(1-13-05) This is the last chapter, ladies and gentlemen! It's shorter than I'd thought it would be... But I had things to do and people to see, y'know? And a bed to sleep in.
Thanks to everyone who reviewed. I'm really tired or I'd single people out and talk to them, but I just wanna put my new music on my mini disc, take a shower, and go to bed.
THE CHAPTER AFTER THAT
G.A.S.
Authoress Shadow, pansy ningen that she is, did not wake up for several hours after being hit with a metal pole. Having gotten bored, Hiei had gone off to take a shower, telling them all he was going to wash off the impurities Shadow inflicted on him. Youko had taken to redecorating the room, and after only half an hour, there were vines draped all around from the ceiling, flowers growing around the room's borders, and a large, unfriendly looking tree in one corner of the room. On a wide branch of this tree the fox now lay on his stomach, manipulating his vines to occasionally slither down and wrap around Shadow's arm, or perhaps tap Hiei--who'd come back from his shower shortly after leaving, only to find the authoress still out cold, and so he'd sat down and started proofreading her fic--on the shoulder and dart away. When the fire demon put up an energy shield to block such annoying intrusions, the thief, easily bored as he is, tossed handfulls of grass seed around the room and sprouted it, so soon, the famed and feared Room of Interviewing had been transformed into a jungle. When Shadow got up, there was a visible spot of floor in the shape of her body. Youko quickly fixed that.
Yusuke and Kuwabara chose this precise moment to enter the Famed and Feared Room of Interviewing. They stood in the doorway looking puzzled and amused, taking in the jungle, the pissed little fire demon, the tree with the fox in it, Shadow having a staring contest with a butterfly, and lastly, the chairs and table.
"What's going on here?" Yusuke finally asked.
"We're waiting," Youko said.
"What for?"
"For the Great Pumpkin there to wake up," Shadow said, gesturing towards the chairs and table.
"There's nobody there."
Shadow blinked, losing her staring contest with the insect, but she didn't care anymore. The Great Authoress was gone.
"WHERE'D SHE GO?"
"Stupid ningen," Hiei muttered, getting up. The brown-haired girl suddenly appeared and flung Yusuke and Kuwabara out of her way. She was barely out in the hall when she once again had two demons restraining her.
"YOU CAN'T HAVE MY SOUL!"
"YOU DON'T HAVE A SOUL!" Hiei shouted.
"And if you did, we wouldn't want it," Youko added matter-of-factly.
"Really?" the girl said, relaxing.
"Yes, really."
She narrowed her eyes. "Why should I believe you?"
"Have I ever given you reason not to trust me?" Youko asked, sounding insulted. The girl looked at him skeptically, then turned to Hiei for an answer.
"Because," he told her. She blinked.
"Good enough, from you. Very well. I'll go through with this thing you call an interview. But make it snappy, I have things to do and people to see. Did you proof my story, by the way, Hiei?"
"Yes I did," he replied. "I don't approve."
"Didn't think you would. I don't either, really, but you can't deny it. It's gotta be in the story. I wouldn't have written it, had I had the option, but... you know. It's your own god damned fault, Hiei. Yours and that wretched girl created from the deepest darkest depths of my brain."
She sat down in the interviewee's chair, and Shadow sat across from her.
"Okay, Shadow," she said. Then she paused. "I can't do that. I can't call you by my name. It's my name, dammit! Now, you are the Great Authoress Shadow... We need..." She appeared thoughtful. "Can I call you Gas?"
"What the fuck! No!"
"But that's what your initials--"
"I don't give a shit about my initials, I'm not going to be addressed as GAS! Gas is what you put in a car! Or a side-effect from too many beans! Not ME! Call me Bob or something, but not Gas!"
"But Bob is a guy's name..." Shadow said.
"So?! It's better than Gas.. I have a multitude of nicknames! Call me Dial Tone!"
"What the fuck..." Youko muttered. "Dial Tone?"
"Long story, fox. Shut up."
"And stop being a bitch!" Shadow snapped. "You're being a bitch! I won't stand for anyone but me being bitchy in MY Famed and Feared Room of Interviewing!"
"More like jungle..." Yusuke muttered.
"Shut up!"
"Hey lady, did you write that sex scene like I said you should?"
The Authoress glared. "I do not write lemon, Yusuke. I'll write romance, reluctantly, but I will NOT write lemon just to sate your perverted mind!"
The boy sighed. "Pity."
"Speaking of romance, what exactly occurs in that story, Gas?"
"I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME GAS!"
"I don't care. I'm in charge of this circus! Now tell me what happens!"
"I don't wanna give away spoilers," the girl replied. "And you can't make me, no matter how many drugs you pump into my viens. I AM IMPERVIOUS!"
"I'm proud of you. So, on the subject of lemon, Gas, have you ever read any?"
The girl bit her lip. "NNnooooo..."
"You sure?"
"Yyyyeeeessss..."
"You lying?"
"Maayyyyybbbeeee..."
Shadow made a face. "What a sicko! You read lemon?"
"IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S A REGULAR HABIT, YOU DOLT! YOU ASKED IF I EVER DID AND I SAID YES AND THAT COULD MEAN I'VE READ ONE IN A TWO YEAR PERIOD, OR IT COULD MEAN THAT I MAKE A POINT OF SEEKING THEM OUT WHENEVER I GET THE CHANCE! WHICH IS NOT THE CASE!"
Shadow nodded. "Uh-huh."
"Like you have any room to talk anyways, Shadow," Hiei muttered. "You've read all kinds of bad shit about me when I'm in the room."
The authoress wrinkled her nose. "Ew, you have?"
"Hiei's merely confused," Shadow said. "Doesn't know what he's talking about." Then she hissed under her breath, "Whose side are you on, Hiei?!"
The fire demon snorted. "Mine."
"Shutup. So, Gas, being the Almighty Authoress and all, a lot of people have wondered exactly what the relationship between Hiei and me is. Could you tell us?"
"Your relationship is very intimate," she growled sarcastically, arms crossed.
"Really?"
"Yes. The two of you make mad passionate love almost every night, and you enjoy trying new things whenever possible. That's why you read those stories, Shadow. To get ideas."
Hiei gagged.
"And you like games. Bondage games. Handcuffs and all that. You like to take turns being dominant and--"
"SHUT UP!" Hiei screamed. "God, that's not true! I have no idea what you're talking about! I've never had sex with that girl in my life!"
"Good lord, Shadow, and you even DRUG HIM!" the girl cried, looking appalled.
"Why would I want to have sex with Hiei?" Shadow said, horrified. "He's a pansy! He let Mukuro--"
"WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT!" Hiei bellowed. The authoress stared.
"When did this happen, Shadow? Hiei doesn't seem to think his sex life is important enough for me to bring up in stories, so he's never told me about it."
"Well--"
Hiei slapped his hand over Shadow's mouth. "I've never had sex. I'm a virgin."
"Are you lying?"
"Yes, but the truth is none of anybody's business."
Shadow pulled away. "I think he had sex with Youko."
"Nasty! That'd be like..." The authoress spoke the language of hand motions and squishy noises. "And like... going..." She said something else in the language. Shadow let out a shriek.
"Ew! You mean like... all..." Shadow also said something in the language of hand motions and squishy noises. The authoress nodded and the other girl gagged. "Gross!"
"I know... Isn't it?" the green-eyed girl replied calmly, nodding.
"Did anybody understand that?" Yusuke asked. Eclipse, filming, obviously knew what had been said, because she was now gagging the corner.
"Hey! No puking on the tree!" Youko cried, dragging her away.
"So... Hiei and I do this--" Shadow clapped her hands together and made crude motions. "--and Youko and Hiei did... other stuff..." She refrained from hand motions. "And Hiei and Mukuro... Dear God, let's not even go there. Poor Hiei. And she's even half blind, isn't she?"
"Shut the fuck up!" Hiei snapped. "I didn't have sex with Mukuro or the damned fox, or you either for that matter. You know, the reviewers are gonna be pissed because you're being such a pervert! You had to go rate the fuckin' fic R because of your little discussion with me! Now you're just getting worse!"
"Such language, Hiei. You should be ashamed of yourself," the authoress said. Then she blinked. "Wait one cotton-pickin' minute! If I'm here... Who the hell is writing this?"
"Nobody," Shadow replied. "This is for real, dear girl."
"Shut the fuck up! You can't act on your own without somebody writing you!"
"So naive..."
"Don't call me that. I created you!"
"Well I'm older than you!"
"Only because I say you are! And how is this really happening? You're all fictitious!"
"So many people believe in us," Youko said in a mocking tone. "As long as they believe, we are real."
"Is that like the thing on that one movie? With the fairy? Where if you say you don't believe in fairies, they'll die? So if I say I don't believe in one of you guys, you'll die?"
"I hope not!" Kuwabara whimpered.
"Hm... I don't believe in Kuwabara."
Nothing happened.
"Gaddammit. I guess there's enough Kuwabara fans to keep him sustained through a simple ningen word-assault." The girl sighed. "I'm not even gonna try with Hiei or the fox. I'd be laughed at until I died."
"You already will be, you weird-lookin' weird-dressing weirdo person!" Shadow snapped.
"LIKE YOU HAVE ROOM TO TALK!"
"I'm not weird, I'm COMPLETELY OUT OF MY MIND!" She waved her arms around wildly with her tongue lolling out of her mouth and spit flying everywhere, wide-eyed and deranged-looking.
"I've created a monster," Gas muttered. She sighed. "I should have called her Frankenstein's Monster instead of Shadow... Maybe I should have put bolts in her head and shot her with lightning..."
"Except your name isn't Frankenstein," Yusuke said.
"Yeah, so it'd be more like Jaganshi-san's Monster," Kuwabara added.
"Whatever. Look, I said I wanted this interview to be short. I gotta get back to Soul Reaver. I haven't played a week! I forget EVERYTHING!"
"Loser," Shadow muttered. "So do any of you other people have questions for her?"
"I'm still curious about Hiei and Shadow," Youko said.
"Shut the fuck up, fox," Shadow snapped. "Does abybody have questions for Gas that do not involve anything lewd or have anything to do with my sex life."
"What are your plans for the torture you're gonna put us through in your next story? After the current 'mystery' fic," Hiei asked dryly.
"That one'll be a joy to write," the authoress said cheerfully, an evil glint in her eyes. "But like I said, I don't like giving out spoilers."
"What about after that?" Yusuke asked.
"That one will be a blast too."
"And after that?" Kuwabara said.
"That one will bite. Gaddamnit."
"Really?"
"Not literally, no. But it won't be as fun to write."
"Can we give the readers a preview of the mystery fic?" Shadow asked.
"I have a better idea: I'll post the first chapter once you pains in the ass let me go."
"Really? But that's not as fun. I like tormenting people. Just posting the first chapter... It lacks so much. It lacks finesse and creativity. Everybody posts the first chapter. Maybe you should post the eigth chapter first!"
"Why would I do that?! People would have no idea what was going on!"
"They'd be curious! Or maybe you could finish the story and post the last chapter first and go backwards!"
"Shadow, you're retarded." The authoress got up. "I'm taking back my powers. You are not going to torment any other civilians with them. Or... any other... whatever these people could be considered as. Reikai law enforcement. Whatever they are, I gave you all those papers you were supposed to get them to sign, and you burned them."
"We were supposed to sign papers?" Hiei said. "Shadow! What the hell! You're disobeying your creator's direct commands?"
"Yes I am. I have to have a mind of my own and individuality, you know."
"That's the same thing."
"Whatever. So I did it MY way."
"You abused my powers," Great Authoress Shadow snapped. "I will not stand for it." She grinned. "Your punishment will most definitely not be swift. You will most definitely not enjoy it. Unless you really like Karasu. But we won't go there. This is neither the time nor place to discuss it."
"You can't punish me with Karasu! You can only punish guys with Karasu!" Shadow snapped. "Get lost! Go back to your pathetic existence! AT LEAST MY LIFE HAS A PURPOSE!"
"Yeah. To amuse other people. You are my puppet, Shadow. YOU WILL NEVER ESCAPE ME!"
"Hiei, show her the door," Shadow said.
Hiei grabbed the authoress's chin, turned her head towards the door, and said, "That's the door. See it?" He moved her head to nod. "Good. You leave through the door and we will all go back to our regularly scheduled existences."
She batted his hand away. "You mean you'll go back to sitting in oblivion until I need you for my fics."
"There's a high demand on us, girl," Youko said. "You're lucky we've hung around this long after all you've put us through. The only reason I haven't left is because all the lemon fics people write with me usually end up with me in bed with Hiei or Yusuke, or some original character I've known for two days."
Yusuke was now staring at Youko with a look of disgust. "You?"
"Hm?"
"What the fuck! People write stories where I get fucked by that?!" He pointed at Youko. The authoress and Shadow both nodded.
"It's pretty nasty," Shadow said. "I saw one that paired Hiei with Kuwabara, so don't feel too bad."
Hiei shuddered. "Is that that one you were reading out loud from?"
"The one that almost landed me in Hell at your hands?" Shadow said. "Yep. Good thing you love me, though, right?"
"I don't love you."
The authoress grinned. "I'll be taking my leave, kids. Back to the world where I'M IN CONTROL!" Under her breath she added, "Friggin' lunatics." And then she walked straight at the door, throwing her arms out at the last second and shouting, "WILL YOURSELF THROUGH!" Then she was gone.
"What do you think of fics like that, anyways, Hiei?" Shadow asked after the second shout that signalled the authoress had gone through the wall outside.
"What? The ones thar pair me with the baka or have me being some virgin pansy who has lived in Makai for years upon years but is still unaware about what sex is? Those stories?"
"Yeah."
Hiei glared. "You know full well what I think of those stories, Shadow."
"Heh heh. Tell the fans."
"I WANT YOU ALL TO DIE!"
"And there you have it," Shadow said. She turned to Yusuke and Youko. "What about you guys?"
"Kuwabara passed out when you mentioned him having sex with Hiei," Youko stated, pointing at the boy.
"Wouldn't that be amusing to see a fic where Kuwabara was--"
The authoress popped through the door, threw a rope, and dragged Shadow to the door before she could finish her sentence.
"Shadow, we do not speak of such things. It's already rated R, people have said they had to skip parts because without my supervision you were being a pervert, and Kuwabara has blacked out. I actually still need you alive. Granted, I can ressurrect you, as you are my creation, but if you get killed by Hiei for a lewd remark, I swear I'll bring you back as a female Frankenstein monster; green skin, stitches, bolts, the whole shizam. Got it?"
Shadow smiled weakly. "Yes ma'am." She turned around. "I think I'll be hospitable to you guys for the rest of the day... The authoress has planted horrid images of my death and ressurrection into my head, and she will enact them with my body if I continue being so obscene, and I have none of her powers anymore, so I think I'm going to be hospitable. Who wants dinner?"
The authoress grinned and vanished back through the door, skipping down the hall singing.
The Great Authoress Shadow Jaganshi is the only human able to control Shadow.
She should get an award.
I am going to post the first chapter of the mystery fic before the end of the week (that gives me what, two days?). I just wanna proof it again (for the fourth time), then I'll post it. I need a title, too... ::sigh:: It'll probably be called "THIS STORY NEEDS A TITLE" for the first few chapters... Jeez.
Do any of you listen to Slipknot? If so, y'know their song Iowa on their CD called Iowa? It's the creepy last song. It reminds me of Karasu. Or, more precisely, things Karasu would say should he ever get ahold of Kurama... It gave me terrible images when I read the lyrics. I was just like... "Doopy doo... la dee da... OH MY GOD! KARASU! Ew, oh my God, it's Karasu!" Read them again, got horrible images. Listened to song, still had horrible images. Eeee... ::shudder::