(12-3-04) Thank you everyone who reviewed! Let's see... I don't want to respond to each one individually cuz that takes a lot of time and space and too many people said relatively the same thing... Sorry. So, general response to 24: Thank you for not killing me about the Bush comment. If you watch Venture Brothers, yes I did get the 'forsaken child' thing from there. Meant to tell you that...Hm... I used a couple peoples' suggestions... Or they suggested something I'd already thought of... Whatever. Thank you all... If I forgot anything, feel free to reprimand me.
CHAPTER TWO
A Magical Ugly Fruit?
"What's going on, guys?!" Kuwabara yelped as Shadow dragged him into the room. She snapped her fingers and dropped Kuwabara into the chair that appeared.
"Interviews! I just want to ask you some questions. Yusuke just got through this and he was, for the most part, unharmed. This leads us to believe that similar torture on you will have a similar effect. Did you understand that? It meant we come in peace and are not going to harm you. I just want to ask some questions."
"Um... Okay."
"Very good! I'll skip all the trivial things about injuries and stuff and cut right to the chase. Topic: career. Question: Kuwabara, what were your first thoughts when you saw a demon for the first time?"
"Um... I don't know. What was that thing you said about injuries?"
She ignored him. "I believe that would have been at Genkai's tournament, wouldn't it have been? Rando?"
"Oh. Yeah. But what was that--"
"ANSWER THE QUESTION!"
"I don't know! He was ugly!"
"Kinda like you?"
"What?"
"Do you think a magical ugly fruit might have been the cause of your unattractive face?"
"A what?"
"You kinda look like an ugly fruit. Oddly shapen..." She tilted her head to one side. "Orange."
"What are you talking about?!"
"Something beyond your comprehension, apparently, though it really is quite a simple concept. Moving right along, next question: How did you feel when Yusuke was killed the second time?"
"How do you think I felt?"
"Right. Stupid question. Do you plan on ever doing anything outside Reikai Tantei work?"
"Well, I want to go to a good college and make a life for myself like a normal human."
"But you aren't normal. Why the hell would you want to be normal when you can be different? I laugh at normal people! NORMAL PEOPLE SUCK! FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING! But probably literally, too. Why would you want to be a normal person?"
"Because... I want to fit in and--"
Shadow waved a hand at him. "Enough, enough, I don't care about the deep recesses of your reasoning. Though I have my doubts on how 'deep' your reasoning really is... What with your obsession with kittens and all. What kind of normal human teenage boy is obsessed with kittens?"
"Kittens are very manly!"
"Yeah, just like roses, right?"
"Roses are manly, too, I guess..."
"Right, you're just saying that so a certain rose-wielding teenager I know won't whip your ass off. Literally speaking. Why are you obsessed with kittens, anyway?"
"Because... Kittens are... Cute?"
Shadow stared for a second, then burst into laughter. She doubled over, fell out of her chair, hit her head on the table, and rolled across the floor to the door, opened it, rolled out, and shut it. It was shut for barely a second when it opened again and Shadow came walking back in with a dead serious face.
"So, Kuwabara, what are your thoughts on gay rights?"
"Uhm..."
"That's why I thought. You want to have gay sex with Karasu. Next question."
"WHAT?! NO! I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING!"
"That's exactly the problem! STOP SAYING 'UHM' AND 'UM' AND ANYTHING SIMILAR! DOLT!"
"Fine! I approve of gay relationships because I believe people should be happy no matter what it takes."
"Aren't. You. Special. At least you aren't a prejudiced bastard like that Yusuke kid I know."
"Huh?"
"Next question! How often do you drink the blood of virgins?"
"Never!"
"That's what I thought. Why don't you?"
"Why would I?"
"It's supposed to keep you healthy, I think. Don't you go for the whole vampiric Goth thing?"
"No!"
"Hm. Just as I suspected. You're secretly attracted to Karasu."
"WHAT?"
"I know where he's been making a home for himself. Would you like me to call him? He probably wouldn't go for you, but it's worth a--"
"NO! GROSS! That pervert wants Kurama, not me! And thank God for that!"
"Aww, I'm telling Kurama! You'd rather Karasu raped Kurama than put yourself in that sort of danger! The poor fox would lose his marbles if that creep raped him! But you don't care! You're really just selfish! You're not as emotional as you act! You don't care! You sad, strange little man. And you are little. In the mind and in the... Ahem. Speaking of small things, how is your relationship with Yukina going?"
Kuwabara stared, making stuttering noises, surprised and utterly baffled by the change of topic. And what did small things have to do with Yukina? Shadow waited politely for a moment before calmly leaning forward and slapping him straight across the face. Then she sat back and repeated the question.
"Yukina and I are getting along very well," Kuwabara said defensively.
"Really? What if Yukina suddenly started showing an odd affinity for Kurama, or Yusuke? What if she totally rejected you and went after Koenma or some totally random stranger in the street one day? Don't you think she and Hiei look cute together? I think they're cute together. It's cute, isn't it?" She held up a framed picture of the said demon and his sister. Kuwabara glared.
"What are you getting at?"
"Nothing. Hiei's not going after Yukina, anyway, so don't worry about that. Because that is what you were worried about. I read minds."
"I--"
"So what are your thoughts on human/demon relationships? Should they be allowed? Because, you know, that's what your relationship with Yukina is."
"Of course they should be!"
"You just say that because you want to be with Yukina. But in all honesty, I don't think they are. Wouldn't that be funny?"
"Not really."
"But if human/demon relationships are against the law then me, Eclipse, and Yusuke are all illegal. Tsk."
"Well what about half demons and demons?"
"What about half demons and humans?"
"What?"
"Yusuke and Keiko. Half demons and demons are fine, by the way, purely because I said so and if anyone tries to stop me, their heart will be on a platter and served up with a cucumber and peanut butter sandwich. Doesn't that sound appetizing?"
"No."
"I think it does," Eclipse interjected.
"See? You're just a stupid ningen and you don't understand these things. I like eating hearts. And drinking the blood of virgins. I could drink my own blood if it weren't for last night. I don't fit the requirements anymore."
"WHAT?"
"I'm just kidding."
"Yeah, sure... You know, you really know how to make a guy suspicious."
"Yes, I know. The way I am so calmly stating all this in a matter-of-fact sort of way, you can't tell whether I'm joking or not. Isn't that encouraging?"
"Um..."
"But that's got nothing to do with anything. So, Kuwabara, if you, Youko, Hiei, and your sister were the only ones left on this planet, how would you go about repopulating the human species?"
"What?!"
"Not that it'll ever happen, because if Hiei would kill you, which he would, then it'd be two demons and a human and there would be no chance of ever repopulating humans. Of course, before he killed you, if you'd wanted to repopulate humanity, that'd mean you would have had to impregnate your sister, and the child would be misformed and weird, and so then, if it was a daughter, you'd have to make her pregnant to, and eventually the world would be full of inbred Kuwabara-descendants and if that happened, I'D RETURN FROM THE DEAD AND DESTROY HUMANITY! If Hiei hadn't already due to your offspring being as retarded as you, which he probably would have so I wouldn't have to worry about it. Case closed, problem solved, you're a genius Sherlock, it's quite elementary dear Watson, have a nice day and come back soon."
Kuwabara stared blankly. He had no idea what she'd said in the past five minutes. She smiled at him for a second, then continued.
"My next question for you, Kuwabara, is this: Are you jealous of Hiei?"
"What's there to be jealous of?"
"He's about a trillion times more attractive than you in every way, and he's a better fighter. What's there NOT to be jealous of?"
"Uh... He's short."
"There's nothing wrong with that. It makes him cuter. What about Kurama? Are you jealous of Kurama and his trillions of fangirls?"
"No, because I have one girl and she's enough."
"Yukina, right? What would you do if she said she didn't love you?"
"She would never!"
"Do you find Hiei attractive?"
"What?!"
"I thought so."
"No!"
"Kurama?"
"No!"
"Yusuke?"
"No!"
"Koenma?"
"No!"
"Karasu?"
"No!"
"Keiko?"
"No! I mean, yes! I mean, well, she's--"
"Aw, I'm telling Yusuke you have the hots for his girl!"
"I didn't say that!"
"What are your thoughts on the current American government, Kuwabara? Do you want to help plot the assassination of one of America's highest government officials? Or will I have to send in my weasels? The imp informants tell me that security at the White House is really quite pathetic."
"What are you talking about?"
"I don't know. Do you have a secret stash of money anywhere in your house?"
"None of your business!"
"Where is it?"
"If you think I, the great Kazuma Kuwabara, would ever tell you that I keep my money in my underwear drawer, you are sadly mistaken."
"That's okay, I don't want it now," the girl said, turning green.
"What?"
"WHY WOULD I WANT MONEY YOU KEPT WITH YOUR UNDERWEAR?"
"HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT'S WHERE I KEPT IT?"
"YOU JUST TOLD ME!"
"I did?"
"I'M ASKING QUESTIONS, NOT YOU!"
"SORRY!!!!"
"YOU HAD DAMN WELL BETTER BE SORRY, NINGEN!"
"I AM!"
"I KNOW!"
"THEN CAN WE STOP SHOUTING?"
"I LIKE SHOUTING!"
"I DON'T!"
"THEN WHY DO YOU DO IT SO MUCH?"
"I DON'T!"
"YES YOU DO!"
"NO I DON'T!"
"YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED SHOUTING BEFORE YOU EVEN STARTED, BUT NOW YOU'VE GOT ME ON A ROLL AND I WON'T STOP SHOUTING UNTIL SOMEBODY PUNCHES ME IN THE STOMACH AND KNOCKS THE BREATH OUT OF ME SO I HAVE TO GASP AND PANT, AND YOU WON'T DO THAT SINCE YOU'RE A PANSY WITH A HONOR CODE AND YOU WON'T HIT GIRLS!"
"PLEASE BE QUIET!"
"NO! AS A MATTER OF FACT, I THINK I'LL SHOUT... LOUDER!"
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE SCREAMING ABOUT IN THERE?!" Everyone stared at the door. Shadow leapt out of her chair and slammed into the floor in front of the door on her knees.
"It's the mighty voice from beyond the opaque obstacle! Identify yourself, one who speaks to us from the outside!"
"...Shadow?"
"You're not Shadow! I'm Shadow!"
"No, you... Oh, forget it. Just stop yelling. You're irritating me and pissing off Kurama, so--"
Shadow threw open the door and hugged Hiei, dragging him inside the room in the process. Pinning him against the wall, she said, "I could bring you in here and interview you next, but... I think I'll wait... People can send me questions for you via review, email, telepathy, or they could show up at my front door if they felt it was that important. But the fans will have to wait. Because you're gonna be the most interesting to interview."
"What are you talking about?" the fire demon asked.
"The Great Authoress Shadow spake these words unto me: Shadow, thou shalt intervieweth the members of the organization known as 'Reikai Tantei.' Intervieweth them in a manner of interest to keepeth the fans' rabid minions away from me. Forsooth, woe is me if the minions reacheth my stronghold. Another word I will not write-eth until my soul can possess the capable body of a demon."
"Oh, God. You're acting on a commandment like that?"
"Yes I am."
"How did you even understand her?"
"Because... SHE IS MY DARK HALF! WE THINK ALIKE! THE SPARROWS! OH, GOD, THE SPARROWS! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE! AHHHH!"
Hiei stared. He was still pinned to the wall. Kuwabara slunk out of the room without Shadow's notice while she wailed and cried about sparrows. Once in the hall, he took off running as fast as he could. Eclipse hung out the doorway and video taped him as far as she could, until he was out of sight. She'd kept the camera focused on him the entire time, even though the interview hadn't continued once Hiei had spoken through the door.
Faintly, downstairs, she heard the front door slam. Shrugging, she leaned back into the room.
"Hey Sha-- Oh, must you do that? On tape?"
"Do what?" Shadow said innocently, wiping her mouth on the back of her hand and looking around curiously. Hiei sighed.
"You just video taped that, Eclipse?"
"Well, Shadow did say love sells..." the girl replied innocently.
"Sell? You're selling this?"
"No, we're just trying to get a lot of peoples' attentions so they won't forget Authoress Shadow while she writes a long story," Shadow replied. "I guess having us make out could get peoples' attentions, though I hadn't intended for it to be on the tape... Oh well!" She pressed her lips against Hiei's again, then pulled back and released him from the body pin she'd held him against the wall with. "You're free to go, dragonfly."
Hiei left the room, muttering to himself and flipping off the camera as he walked down the hall.
"That was quite uncalled for. Now, back to-- Hey, where'd Kuwabara go?!"
"He ran away when you were making out with Hiei."
"What! Why didn't you stop him?"
"You didn't tell me to! You just told me to video tape everything! So I was, and he got away during that and it's NOT MY FAULT! Because I'm not security, too! That would be too much work and too little pay!"
"You aren't getting paid."
"EXACTLY!"
"Besides, I'm security!" Shadow snapped.
"Fine!"
"Fine!"
"Fine!"
They got closer with each 'fine' until Shadow hit her head off the camera lens.
"Fi--OW!"
Thud.
Okay, here. List of people left to interview: Koenma, Karasu (Shadow wants to!), Kurama, Hiei. Possibly Botan, Keiko, Shizuru, Yukina... You can submit questions for any of these people, and also suggest who else can be interviewed... Also... I think there was something else but I forget... Durn it.
I HAVE BEEN BRANDED WITH THE MARK OF THE BAKA! -Me (Put me, Mello Yello, my best friend, and post-it notes in Japanese class and that's what you get.)