(1-7-2005) First chapter of any story posted in 2005... And it's horrible. I mean... I'm sorry about this chapter, but I wrote it all in the middle of the night and when Eclipse read it, she had real wide eyes for the majority of it and it's perverted for the majority of the chapter... To the R-rating-for-safety point... (yes, note rating) Stupid Shadow... Why'd she have to pick on Hiei?

THE NEXT CHAPTER
Pessimists are the happy people

Hiei slammed into the ground with a startled grunt.

"Gimme the rope!" Shadow said frantically. Eclipse tossed her a length of rope, and the fire demon girl quickly immobilized Hiei.

"Hey! Get this off me! Turn off your stupid camera! Let me go! I'm gonna kill you! Mmmph!"

And gagged him.

"There! That should do it!"

Hiei didn't struggled, but he looked coldly up at the girl, and if she'd had any sense, she would have realized he had every intention to make her suffer intense pain the second he got the chance.

"See? Women are superior," Shadow said. She picked him up and they started towards home. "None of your fire demony tricks can save your ass NOW! Muwahaha!"

Hiei sighed. "You suck."

"Yes. Want to make something of it, pansy?"

"Forget it."

Ten minutes later, Shadow was hauling poor Hiei up the stairs to the greatly famed Room of Interviewing. She untied him and dropped him in a chair.

"You gonna behave?"

"I'm gonna leave," he said, getting up. Shadow pushed him back down in the chair and shortly had his ankles bound to the chair legs and his entire upper body wrapped in ropes to keep him there.

"Now, Hiei, I expect you to behave while I ask you questions. I'll only hurt you if you provoke me."

"Bitch."

"What? I'm just satisfying the fans' demands. They want me to interview you, and interview I shall! State your name and age for the record."

"My name's Hiei and my age is none of your fucking business."

"Do you even know your own age?"

"A roundabout figure," he admitted.

"And that is?"

"More than one hundred."

"That's it? That's all you know about your own age?"

"I stopped counting at forty."

"But you look no older than twenty."

"Demons age slowly."

"Do I look like a little child to you?"

"No."

"But I'm only sixteen, and if I age slower, I should look, like, ten or something, shouldn't I?"

"Maybe your aging is more effected by your ningen blood than your demon blood."

"Damned ningens," she muttered. "Anyways, so you're Hiei, age unknown. What are your hobbies, Hiei?"

"Killing people, burning things, and hating you."

"What about searching for your sister?"

"What the hell do you know about that?"

"Only what you guys have told me. She's really only your half sister, she's Koorime, and her name's Yu--"

"Shut up!"

"--kina... and you know where she is so it's not really searching."

"And when I was, it wasn't a hobby," Hiei snarled.

"Okay. So what about your sister? What's she like?"

"Go away, Shadow."

Shadow blinked. "Okay." She turned and left the room. Crickets chirped as they waited for somebody to return.

"Is she... uh... gonna come back?" Eclipse asked.

"I hope not. You wanna untie me?"

"But.. That was a really short interview..."

"Untie me. NOW."

"Yessir!" She moved towards him, grabbed the ropes, the door burst open and Shadow shot across the room and latched onto Eclipse's arm with her fangs. The girl screeched and jumped back, waving her arm frantically to try to rid herself of the parasitic fire demon girl. Shadow clung on like one of her weasel minions. Finally, Eclipse kicked her and sent her spiraling through the air and into the far wall. She hit and fell to the ground with an animalistic snarl.

"Erm... Help me?"

Shadow bound towards them on all fours, lunged over Hiei's chair, over Eclipse's head, and turned herself in mid-air to kick the door shut and push off it into a flip which landed her in front of Hiei. He stared.

"So, Hiei, what are your thoughts on gay rights?"

The demon's mouth hung open as he stared at Shadow with wide eyes. She blinked politely, then screamed, "ANSWER ME!"

"Um... Yes?" he said cluelessly.

"Yes what?"

"To whatever you said."

"I asked your thoughts on gay rights. 'Yes' doesn't really answer that."

Hiei rolled his eyes. "I don't care about gays. It's not looked down upon in Makai. Ningens are stupid and narrow-minded."

"Couldn't agree more. Next question: What is your opinion on the current American government?"

"I don't KNOW!"

"I figured... It's just that I asked everyone else, so I had to ask you, too."

"I don't care about the stupid American government, Shadow! If America starts blowing up Ningenkai, I'm going back to Makai, where I belong."

"I'll come with you."

"No you won't."

"FINE! I'LL STAY HERE AND DIE IN A NUCLEAR WAR! SEE IF I CARE IF YOU CARE!"

Hiei blinked. "Uh..."

"So Hiei, what were your thoughts when Kurama threw himself in front of your sword to save Yusuke's butt?"

"Does it matter?"

"I ASKED, YOU ANSWER! Or you'll stay tied up in that chair forever and I'll have to feed you nutrients via injections into your bloodstream with an unsanitized needle. You'll shortly get some kind of vitamin poisoning and die since I don't know the first thing about that..."

"Fine. God, psycho... I was pissed. Kurama had been tamed by the stupid humans and betrayed me. Then he threw blood in my eye, and that was hardly pleasant."

"What'd it feel like?"

"It felt like having blood thrown into my Jagan eye!"

"Um... Elaborate?"

"Imagine having blood thrown into your eyes, your normal eyes, and multiply that by several dozen."

Shadow winced. "Owie... So what happened when you were dragged off to Reikai kicking and screaming like a pansy girl?"

"I wasn't kicking and screaming, I was unconscious."

"Yeah, but between when Yusuke whipped your sorry butt and when you had to help him with the castle beasties, what with their stones and ice and stuff, what happened? That was a long time, wasn't it?"

Hiei sighed. "I was in prison."

Shadow snorted. "Bet that was humiliating."

"Shut up."

"Do people get raped in Reikai prison, too?"

"No. Parts of Reikai prison are so high security you probably couldn't sneeze without them rushing over and checking on you to make sure you weren't escaping or hurting yourself. They don't put two demons in the same cell. Ever."

"Aww, so you were all by your lonesome for all that time Yusuke was training and everything?"

"Yes."

"In prison?"

"Yes."

"But what about you helping out with the missions? Wouldn't he have let you off after you agreed to that?"

"The stupid toddler didn't even think of that until he got that letter from the beasts. He was all set to sentence me to eternal damnation or something."

Shadow looked horrified. "I can't believe it! He would sentence an innocent little thing like you to such a horrible fate?"

"I'm not innocent."

"Then you're a deadly criminal and deserve to be sentenced to eternal damnation?"

"The prospect is hardly appealing, to say the least..."

"Well then shut up. You're cute and innocent. I could get you feathery wings and a halo to go with it if you want."

"No thanks."

"So after you were stuck helping Yusuke, after you guys were all jolly friends and all, and you ended up being Mukuro's heir, why did you come back here?"

"I dunno. There was something Koenma needed me for, and I kinda ended up staying here and next thing I know, we were sent to find you... And now I only go when Mukuro needs me... Which isn't often, as you know."

"And you come back in crappy condition when she does call you."

"At least I come back."

"True."

There was a pause. "So, Hiei, do you hate me for tying you to that chair?"

"Yes," he answered without hesitation.

"I see. What is your opinion of Kurama?"

"What? He's my friend. What does it matter?"

"What about Youko?"

"He indulges himself too much, he harasses you, but he's an excellent fighter and I respect that."

"Oh. And how do you really feel about Kuwabara? I mean, we all know you 'hate' him, but we also all know you 'hate' me and 'hate' Kurama and that you're a little twit who hides his feelings. So what's your real opinion of Kuwabara?"

"He's okay for a stupid ningen, I guess. I can tolerate him if need be."

"Very nice." She paused. "What about Karasu?"

"Karasu is an asshole who is supposed to be dead."

"Yes."

"I hate him. Honestly."

"Because he harasses Kurama?"

"Because he's Karasu. Koenma revived him for some stupid fish!"

"Squid."

"Whatever! The stupid toddler revived a high-class lecher demon in exchange for squid. I guess I really hate Koenma more, then..."

"Interesting. So here's a question that I'll bet is on everyone's mind: When you lose a shirt or break a sword, how is it they're replaced so quickly?"

Hiei blinked. "Magic?"

"THAT'S MY EXCUSE!"

"To tell the truth: Plot holes. I pull a new shirt out of a passing plot hole if I can't get to a tailor shortly. I pull a swordsmith out of a plot hole to fix my swords, then toss them back when I'm satisfied. He usually ends up in a totally different era or something 'cause I toss him through a different plot hole than the one I fished him out of." (okay, so I got the plot hole thing from a Kenshin fic by Miss Behavin...)

Shadow blinked. "Interesting."

"It's true."

"Ah... I'll take your word." There was a pause. "So, Hiei, have you ever been raped?"

The fire demon's eyes widened in horror. "No. Why the hell would you ask something like that?!"

"I dunno. It happens a lot in Makai. I just figured maybe, when you were a kid or something--"

"I was powerful as a child. I didn't gain my power as I aged like most demons. I was an A-class demon when I was a very small child."

"Really? That's pretty cool. I was a pansy-class halfbreed when I was a very small child."

"You still are," the demon muttered. Shadow glared, putting the very tip of a rather large knife on the headband on his forehead.

"What was that?" she asked menacingly. Hiei stared with wide eyes at the knife, which was perfectly poised to render his Jagan quite useless and in effect probably kill him from the pain. Or at least put him in a whole shitload of agony.

"I said I would never believe you could possibly be weak, Shadow. You are such a powerful girl with such vast experience that you could take over all three worlds if you felt so inclined," he blurted hastily. He relaxed as the girl took the knife away from his precious third eye and grinned, striking a pose.

"I know! Aren't I great?" she said proudly.

"Of course you are. I've never met anyone else as wonderful as you," he said. The sarcasm was quite obviously there, but undetectable to Shadow's mind. After five minutes of striking and holding various poses each ten seconds, Shadow very abruptly sat back down and asked the next question.

"What are your thoughts on relationships, Hiei?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, would you ever want to be in one? Get a wife, settle down with kids, that sort of thing?"

"Do I look like the type of person to ever settle down someplace?"

"Ye-- Well, no. Cuz even though I'm here, and you live with me and all, you still go and abandon me for lengths of time to return to Makai and kill stuff for some woman I've never even met." She blinked, then got a threatening look on her face. "Youko says demons are bisexual by nature. Is that true?"

"Of most demons, yeah... Why?"

"How do I know you aren't in a secret relationship in Makai? How do I know you aren't in a secret relationship with Mukuro?"

Hiei paled. "Why would I be?"

"Have you ever had sex, Hiei?"

"Well, yeah..."

"With who?"

"Is that any of your business?!"

"It was Mukuro, wasn't it?!"

"No!"

"Really?"

"Yes?"

"Then it was Youko!"

"WHAT?!"

"It was, wasn't it!?"

"NO! Gods, no!"

"What? If you're bisexual, that means you could be attracted to him."

"But I'm not."

"You sure?"

"Yes! God, Shadow!"

"So then you're heterosexual?"

"I--"

"But isn't that against demon nature?"

"Some demons are asexual. The Koorime are."

"And since you're half Koorime, you could be too!"

"What?! Cut me a break! I'm a man, Shadow, and men, demon or otherwise, do not have the ability to carry or bear children, despite what you may have read in fanfics!"

"So you're not bisexual, you're not asexual, you're not heterosexual, does that make you homosexual?"

"I'M NOT ANYTHING!"

Shadow shrieked. "HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? DO YOU NOT HAVE A... Y'know..."

"Shadow! You are sick!"

"But if you have no sexual orientation, what did you have sex with?"

"What is that your business? And I do have sexual orientation, you baka, it's just none of your business!"

"I'M GONNA MAKE IT MY BUSINESS!"

"What?!" Hiei yelped.

"TIME TO DETERMINE HIEI'S SEXUAL ORIENTATION! KIDS, COVER YOUR EYES!"

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Hiei screamed as Shadow tackled him onto the floor. He was still quite tied to the chair, and Eclipse let out a shriek.

"I AM NOT GOING TO RECORD PORN, SHADOW! GET OFF HIM!"

And, of course, at that precise moment, Youko happened to walk by. Why was Youko Kurama wandering the halls of Shadow's house now? Hadn't Kurama gone home? Perhaps he appeared out of a plot hole. Or maybe Kurama didn't go home... (Cue Twilight Zone music)

The door burst open. "What the hell!" the fox yelped. "What are you DOING?!" He ran to Shadow and dragged her off Hiei, holding her up to his eye level by her collar. She squirmed a bit, then hung still and realized who was holding her. She jabbed her finger against his forehead.

"YOU! YOU'RE HIEI'S SECRET LOVER, AREN'T YOU?"

"Ew! No!"

"Ew? Thanks, fox, you make it sound like I'm a disease..." Hiei muttered absently as he rolled around trying to get up.

"Do you know who his secret lover is, then?" Shadow asked.

"You?"

Shadow's leg swung up and connected with the poor fox's groin area. He dropped her and doubled over, snarling. She quickly hid behind Hiei's chair.

"So who is it, Hiei?" she whispered.

"Shut up!"

"Were you dominate?"

"What the hell, Shadow! It's not your business! Or the business of anyone who you could possibly show this to!"

"You weren't, were you!" she said triumphantly.

"Go away!"

"Can't. Angry injured kitsune in the way. So what's it like?"

"SHADOW!"

"I mean, I hear it's supposed to be all wonderful and everything, but I can't imagine how having some large thing rammed up your ass would feel good."

"That's it, rating's going up," Eclipse muttered, but her comment was muffled by Hiei's shout.

"WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT RAMMING ANYTHING UP ANYONE'S ASS?!"

"You."

"I DID NOT!"

"But you didn't have sex with Mukuro so you had sex with some guy, didn't you?"

"NO!"

"Ew! A he-she?"

"NO!"

"Yourself?"

Hiei blanched. "I don't know if that's possible."

"Sure it is, Hiei. It's called mas--"

"WHO ASKED YOU, FOX?!"

"Is that what you did?" Shadow asked. Hiei growled, then started scootching himself slowly but surely towards the door. Shadow grabbed the back of the chair, righted it, and sat on Hiei's lap. "Am I bothering you?"

"YES!"

"If you would just answer my questions properly, maybe I wouldn't embarass you like this."

"You didn't interrogate anyone ELSE on their sex life, did you?"

"I asked Youko how many partners he'd had. I asked him if he'd ever had sex with Kuronue. But I wasn't to the R-rating-for-safety level."

"R-rating. Gods. Leave it to you to make poor Authoress Shadow put an R-rated fic up on her page..." Youko sighed.

"Poor Authoress Shadow my ass. You have no idea the kinds of things she's written in that mystery fic of hers."

"Whatever."

Shadow looked at Hiei, whose lap she was still sitting on. "Hiei, would you like for me to..." She looked at Youko, then leaned down and whispered something in Hiei's ear. He blanched and Youko let out a yelp.

"Why do you offer that fun stuff to him but you flip when I LOOK at you wrong? Whatever happened to your virgin whatever-the-hell and all that?"

"My virgin mouth would be in danger, Youko. My mouth isn't as much of a virgin as the rest of me, though." Her tone changed to a more airy, higher pitch. "I still have my quickening! I am immortal."

Youko snorted. "Whatever."

Shadow looked back at Hiei and, in her normal voice again, asked, "So do you want me to?"

"NO! AND I CANNOT EMPHASIZE IT ENOUGH! NO, NO, NO!"

Shadow sighed. "Your loss."

"I'll take it," Youko said hopefully.

"Offer is non-transferrable, fox. Sorry. Consult Eclipse. Maybe she can help you with that."

"HELL NO!!!" Eclipse screamed.

"Shut up, stupid. You don't even know what we're talking about," Shadow snapped. "We could be talking about kissing for all you know."

"...You mean you aren't?"

"Erm... No... We're talking about something a little more R-rated than kisses, Eclipse."

The girl with the camera blinked, confused. Then a look appeared on her face and she let out a scream.

"YOU OFFERED TO DO THAT TO HIEI? ARE YOU MENTAL?!"

"It's really a more appealing thought to me than with Youko."

The fox sighed. "I'm being rejected. I'm not used to that. I have to go sulk. You're supposed to be interviewing Hiei, anyway, right?"

"Yes. One more question, first, though. For you, fox."

"What?"

"Do you know whether Hiei is bisexual or not?"

"SHADOW, DROP IT ALREADY!" Hiei shouted.

"Well, most demons are... Sex is really only used for pleasure and power in Makai, and if anal sex is your fancy, by all means you can indulge yourself and nobody will think anything foul of it. That's the beauty of Makai. You ningens are so fucking narrow-minded... Well, I'm off to sulk and look all pathetic-like. Maybe somebody will feel bad for me. See you later, Shadow."

"Bye, fox."

The door shut behind Youko and Shadow leapt off Hiei's lap and onto the table in front of him.

"So was that not one of the most traumatizing experiences of your life?"

"I need something alcoholic," Hiei muttered.

"Nope. You gotta stay sober for the rest of the interview so if I ask you more questions like the ones I've been asking then you won't slip up and tell me Mukuro dominated you in sex or something."

"TIME FOR A SUBJECT CHANGE, SHADOW! There are virgin ears here!" Eclipse snapped.

The fire demon girl looked around. "I don't see any." Eclipse sighed.

"Just interview him. My arm is getting tired from holding this damned camera all frikkin' day."

Shadow did a flip into her chair. "So, Mr. Jaganshi, what is your favorite movie?"

"What? You go from asking me about my sex life to asking me what my favorite movie is?!"

"Yes. What is it?"

"What's that got to do with anything?!"

"What about your favorite band?"

"I don't listen to your stupid ningen music!"

"Do they have music in Makai?"

"Yes."

"So what's your favorite color?"

"I don't know! I never thought of it!"

"It's black. Can you sing the alphabet backwards?"

"I don't know! I don't sing and I don't think I could even recite the stupid alphabet forwards!"

"Okay... Can you speak any other languages?"

"Some Makai dialects and bits of some of your Ningenkai languages, thought I don't really know which ones they are."

"Probably English, Chinese, and German."

"Why?"

"Cuz I said so. Now then, tell me, what's the longest you've ever gone without sleep?"

"A week, give or take a few days."

"Why did you stay awake for a week?"

"I had my reasons, which are none of your business."

"Were you ever kidnapped and held prisoner and beaten and tortured and raped?"

"I told you, I've never been raped!"

"Ah, that you did indeed. Have you ever kidnapped, held prisoner, beaten, tortured, and or raped somebody else?"

"Tortured, yes."

"Was it fun?"

"For my sadistic streak, yes."

"Do you think you have anything in common with Hitler?"

"Who the fuck is Hitler?"

"Just the first person that popped into my mind when I started that question. What's your favorite food?"

"Meat. Anything as long as it isn't rancid and disgusting."

"If you were abandoned in the middle of no where with me and we had no way of getting home, would you kill me and eat my flesh to survive?"

"How is this getting any insight into the deep dark secrets of my mind?"

"I'm trying to find out if you would resort to cannibalism of the most important female being in your life to survive."

"I doubt I would. You'd probably kill me and eat my flesh first."

Shadow blinked. "Maybe. Do you think love is a load of shit?"

"Yes."

"Do you believe there is somebody in the world for everybody? Like, a soul mate?"

"Nope."

"You're a pessimist, now, aren't you!"

"Yes."

"Well, that's not bad, I guess. Pessimists are the happy people: 90 of the time, they're right. The other 10 they're only pleasantly surprised."

"True enough."

"Do you like talking on the phone?"

"I strongly dislike talking on the phone."

"Do you like the moon?"

"Um... It's a rock..."

"True enough. Do you like long walks on the beach?"

"Alone."

"Alone with somebody, or alone in the literal sense of the dictionary definition of the word."

"Alone as in 'with nobody else there.' No you, bombarding me with questions and being lewd. No Kurama, being nice and annoying like he's good at. No anyone else, pestering me, distracting my thoughts, and invading my privacy. Alone."

"Well aren't we in a bad mood today."

"I'm in a bad mood every day."

"Okay. Do you think you're a happy person, Hiei?"

"DIDN'T I JUST SAY I'M IN A BAD MOOD? DO I LOOK HAPPY?"

"Oookay... Would you ever play strip poker?"

"What kind of question is that?"

"Have you ever played strip poker?"

"If I did, I was drunk."

"Really?! Who with? Mukuro?"

"WE'RE NOT getting back on that subject. Mukuro doesn't play cards anyway."

"Okay, so you just play other little games with her. Did she handcuff you?"

"I'm going to kill you," Hiei said through clenched teeth.

"Why do you wear two belts?"

Hiei blinked, startled by the change of subject. "I... er..."

"Did people constantly try to drop your pants?"

"No! Well, yes, but that's not why I wear two belts."

"PEOPLE TRIED TO TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS? Who?! Why?! You said you were never raped!"

"I told you, they tried. Never succeeded. I killed them. Now forget I said it."

"It's on tape, though."

"Shut the fuck up."

"So if I tackled you right now and tried to tear off your clothes, would you kill me?"

"You wouldn't do that..." But his tone of voice said he wasn't entirely sure about that.

"I guess I wouldn't... Not without your permission." Shadow thought for a second. "Any other questions...? Ah yes. Do you fear death, Hiei?"

"No," he answered without hesitation.

"THEN IT WOULDN'T MATTER IF WE WERE STRANDED ON AN ISLAND AND I CANNIBALIZED YOU!"

"Erm... Yes? If I met my death at the hands of a teenage female halfbreed cannibal, then yes, I fear death."

"What about if you were facing death to save your sister?"

"I would die for Yukina," he replied seriously. Shadow blinked.

"Jeesh. Glad I don't have anybody around to care that much about. I wouldn't wanna have to feel that way..."

Hiei raised an eyebrow.

"Seriously! I'm young and carefree, I don't want to have to feel obligated to risk my life to save somebody's ass."

"That's okay, though. You wouldn't risk yourself because you're weaker than whoever you'd be protecting, unless it was some ningen, and THEY would risk themselves for YOU."

"Shut the fuck up Hiei! I'll decapitate you!" She pulled out her knife again. "Stop calling me weak!"

"I'll call you weak if I damn well feel like it! Because you are, and I'm sick of being tied to this chair!" The ropes burst into flames.

"AND WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU DO THAT TO START WITH?!"

Hiei blinked. "I dunno."

"WELL NOW YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE WHEN I MURDER YOU! YOU CAN'T SAY, 'But Koenma, she had me tied to a chair and I was unable to defend myself!' AND HE CAN'T REPLY, 'WELL YOU'RE STUPID, YOU'RE A FIRE DEMON WHY DIDN'T YOU BURN OFF THE ROPES?!' AND YOU CAN'T BE LIKE, 'Aw, fuck.'"

"Um..."

"Know what? Youko could be my child!"

"WHAT?"

"Sure! If he does the--" She made hand motions and squishy noises. "--he'd be our son!"

"Our son? You say that like you know I'd be the father!"

"Well he wouldn't be, and Yusuke's with Keiko and Kuwabara's with your sister, and I wouldn't wanna carry an ugly ningen child anyway, so--"

"That baka is NOT with my sister."

"Sure he is. What makes you say that?"

"Because if he lays a hand on her, I'll kill him."

"Ah."

There was a short pause. Hiei edged towards the door. Shadow didn't seem to notice. He edged closer. She looked at him. He bolted, she went after him and tackled him just as he got the door open, and he hit the floor in the hallway with her on his back. She put her giant knife a millimeter from his eye and the said eye widened to several times its normal size.

"Are you going to try that again, Hiei? I'm not through with you!"

"RAPE! RAPE, HELP ME, IT'S RAPE!" Hiei screamed. Youko exploded out of a door down the hall, eyes wide, and relaxed when he saw Hiei was not being raped.

"Most people don't bother when you scream rape," he said, walking towards them. "It repels most people. Scream fire."

"IF IT WAS A FIRE I COULD CONTROL IT, BAKA FOX!"

"But it wouldn't be fire."

"But... Aw, fuck."

"Anyway Shadow, get off of him," he said, walking straight past and snagging her arm to drag her away. She wrapped her legs around Hiei and refused to let go. The fox sighed. "Shadow will be most displeased..."

"Huh?" the fire demons said. Youko let go of Shadow and she fell over and Hiei ended up on top of her.

"Whaddaya mean?" Shadow asked, letting go of him and pushing him away. He landed with a thud on the floor, then rolled over and pushed himself to his feet, the same as Shadow was doing. "I'm not displeased at all. You've lost it, Youko."

"Not you, Shadow--"

Just then, the wall got a green outline in the shape of a girl, and an ominous voice echoed, "WILL YOURSELF THROUGH THE WALL, RAZIEL, AND IT SHALL PART FOR YOU, LIKE THE GREAT SEA FOR MOSES."

A brown-haired girl came through the wall, in the exact shape of the outline. Several inches taller than Shadow, average build, wearing boots, jeans, and a leather coat over a black t-shirt... Not to mention the jewelry. She opened her green eyes and looked at Shadow.

"Oh! That Shadow!" the fire demon girl said triumphantly. "I thought you were off your cake, fox!"

"I'm most displeased with you, Shadow," the brown-haired girl said.

"Really? Well I'm most displeased with you, too. HOW DARE YOU PHASE THROUGH MY WALLS LIKE THAT? ONLY I'M ALLOWED TO DO THAT!"

"SHUT UP, GIRL! I RENTED YOU MY POWERS FOR THESE INTERVIEWS AND GAVE YOU FREE REIGN WHILE I WORKED ON MY MYSTERY FIC, BUT NOW YOU'RE OUT OF HAND! WHAT ABOUT THE RIGHTS I GAVE YOU TO READ TO THEM? AND I WANTED SOMEBODY TO PROOF MY FIC SO FAR AND I HAD TO GO TO YUSUKE SINCE KARASU WAS LOCKED UP IN HIS ROOM CRYING! Something about Hiei breaking his ribs--" She spared Hiei a glare. "--and Kurama rejecting him?"

"Karasu proof-reads your stories?! No fuckin' WONDER they're so sick!" Youko said, horrified.

"Shut up, fox." The green-eyed girl blinked. "Anyway, so Yusuke was no help. He thinks I should put lemon in it."

"So how is your mystery fic coming along, Shadow?" Shadow asked.

"I keep getting distracted... I just got through with a romance scene-- HEY! Don't change the subject!"

"I bet they'd pay me if I sold you on the fanfiction Black Market, Shadow. They'd pay well for the famed Great Authoress Shadow Jaganshi."

The authoress raised her eyebrow. "What are you getting at?"

Shadow lunged at... er... Shadow... and a Dragonball Z style battle commenced. Punches flew so fast nobody could see them, and the brown-haired girl barely moved to dodge the poorly-aimed hits. Finally, Shadow landed one. Authoress Shadow flew into the air and caught herself and levitated there with her arms out to her sides, staring down at her opponent.

Insert startled close-ups of Youko and Hiei, and for good measure, every being with eyes in a two-mile radius. Even the ladybugs.

Then, Authoress Shadow flew towards Shadow and the black-haired girl snapped her fingers. Ropes appeared out of nowhere, binding Authoress Shadow into a cocoon.

Startled close-ups of every living creature again, lightning flash closeups of Hiei and Youko, thunder, dramaticness. Forty different camera angles panning across the scene of Authoress Shadow lying in a cocoon of ropes at her psychotic creation's feet. There were more lightning flashes. Authoress Shadow had the insane urge to scream, "IT LIVES! IT LIIIIIIIIVES!!" and do the whole Frankenstein bit, but the ropes kind of prohibited that. She started doing the worm towards the stairs. Shadow stepped on her.

Four thousand close-ups again.

"All this is lacking is people shouting useless dialogue at random intervals," Shadow said randomly. "And unecessary comments like, 'We're doomed!' and 'She's helpless!' and 'Shadow is going to take control of the fanfictions from this point on! She will sell the true authoress on the Black Market and God knows what they'll do with her after that, and then Shadow will write the fanfictions! Poor Hiei!'"

Shadow did this all with melodramatic hand actions and everything too. The authoress sighed and snapped her jaws together, making a loud click, and the ropes were gone. She stood up while Shadow was going on and on.

"SHADOW!"

"Yes Oh Great Authoress?"

"No more interviews. Poor Hiei's never gonna get over what you said to him."

"How do you know what I said? You weren't there!"

"I'M THE ALL-KNOWING AUTHORESS! I KNOW ALL!"

"But this isn't a story."

"What?"

"This is really happening, my dear Authoress. Yes... You are in our world now... Muwahahahaha. HA, HAHAHAHAHA... BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Authoress Shadow blinked. "I know I'm here. You have no idea how much trouble I went through to GET here. I came on purpose."

Shadow paused her laughing long enough to say, "Yes, but you're never LEAVING. That's what's so sinister." Then she commenced her laughing. "AHAHAHA!"

Not knowing what else to do, and trying to play their parts, Youko and Hiei joined in the ridiculous laughter. It echoed all around and Authoress Shadow looked uneccessarily terrified of the laughter. She frantically ran at the nearest wall.

"WILL YOURSELF THROUGH! WILL YOURSELF THROUGH!" She slammed into the wall with her arms straight out at her sides. She bounced back and countinued slamming herself into the wall. "WILL YOURSELF THROUGH! IT SHALL PART! WILL YOURSELF THROUGH!"

Shadow stopped laughing abruptly. "Okay, that's quite enough of that."

Hiei and Youko stopped instantly as well, looking not in the least humiliated that they'd just stood there laughing like lunatics. Shadow sighed as the authoress continued throwing herself at the wall.

"WHY WON'T IT WORK ANYMORE?!"

"You phazed yourself into this world, and you aren't getting out. While you're here, you can enjoy my hospitality. Hiei, I think an interview is in order, don't you?"

Hiei's eyes widened. Shadow grinned and tackled the authoress, who started screaming and thrashing instantly.

"PUT ME DOWN! PUT ME DOWN! I CANNOT MOVE! I CANNOT MOVE!"

It eventually took Youko and Hiei both to drag the hysterical girl into the Room of Interviewing. Once inside, all fight vanished from her and she walked to her chair with great dignity.

"Oh yeah, Hiei. Proof this for me, will you please?" she said, pulling a floppy disc out of her coat pocket and handing it to Hiei.

"Um... Computer?"

"I'm on it," Shadow said, snapping her fingers. A laptop appeared. "You can proof her story while I interview her."

"Interview?! I thought you were gonna kill me! YOU AREN'T INTERVIEWING ME!" the authoress shouted in horror. A solid bop on the head with a pole that appeared out of nowhere, and Shadow had no more problems from the authoress.

"And so, Hiei, you are rescued, and the dear authoress, my friends, is about to be put into a world of NIGHTMARES and FEAR and--"

The authoress, quite unconscious, let out a shriek. "AHHHH! WHERE IS IT? IS IT BEHIND ME? I CAN'T SEE! WHERE IS IT? AHHHHHH! OH MY GOD IT'S BEHIND ME IT WANTS TO KILL ME WHERE AM I GOING OH MY GOD! OH! A HOLE! WHERE IS IT NOW, WHERE IS IT NOW, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD! AHHHH, IT'S COMING, IT'S COMING! EEEEEK! BLOOD! RUN! YOU CANNOT HAVE MY SOUL!!!"

"That girl plays way too many video games," Shadow sighed. "She needs to get her ass away from Soul Reaver and work on her stories. But not today! Today she shalt be interviewed! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

"If she ever wakes up and stops screaming," Youko muttered, his hands over his ears. The authoress was now screaming about creepy things dropping from the ceiling. Shadow sighed.

"I can't believe such a strange person created something as wonderful as me..."

DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU. Wasn't that awful?
Shadow Jaganshi, 1-7-05