A/N: Ok everyone...I'm SO sorry for my lack of updating! I just didn't think the end of the school year would be this hectic...what am I saying? I can't even use school as an excuse anymore, seeing as I got out on the 19th of May! sighs All I ask is that you forgive me, and just give me time to finish this fic so I can hurry and get back to Gallan Return.....
I've been so out of it lately that I don't even remember if there were any questions I needed to answer from the reviews, so if there are and they aren't answered with this chapter, just email me or leave another review......R/R everyone!
"I don't know if I can do this Alanna," Daine breathed, trying her best to put on a strong face. It had been exactly a week and three days since the death of her lover, Numair Salmalin. Daine shivered at the mere thought of such events. She had gone through so much these past ten days. There had been so much emptiness and with that came more suffering and pain than she ever thought she could hold. Now, as Daine looked back, it seemed as if it had been ten years rather than ten days. As far as that went, perhaps it had been ten centuries. To Daine, it was all the same now. She would be forever timeless now that her lover was not with her to make like worth living.
She had gone to his funeral. By the great gods it had been quite a procession. It was perhaps one of the grandest events she had ever witnessed. It was almost hard to believe that it was because of something so depressing as the death of someone dear to all of Tortall. There had been countless people there to pay their respects to the realm's most powerful mage. It made perfect sense that there had been so many people there that day. Daine would have felt that her lanky friend had been cheated if it had been any other way. In his life, Numair had touched so many people in his line of work. He had saved countless lives, hers included. And I repay him by taking his, a nasty little voice cackled in the back of her mind. She shivered at the prospect, knowing in her heart that even though she had been unable to control herself, she had still done the deed.
There had been flowers everywhere at the funeral. Daine could remember how the royal monarchs, who had been very close to Numair, had ordered them. To add to that, the guests who had chosen to come to the funeral also brought along wild flowers that they had picked near their home, or flowers they had grown themselves in their gardens. Remembering the scene in her mind, it was hard for Daine to connect it to being a day of recognizing a death. It had been so beautiful, the colors so bright and jubilant, that it was hard to believe that they had been brought in a melancholy nature.
People, both rich and poor, had come to watch Numair's coffin being lowered into the ground. With them, they had brought a wide assortment of flowers to decorate his headstone and the area around it. Because there had been such a multitude of people, many of the graves around Numair's were also decorated by the mass of flowers.
In the cemetery that lay behind the palace toward the back of the royal grounds, the people had all filed in to view the mage's now covered grave. Before hand, during the ceremony, his body had been lay out on a raised wooden stretcher. Daine had made certain that the priests who prepared his body dressed him in a pair of his nicer black breeches along with an elegant silk shirt. She asked also that they did not adorn him with his black robe that signified his mastery, for she knew how much he loathed having to wear it. She had arranged that things be how she imagined her lanky lover would have liked them.
The final preparation that was to take place before the burial was the burning of her lover's body. This had perhaps been the most difficult part of the whole thing for Daine. She could not tear her eyes away from the body of the man she loved as it was engulfed with the flames of the torches the priests had once held. Tears streamed unconsciously down her cheeks as she watched the flames dance across her lover's body. Everything had seemed so final as it all went on. It was almost as if Numair had not truly been dead until that very moment. So much weight rested on Daine heart and soul that day. Her body cried for release from the terrors of this world. She recalled clearly the desperate cry to the Black god to just take her now and spare her the life of misery she had before her. All she wanted was to end the pain. Still though, ten days later, no such relief had come. The pain had not even wavered or dimmed. The only resolution over it all she had managed to gain had been in the control she now held over herself. Only now could she honestly say she was putting on a brave face when on the inside she was in shambles.
Daine snapped back into reality when she felt a hand rest on her shoulder. She lifted her head suddenly, only to find a pair of understanding violet eyes staring back at her. It was then that her mission for the day came back to her in a horrible flood of memory. Today, she and Alanna had ridden from the Swoop to the tower she had shared with Numair. Not a soul had been here since the men had come to take Numair's body away and clean up the mess. The whole air about the place now gave her a chill. She had so many memories here, both good and bad. The best days of her life had been spent here, as had the very worst. She loved this place dearly, but a very large part of her wished to never lay eyes upon it again. Its mere existence and her one time life spent in it seemed to be little more than a pleasant dream to her now. Dreams were not real, and so the life she had loved so much that had been taken from her at her own hand seemed to be nothing more than a fantasy itself.
Feeling the need to answer Daine's previous statement and thus encourage her, Alanna said, "Daine, I know this must be terrible for you, but you've got to press on," Alanna said grimly, forcing a smile for Daine's sake. She looked over her shoulder now at the younger woman, wondering when it would be best to actually enter the tower. They stood now on the stone steps just before the oak wood doors that led to Daine's one time home. This whole experience had been a learning one for Alanna. She had no idea this entire time whether to take things fast or slow for Daine. The young woman showed little to no improvement either way, and that worried the lady knight greatly.
It was obvious why Daine was feeling such doubt just now. Everything she held dear and true, everything she knew was suddenly gone, and not for the first time. Today was bound to be a difficult day for Daine. She would have to confront in full everything that had happened. Yes, she had already attended the funeral, and the gods knew that was bad enough, but this would likely be worse. This time, she would be on her own grounds, in a place she and Numair had spent their personal time. The tower was their home together where they had no doubt created some unforgettable memories. But it was also the place of Numair's death, where Daine had killed him. Just the idea sent a chill down Alanna's spine. She still to this day could not properly grasp that it had been her young friend behind the killing. Alanna doubted if she ever would fully grasp it.
Looking over at Daine once more, Alanna let her eyes search the young woman for any indication of what to do. If Alanna was completely honest with herself, she would say that she did not know what to do today, or how soon to do it. She wanted to get the day's events out of the way, but she was not entirely certain Daine felt that way. "What are we doing just standing here?" Alanna prompted, taking a step forward towards the oak wood doors. She took a look back at Daine and saw a look of pure uncertainty in the woman's eyes, hiding in her depths. Deciding to finish what she had started, Alanna once again spoke in addition to her last statement, "We had best get inside and do what we came for."
Daine gazed in awe at the older woman, her friend. She knew that thus far Alanna had tried being patient with her, and she was thankful for it. It was no mystery to Daine what a rare event it was that the Lioness showed patience to anyone. That was after all one of the many things Alanna was known for, aside from her infamous temper. Daine was glad that she had such a friend as the lady knight, for she needed one now more than ever before. Not trusting herself to speak to Alanna, Daine merely nodded. She approved of the Lioness's idea of hurrying about this business, for it was a tricky one. Daine had no doubt in her mind that the task before her would be a difficult one, but she pressed on in any event. Alanna had been right when she said that Daine should never give up. Numair would never have wanted her to. He would have wanted her suffering to end and for her to simply move on. She would surely try, but Daine doubted that such a relief would ever befall her until the end of her days.
The two women wasted no time in making their way into the space of the tower. The light in the main room was dim, for no one had bothered to light any of the candles that usually burned daily nor did anyone open the lavish curtains that held the light from being revealed from the outside. Not only was there little light, but to Daine at least there seemed to be a chill about the air of the place. Though everything had been left just as it was, it just did not feel right. There was something very different about the tower this day, as if something important were missing. Daine did not have to wonder as to if this feeling in the air had anything to do with the grim scenes the walls of this structure had witnessed. The things all of these furnishings would have seen if they only had eyes to see them.
Daine's eyes traveled slowly around the room, as if she were in some sort of trance. From the corner of her vision, she could see that Alanna stood not far behind her and was currently watching her movements with interest. Daine did not know where to start. They had come here to help pack up Numair's personal things and make the place comfortable enough for Daine to live in again. She had already decided that she did not want to face each day with all of the painful reminders of Numair that lay in his possessions, which was why she planned to pack the lot of them up today. It would not be nearly so easy as it sounded, however. Just being in this room made Daine feel week in the knees. She wondered if she could ever live here again, especially alone.
Deciding that the lack of light in the room was just to gloomy for her liking, Daine made her way across the living room floor and up the step into the dinning room where the largest window on the first floor lay. The window took up a good amount of the wall and was covered by a long scarlet hanging. Daine reached into the fabric of the hanging and found a golden brown chord. She pulled it down as far as it would go, thus pulling back the curtains and allowing light to flood into the room. Immediately sunlight flowed into the room, leaving no space uncovered with its brilliance. This simple change made the tower feel much more like home to Daine.
"Where shall we start, Daine?" Alanna dared to ask, voice gentle. Daine turned around from where she stood by the window to look back at her friend.
"I suppose we should start down here and work our way up to the upper level," Daine suggested, though it was obvious her mind was elsewhere. In the late, she had found herself constantly lost in her own mind, sorting through various thoughts and memories. She felt that way now more than ever because of her return home. Home. Could she truly still call the tower that? She had lived with Numair here for the happiest few years of her life. Could she really stand living out the rest of her life here without him? She had killed him under this very roof, after all.
With that, the two women went on in silence. The lower level would be quick enough work taking into account that most of the mage's possessions lay in his study. Both Daine and Alanna had agreed on the ride over that Daine should clean out Numair's study on her own, or at least start out that way. It was a good idea, for Daine needed some time alone with all of the memories that would come with being home again.
As Alanna made her way through the lower level of the tower in all the various rooms, Daine went directly down the hall to the right to Numair's study. It was right across from the small library which Daine could remember spending many a night pouring over various books about animals to better help her with her work. Once Daine reached her destination, she eyes the oak wood door warily. In truth, she did not by any means want to go inside. But, there was a part of her heart that begged her to. It was the part that so desperately needed the memories in order to survive. That part of her wanted to fall into the past and pretend that it was the present. It would always be a painful awakening, coming back from such fantasies, but the thrill of being in them was so great that Daine knew she would go back to them every time.
Gaining up the tiniest bit of courage, Daine swallowed her fear of the pain and reached out, turning the brass handle on the door. Taking a small step forward, Daine passed through the door, entering the study. Darkness spared no corner of this room, for its walls bore no windows. If Daine remembered correctly, Numair had always lit the room with candles and light globes. Since she was giftless and could not light a light globe, Daine approached Numair's desk and threw open the top right drawer. She thrust her fingers inside, fumbling around quickly for a candlestick. Daine was certain she had once seen her lover pull one out of this drawer, but he was so unorganized and that had been long enough ago that the candles could be stored anywhere by now.
Finally, Daine's fingers fell upon their prize of a single wax candlestick. Daine quickly pulled it out and having already found Numair's store of matches struck one and lit it. Once the candle was lit, it was as if Daine was in a whole new place from that room of plain darkness. The room she now stood in was very familiar to her, for she had visited her lover here many times during their days spent together at the tower. She would often find him in here conducting some new experiment or catching up on his reading.
Like most of the other rooms of the tower, Numair's study was based with a hard wood floor and stone walls that had been brilliantly white washed. It was an extremely expensive process that only the rich could afford, so very few structures had such a delicacy as white walls. Daine had always thought it was all fair and nice, but she could have gone without them just as easily. In the center of the room was a woven rug of many jubilant colors and thread designs that had clearly been imported from the Copper Isles. It showed clearly Numair's taste for delicately detailed and colorful art. Resting atop the rug was Numair's cedar wood desk that Daine had previously been fumbling through for a candle. Countless papers were currently strewn across the desk, undoubtedly the various projects Numair had been working on directly before his passing.
Approaching the desk, Daine fingered it's surface fondly, eyes traveling over the various papers scattered across its top. She eyes each of them, recognizing the delicate curves of her lover's script. She could always remember how he would scold her whenever she left him a note, for her writing was not nearly so neat and precise as his own. He had constantly nagged at her, telling her that if she would just let him, he would teach her the proper way to write. She had never taken him up on this offer however, and had merely laughed at him and left his presence shaking her head. She almost wished now that she had let him show her, for then he would live on in her now all that much more. But as Daine found herself recognizing more and more lately that time could never be turned back and mortals such as herself would have to live with their regrets of things not done and chances not taken. Daine cursed the gods for this particular hindrance among others of the late.
Forcing herself back into reality, Daine knew that she was getting no where with her task. She decided that she had best start by packing away all of the various items and papers that were scattered about on the surface of Numair's desk. She began shuffling the various pieces of parchment together, pushing them into a somewhat neat pile. After having cleared away a good amount of the clutter caused by the paperwork, Daine found a particular piece of paper that aroused her interest. It was not just carelessly thrown into the mess as the other documents had been, but instead was pinned up against on of the desk draws that rested on the lower shelves that were part of the top piece of the desk. Removing the pin, Daine lifted it from its haven to examine it closer.
Immediately Daine recognized what it was she had in her hands. It was not the delicate and neat cursive script of her love, but the careless marks of her own hand. Her heart began to beat faster as she let her eyes scan it, recognizing that it was a letter she had written to her lover during the Scanran War. Judging from the date in the upright corner, Daine found that it she had written this letter to Numair during one of his spying missions when the two lovers were separated for large amounts of time. It read,
My Dearest Numair,
I hope you are fairing well on your mission for the crown. I miss you terribly here and anxiously await for what I hope to be you hasty return. I miss you all the time and I find it hard to keep thoughts of you out of my mind. I just wish that this gods-dratted war would come to an end! I hate all of this fighting and most of all never seeing you. I know that you're fair capable of taking care of yourself, but I still worry because I'm not there to make sure about you. All of this time I spend without you is making me wonder if I've been right in making us wait to wed. Mind you don't go getting ahead of yourself with that, because I'm still not sure. I just want you to know that I have been thinking a lot about it. Promise to come back to me in one piece and know that if you die, you'll find no forgiveness from me.
Love Always,
Daine
Daine felt a tear begin to well up in her eye as she read the letter she had written those few years ago. She could not believe that he had kept it. Looking closer at the old letter, she could see that he had added his own additions to it. She noticed that he had underlined the part where she questioned their waiting to marry with a piece of charcoal pencil. Her lips twisted into a crooked smile as she pictured her lanky lover doing that. It was just like him, to dwell only on that part of the letter. Still, Daine could not believe that he had kept the letter this long. She felt touched by this obvious show of affection for her.
Dabbing her eyes lightly with the hem of her sleeve, Daine wiped away any tears that threatened to fall from her eyes. She had to hold off her tears as long as she possibly could so as to make the events of the day all the more bearable. It was so hard just to sort through all of these random odds and ends on her lover's desk. She did not want to think of all of the other things that she would come across today and of the memories they would spur.
Before long, Daine's swift work had paid off. All of the clutter of the desk was settled into a few minor piles. As it turns out, there was not nearly as much stuff to gather up from the desk alone as Daine had first thought. It had just been so cluttered that it had appeared to be much more than it truly was. Daine was grateful for this minor blessing from the gods, for she had gotten few of the late.
Once she had finished sorting out the things on the desk's top, Daine moved on to sort out its large drawers near its base and up towards its upper piece. She started first with the lower ones, deciding to work her way up. In the first drawer she opened, Daine found all sorts of contraptions and magical odds and ends. There was a small tray that held various types of crystals that were in all sorts of colors and shapes. Daine wondered briefly what they might be for, but from experience with Numair knew not to tamper with them. She merely lifted the tray from its dwelling and set it out on the desk. When the candlelight caught in the prisms of the crystals, they each lit up, lighting up the room with little dancing designs of contorted light, large and small. Daine gasped at the brilliant display the crystals had created, wondering if this could possibly be what they were for. She quickly put that idea out, knowing that Numair was a war mage and would thus not dedicate his time to making pretty things that had no better use than entertaining the eye.
Moving on down into the drawer, Daine found more papers and pieces of rolled parchment. She did not spend too much time with each one, but from what she could see over all, they appeared to be spells of some sort. She assumed this for she could not read any of the script written on them, though she could tell it was obviously in her lover's hand. Daine knew from experience that Numair could fluently read and write in Old Thak, along with many foreign languages of two leggers, so she did not question the writings she saw upon the pages of work.
As Daine continued to sort through everything she felt herself grow gradually weaker. It was as if sorting through all of her late lover's things was hurting her bit by bit. She could see how this was possible, especially since she was fighting so hard with herself to keep her emotions in check today. "How am I going to get through the rest of my life without him?" Daine thought aloud, muttering her sorrowful thoughts of endless suffering to herself. It was a fate that she could not deny would become of her. How could her life be anything more than sorrowful if she was to live it without the man she had once woken up for everyday? Her reason for existence was dead at her own hand, so what else was there for her but grief?
Just as Daine was finding herself becoming more and more lost in her own thoughts, Daine heard a noise coming from the library just across the hall. It sounded to Daine like wheels rolling against the hard wood floor that had been covered by a large hand-stitched rug. I wonder what that could be, Daine thought to herself. She did not think it was Alanna, for they had agreed to take separate sides of the tower for the time being. Then, another thought struck Daine. Maybe she's looking for me. That was probably the case, Daine thought to herself. Abandoning her duties in this particular room for the time being, Daine exited through the door and crossed the hall swiftly. She found the library door was already open, letting her know that her suspicions had been correct as to where the sound had been coming from.
Daine stepped into the library, unconsciously closing the oak wood door behind her. There were many shelves in this room that were filled to the brim with every kind of book imaginable. This room above all other showed clearly the specific tastes and interests of the two lovers who had once shared this tower. It was the one room Daine had planned to leave exactly as it was.
Crash. There it went again, this time a new noise. Since Daine was in the same room this time though, she new immediately it was the sound of a book being dropped onto the floor from a high shelf. Soon after, Daine heard the shelf ladder rolling across the hard wood floor, thumping loudly as its tiny wheels pushed their way over the hem of the rug. Her mind full of curiosity to know what the Lioness was up to, Daine made her way around the side of the large book case, her eyes unconsciously fixed on the floor the entire time. When she reached her destination, Daine's eyes fell on the ladder and they trailed up it, but when they fell on the figure who stood upon the ladder, Daine squealed with sudden surprise. It was none other than her late lover, Numair Salmalin, standing at the top of the rolling ladder reaching for some book he sought, just as Daine always remembered him doing.
At hearing her squeal, her lover's head snapped in her direction. When his eyes fell upon her, his lips twisted into a boyish smile, white teeth showing clearly. "Magelet, I didn't hear you come in," he greeted her, voice as soft and charming as it always had been. Daine found herself suddenly weak in he knees as she looked up at her fantasy. It could not be real. This all had to be a cruel trick of her mind. Numair was dead, and the dead could never come back! "N-Numair?" Daine questioned him feebly, not daring to believe that it could truly be her lost lover standing atop that ladder, gazing down on her as he had done so many times before. He seemed so real. Everything about him was just as it had been before when he was alive, so how could he be anything but real?
"Hmm?" He voiced, his thick eyebrows furrowing together as he gazed at her with interest. Her heart fluttered as she watched him up there, seeing him in the flesh once again as she never thought she would until the day she passed on from the mortal realm. Just to be certain that her eyes were not failing her, that this was no trick, Daine reached up and rubbed her eyes roughly with balled fists. When she removed her hands, she blinked several times, and he was still there. She could not believe it. Was this some sort of cruel dream sent to her by Gainel?
"What are you doing?" Numair asked, his voice laced with what Daine knew to be amusement. She often detected such an emotion in his voice, but that had been when he was alive. But he's alive now, Daine told herself firmly, willing herself to believe it was so. But there was doubt. His being here defied everything Daine had ever known since the second she was born.
"Come down off that ladder....."Daine urged, trying to keep her voice from shaking. Just as she accomplished that though, her entire form began to tremble, but with what? Fright? What was there to be frightened of? This was the man she loved, so she had nothing to be afraid of. Still, she wanted to be close to him. She wanted him to come down, to hold her. She wanted to kiss him, feel him and make certain that he was really here and that she had imagined all that had happened before.
Daine watched in some unknown, foreign emotion as Numair nodded and started to make his way down the ladder to join her on the floor. Tearing her eyes away from him suddenly, afraid to look at him, she noticed that beside the ladder on the floor lay a pile of books. This must have been the cause of the noise she heard from the next room. Numair must have been dropping books from the top shelf as she had seen him do on countless occasions.
As soon as Numair's feet touched the floor, Daine was aware of it. She walked briskly over to him, feet moving with such urgency that she had never known before. She was at his side in what seemed to be the blink of an eye, but it was not fast enough even then for Daine's liking. Not caring what he thought of her odd behavior, Daine threw herself roughly and with no grace into his chest. She brought her arms up to constrict his neck, wrapping firmly around him and pulling herself as close to him as she could. He was real. Everything about him was real. He was solid, and felt to her just as he always had. Her heart beat wildly with such a joy that Daine could never remember feeling anything to match its strength before. She would have done anything for this man just now, she did not care what the price was.
Daine pulled back to look at him, to let her eyes bathe in the wondrous site of him, a site they had been robbed of for far too long. He opened his mouth to speak, his facial expression and tone revealing to Daine that he was indeed taken aback by her sudden actions. "Daine, I-"he started, but Daine immediately silenced him by putting her slender finger to rest against his lips, silencing that full mouth.
"Shhh..."She whispered to him, hiding the choked sound of her voice, "Don't say a word....please..." Daine breathed in deeply, trying to inhale the very scent of him. Always she could remember that he smelled of spices, soap and clean clothes. But try as she might, she could smell none of that now. He had no aroma, none at all. This puzzled Daine briefly, but she was too happy to let it bother her or for her to even question it.
"Kiss me," Daine whispered, breath coming in short spurts. As she leaned against his chest, she could feel him nod in response to her request. She felt as his hand shifted from their position on her lower back. One came up to rest behind her head, burying itself in her mass of smoky brown curls. The other was removed from her all together as he brought it to her face to cup her face in his dinner plate sized hand. With that hand, he tilted her chin up so that she now gazed up at him, staring into the depths of his dark brown eyes. As her eyes remained transfixed on his own, she watched as his face grew closer to her. He lowered his head slowly to meet hers. Soon, their noses were touching, but unlike his form which was exactly as she remembered, this was not. Always, Daine remembered being able to feel his warm breath against her pale skin. It always managed to take her breath away, but not this time. She could not feel his breath on her skin at all.
Wiping that thought away, Daine pulled him closer to her, urging him to grant her request. He closed the distance between them, but Daine never felt his lips meet hers. Just as their faces touched, he was gone. He had vanished, just as Daine had closed her eyes. The feel of his arms around her, her weight pressed firmly against his, it had gone in that very instant. Daine's mind began reeling as she suddenly panicked. "No...."she whispered hoarsely, not daring to believe that she had lost him again. He had been here, she was sure of it. He had held her in this very room, not weeks ago, but mere moments ago. He had been about to kiss her, to ease his lips gently over hers as he had done so many times before. Her life would be given back to her again, a generous gift from the gods. But he was gone again.
"Numair..."Daine spoke softly, her mind making excuses for his absence. He had merely walked away to retrieve a book or something. Perhaps he was off to do an experiment. Yes, he was not dead. He had not truly left her, for he would be back. He had to come back, because she needed him. He would come back, wouldn't he? He had to. Daine began approaching the rows of books searching the small library for her missing lover. "Numair..." She called out again, raising her voice slightly. With every call she made to him and with every row of books she passed with no sign of him, her heart rate grew immensely. "Numair!" she all but shouted, not understanding why he was not answering her, why he had not come walking briskly through the door from wherever he had strayed of to.
Daine was truly beginning to panic now. Flashes of that fateful night began running like a picture show through her mind. They were in the kitchen. Broken shards of glass littered the floor, cutting her bare feet with every disoriented step she took. She was stumbling, falling to the floor. He was calling out to her, saying that he would help her. Fear was coursing through her veins now. She was shouting back, yelling to him to keep away. He was not listening to her pleading. He continued to come. Soon, he came into the pictures flashing through her mind. He wore only a pair of breeches he had hastily thrown on. He came to her, took her in his arms. The pictures reeled forward, she was awake now and no longer in his arms. He was hunched against the wall. She was diving at him with a horrible gleam in her eyes. She was beginning to shift into wolf form, using her claws to attack her lover. He was screaming for her to stop, for her to come back to him. He was telling her that this was not the Daine he knew. She was not listening. She was continuing with her attack. He fell limply to the floor, and before Daine knew it, he was uttering his last words. He was dead.
"No....no not again!" Daine moaned, bringing a hand up to rest against her lips. Why did the gods have to be so cruel to her? What had she ever done to deserve any of what she had received these past ten days? He had been here. She had been so sure that he was real, that it was not her imagination playing wishful tricks on her. But she had been wrong. What she had seen, all of those things she had felt, they were all in her mind; a figment of her own imagination. She had lost him all over again, all because of a stray memory of being here in the library with him before his death, one that had been more vivid than most. It was times like these when all Daine wanted was to forget her lover. She had loved him, goddess, she still loved him now, but loving him was becoming such a burden. To be so deeply in love with someone, to need them so badly when it was impossible for them to be by your side was the most horrible thing imaginable, Daine was finding out. Yes, it would be much easier to go on living if she just forgot Numair Salmalin all together. She wished for that from the gods now, though she knew it was a wish they could never grant her. Nothing, not even the divine power of the great gods themselves could possibly make her forget the thunder in her heart and soul that she felt only when she was with Numair. She could never forget, not even if she wanted to with all of her heart and mind.
Despite Daine's foolish wishes, there was still a part of her, large part of her, that completely disagreed. That part of her would never in a million years wish to forget Numair. That would be an insult, a slap in the face to the man she had dedicated the past seven years of her life to. It would be perhaps the worst mistake of her life. What would it be like for her if that spot in her heart that in his life Numair had always filled, the spot that is no more than a void now, was gone? What if it could be made to be like that spot had never existed to begin with? Daine could not help but wonder, but she knew that though living life that way would be much easier than the path she now took, in the end it would be worse. When she died and could finally see Numair again, there would be no point in it, for she would have no memory of him. No matter what happened, no matter how much pain she would go through, she could never even think of wishing away his memory. Having this void in her heart filled once again depended on that.
Suddenly, Daine's head snapped up from its current position of facing the floor of the library as she heard the door behind her open. Craning her neck, Daine could see the figure of the Lioness step into the room. "Daine, I-" Alanna started, but then stopped suddenly when she saw the fresh tear tracks that were clearly visible on Daine's cheeks. She saw how Daine's face was now contorted with obvious sadness, her eyes shining with unshed tears. Immediately Alanna's expression softened, knowing that it was time for her to do what she came her to do: comfort her friend during hard times. "Daine, what's wrong?" Alanna knew it was a silly question. Perhaps it would have been more to the point if she had chosen instead to ask her friend what was not wrong or what was going right.
Tears formed once more in Daine's eyes as her mind drifted to what had just taken place in this room, or at least what she thought had. She had been so deep in her own imagination and thoughts, it was hard to say exactly what had taken place. Still, Daine tried to explain, "I saw him, Alanna," Daine voiced in a cracked whisper. She had meant to speak more clearly to the Lioness, but was finding that to be an incredibly hard task to complete. When Alanna's eyebrows furrowed together in confusion, Daine regrettably knew that she had to explain herself better than that. She took a deep breath, unconsciously sniffling shakily, "My mind...It was playing a cruel trick on me...I was-" Daine fought for the right words, "-remembering, and it all just seemed so real. It was just like he was standing right in this room. I felt him, Alanna. Gods, I just wanted to die when it ended...."
Alanna nodded understandingly to the younger woman. She had been hardly any older than Daine when she herself had faced a terrible loss, so Alanna understood Daine's situation immensely. Alanna knew she never fully could understand Daine's predicament though, for she would have to lose George for that understanding to come. Still, she knew partially what Daine was feeling. "Daine, I'll admit to you now that thought I try to understand how you've felt since that night, I know I can't fully grasp it, for I still have George here with me," Alanna began, hoping that talking to Daine like this would be of at least some help. She did wonder though if there was anything that could soothe the young woman now. Alanna did not blame her in the least. "When I about your age, I lost my twin brother, Thom. For a long while after that, I thought the world had come to an end. One of the few people who had always stood by me throughout my journey to become a knight was dead. But life goes on Daine. I realized that Thom would never have wanted me to grieve so much for him, and so I stopped. I still miss him, just as you'll always miss Numair, but you can't throw the rest of your life away mourning because that will never bring him back. Numair would want you to move on, Daine, I know it. It just takes time. If there is one thing I've learned in my life, its that time heals all wounds..." The lady knight finished her piece, looking across at Daine. She gazed intently at the young woman, wishing that she could pry into Daine's soul with her eyes. Alanna wanted to see if what she had said had affected her at all. She hoped it had.
"That was your brother...." Daine voiced almost bitterly. How could Alanna truly understand? Yes, she had lost someone she loved, but she had not lost her significant other. What's more, she had not been the cause of their death. She had not slowly murdered them, even as they screamed for them to stop, to have mercy. The fact that she was still living when Numair was dead at her own hand just did not seem just to Daine.
Alanna sighed, understanding Daine's point. Daine had faced a completely different kind of loss than what Alanna had. Yes, they both had hurt terribly, but it was still not the same. It could never be the same. In that moment, Alanna cursed the gods for the pain they were inflecting upon Daine. She just did not see how this could be part of anyone's plan.
Daine felt immediate guilt after she voiced her last statement to Alanna. What she had said about it not being the same, that was not right of her. She had no siblings, and could therefore never face losing one. She had no idea how that felt, so how could she say that her loss was greater and much worse? She was still certain it was, but her words had still been harsh and unjust. "I'm sorry, Alanna," Daine voiced quietly, her voice laced with tears.
"Its all right Daine...I know you didn't mean anything by it..."Alanna replied, meaning every word of it. There was an awkward silence to follow. Neither Lioness nor Wild Mage knew quite what to say. They sat that way for a long time, just needing that time to properly settle things in their minds, to calm themselves.
Finally, Daine broke the silence. "I'd best get to work on the bed chamber..." Daine said quietly, not realizing just how choked and raspy her voice sounded. She had not meant for it to tremble as she spoke, but it seemed lately that very few aspects of her emotions were under her control.
"I'll help you-" Alanna offered, but was immediately interrupted by Daine.
Daine held up a hand at the Lioness's offer. "No, Alanna...It'd be best if I did it on my own..." Daine replied, hoping she had not offended her friend in any way. Her decision had nothing to do with Alanna, really. It was just her personal feelings that it was easier for her to move past things if she spent time alone, just letting the memories come.
"Are you sure, Daine? I don't mind helping-" Alanna had to be certain that Daine would be all right. But again, Daine interrupted her.
"I'll be fine in due time Alanna. As you said before, time heals all wounds. I just need to do this alone, is all..."Daine assured her friend as she began making her way past Alanna and towards the library door.
"Just yell for me if you need anything," Alanna called after Daine as she watched the young woman bravely walk out of the library. Alanna was not so sure that she would be able to hold up such a calm face like Daine had been if she were in Daine's shoes.
A/N: Again, my deepest apologies for taking so long with this chapter...my computer deleted my progress twice...But thats ok, because I'm not sure I was entirely happy with it the first 2 times I wrote it...I had planned on adding more things than this, but it was getting long and I felt I needed to get something posted sooner rather than later. I had planned on more fluff, but I'll just stuff that into the next chapter, which is conveniently the same chapter in which I will throw in one of the 3 twists that are to come in these last few chapters of the fic...its time I started building that happy ending I've been promising! Just remember to review! (cuz if you forget, then its likely I'll forget to update...)
I've been so out of it lately that I don't even remember if there were any questions I needed to answer from the reviews, so if there are and they aren't answered with this chapter, just email me or leave another review......R/R everyone!
"I don't know if I can do this Alanna," Daine breathed, trying her best to put on a strong face. It had been exactly a week and three days since the death of her lover, Numair Salmalin. Daine shivered at the mere thought of such events. She had gone through so much these past ten days. There had been so much emptiness and with that came more suffering and pain than she ever thought she could hold. Now, as Daine looked back, it seemed as if it had been ten years rather than ten days. As far as that went, perhaps it had been ten centuries. To Daine, it was all the same now. She would be forever timeless now that her lover was not with her to make like worth living.
She had gone to his funeral. By the great gods it had been quite a procession. It was perhaps one of the grandest events she had ever witnessed. It was almost hard to believe that it was because of something so depressing as the death of someone dear to all of Tortall. There had been countless people there to pay their respects to the realm's most powerful mage. It made perfect sense that there had been so many people there that day. Daine would have felt that her lanky friend had been cheated if it had been any other way. In his life, Numair had touched so many people in his line of work. He had saved countless lives, hers included. And I repay him by taking his, a nasty little voice cackled in the back of her mind. She shivered at the prospect, knowing in her heart that even though she had been unable to control herself, she had still done the deed.
There had been flowers everywhere at the funeral. Daine could remember how the royal monarchs, who had been very close to Numair, had ordered them. To add to that, the guests who had chosen to come to the funeral also brought along wild flowers that they had picked near their home, or flowers they had grown themselves in their gardens. Remembering the scene in her mind, it was hard for Daine to connect it to being a day of recognizing a death. It had been so beautiful, the colors so bright and jubilant, that it was hard to believe that they had been brought in a melancholy nature.
People, both rich and poor, had come to watch Numair's coffin being lowered into the ground. With them, they had brought a wide assortment of flowers to decorate his headstone and the area around it. Because there had been such a multitude of people, many of the graves around Numair's were also decorated by the mass of flowers.
In the cemetery that lay behind the palace toward the back of the royal grounds, the people had all filed in to view the mage's now covered grave. Before hand, during the ceremony, his body had been lay out on a raised wooden stretcher. Daine had made certain that the priests who prepared his body dressed him in a pair of his nicer black breeches along with an elegant silk shirt. She asked also that they did not adorn him with his black robe that signified his mastery, for she knew how much he loathed having to wear it. She had arranged that things be how she imagined her lanky lover would have liked them.
The final preparation that was to take place before the burial was the burning of her lover's body. This had perhaps been the most difficult part of the whole thing for Daine. She could not tear her eyes away from the body of the man she loved as it was engulfed with the flames of the torches the priests had once held. Tears streamed unconsciously down her cheeks as she watched the flames dance across her lover's body. Everything had seemed so final as it all went on. It was almost as if Numair had not truly been dead until that very moment. So much weight rested on Daine heart and soul that day. Her body cried for release from the terrors of this world. She recalled clearly the desperate cry to the Black god to just take her now and spare her the life of misery she had before her. All she wanted was to end the pain. Still though, ten days later, no such relief had come. The pain had not even wavered or dimmed. The only resolution over it all she had managed to gain had been in the control she now held over herself. Only now could she honestly say she was putting on a brave face when on the inside she was in shambles.
Daine snapped back into reality when she felt a hand rest on her shoulder. She lifted her head suddenly, only to find a pair of understanding violet eyes staring back at her. It was then that her mission for the day came back to her in a horrible flood of memory. Today, she and Alanna had ridden from the Swoop to the tower she had shared with Numair. Not a soul had been here since the men had come to take Numair's body away and clean up the mess. The whole air about the place now gave her a chill. She had so many memories here, both good and bad. The best days of her life had been spent here, as had the very worst. She loved this place dearly, but a very large part of her wished to never lay eyes upon it again. Its mere existence and her one time life spent in it seemed to be little more than a pleasant dream to her now. Dreams were not real, and so the life she had loved so much that had been taken from her at her own hand seemed to be nothing more than a fantasy itself.
Feeling the need to answer Daine's previous statement and thus encourage her, Alanna said, "Daine, I know this must be terrible for you, but you've got to press on," Alanna said grimly, forcing a smile for Daine's sake. She looked over her shoulder now at the younger woman, wondering when it would be best to actually enter the tower. They stood now on the stone steps just before the oak wood doors that led to Daine's one time home. This whole experience had been a learning one for Alanna. She had no idea this entire time whether to take things fast or slow for Daine. The young woman showed little to no improvement either way, and that worried the lady knight greatly.
It was obvious why Daine was feeling such doubt just now. Everything she held dear and true, everything she knew was suddenly gone, and not for the first time. Today was bound to be a difficult day for Daine. She would have to confront in full everything that had happened. Yes, she had already attended the funeral, and the gods knew that was bad enough, but this would likely be worse. This time, she would be on her own grounds, in a place she and Numair had spent their personal time. The tower was their home together where they had no doubt created some unforgettable memories. But it was also the place of Numair's death, where Daine had killed him. Just the idea sent a chill down Alanna's spine. She still to this day could not properly grasp that it had been her young friend behind the killing. Alanna doubted if she ever would fully grasp it.
Looking over at Daine once more, Alanna let her eyes search the young woman for any indication of what to do. If Alanna was completely honest with herself, she would say that she did not know what to do today, or how soon to do it. She wanted to get the day's events out of the way, but she was not entirely certain Daine felt that way. "What are we doing just standing here?" Alanna prompted, taking a step forward towards the oak wood doors. She took a look back at Daine and saw a look of pure uncertainty in the woman's eyes, hiding in her depths. Deciding to finish what she had started, Alanna once again spoke in addition to her last statement, "We had best get inside and do what we came for."
Daine gazed in awe at the older woman, her friend. She knew that thus far Alanna had tried being patient with her, and she was thankful for it. It was no mystery to Daine what a rare event it was that the Lioness showed patience to anyone. That was after all one of the many things Alanna was known for, aside from her infamous temper. Daine was glad that she had such a friend as the lady knight, for she needed one now more than ever before. Not trusting herself to speak to Alanna, Daine merely nodded. She approved of the Lioness's idea of hurrying about this business, for it was a tricky one. Daine had no doubt in her mind that the task before her would be a difficult one, but she pressed on in any event. Alanna had been right when she said that Daine should never give up. Numair would never have wanted her to. He would have wanted her suffering to end and for her to simply move on. She would surely try, but Daine doubted that such a relief would ever befall her until the end of her days.
The two women wasted no time in making their way into the space of the tower. The light in the main room was dim, for no one had bothered to light any of the candles that usually burned daily nor did anyone open the lavish curtains that held the light from being revealed from the outside. Not only was there little light, but to Daine at least there seemed to be a chill about the air of the place. Though everything had been left just as it was, it just did not feel right. There was something very different about the tower this day, as if something important were missing. Daine did not have to wonder as to if this feeling in the air had anything to do with the grim scenes the walls of this structure had witnessed. The things all of these furnishings would have seen if they only had eyes to see them.
Daine's eyes traveled slowly around the room, as if she were in some sort of trance. From the corner of her vision, she could see that Alanna stood not far behind her and was currently watching her movements with interest. Daine did not know where to start. They had come here to help pack up Numair's personal things and make the place comfortable enough for Daine to live in again. She had already decided that she did not want to face each day with all of the painful reminders of Numair that lay in his possessions, which was why she planned to pack the lot of them up today. It would not be nearly so easy as it sounded, however. Just being in this room made Daine feel week in the knees. She wondered if she could ever live here again, especially alone.
Deciding that the lack of light in the room was just to gloomy for her liking, Daine made her way across the living room floor and up the step into the dinning room where the largest window on the first floor lay. The window took up a good amount of the wall and was covered by a long scarlet hanging. Daine reached into the fabric of the hanging and found a golden brown chord. She pulled it down as far as it would go, thus pulling back the curtains and allowing light to flood into the room. Immediately sunlight flowed into the room, leaving no space uncovered with its brilliance. This simple change made the tower feel much more like home to Daine.
"Where shall we start, Daine?" Alanna dared to ask, voice gentle. Daine turned around from where she stood by the window to look back at her friend.
"I suppose we should start down here and work our way up to the upper level," Daine suggested, though it was obvious her mind was elsewhere. In the late, she had found herself constantly lost in her own mind, sorting through various thoughts and memories. She felt that way now more than ever because of her return home. Home. Could she truly still call the tower that? She had lived with Numair here for the happiest few years of her life. Could she really stand living out the rest of her life here without him? She had killed him under this very roof, after all.
With that, the two women went on in silence. The lower level would be quick enough work taking into account that most of the mage's possessions lay in his study. Both Daine and Alanna had agreed on the ride over that Daine should clean out Numair's study on her own, or at least start out that way. It was a good idea, for Daine needed some time alone with all of the memories that would come with being home again.
As Alanna made her way through the lower level of the tower in all the various rooms, Daine went directly down the hall to the right to Numair's study. It was right across from the small library which Daine could remember spending many a night pouring over various books about animals to better help her with her work. Once Daine reached her destination, she eyes the oak wood door warily. In truth, she did not by any means want to go inside. But, there was a part of her heart that begged her to. It was the part that so desperately needed the memories in order to survive. That part of her wanted to fall into the past and pretend that it was the present. It would always be a painful awakening, coming back from such fantasies, but the thrill of being in them was so great that Daine knew she would go back to them every time.
Gaining up the tiniest bit of courage, Daine swallowed her fear of the pain and reached out, turning the brass handle on the door. Taking a small step forward, Daine passed through the door, entering the study. Darkness spared no corner of this room, for its walls bore no windows. If Daine remembered correctly, Numair had always lit the room with candles and light globes. Since she was giftless and could not light a light globe, Daine approached Numair's desk and threw open the top right drawer. She thrust her fingers inside, fumbling around quickly for a candlestick. Daine was certain she had once seen her lover pull one out of this drawer, but he was so unorganized and that had been long enough ago that the candles could be stored anywhere by now.
Finally, Daine's fingers fell upon their prize of a single wax candlestick. Daine quickly pulled it out and having already found Numair's store of matches struck one and lit it. Once the candle was lit, it was as if Daine was in a whole new place from that room of plain darkness. The room she now stood in was very familiar to her, for she had visited her lover here many times during their days spent together at the tower. She would often find him in here conducting some new experiment or catching up on his reading.
Like most of the other rooms of the tower, Numair's study was based with a hard wood floor and stone walls that had been brilliantly white washed. It was an extremely expensive process that only the rich could afford, so very few structures had such a delicacy as white walls. Daine had always thought it was all fair and nice, but she could have gone without them just as easily. In the center of the room was a woven rug of many jubilant colors and thread designs that had clearly been imported from the Copper Isles. It showed clearly Numair's taste for delicately detailed and colorful art. Resting atop the rug was Numair's cedar wood desk that Daine had previously been fumbling through for a candle. Countless papers were currently strewn across the desk, undoubtedly the various projects Numair had been working on directly before his passing.
Approaching the desk, Daine fingered it's surface fondly, eyes traveling over the various papers scattered across its top. She eyes each of them, recognizing the delicate curves of her lover's script. She could always remember how he would scold her whenever she left him a note, for her writing was not nearly so neat and precise as his own. He had constantly nagged at her, telling her that if she would just let him, he would teach her the proper way to write. She had never taken him up on this offer however, and had merely laughed at him and left his presence shaking her head. She almost wished now that she had let him show her, for then he would live on in her now all that much more. But as Daine found herself recognizing more and more lately that time could never be turned back and mortals such as herself would have to live with their regrets of things not done and chances not taken. Daine cursed the gods for this particular hindrance among others of the late.
Forcing herself back into reality, Daine knew that she was getting no where with her task. She decided that she had best start by packing away all of the various items and papers that were scattered about on the surface of Numair's desk. She began shuffling the various pieces of parchment together, pushing them into a somewhat neat pile. After having cleared away a good amount of the clutter caused by the paperwork, Daine found a particular piece of paper that aroused her interest. It was not just carelessly thrown into the mess as the other documents had been, but instead was pinned up against on of the desk draws that rested on the lower shelves that were part of the top piece of the desk. Removing the pin, Daine lifted it from its haven to examine it closer.
Immediately Daine recognized what it was she had in her hands. It was not the delicate and neat cursive script of her love, but the careless marks of her own hand. Her heart began to beat faster as she let her eyes scan it, recognizing that it was a letter she had written to her lover during the Scanran War. Judging from the date in the upright corner, Daine found that it she had written this letter to Numair during one of his spying missions when the two lovers were separated for large amounts of time. It read,
My Dearest Numair,
I hope you are fairing well on your mission for the crown. I miss you terribly here and anxiously await for what I hope to be you hasty return. I miss you all the time and I find it hard to keep thoughts of you out of my mind. I just wish that this gods-dratted war would come to an end! I hate all of this fighting and most of all never seeing you. I know that you're fair capable of taking care of yourself, but I still worry because I'm not there to make sure about you. All of this time I spend without you is making me wonder if I've been right in making us wait to wed. Mind you don't go getting ahead of yourself with that, because I'm still not sure. I just want you to know that I have been thinking a lot about it. Promise to come back to me in one piece and know that if you die, you'll find no forgiveness from me.
Love Always,
Daine
Daine felt a tear begin to well up in her eye as she read the letter she had written those few years ago. She could not believe that he had kept it. Looking closer at the old letter, she could see that he had added his own additions to it. She noticed that he had underlined the part where she questioned their waiting to marry with a piece of charcoal pencil. Her lips twisted into a crooked smile as she pictured her lanky lover doing that. It was just like him, to dwell only on that part of the letter. Still, Daine could not believe that he had kept the letter this long. She felt touched by this obvious show of affection for her.
Dabbing her eyes lightly with the hem of her sleeve, Daine wiped away any tears that threatened to fall from her eyes. She had to hold off her tears as long as she possibly could so as to make the events of the day all the more bearable. It was so hard just to sort through all of these random odds and ends on her lover's desk. She did not want to think of all of the other things that she would come across today and of the memories they would spur.
Before long, Daine's swift work had paid off. All of the clutter of the desk was settled into a few minor piles. As it turns out, there was not nearly as much stuff to gather up from the desk alone as Daine had first thought. It had just been so cluttered that it had appeared to be much more than it truly was. Daine was grateful for this minor blessing from the gods, for she had gotten few of the late.
Once she had finished sorting out the things on the desk's top, Daine moved on to sort out its large drawers near its base and up towards its upper piece. She started first with the lower ones, deciding to work her way up. In the first drawer she opened, Daine found all sorts of contraptions and magical odds and ends. There was a small tray that held various types of crystals that were in all sorts of colors and shapes. Daine wondered briefly what they might be for, but from experience with Numair knew not to tamper with them. She merely lifted the tray from its dwelling and set it out on the desk. When the candlelight caught in the prisms of the crystals, they each lit up, lighting up the room with little dancing designs of contorted light, large and small. Daine gasped at the brilliant display the crystals had created, wondering if this could possibly be what they were for. She quickly put that idea out, knowing that Numair was a war mage and would thus not dedicate his time to making pretty things that had no better use than entertaining the eye.
Moving on down into the drawer, Daine found more papers and pieces of rolled parchment. She did not spend too much time with each one, but from what she could see over all, they appeared to be spells of some sort. She assumed this for she could not read any of the script written on them, though she could tell it was obviously in her lover's hand. Daine knew from experience that Numair could fluently read and write in Old Thak, along with many foreign languages of two leggers, so she did not question the writings she saw upon the pages of work.
As Daine continued to sort through everything she felt herself grow gradually weaker. It was as if sorting through all of her late lover's things was hurting her bit by bit. She could see how this was possible, especially since she was fighting so hard with herself to keep her emotions in check today. "How am I going to get through the rest of my life without him?" Daine thought aloud, muttering her sorrowful thoughts of endless suffering to herself. It was a fate that she could not deny would become of her. How could her life be anything more than sorrowful if she was to live it without the man she had once woken up for everyday? Her reason for existence was dead at her own hand, so what else was there for her but grief?
Just as Daine was finding herself becoming more and more lost in her own thoughts, Daine heard a noise coming from the library just across the hall. It sounded to Daine like wheels rolling against the hard wood floor that had been covered by a large hand-stitched rug. I wonder what that could be, Daine thought to herself. She did not think it was Alanna, for they had agreed to take separate sides of the tower for the time being. Then, another thought struck Daine. Maybe she's looking for me. That was probably the case, Daine thought to herself. Abandoning her duties in this particular room for the time being, Daine exited through the door and crossed the hall swiftly. She found the library door was already open, letting her know that her suspicions had been correct as to where the sound had been coming from.
Daine stepped into the library, unconsciously closing the oak wood door behind her. There were many shelves in this room that were filled to the brim with every kind of book imaginable. This room above all other showed clearly the specific tastes and interests of the two lovers who had once shared this tower. It was the one room Daine had planned to leave exactly as it was.
Crash. There it went again, this time a new noise. Since Daine was in the same room this time though, she new immediately it was the sound of a book being dropped onto the floor from a high shelf. Soon after, Daine heard the shelf ladder rolling across the hard wood floor, thumping loudly as its tiny wheels pushed their way over the hem of the rug. Her mind full of curiosity to know what the Lioness was up to, Daine made her way around the side of the large book case, her eyes unconsciously fixed on the floor the entire time. When she reached her destination, Daine's eyes fell on the ladder and they trailed up it, but when they fell on the figure who stood upon the ladder, Daine squealed with sudden surprise. It was none other than her late lover, Numair Salmalin, standing at the top of the rolling ladder reaching for some book he sought, just as Daine always remembered him doing.
At hearing her squeal, her lover's head snapped in her direction. When his eyes fell upon her, his lips twisted into a boyish smile, white teeth showing clearly. "Magelet, I didn't hear you come in," he greeted her, voice as soft and charming as it always had been. Daine found herself suddenly weak in he knees as she looked up at her fantasy. It could not be real. This all had to be a cruel trick of her mind. Numair was dead, and the dead could never come back! "N-Numair?" Daine questioned him feebly, not daring to believe that it could truly be her lost lover standing atop that ladder, gazing down on her as he had done so many times before. He seemed so real. Everything about him was just as it had been before when he was alive, so how could he be anything but real?
"Hmm?" He voiced, his thick eyebrows furrowing together as he gazed at her with interest. Her heart fluttered as she watched him up there, seeing him in the flesh once again as she never thought she would until the day she passed on from the mortal realm. Just to be certain that her eyes were not failing her, that this was no trick, Daine reached up and rubbed her eyes roughly with balled fists. When she removed her hands, she blinked several times, and he was still there. She could not believe it. Was this some sort of cruel dream sent to her by Gainel?
"What are you doing?" Numair asked, his voice laced with what Daine knew to be amusement. She often detected such an emotion in his voice, but that had been when he was alive. But he's alive now, Daine told herself firmly, willing herself to believe it was so. But there was doubt. His being here defied everything Daine had ever known since the second she was born.
"Come down off that ladder....."Daine urged, trying to keep her voice from shaking. Just as she accomplished that though, her entire form began to tremble, but with what? Fright? What was there to be frightened of? This was the man she loved, so she had nothing to be afraid of. Still, she wanted to be close to him. She wanted him to come down, to hold her. She wanted to kiss him, feel him and make certain that he was really here and that she had imagined all that had happened before.
Daine watched in some unknown, foreign emotion as Numair nodded and started to make his way down the ladder to join her on the floor. Tearing her eyes away from him suddenly, afraid to look at him, she noticed that beside the ladder on the floor lay a pile of books. This must have been the cause of the noise she heard from the next room. Numair must have been dropping books from the top shelf as she had seen him do on countless occasions.
As soon as Numair's feet touched the floor, Daine was aware of it. She walked briskly over to him, feet moving with such urgency that she had never known before. She was at his side in what seemed to be the blink of an eye, but it was not fast enough even then for Daine's liking. Not caring what he thought of her odd behavior, Daine threw herself roughly and with no grace into his chest. She brought her arms up to constrict his neck, wrapping firmly around him and pulling herself as close to him as she could. He was real. Everything about him was real. He was solid, and felt to her just as he always had. Her heart beat wildly with such a joy that Daine could never remember feeling anything to match its strength before. She would have done anything for this man just now, she did not care what the price was.
Daine pulled back to look at him, to let her eyes bathe in the wondrous site of him, a site they had been robbed of for far too long. He opened his mouth to speak, his facial expression and tone revealing to Daine that he was indeed taken aback by her sudden actions. "Daine, I-"he started, but Daine immediately silenced him by putting her slender finger to rest against his lips, silencing that full mouth.
"Shhh..."She whispered to him, hiding the choked sound of her voice, "Don't say a word....please..." Daine breathed in deeply, trying to inhale the very scent of him. Always she could remember that he smelled of spices, soap and clean clothes. But try as she might, she could smell none of that now. He had no aroma, none at all. This puzzled Daine briefly, but she was too happy to let it bother her or for her to even question it.
"Kiss me," Daine whispered, breath coming in short spurts. As she leaned against his chest, she could feel him nod in response to her request. She felt as his hand shifted from their position on her lower back. One came up to rest behind her head, burying itself in her mass of smoky brown curls. The other was removed from her all together as he brought it to her face to cup her face in his dinner plate sized hand. With that hand, he tilted her chin up so that she now gazed up at him, staring into the depths of his dark brown eyes. As her eyes remained transfixed on his own, she watched as his face grew closer to her. He lowered his head slowly to meet hers. Soon, their noses were touching, but unlike his form which was exactly as she remembered, this was not. Always, Daine remembered being able to feel his warm breath against her pale skin. It always managed to take her breath away, but not this time. She could not feel his breath on her skin at all.
Wiping that thought away, Daine pulled him closer to her, urging him to grant her request. He closed the distance between them, but Daine never felt his lips meet hers. Just as their faces touched, he was gone. He had vanished, just as Daine had closed her eyes. The feel of his arms around her, her weight pressed firmly against his, it had gone in that very instant. Daine's mind began reeling as she suddenly panicked. "No...."she whispered hoarsely, not daring to believe that she had lost him again. He had been here, she was sure of it. He had held her in this very room, not weeks ago, but mere moments ago. He had been about to kiss her, to ease his lips gently over hers as he had done so many times before. Her life would be given back to her again, a generous gift from the gods. But he was gone again.
"Numair..."Daine spoke softly, her mind making excuses for his absence. He had merely walked away to retrieve a book or something. Perhaps he was off to do an experiment. Yes, he was not dead. He had not truly left her, for he would be back. He had to come back, because she needed him. He would come back, wouldn't he? He had to. Daine began approaching the rows of books searching the small library for her missing lover. "Numair..." She called out again, raising her voice slightly. With every call she made to him and with every row of books she passed with no sign of him, her heart rate grew immensely. "Numair!" she all but shouted, not understanding why he was not answering her, why he had not come walking briskly through the door from wherever he had strayed of to.
Daine was truly beginning to panic now. Flashes of that fateful night began running like a picture show through her mind. They were in the kitchen. Broken shards of glass littered the floor, cutting her bare feet with every disoriented step she took. She was stumbling, falling to the floor. He was calling out to her, saying that he would help her. Fear was coursing through her veins now. She was shouting back, yelling to him to keep away. He was not listening to her pleading. He continued to come. Soon, he came into the pictures flashing through her mind. He wore only a pair of breeches he had hastily thrown on. He came to her, took her in his arms. The pictures reeled forward, she was awake now and no longer in his arms. He was hunched against the wall. She was diving at him with a horrible gleam in her eyes. She was beginning to shift into wolf form, using her claws to attack her lover. He was screaming for her to stop, for her to come back to him. He was telling her that this was not the Daine he knew. She was not listening. She was continuing with her attack. He fell limply to the floor, and before Daine knew it, he was uttering his last words. He was dead.
"No....no not again!" Daine moaned, bringing a hand up to rest against her lips. Why did the gods have to be so cruel to her? What had she ever done to deserve any of what she had received these past ten days? He had been here. She had been so sure that he was real, that it was not her imagination playing wishful tricks on her. But she had been wrong. What she had seen, all of those things she had felt, they were all in her mind; a figment of her own imagination. She had lost him all over again, all because of a stray memory of being here in the library with him before his death, one that had been more vivid than most. It was times like these when all Daine wanted was to forget her lover. She had loved him, goddess, she still loved him now, but loving him was becoming such a burden. To be so deeply in love with someone, to need them so badly when it was impossible for them to be by your side was the most horrible thing imaginable, Daine was finding out. Yes, it would be much easier to go on living if she just forgot Numair Salmalin all together. She wished for that from the gods now, though she knew it was a wish they could never grant her. Nothing, not even the divine power of the great gods themselves could possibly make her forget the thunder in her heart and soul that she felt only when she was with Numair. She could never forget, not even if she wanted to with all of her heart and mind.
Despite Daine's foolish wishes, there was still a part of her, large part of her, that completely disagreed. That part of her would never in a million years wish to forget Numair. That would be an insult, a slap in the face to the man she had dedicated the past seven years of her life to. It would be perhaps the worst mistake of her life. What would it be like for her if that spot in her heart that in his life Numair had always filled, the spot that is no more than a void now, was gone? What if it could be made to be like that spot had never existed to begin with? Daine could not help but wonder, but she knew that though living life that way would be much easier than the path she now took, in the end it would be worse. When she died and could finally see Numair again, there would be no point in it, for she would have no memory of him. No matter what happened, no matter how much pain she would go through, she could never even think of wishing away his memory. Having this void in her heart filled once again depended on that.
Suddenly, Daine's head snapped up from its current position of facing the floor of the library as she heard the door behind her open. Craning her neck, Daine could see the figure of the Lioness step into the room. "Daine, I-" Alanna started, but then stopped suddenly when she saw the fresh tear tracks that were clearly visible on Daine's cheeks. She saw how Daine's face was now contorted with obvious sadness, her eyes shining with unshed tears. Immediately Alanna's expression softened, knowing that it was time for her to do what she came her to do: comfort her friend during hard times. "Daine, what's wrong?" Alanna knew it was a silly question. Perhaps it would have been more to the point if she had chosen instead to ask her friend what was not wrong or what was going right.
Tears formed once more in Daine's eyes as her mind drifted to what had just taken place in this room, or at least what she thought had. She had been so deep in her own imagination and thoughts, it was hard to say exactly what had taken place. Still, Daine tried to explain, "I saw him, Alanna," Daine voiced in a cracked whisper. She had meant to speak more clearly to the Lioness, but was finding that to be an incredibly hard task to complete. When Alanna's eyebrows furrowed together in confusion, Daine regrettably knew that she had to explain herself better than that. She took a deep breath, unconsciously sniffling shakily, "My mind...It was playing a cruel trick on me...I was-" Daine fought for the right words, "-remembering, and it all just seemed so real. It was just like he was standing right in this room. I felt him, Alanna. Gods, I just wanted to die when it ended...."
Alanna nodded understandingly to the younger woman. She had been hardly any older than Daine when she herself had faced a terrible loss, so Alanna understood Daine's situation immensely. Alanna knew she never fully could understand Daine's predicament though, for she would have to lose George for that understanding to come. Still, she knew partially what Daine was feeling. "Daine, I'll admit to you now that thought I try to understand how you've felt since that night, I know I can't fully grasp it, for I still have George here with me," Alanna began, hoping that talking to Daine like this would be of at least some help. She did wonder though if there was anything that could soothe the young woman now. Alanna did not blame her in the least. "When I about your age, I lost my twin brother, Thom. For a long while after that, I thought the world had come to an end. One of the few people who had always stood by me throughout my journey to become a knight was dead. But life goes on Daine. I realized that Thom would never have wanted me to grieve so much for him, and so I stopped. I still miss him, just as you'll always miss Numair, but you can't throw the rest of your life away mourning because that will never bring him back. Numair would want you to move on, Daine, I know it. It just takes time. If there is one thing I've learned in my life, its that time heals all wounds..." The lady knight finished her piece, looking across at Daine. She gazed intently at the young woman, wishing that she could pry into Daine's soul with her eyes. Alanna wanted to see if what she had said had affected her at all. She hoped it had.
"That was your brother...." Daine voiced almost bitterly. How could Alanna truly understand? Yes, she had lost someone she loved, but she had not lost her significant other. What's more, she had not been the cause of their death. She had not slowly murdered them, even as they screamed for them to stop, to have mercy. The fact that she was still living when Numair was dead at her own hand just did not seem just to Daine.
Alanna sighed, understanding Daine's point. Daine had faced a completely different kind of loss than what Alanna had. Yes, they both had hurt terribly, but it was still not the same. It could never be the same. In that moment, Alanna cursed the gods for the pain they were inflecting upon Daine. She just did not see how this could be part of anyone's plan.
Daine felt immediate guilt after she voiced her last statement to Alanna. What she had said about it not being the same, that was not right of her. She had no siblings, and could therefore never face losing one. She had no idea how that felt, so how could she say that her loss was greater and much worse? She was still certain it was, but her words had still been harsh and unjust. "I'm sorry, Alanna," Daine voiced quietly, her voice laced with tears.
"Its all right Daine...I know you didn't mean anything by it..."Alanna replied, meaning every word of it. There was an awkward silence to follow. Neither Lioness nor Wild Mage knew quite what to say. They sat that way for a long time, just needing that time to properly settle things in their minds, to calm themselves.
Finally, Daine broke the silence. "I'd best get to work on the bed chamber..." Daine said quietly, not realizing just how choked and raspy her voice sounded. She had not meant for it to tremble as she spoke, but it seemed lately that very few aspects of her emotions were under her control.
"I'll help you-" Alanna offered, but was immediately interrupted by Daine.
Daine held up a hand at the Lioness's offer. "No, Alanna...It'd be best if I did it on my own..." Daine replied, hoping she had not offended her friend in any way. Her decision had nothing to do with Alanna, really. It was just her personal feelings that it was easier for her to move past things if she spent time alone, just letting the memories come.
"Are you sure, Daine? I don't mind helping-" Alanna had to be certain that Daine would be all right. But again, Daine interrupted her.
"I'll be fine in due time Alanna. As you said before, time heals all wounds. I just need to do this alone, is all..."Daine assured her friend as she began making her way past Alanna and towards the library door.
"Just yell for me if you need anything," Alanna called after Daine as she watched the young woman bravely walk out of the library. Alanna was not so sure that she would be able to hold up such a calm face like Daine had been if she were in Daine's shoes.
A/N: Again, my deepest apologies for taking so long with this chapter...my computer deleted my progress twice...But thats ok, because I'm not sure I was entirely happy with it the first 2 times I wrote it...I had planned on adding more things than this, but it was getting long and I felt I needed to get something posted sooner rather than later. I had planned on more fluff, but I'll just stuff that into the next chapter, which is conveniently the same chapter in which I will throw in one of the 3 twists that are to come in these last few chapters of the fic...its time I started building that happy ending I've been promising! Just remember to review! (cuz if you forget, then its likely I'll forget to update...)