How to Slide Down Horatio Caine's Chimney in 10 Easy Steps
By Carolina

The 22nd of December. T minus two days. Mission status: miraculously resurrected.

After a good night sleep, and a million different new plans, Eric felt his hope had been restored. He walked into the DNA lab, hoping to find some peace, quiet, and more importantly, some answers. No such luck. Ryan stood behind one of the microscopes, Valera next to him, and they seemed to be in the middle of a heated argument. No surprise there, but Eric had neither the patience nor the time to deal with this today.

"If you blow my epithelials away I'll make you get down on your hands and knees and find them, one by one," Valera threatened.

"And yet I would still be able to find them before you process my sample," Ryan retaliated.

"Guys," Eric said, but was ignored.

"I've been working here for five years, that's five years more than you—"

"Oh, good! Then maybe in five years, I can get my results—"

"Don't put any ideas in my head!"

"Hey!" Eric finally shouted.

Ryan and Valera looked up simultaneously and barked, "what?!"

Eric didn't let their foul moods faze him. "Any of you got Calleigh in the Secret Santa draw?"

"That's supposed to be a secret," Ryan said.

Eric feigned shock. "No! Really? Wow. Did you know that, Valera? The Secret Santa is supposed to be a secret!

Valera chuckled, but Ryan frowned. "Okay, you don't have to get sarcastic."

"Sorry," Eric said. "So. Secret Santa. Calleigh."

"Why do you wanna know?" Valera asked.

"Did you get her or not?" Eric asked.

"Depends. Why do you wanna know," Valera asked again.

Eric sighed. "I need to switch."

"You're not supposed to switch," Ryan said.

Eric ignored him. "Did you get her?"

"I didn't," Valera said.

"Do you know who did?"

"What am I, the oracle?" Valera asked.

"No, but you're the office gossip, so if someone knows who got Calleigh, that's you," Eric reasoned. "So, can you find out?"

"Maybe if I knew your motivation for the switch," Valera retorted.

"You can find out who got Calleigh in the Secret Santa draw, but you can't process my sample?" Ryan asked.

"Excuse me, I'm talking to people right now," Valera said to Ryan belligerently, and looked at Eric again. "So?"

Eric sighed. "Okay, but this stays in this room, Valera. I don't want you out there telling everyone. Especially Calleigh."

"Yeah, yeah, don't worry about it," Valera said confidently.

It was Ryan's turn to chuckle sarcastically. "Incidentally, those were the last words my victim heard... before they shoved a pistol in her mouth. Not that I'll ever be able to find out who the shooters were, what with the DNA lab's magnificent speed."

"That attitude is not gonna make me process your sample any faster," Valera said.

"I'm beginning to wonder if you're capable of processing samples at all," Ryan quipped.

Eric sighed loudly. "You know what? I don't have time for this. I'll come back after you've both reached your respective verbal orgasms."

"No," Valera exclaimed. "Eric, come on. Don't you want my help?"

"I do, Valera, but if you two are just gonna stand there and ignore me, then I'll just ask someone else," Eric said.

"No, come on, I need a Christmas project," Valera said, her voice a bit whiny before it went back to normal. "So, why do you need to switch for Calleigh?"

Eric shook his head. This mission wasn't working out too well. Half a day into it and he already had a headache. And now Valera was asking questions. Giving information to Valera could be dangerous, but for some reason the words stumbled out of his mouth in one single breath, "I got Calleigh a present and I wanted to give it to her for Christmas. There. There. Now would you please find out who got her?"

Valera smiled to herself, but Ryan merely frowned in confusion. "So, why can't you just give it to her as a regular gift?"

"Because," Eric hesitated, "it's a bit complicated."

"Complicated how?"

Valera turned to Ryan. "He thinks that if he gives it to her as a regular present, she'll take it as an indication that he loves her, which... he does, but he's a chicken and won't tell her. And now he has to hide behind the Secret Santa pretense to continue to carry out this miserable and cowardly existence he likes to call 'a life'."

Ryan grinned. "Oh, I see."

Eric looked shocked as he stammered, "you couldn't be more wrong about that."

"Honestly, Eric," Valera sighed, "this is beyond pathetic. Even for you."

"This is not..." Eric erupted but then calmed himself, "Okay, I am not having this conversation with you right now. Just find out who got Calleigh for me, please."

Valera sighed indignantly. "Who'd you get?"

Eric frowned. "What's the difference?"

"Do you want me to find out or not?"

Eric rolled his eyes and hesitated before he mumbled, "Horatio."

"Ooooh," Ryan and Valera said in unison.

"No way would I switch with you for Horatio," Ryan added.

"Yeah, nobody's gonna trade you Calleigh for Horatio. So if you really, really want Calleigh, you better do a pre-emptive switch," Valera said.

Eric shook his head in confusion (it was starting to become a familiar feeling) and looked to Ryan for answers.

"If you want someone to switch you for Calleigh, you're gonna have to give them something good in return. Calleigh's an easy gift, Horatio's the boss. It's like exchanging gold for... goose crap," Ryan explained.

"Not that Horatio is goose crap," Valera added.

"No, of course not," Ryan said. "But I can think of a lot of things I'd rather do instead of buying Horatio a gift. Including bathing in goose crap."

"Yup," Valera nodded.

Eric shook his head. "You two really need to stop being around each other for a while."

"I'll find out who got Calleigh for you, but it's not gonna be easy," Valera said. "If you haven't noticed, I'm swamped with work right now, not to mention the fact that it looks like I'll be getting nothing out of this."

Eric raised his eyebrows and smiled charmingly. "Is my eternal gratitude enough?"

"Can't really buy myself a car with your eternal gratitude," Valera said. "Can't even use it as collateral."

"Okay," Eric said. "If you find out who got Calleigh for me, I'll make it up to you. I don't know how, but I promise it'll be something good."

"How good?"

"Good." Eric replied.

"Yes, but how good?" Valera asked again.

"Oh, good grief," Ryan exclaimed. "Okay, I wanna go home at the end of my shift today, no later than that. And I want to get this sample processed, preferably before the New Year arrives. So I will make things easier for you and Costello over here. I got Calleigh. You take her." He reached into his pocket and handed Eric a small piece of paper.

"Thank you, Ryan," Eric said, grinning. But when he opened the piece of paper, his smile turned into a frown. "This says 'Valera'."

Valera gasped, turned around, and smacked Ryan in the head.

"Ow!"

"You ruined the surprise!"

"What's the difference? You were gonna find out anyway," Ryan said.

"No, I didn't. I didn't want to know!" Valera cried.

"Well, I'm sorry, I didn't know it was that important to you," Ryan exclaimed, rubbing his head.

"It's a Secret Santa!" Valera looked like she was about to explode for just a second, but then just grunted and stormed out. "Forget it!"

Ryan watched her go and then threw his arms in the air. "Great. Just great!"

"Sorry, man," Eric said.

"You know, I've been working here for three months, she's done nothing but make my life miserable and what's worse, I don't even know why she hates me so much," Ryan said.

Eric chuckled to himself and shook his head in amusement. "I don't think she hates you, Ryan."

"Did you not see her hit me right now?" Ryan exclaimed, rubbing the throbbing spot on his head. "I think I feel a bump. Oh my God, please tell me she was wearing gloves."

Eric sighed and shook his head. "Ryan, Ryan, Ryan."

"Oh, what? She plays around with strange fluids all day, God knows what's under her fingernails."

Eric chuckled again and continued. "Poor, stupid, clueless Ryan."

"What?" Ryan exclaimed.

Eric smiled as he casually leafed through some of the files on Valera's table. "I think... maybe Valera likes you."

"Please," Ryan said incredulously.

"Really."

Ryan thought about that for a moment and looked at Eric reluctantly. "She told you that?"

"Of course not, but I've known Valera for a while. This is her way of... trying to tell you something she doesn't know how to say with words," Eric explained.

"She hits?"

"Only when she cares."

"Great," Ryan sighed, looking in the direction Valera had gone to. He seemed to think about what Eric had said for a while. He was sure it was mostly bullshit. Some days he could actually see the hatred in her eyes. He could see it. He was sure if she could shoot rays out of her eyes, he would be dust by now. No way did Valera like him. She despised him!

So he shook his head and looked at Eric again, trying to put it all out of his mind. "Anyway, I'm no office oracle, but I think I know who got Calleigh."

Eric's eyes widened. "Who?"

"Tyler," Ryan answered.

"How do you know?"

"When he reached into the bag and read his little piece of paper, he looked at Calleigh," Ryan explained.

"So?"

"So, when you were little, what was the first thing you did when you drew a name from the bag? You looked at the person. It's a sure telltale. Tyler, definitely Tyler."

"Tyler," Eric repeated, pondering the possibility. "Okay, okay, Tyler's cool. I can deal with Tyler. Thanks, Ryan."

"No problem."

"Now, apologize to Valera."

Ryan frowned and gaped. "I didn't do anything wrong."

"Apologize anyway."

"Why?"

"You're a man. That's your job."

Ryan sighed. "Fine. But let the record show it's not my fault Valera overreacted like she did. I was just an innocent bystander who was merely trying to get his DNA sample processed and my actions, or lack thereof, were simply the result of a hostile working environment."

"Duly noted," Eric said and walked out of the room as Ryan went in search of Valera.

Alright, those were ten minutes of his life he would never get back. So back to square one. If Valera was mad, then no way would she help him out with his mission. And though Eric had been able to hide it well, he was sure Ryan was starting to get suspicious regarding his gift for Calleigh and his intentions behind it. But that didn't worry him too much. Ryan hated gossip; he wouldn't walk around babbling to everyone about it behind Eric's back. Ryan also admired him, he would never do anything to betray Eric's trust, and that made him feel much better. Ryan wasn't a threat. Valera, on the other hand...

He would have to apologize to her, as well. Not that he had done anything wrong, either, but when it came to women, he had learned to take the blame before anything even happened. Always sleep with one eye open... and a loaded weapon under your pillow. That was his motto. Hopefully he would be able to pass that advice onto Ryan, because the guy seemed to be clueless when it came to women. Apparently blind, too, because Eric thought it was obvious Valera liked him. He had a keen eye on these things. They didn't call him... well, they didn't call him anything, but still, he was a pro. He knew women like he knew the back of his hand.

As he walked down the hallway and towards the front desk, he spotted a flash of blonde walk out of one of the lab rooms. Headache suddenly forgotten, he instantly smiled as Calleigh made her way towards him. If she knew what a strong hold she had on him, she'd probably use those powers for evil. Eric knew he would, if only someone around the lab saw him with those eyes. Hell, even Ryan was the object of someone's affection. Eric suddenly felt depressed. What was wrong with him? Was he losing his touch? Had turning twenty eight suddenly killed off his charm?

"Hey, skipper," Calleigh said, flirty, stopping in front of him to feel his left cheek, checking to see if he had a fever. "Feeling better?"

"All better," Eric smiled.

"Good," she smiled back, a little twinkle appearing in her eyes. "It's a little slow today; do you want to grab some lunch with me?"

"Uh," Eric hesitated, his attention suddenly on Tyler, who was walking towards the A/V lab, file in hand. "I can't right now, have some business with Tyler."

"Oh," Calleigh said, a twinge of disappointed in her tone, but she hid that quickly by taking a deep breath and tapping one of the buttons of his shirt playfully before smiling again. "Maybe another time?"

"Sure," Eric said, gave her a smile, and watched her go. In the distance he could see Ryan following Valera around, desperately begging her for forgiveness. But Valera seemed to be having none of it, though he could clearly see a small smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.

Eric shook his head and chuckled. Poor, blind Ryan. So clueless.