Author's Note 1:Another TW here. Belle is dealing with a lot here, and if you've experienced miscarriage or infertility, it could be triggering.
Things turn out really hopeful in the end (and I promise I'm not going to ruin it this time ;) )I do not own anything remotely related to Once Upon a Time
Chapter 23 Surely Goodness and Mercy
The winter months on the Manor were dark ones for both Belle and Rowland. They had each other, and the comfort of prayer, but sadness seemed to lurk in all the corners of the place and Belle found lingering emotions even as her body seemed to heal from the ordeal. Belle could not stand to even walk by the nursery, the thoughts of what could have been were yet too strong.
Months march on, whether we want them to or not. After losing her own parents she knew that keeping busy and finding purpose once again was what was needed to get herself out of the dark clouds that seemed to engulf her constantly. She poured herself into the poor baskets she made, she helped form menus, and often would ask if she could help Mrs. Lucas with her tasks. Mrs. Lucas was unusually receptive to the idea of Belle helping her, understanding in her eyes that this was what Belle needed. Rowland was often quieter, but they found themselves finding strength to carry on.
The next time she realized that she might be with child, she was only cautiously optimistic. Belle could not live in the valley of despair-she had faith, and she feared no evil in the valley of the shadow of death-thus as another week followed another, she gained hope that perhaps, perhaps this would be the child she had prayed for.
When she went to bed with a pain in her lower stomach, she knew this was not to be either. She had not told Rowland yet, waiting to make sure his hopes would not be dashed. When the recognizable pains began, and he discovered her in a puddle of tears, she confessed that she was again losing a child and that her body had failed her, and she was truly sorry, so sorry her body had done this thing to them.
'It's not your fault.' He whispered. 'Look at me Belle, You have to know it was nothing you did, alright?'
'What if there's to be no-What if I can't, what if we…'
'If we can't have children then that is just the way it is. Some days I can hardly believe you're here, no matter that we've been married these nine months. You and Bae mean the world to me. If a babe is added to that number, I'll be overjoyed, if you and Bae are the only ones that remain in my sphere, I'll be content and count myself the most blessed man in the whole world.'
His words brought comfort once more, and she cried herself to sleep in his arms.
Belle was now in a constant state of terror as a certain time of the month approached. Each month it was a battle of emotions, as she feared the natural event coming just as much as she feared it not coming and her hopes brought to the front to be dashed again. There would be nothing but sadness either way.
'I think we should plan to go to the beach with Bae for the summer.' Rowland declared over the breakfast table one morning, as Easter had come and gone and they were once more having to deal with life without Bae's bright personality. He had taken their news quite well, all told, most children being more resilient than they are given credit, however, he could sense that his new mother was actually the somber one, and more than once he had come to sit beside her and lay his head in her lap, knowing she needed him.
Now that he was back at school, Belle knew that Rowland was trying to get them to look to the future, so as to put their minds on brighter and happier times. His words did surprise her, however, and she looked up from her breakfast in shock.
'You want to travel during the summer?' She looked at him as if she didn't quite believe him.
'Perhaps it isn't so much my desire to travel, but I think it would be helpful for all of us to have a change of scenery, don't you think?'
She knew he was doing this for her, and it sent a lump to her throat.
'Thank you Rowland.' her voice was broken and heavy. He leaned over the table and grabbed her hand lovingly.
He added, 'Would you mind if Jeffrey came along? I think he would be good to have a long while bringing Bae, and he's-well he's.'
'So optimistic.' Belle chuckled-something she had only done a handful of times since Christmas, and all of those times had been while Bae had been there. Rowland smiled back, nodding his head.
'More So than your crotchety bear anyway.' Rowland's eye sparkled with something that had been missing for quite some time.
'As long as you're my crotchety bear, is all that matters.' She smiled, the hope of a brighter future seeming more glorious, something that had nothing to do with the excitement of a trip, but the thought of them being together-of having each other no matter what life brought them.
They then had the pleasant task of arranging said trip. Rowland wrote and found the best places to travel while Belle wrote Bae and described all the exciting things they would do once they got there. Belle then was distracted by getting the house ready once again, for Bae's extended stay, as they would only be gone on their trip for a couple of weeks, before coming back and spending the remainder of their summer at the house. Belle basked in the distractions and poured her heart and soul once again, in preparing things for her little family. She visited shops to have things made for Bae as well as herself, and even convinced Rowland to have new things made especially for their trip. Rowland showed her the shirt made with gauzy fabric rather than his stiff shirts he would normally wear, and she smiled as he slid on a new vest with a white hat and black ribbon to top it all off.
'You approve then?' He smirked as she viewed him.
'Very much so, you look very much like a casual beach goer, and the hat makes you look-well, less like a crotchety bear, my dear.' The remark sent them both to chuckling.
Bae arrived a week before their departure, and the tirade of questions poured from him. Thankfully Mr. Jeffrey had also arrived, days before they would leave together and the questions could be divided evenly amongst them all. The day arrived with all the sunshine they could have asked for, and they set forth together.
Belle found herself nodding off several times on the journey, to the surprise and amusement of the party, as Bae kept the noise rather consistent. She told them it had been a challenge to prepare for the trip and it was no wonder she was so very tired. Once they got closer to their lodgings, she made herself stay awake as she felt Rowland stiffen beside her. She knew how difficult it must be for him to have decided on coming. He would be among more people this time, and be seen by so many. He was the bravest man alive in Belle's eyes, but she knew he held fear that he might face rejection and humiliation. She squeezed his hand beside her and placed it on her lap. He looked over at her with grateful eyes, their eyes speaking things to each other that the others in their carriage would not understand. He had been so very strong for her the past few months, she could be strong for him.
The other side of the carriage could smirk though, and Mr. Jeffrey gave them laughing eyes at their contact, and a good chuckle when they noticed that he was looking at them. Rowland groaned and rolled his eyes, and Belle reddened, as if she weren't married to the man she was holding hands with!
As they did for their honeymoon, it was decided they would spend their first night resting from the exertion from riding so long, Belle finding she was still very tired, even after sleeping on the way there. Rowland's leg was stiff and hurting, and thus wanted some time for him to feel up to walking the beach with them the next day.
Unfortunately, the next day found Belle feeling ill. She had yet to vomit, but the entire day she felt on the verge of it, and if she rose for any reason at all, it made her feel as if she were about to both faint and vomit, and so she remained in bed until well into the late afternoon. She had tried to get Rowland to go on without her, she was sure it was nothing but some bad food and she would soon feel better. Rowland refused to leave her, and so they were very thankful that Mr. Jeffrey had come with them, so that they could send him and Bae off together and Rowland could stay and tend to Belle. By the evening, Belle was beginning to feel better, but she was exhausted from feeling so ill and only went to the chair in her room, to fall asleep while trying to read.
'I don't like this Belle' She had been startled awake by the book dropping, and now Rowland was pacing the floor, the cane clacking against the floor with his heavy stride. 'This is not normal, please, let me fetch you a doctor.'
'I am really feeling better, Rowland, truly I am. If I feel any worse tomorrow, then we will see what is going on. I think traveling didn't sit well with me this time around is all.'
She felt just as bad the following day, though perhaps a little less lightheaded, or at least that's what she told herself when she forced her body to rise and get ready as if nothing was wrong. She would not cause their trip to be ruined, and thus dressed and prepared for a walk to the sea. Rowland looked at her skeptically, but agreed for them all to go together.
The sea air seemed to revive Belle some, helping the nausea to become a managing level. The first smell of fish had it returning with a vengeance, and she spent much of her stay with her nose in a handkerchief, trying to keep the smell away.
She hated that she was not as aware of her surroundings as she should have been. She knew Rowland was struggling as he was both concerned for her and also concerned with the looks that he elicited when he remained in public. His shoulders relaxed on that front the longer they stayed, however. Though there were looks, and perhaps even a whisper or two, Belle had been right all that time ago when she said that his obvious wealth kept truly nasty remarks from being brought before his attention. The longer they stayed, the more comfortable he became with the people that surrounded him. He flinched a handful of times at sudden noises, not quite used to it after all the quiet at Dark Manor, but his wife had him distracted for most of the time. She knew she looked a mess, but she refused to give in and admit that she was truly ill.
When she woke up the next morning, again finding it difficult to rise without wanting to faint or expel the very little she was able to eat the night before, Rowland had enough.
'I'm calling a doctor and that's that, Belle.' His voice was stern, though she knew it to be full of concern for her.
'I-I understand.' She wanted to say more, but even speaking made her nausea want to overwhelm her. She just nodded, closed her eyes and laid back down upon her pillow, trying to think of anything except how horrible she was feeling.
She found herself nodding off several times before the doctor arrived. She started naming off her symptoms and the doctor smiled at them.
'I don't think there's anything very wrong with you, Mrs. Gold. This is quite a personal question but can you tell me when you were last visited by your monthly cycle?
Realization dawned and Belle gasped.
'It's been over eight weeks. I-I haven't been keeping up with it here lately.' In fact, she hadn't wanted to think about it at all. Plans for their holiday had been the perfect distraction, and now she knew why she felt the way she did.
The doctor smiled and nodded.
'Try to drink and eat as much as you can, so you don't weaken, but you should feel better in a month or so. Although, my wife felt unwell the entire time.'
This was not exactly encouraging. Belle could not imagine feeling this unwell for an entire month let alone for several months. In fact, the entire realization caused tears to well up in her eyes. However, there was some hope there as well, though her heart reminded her that even this could end up in loss. One thing she clung on to, though she felt as bad as she did, was that she was sick this time, and she hadn't been for the others. Could that give her some hope that this babe would stay?
Rowland's eyes were large and he simply rubbed Belle's hand the entire time. Once the doctor was gone she turned to Rowland.
'What are you thinking?' She ventured. Did she want him happy? Hopeful? Resolved not to be hopeful?
'I'm thinking we should take you home. You're miserable and I can hardly stand it.'
'I'll not ruin Bae's trip, Rowland. I can be miserable here just as well as I can be miserable at home. And the sea air can be refreshing. Please?'
She almost did want to go home, but she would not ruin everyone else's time just because her stomach wanted to revolt on her.
'My selfless, kind, wonderful wife.' He traced her cheek with his thumb, his resolve crumbling though he obliged unwillingly. 'We will stay as long as you can handle it. If you feel too unwell at any time, please say something. Your health means more than a mere seaside holiday.'
She nodded, thankful he understood.
If Rowland was careful the first time she was with child, he was doubly so this time. He would not let her out of his sight, and didn't feel comfortable with the thought of going off without her. She knew how much he wanted to be with Bae, just as she did, though her body was not allowing her to focus on much else than its needs, or what it did not want. She was determined to get some enjoyment out of the holiday, and finding that the late afternoon allowed her some normalcy, they would go down to the seaside in the evenings, and while Bae may have noticed that his mother was not as energetic as before (that seemed understandable as she had been ill with some sort of food illness), and if Mr. Jeffrey raised his eyebrows at Rowland fussing over his wife, more than being worried about other people looking at him, neither said anything at all.
Author's Note 2:
I hope you are still here after having such an expected and sad chapter, last chapter. Things are brighter from here, in fact, I've already written the ending! This chapter was the easiest chapter to write, as I was writing so much from personal experience. I'm sorry for what I did to Belle, but I hope this and the next chapter redeem me (and the story!).
Thank you as always for reading, and for the wonderful comments.