned to look at her. "You'll never frighten me. You make me feel safe, you make me feel – you make me feel loved."

"Izzie." He cupped her cheek, taking a few steps forward until her back hit the bedpost. He closed his eyes, his breathing shallow. "You mean so much to me." She could feel his breath on her face. "I don't want to be the one that scares you when I touch you." A finger went down her arm, she shivered. "I don't want to scare you when you wake up next to me."

"Sirius, back in the hospital wi-"

"You've been through so much." He leaned his head against hers. His breath moved small pieces of her hair. "I probably don't know the half of it, but there is something big I don't know. And you don't need to tell me, but I have a feeling that you need time to heal."

She turned her head away from his and looked out the window. "You might be right but that doesn't explain why you push me away, again."

Sirius let his head fall in the crook of her neck, taking in a deep and shuddering breath. Her whole body shivered as she felt his lips move against her skin as he spoke. "Because I feel so much for you, more than I've ever done anyone. Like I said, I don't want to scare you and I want to give you space to heal. But maybe, a little selfishly, I don't want to get hurt."

Her fingers wove in his hair as his face remained nuzzled in her neck. "I won't hurt you, Sirius. Not intentionally. But I – I need you, the way you calm me is completely different than how Remus does it. The way you make me feel -" She gasped a little as Sirius planted a kiss just on the pulse in her throat. The grip in his hair tightened, and he growled in the back of his throat. "Don't push me away. I can choose when I need space and I'll know you'll give it to me when I need it."

"I'll give you everything you need."

"Then don't push me away."

"Alright." He murmured against her throat. "I won't."

"Promise me." Her voice stuttered a little.

"I promise not to push you away." He kissed her pulse again. "I promise to give you everything you need." Another kiss.

"Good." She breathed, her lips grazed the shell of his ear, making him shudder. They stood there for a long moment, neither of them moved. Sirius hands were low on her hips, his face nuzzled in her neck. Her cheek rested against his ear, one hand intertwined with his hair, while the other hooked a finger in his jeans pocket.

"Help! Help!" Peter suddenly shouted, making them jump apart. "I can't open my curtains! Is someone there?!" His curtains rattled but he didn't seem to get them open.

Sirius and Izzie looked at each other before they started laughing. She tugged him out of the dorm before waving her hand releasing Peter from his temporary prison.

OoO

The next three weeks, things seemed to go back to normal. Sirius begged her to help with the ukelele. Was it really to learn how to play the instrument or was it just an excuse to spend time alone with her? It didn't matter to her, she as much wanted time alone with him as well. They never been so close again after that morning in the dorm, she hasn't felt his lips against her throat since. And she craved it, no, she needed it. She's been more forwarding with teasing and flirting and Sirius took it all in replying with his own flirts, but nothing ever happened. He was still so careful with her, keeping his distance but never pushing away like he promised. In the past weeks, she secluded herself from time to time. When she tried a night without a sleeping draught from Pomfrey, she woke up screaming again, and a few minutes later she was curled up next to Remus.

"You know -" Sirius said as he looked up from the ukelele. He had been focusing on the strings, his head bend forward and looked devastatingly handsome. Her eyes were dark and wanting when he met her gaze, which made his speech falter. He cleared his throat and looked away. "Moony never told me what spell he used to climb the girls' staircase."

"Why do you want to learn?" She asked, a slight purr in her voice. "Someone you want to visit at night?" She shuffled closer to him; their shoulders brushed against each other. She let her finger graze over his that were resting on the strings. "Someone in particular?"

Sirius wasn't one to blush, she had at least never seen it happen when other girls talked to him. She had seen it when Remus or James complimented him or told him he was amazing. Not in a big-headed way, in a way he was never got praised from his parents. But she had noticed she could fluster him, make him blush for the past months and she revelled in it.

But now she needed more than a flustered Sirius Black. Ever since that night, since her uncle, she was in need of wanted physical contact, wanted from both sides. She needed to feel his skin under her fingers, those lips against her neck. She could ask anybody else, but she wanted him, she trusted him, she felt safe with him. That's why she was more straight forward but he never caved in. The thing she feared the most was that this was a coping mechanism that will hurt Sirius and she said she wouldn't. She knew the thing with her and Sirius was fragile and had potential to be so much more. But she wasn't ready for more, she wasn't ready to give her heart away. What she needed now was desire, contact, consuming hands she could control. But she didn't try her fullest, she didn't throw herself at him because of the thought of hurting him would break her. She knew with each half-hearted try; nothing would come of it.

"Is that an invitation or an accusation?" He said with a lopsided grin, his fingers still under hers.

"If I were to teach you, it wouldn't be so you could visit other girls." She hopped off the desk. "So, make of that what you want." She winked. "Ready to go?"

He swallowed thickly and took her outstretched hand. "Yeah, but I have to warn you -"

"You guys have been planning a belated birthday party?" She lifted an eyebrow.

Sirius looked utterly surprised. "How did you know?"

"Your baby brother." She smirked as they walked through the hallways, hand in hand, not intertwined but still. "He accidentally let it slip when he gave me my present, but he didn't seem remorseful. He was glad I was in the know, he was afraid what would happen if a group of people ambushed me with a happy birthday."

"That's- considerate." Sirius mused. "But that's why I was send with you." He winked. "To calm you but I couldn't let you go in there unprepared either."

She squeezed his hand, halting him to stop. He looked at her with a slight tilt in his head, a questionable look. She cupped his cheek, and he stilled as she leaned up, kissing the corner of his mouth.

"Thank you for the warning." She pulled back for barely a centimetre, their faces so close together. Her heart was racing and oh, how she wanted to kiss him. But a kiss like that, a kiss after a moment like this would be the start of something she wasn't ready for. Sirius's eyes flickered up and down, from her eyes to her lips and back. He was starting to lean in, but he didn't have to lean in far, so she pulled back quickly. "You and your brother are more alike than you think." She said a little breathlessly.

Sirius seemed out of breath too, at one point in time his hands had found a way to her hips. He squeezed her hips. "Thank you for bringing us closer again." He said before he let her go.

"Anything for the Black brothers." She smiled. "Can we go to the party now?" She asked excitedly, bouncing on her heels.

"Yeah, yeah." He pulled his arm around her shoulders and tucked her close to him as they stalked up the stairs. "I get it, you want to open all those presents that are waiting for you."

"Or maybe I just want to dance with you again." She toyed with the pocket of his jeans. A lopsided grin appeared on his handsome face as he looked forward, a blush evident on his cheeks.

OoO

The party was in full swing, presents were already opened, and drinks had flown abundantly. She was a bit sad that Regulus wasn't there, but she could understand why, he wasn't ready to face a full room of Gryffindors. He had given her the birthday present the night he let it slip from the party. She had drunk quite a bit, her head on the edge to being fully drunk. She already had danced with Lily, Remus and even James. But now her arms were curled around Sirius's neck, her head nuzzled in his neck. He was holding on tight to her, his hands on her waist.

"Thank you for tonight." Her lips brushed the bare piece of his neck as her fingers twisted in his hair. His whole body shivered against her.

"It wasn't just me." He whispered back.

"I know but I wasn't just talking about the party." She let her lips rest against his skin, not really a kiss.

"Izzie." The grip on her waist tightened.

"I want to show you something."

"Another secret of the great Isabelle Miller?" He chuckled.

"Actually." She pulled back, looking up at him with a mischievous smile. "It's a secret from the castle. One that none of the Marauders has discovered yet. No, not even Remus." Her eyes sparkled.

"Oh, now I'm intrigued. Where in the castle may I find this secret?" He said all charming.

"Right here. In the common room."

He frowned. "Is it the way into the girl's dorm? A secret button or something?"

"No, keep your mind out of the gutter." She slapped his chest playfully. "Look around, really look around. What do you see or rather what don't you see?"

Her eyes didn't wander around the room, they travelled over Sirius face while he searched the crowded common room. The way his mouth moved as he whispered to himself, not audible over the music, the way his brows knit together, the way he shakes his head as he thought of something too obvious. She smiled as she tipped his head, making him look up higher. She resisted moving her hand of his cheek. Then she saw his eyes stop at the right spot.

"There's a window missing." He turned to her beaming, and oh it made her heart skip several beats. Not acknowledging he was correct, she pulled him towards the side of the common room. Sirius watched in wonder how she traced her finger in a certain pattern over one of the bricks. Then she stepped forwards and suddenly she was standing above him. Sirius looked flabbergasted behind her, but he didn't see anything. Izzie giggled at his confused face. Giggle, she must already be drunk then. She pulled his hand, and he took an attentive step forward until his feet touched something solid, invisible but solid. When they reached half of the landing, Sirius stopped her, he was gazing at the crowd below them.

"They can't see us. Once you step on the staircase, you're invisible."

"How did you find this?" Sirius asked in awe, looking back at her.

"I'm not trading all of my secrets with you." She winked and pulled him up the last steps. At the spot where a window was supposed to be, was a small wooden door.

"Uhm." Sirius eyed the small door warily.

"You might have to crawl in but inside it's big enough, trust me." She pulled on the tiny doorhandle and the door opened soundlessly. She crawled in first and Sirius had a hard time looking away as she ducked, her short skirt not covering everything before he followed her in. She was watching him again as he entered the room. He was looking around with large, beautiful stormy grey eyes and the lust grew again. Izzie took a seat at the hidden window gazing out of the castle grounds. The room was about nine square meters. It had two benches on either side of the window. Sirius sat down in front of her, but instead of gazing outside, his gaze was on her.

"You're amazing." He breathed.

"It's one of my secret hiding spots, hidden in plain sight." She pointed her wand at the closed door. It suddenly became invisible, and you could see the party that was going on in the common room.

"Wicked." Sirius leaned closer to the door to see what was going on. "Oh." He laughed. "James is laying it on thick again."

"Hm." She hummed and stared outside again.

"What's wrong?" Sirius was leaning towards her again, his face oh so close. The scent of leather and rain in the woods filled her nose, making her want to strip him bare. And the alcohol was pushing her that way too.

"Nothing." She didn't take her eyes of the scenery, trying to fight those urges.

"Izzie." His long fingers guided her face back towards him. "Talk to me."

His soft eyes, his black hair that fell over his shoulders, she said something she shouldn't. "I need something..." Her eyes travelled down to where one of his tattoo's peaked out of his shirt.

"Anything."

Her stupid drunken mind told her to just do it, no matter the consequences. She lunged forward, attacking his bare, tattoo free throat with her lips. She straddled him, one hand slid up his shirt and the other found its way in his hair. Sirius stilled under her before his hands went to her thighs, his fingers skimming the edge of her skirt. But she needed more, she needs to feel more of him. She moved on his lap until they were flush against each other, and his hands slid upwards. She was kissing his throat, his neck, his jawline but she avoided his lips even though she wanted to kiss them desperately.

"Izzie." Sirius groaned as she sucked on a sensitive spot.

"You said you'd do anything." She said between her kisses.

"You have no idea how much and how long I wanted this." He moaned as she kissed his collarbone, unbuttoning a few of the upper buttons of his shirt. "But I can't, not like this." She pulled back, her breathing heavy. "You haven't even kissed me, truly kissed me. I know your hurting, but I can't do this, I can't be just a distraction. I'm not that guy anymore, I won't do casual or one-night stands."

She felt his hands leave her body as she jumped up, turning away from him, trying to hold back the tears.

"Izzie, don't push me away."

"I'm not." She hated how her voice trembled. "But I think I'll head to bed. Night, Sirius." She didn't look at him as she climbed out of her hidden room.