Chapter 1
It's now been exactly two weeks since we moved into the RangeMan building, and our entertainment system and TV have been working for one of them. Thankfully no stun guns were involved. I had gone on several jobs with the boys, mostly surveillance and one redecorating gig (Ranger had had to talk me into that one, but of course he managed it), as well as my usual skips from Vinnie. It was a pretty decent living with more regular paychecks and Haley paying half the rent and apartment bills, so I was in the clear for once even with my car payment. What better way to celebrate than a shopping spree?
Mary Lou was unavailable because the kids were sick with a nasty case of the flu, and Lula was making another attempt at night classes, so it left Haley, Sally, and me. Somehow he had become Haley's chosen shopping partner, tied with Lula of course. I was just thankful she hadn't actually dyed her hair blue yet.
Unfortunately we'd only made it out of Macy's and into the rest of the mall when I caught sight of Victor Reilly, disorderly drunken goat lover, sipping an Orange Julius in the food court. Shit.
"Um, guys, I see one of my skips," I said, staring hard to make sure it was him.
"Fuckin' A Steph, go get him!" Sally insisted.
"Will you guys be okay?"
"Sure, Steph," Haley said, her eyes all but shining with excitement. "Do you need, like, back up or anything?"
"No! No back up!" Christ, that would be the day. My mother would kill me! "Just stay here with Sally." I looked at him sharply. "Keep an eye on her."
Sally saluted. "No worries, I'll keep Mini-Me cool." Haley glared at him.
"I am not Mini-Me! Pixie, Hale, or even Short stuff, but not Mini-Me! I hate Austin Powers!"
Leaving Haley to repeat the almost weekly argument with Sally, I discreetly dug through my purse until I found my cuffs and stun gun, then approached the food court. "Mr. Reilly?" I called "Mr. Reilly?" he looked up from his Orange Julius to stare at me.
"Who wants to know?" he asked, slowly raking his eyes over me. Ew. I needed a shower now. I'd just been eyeballed by a scrawny oily fifty-something. Although looking at him up close, I realized why Vinnie bonded him out- this was Vinnie in twenty years. Same ferret-like body and twitchy eyes, same polyester suit. Hell, I bet this guy even had a duck pond... ew. Oh my god, I can't believe I just thought that...
"Mr. Reilly, My name is Stephanie Plum and I really need to talk to you in private," I said forcing a smile onto my face. "Maybe outside?"
Reilly wiggled his eyebrows. "Really, hotcakes? What about?"
I leaned closer, thankful I'd worn a V-neck and a wonderbra today. It was going to make this so much easier. "I have heard a lot about you Mr. Reilly," I whispered. "But any... details we should really keep private, don't you think?" He was too busy staring at my chest to hear a word I'd just said.
"Sure, hotcakes. Let's go outside, whatever you want..."
I blessed whatever wonderful person invented the Wonderbra about 5000 times as we walked toward Big Blue in the parking lot. I paused, as if searching my purse for my keys, letting Reilly get a step ahead of me. Pulling out my cuffs, I stepped up to him and slapped the first on his wrist.
"Aw, fuck!" He yelped. "You ain't one o' those kinky broads are ya? Shit, I don't do that bondage shit! Lemme go!" He started waving his other arm wildly.
"Mr. Reilly, I'm from you bail bonding company!" I yelled, and ducked. "I need to take you in to get your court date rescheduled."
"You'll never take me alive!" He yelled, waving his free arm just as wildly and trying to spin away from me. He lost his balance and fell back onto me, his elbow catching me on the cheek, barely missing my eye. I yelled in pain and shock as I toppled over, landing hard on the pavement. Shit. I always end up rolling around on the ground with ugly smelly men.
I caught another elbow to my face. "Get off me!" I yelled and did what any good Burg girl would do: I brough my knee up as hard as I could, straight into Reilly's goat loving groin. It was his turn to shriek and roll up into a fetal position. I stood up, feeling shaky, and grabbed my stun gun out of my purse.
Calmly as I could I knelt next to Reilly and gave him a solid jolt to the neck. He passed out with a final squeak. I rolled him onto his stomach and finished cuffing him. "There, was that really so hard?" I asked him, barely resisting the urge to kick him in the ribs.
Now I had a real problem: How to get him into my Escape? As I stood looking from my drunk, stunned FTA to my car, I was caught off guard by the arrival of my cousin and Sally.
"That was awesome, Steph!" Haley gushed. "You're really good!" I blushed. She thought I was good...
"I just got lucky," I protested. "And how can you say I am good? Didn't you see me get beaten up by a half drunk goat lover?"
"You are too fudging hard on yourself," Sally said severely. Haley nodded in agreement.
"Steph, you didn't get beat up," she said seriously, tugging me closer to examine the bruises. "You got a black eye and a couple scrapes from the pavement. Getting beaten up entails a lot more blood and serious damage. You've taken worse abuse trying to cook." I hung my head in shame. One lousy time getting my hair caught in the mixer and my entire extended family will never forget it. I cleared my throat and decided a change of subject was in order.
"Well, I have to take him in to the station. Are you done shopping?"
"Not really," Haley said, looking desolate.
"Yeah. We need to find some finishing touches for her new outfit. She's going to slay them," Sally told me.
"Hey! You go on and we'll get a cab to Aunt Ellen's house!" Haley suggested. "I've never taken a cab before. Maybe we could even use Uncle Frank's?" she sounded so happy that I really hated to disillusion her about the glamour of riding a cab, so I decided to let reality do the hard work. Apparently Sally agreed.
"Sounds like a plan to me," he said.
"All right," I said, looking nervously from Haley to Sally.
"Don't worry. I'll take care of her like she was one of the little dudes." Considering he carried an uzi to protect the little dudes, that was good enough for me.
"Help me get him into the car, please," I said and grabbed Reilly's shoulders to begin dragging him. It took a few minutes and a few banged elbows, but we finally managed to load Reilly into the car and I headed off to the police station.
The station was blissfully uneventful. No Morelli, no Carl or Big Dog, not even Eddie Gazarra. I took my check from the new desk sargeant and hurried out, unwilling to try my unexpected good fortune. I smiled to myself as I climbed back into Blue Jr, and turned toward my parents' house. My happy mood lasted right up until I saw who was parked at the curb outside mom and dad's.
The Kloughn car. Poor Haley, she'd managed to avoid any prolonged contact with Val and her brood since she'd gotten here, but it looked like her luck had finally run out.
I loved Val, since she was my sister and I had to. Haley was terrified of her, and combined with Albert aka Snuggyuggems, Lisa the unhappiest baby in history, Angie the 9-year-old school marm, and Mary Alice the horse, my cousin was probably having a break down. I almost had a breakdown when everyone was together, and I was used to it.
My system nearly went into shock when I stepped into the house to find relative silence. Relative to the normal chaos that is: Lisa was screaming her head off, Albert was chattering anxiously, Dad was blaring CNN. But there weren't any galloping noises, and I didn't hear mom breaking any dishes.
"Hi, everyone!" I called in cautiously.
Dad actually looked up from the weather channel. "Hi, pumpkin." Well, at least one of my parents hadn't been attacked by Pod People. I rushed over to Dad's chair and gave him a huge hug. It had been years since I had done that, but he deserved it.
I smiled at him. "Thanks, Daddy."
He patted me awkwardly, coughed and shook his head, looking a little lost. Maybe he was thinking I was a Pod Person too. He looked like he might say something else, but Mom swooped out of the kitchen, wiping her hands on her apron.
"Oh, baby!" She gushed and I found myself being hugged. My mother didn't hug. We didn't show affection. I felt faint. Maybe I should have checked the basement for pods after all. She held me at arm's length, studying me.
"Are you alright? Do you need someone to talk to? What happened to your face?"
"No, Mom. I'm fine, I swear. I just got an elbow to the eye." Mom opened her mouth to say something, but closed it again with a long-suffering sigh.
Pod people really had taken my mother.
"Steph!" Val's voice squeaked from somewhere nearby. I looked up warily. Even after Lisa's birth, my sister's mood swings were fearful things, and I had been putting off talking to her ever since news of my final nasty break-up with Morelli surfaced. Thankfully the Burg grapevine had stayed silent on my act of vengeance, although Haley had volunteered to take the rap for it if it ever came up.
"Hey," I ventured.
"Morelli is scum," Val said decisively. "A good thing you didn't marry him. Maybe you ought to try going out with that Ranger guy."
"Uhh... Ranger doesn't do-" I caught myself in the nick of time. "Ranger doesn't date."
"You'll need a new date for the wedding, now," she added, then looked a little panicked. "You are going to bring a date? It's ok if you want to bring a girl. Being a lesbian isn't so bad, really." I stared and it took me a while to think of something to say.
"Valerie!" my mother scolded, beating me to it. "Stephanie is not a lesbian...." Then she turned back to me. "Your sister is right though. What about that nice bounty hunter? Of course he dates. Everyone dates, you probably haven't even mentioned it to him." Mom fixed me with an accusatory glance, as if asking why I hadn't gotten Ranger into a date yet.
I was stunned. Beyond stunned. I was feeling light-headed. Ranger used to be unmentionable, a crazed mercenary gun running, bounty hunting Cuban. Now he was 'that nice bounty hunter.' Maybe that Twilight Zone theory was closer than I thought.
"Look, I know Ranger, Mom. He doesn't date, ok?" My mom hit me with the armor-piercing, heat-seeking stare.
"You're living with him!" she protested after a moment. "You're living with him and you aren't even dating?" She crossed herself and looked around me to the kitchen cupboard.
"I'm not living with him! I'm living with Haley, in the RangeMan building."
"Well it's a good thing your cousin's there," Mom said, looking a little calmer. "I don't know what people would say otherwise…"
"Are you talking about that bounty hunter with the nice package?" Grandma asked as she came in from the kitchen. I stared at her blankly. Today she was in a blue velour jogging suit, and her hair was a matching shade. "I always liked him better than that cop with the nice buns" she told me severely. "Sometimes I really worry about your taste in men, Stephanie."
I looked at the floor. Well, I guess this was better than getting pushed to go back to him.
"Dinner's almost ready. Stephanie, why don't you go out back and round up your nieces and cousin," Mom said, apparently taking mercy on me.
I nodded, grateful for the escape, and practically ran through the back door. My earlier fears about Haley's sanity hit me again when I saw the scene before me.
Mary Alice was galloping around and neighing loudly, with Haley and Angie chasing after her. Angie even had a crown of what looked suspiciously like some of Mrs. Pagliani's daisies, and was wearing a long white dress I didn't remember seeing before. Haley was also wearing white- a long white skirt and a loose, embroidered white shirt that looked like an antique undergarment. Finally Angie collapsed under one of the scraggly, struggling trees in the corner, and Haley hung back, as if waiting.
Mary Alice turned, cantered back to her sister, and sat down next to her.
Haley produced a sheet from somewhere, and sprung. Within a few moments she and Angie had captured a shrieking, giggling Mary Alice in their trap. I wasn't sure what the hell I had just seen.
"Hey! Dinner's ready, girls!" I yelled. No response. "Dinner!" I yelled louder. Haley and Angie gave me identically put out faces, but they stood up. Angie began dusting herself off while Haley unwrapped Mary Alice.
Haley grabbed one of Angie's hands, and one of Mary Alice's and the trio skipped up to the back steps.
"As the Queen commands, so have we come," Angie intoned solemnly, and gave me a curtsy. Mary Alice bowed. Haley inclined her head Ranger-style. I stared at them blankly, throwing more weight behind my Pod People ideas.
"Um... better go get washed up, girls," I said.
"Do I have to change?" Angie asked Haley anxiously. My cousin laughed and straightened the daisy crown on Angie's head.
"Of course not."
"Can we finish tomorrow, Haley?" Mary Alice asked, looking worried. "I didn't even get to answer the riddles!"
"Not tomorrow, girls. I have to work, but the day after, okay?" Haley said gently. "It will give us all more time to practice our lines."
Mary Alice pranced past me happily, Angie trailing her at a much more dignified pace.
"I didn't know horses answered riddles," I said, a little dazed.
"Mary Alice isn't just some common horse!" Angie turned and regarded me with all the haughtiness a 9-year-old can muster. "She's a unicorn."
Right. Of course. I raised my eyebrows at Haley.
"Did you know that Angie reads fantasy novels?" she replied to my unspoken question. "She really has one hell of an imagination hidden in there. I think she needs a little less time with her mother."
"So, what were you doing in the backyard exactly?"
"A unicorn hunt," Haley responded calmly, and pulled a Coke out of the fridge. "Together, those girls make an even better game than Dom and I used to."
Angie had an imagination, Mary Alice was a unicorn, and Haley was playing pretend. I really needed to check the basement.
"Thought you didn't like kids?" I asked as we headed into the kitchen, Haley pulling her own daisy crown out of her hair.
"I don't usually. But they were better than dealing with that clown dog or - Val!" Haley turned as my sister entered the room and pasted a smiled on her face, like she was delighted Val had joined us. "Do you think I could pull off that shade of blond?" she asked, gesturing to Val's blond Meg Ryan 'do.
Val eyed her critically. "No. You would probably look like Stephanie did with blond hair. Apparently it was very Art Garfunkel."
"What's an Art Garfunkel?" Haley looked at us, puzzled.
I winced. Sometimes Haley made me feel really old.
"I still think Stephanie needs to hook up with that Ranger fellow," Grandma said to no one in particular as she took the chair beside Haley. "You two girls have all the luck. Two handsome soldier boys to help you get over those horse's behinds."
"Now Aunt Edna," Haley laughed. "How do you know Dom's handsome?"
"Isn't he?" Grandma looked at her sharply. Haley blushed a little.
"Yeah. Actually he's a real hottie."
"I knew it," she cackled. "Of course some of those young men that work for Ranger ain't so bad either. And I hear that club you work at has a mighty fine bouncer."
"Why don't you come by some night and see for yourself?" Haley suggested. I cringed and glared at Haley. Grandma didn't need any encouragement, and I wasn't sure how many people she might zap or shoot.
"I might have to do that," Grandma said, sounding thoughtful. Dad muttered something into his drink.
Fortunately Mom produced the main course, and everyone was too busy shoveling food into their mouths for much conversation.
It was a couple hours later before we climbed into the Escape. I still halfway thought there were Pods in the basement but I wasn't so sure that I didn't like the Pod Family a little better. No more guilt trips about Morelli or gripes about my job. It wasn't such a bad exchange.
I smiled again as I eased the car away from the curb and headed home, Haley nodding off in the passenger seat.
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Less than twenty-four hours later I was wishing I had beaten Reilly to a bloody pulp. A Technicolor bruise with spectacular swelling covered my left eye, continuing out onto my cheek and my lower lip had been split right down the middle, ensuring there was no way I would distract anyone from anything. Unless it was in a freak show sort of way. I slumped on the couch and put my head in my hands. So much for that paycheck.
"Cheer up, Stephie," Haley said, sitting down beside me. "It's not that bad."
"Oh please," I scoffed. "Would you pick me up at a bar?" She tilted her head and examined me, apparently weighing her options. Her blue eyes narrowed a little in thought before she spoke.
"If were weren't related, I was a lesbian, and I was a little drunk, and we were under the right lighting..." I frowned and threw the first thing handy at her, which happened to be a fluffy white teddy bear that had appeared one night when she'd first arrived. Hm, I kept meaning to ask about that thing…
"Not helping, chica," I said out loud, my thoughts still on the teddy bear.
"Well, how about I do it? I'll hand the check over to you, and in return you talk to my mom next time she calls." She smiled brightly, like this was the most obvious idea in the world. I blanched. Haley's mother was Grandma Bella in training. Minus the evil eye.
"Come on, Stephie," she persisted. "You said it isn't even a dangerous one. Just some stupid dead beat dad."
"No."
"I can take care of myself!" Haley fumed.
"It's not that. I'm scared of your mother. She'll torture me."
"She's thousands of miles away. It's just a phone call. It's the phone call or no pay check."
"Wait a sec! You want to do this..."
"Yes. But I'm helping you avoid feeling indebted to me." She had a point. I still maintained that dealing with Marie Thorne-McAllister was a lot to ask, but it meant I got a nice amount of money...
"Tell me where you got the teddy bear," I demanded. "And then you can do the job and I'll talk to your mom." To my surprise, Haley didn't look thrilled with this idea.
"You recommend me to Ranger, and if I get the job, I'll tell you afterward." This sparked my interest further.
"Why don't you want to tell me about the bear?"
"Just take it or leave it, Steph." She ambled over to the kitchen and picked up a nail file. "Your call."
Forty-five minutes later I called Ranger.
"Talk," he said.
"Hey, Ranger," I used my cheeriest voice, pretending he'd said something a little more gracious. "About that job tonight... Um, there's a little kink in the plan." A beat of silence followed.
"Explain?" his voice was tense. Wow, wasn't he just doing a chatty Cathy impersonation.
"I got Victor Reilly yesterday, but I'm kind of... I'm definitely in no shape for distracting anyone."
"You okay?"
"Yeah, fine. Just took a couple hits to the face. Split lip, black eye," I laughed a little. "You know, the usual."
"He hit you?" Was it my imagination or did Ranger sound a little less than pleased? And since when did he bother asking whether the skip hit me- they always hit me. Well, almost always. Usually it was just with food, though.
"He was drunk, and waving his arms around and we fell down. I think he was trying to get up." Not that I was defending Reilly, but I was a little worried he might end up dead or maimed. The vibes I was getting off Ranger's non-chatty phone voice was making me think of violent tendencies. Maybe he'd just gotten out of a meeting with an IRS guy.
"We'll find someone else for the job," he said finally. I nervously cleared my throat and did the old mental knuckle crack.
"Actually, I already have a stand-in, if you're okay with it. Haley isn't working tonight and I know she could handle it." Right. The only thing I knew was that she had a mean left hook and had a freakish lack of fear when it came to Ranger and the Merry Men. It might improve her flirting awareness though, which was a hidden plus. Ranger was quiet for a moment. If I hadn't heard his breathing, I might have thought he had hung up.
"I'll be there at eight." And he was gone.
Haley looked at me expectantly, feet bouncing, eyes wide in anticipation. I cleared my throat and tried not to hear my mother's voice in my head. "He said he'd be here at eight."
"YES!" she squeaked and tackled me in an excited hug. Just as I was managing to recover from the shock, she jumped up and pulled my arm with her. "What do I wear? How do you do this? Let's get started!"
I really wasn't sure about this. There's a fine line between Burg Girl Hot and Hooker, so I was used to teased hair and tiny skirts. I didn't think Haley could pull off the look. Oh, I could put the make up on her and we could do her hair and put her in a slutty wardrobe, but I really didn't see it working. Some girls can do slutty, but some just come off cheesy. It was worth a try, though. If all else failed we could probably stick her in some sort of Britney Spears schoolgirl outfit. That would probably work miracles, if the guy was a pedophile. Any way you looked at it, this could be a challenge.
I let my grin match hers, and I took the lead to drag her to my closet.
The first problem hit with the discovery that Haley was about two sizes smaller than me, and her feet were size 5. I was feeling desperate, pawing through my clothes and hoping to find one of my 'skinny outfits', You know, the ones that you buy in hopes the new diet works, but never actually get to wear?
While I was occupied, Haley was rifling through her own clothing. "Would this work?" she asked, holding up what looked like a scrap of black and blue spandex. How she had even come to possess spandex was beyond me. Out of sheer curiosity, I took it and unfolded it.
It was a dress. Well, it was supposed to pass as one, anyway. Black spandex printed with electric blue lightning, and trimmed in blue. There was a tiny amount of fabric to cover the boobs, another scrap that attempted to cover the bottom areas, and a strip of material down the front to connect the two. "Shoes?" I asked her.
She produced a pair of sleek knee high black boots with four-inch heels. There might be hope for this operation yet.
As I worked on her make-up, my curiosity got the better of me. "Where on earth did you get that dress?" I asked her. Haley blushed.
"I, um, I lost a bet."
I waited for a minute, putting the finishing touches on her eye shadow. When it became apparent she wasn't volunteering more, I pursued it anyway. "A bet? What kind of bet? You can't just leave me hanging with something like that!"
"Oh, I don't remember what it was over. It was with Dom, so the payment was I had to let him pick out an outfit and I had to wear it out on a date with him."
"You actually did it?" I was amazed.
"Yeah. I did, but we went to a bar in the city so it fit in." She laughed at the memory. "Dom didn't think I'd do it either. We didn't stay long because he said he didn't want to spend all night in fighting off the guys." She shrugged. "Whatever. Seriously, no one even looked twice at me."
I reserved my opinion about that and stepped back to inspect my handiwork. Well, she definitely didn't look twelve. Thanks to Max Factor and some heavy eye make up she looked like a seventeen-year-old with a fake ID. Now to see what Batman and the Justice League had to say. I let her handle her own hair, although I told her to go for at least a little volume, not Paris Hilton flat. While she finished that chore, I picked up the front room. Ella did it every day but I was still uncomfortable letting someone clean up my mess.
I was so shocked to hear the knock on the door at eight o'clock that I dropped a grape onto Rex's head. He squeaked and made a mad dash for his soup can. "Sorry," I whispered and went to check the peephole. The A-Team was outside, Ranger included.
"Hey guys!" I said as I opened the door. "Come on in!"
"Jesus, Steph," Bobby swore. "What did you do to your face?" I faked a pout, although I was careful not to move the lip too much. Nothing like reopening a lip wound for annoying ouch-factors.
"Just trying out a new look. You don't like it?" Bobby shook his head.
"Purple ain't your color, girl."
"So who got you?" Tank rumbled.
"Vinnie's long lost soul mate, who was too drunk to stand up and wound up knocking me down."
"Vinnie has a soul?" Lester asked, looking amused.
"Well, not that I'm aware of, but this guy is definitely a match for him. Except he prefers goats to ducks." Watching that idea sink into their minds was a priceless moment. I was beginning to like Haley's tactic of horrendous mental imagery.
"Babe," Ranger sighed, shaking his head.
"Where's Haley?" Lester asked, looking down the hall.
"Putting on the finishing touches," I said with a grin.
"You sure she's up to this?" Ranger asked, his face serious. I met his eyes and nodded. I had decided that if she could handle Tank and the boys, she could probably handle a lot more than I gave her credit for.
"As sure a I am of myself- more actually. But so help me, if you tell her about the sex night line..." I glared at him and the guys started laughing.
"That was a hell of a distraction though," Tank said in admiration. "Distracted the hell out of the guys in the control room."
I was going to ask him to clarify that remark when I heard the bedroom door open. I watched the boys' faces as Haley walked out, and wished like hell I had a camera. The Three Amigos' jaws were on the floor and even Ranger looked a little stunned. I coughed, trying to cover my laughter.
"Is it too much?" Haley asked, sounding unsure and a little worried. I shook my head, wondering if that's what I looked like in some of my distraction get up. God I hope so, because she had morphed from Abercrombie Girl to sex in boots.
The so-called dress clung like a second skin, and the lightening print somehow emphasized all the right curves, drawing the eye down her body. Her hair was straightened so it hung partway down her back and with the several pounds of makeup, a wonder bra, and the fuck me boots she looked like a porn star. And judging by the looks the Merry Men were locking on her, she was going to be distracting a lot more than the skip. I motioned for her to spin around. With her hair covering the top of the dress, it gave the impression from the back that she was wearing only the tiny swath of material attempting to cover her butt and the boots.
"Where are we going to put the wire?" Bobby wondered out loud. Ranger shot him a look then turned his attention to Haley.
"Did Stephanie brief you on this?" he asked. She nodded and ran a hand nervously through her straight hair to push it off her face. I bit my lip to keep from laughing at the way Tank and Lester's eyes were threatening to pop out of their heads. It couldn't have been any worse of they'd started panting.
"She said we're going to a bar, and you guys will be getting the guy's car while I keep him inside..." Her voice held only a trace of the nerves I knew she was feeling. I'd been there my first time, and I had had considerably more clothes on.
"You'll have a wire, and if you have any trouble one of us will come get you out," Ranger told her. Haley nodded and stood a little taller as she gathered her nerves.
"Let's go," she said, grabbing her black mini trench coat. "I'll see you later, Stephie!" she added with a shaky smile.
"You'll be fine, Super Girl," I said with my best encouraging grin. Her smile widened and steadied.
"Damn skippy," she said with a toss of her hair, then she turned and sashayed out the door. In boots like that, there wasn't much you could do but sashay or strut, and I didn't think strutting was in her repertoire yet.
I watched her leave with Tank. Lester and Bobby close on their heels. I turned to look at Ranger, who was standing very close, almost touching me but not quite. Without realizing what I was doing I reached out and wrapped my arms around his waist. "Try not to get shot," I whispered, laying my head against his shoulder.
His arms held me tightly, and I heard the smile in his voice. "Not much chance of that tonight Babe. " He kissed the top of my head. "Try not to worry too much."
Reluctantly, I let him go and wandered back to the t.v. This time it was a Lost In Space retrospective. I needed one of those robots. It would be nice to have someone to tell me: "Danger, Stephanie, Danger!" Then again, considering my life, maybe it wouldn't. The stupid thing would probably never shut up.