How to Slide Down Horatio Caine's Chimney in 10 Easy Steps
by Carolina

Hope restored... again... Eric watched through the break room's glass window as Alexx quietly ate her lunch. Tyler had been right; she was leafing through a catalog, though Eric couldn't see what type of catalog it was from where he stood. Still, it's not like catalogs were usually left in the break room unattended, so that had to be it. Maybe Tyler would succeed where Ryan had failed?

He took a deep breath, trying to get rid of his headache through it, but no use. Luckily, Alexx was the easiest person in the lab to get along with. The mission was already looking successful. He was sure Alexx would switch with him, given the right amount of charm and persuasion. He was sure of it. Maybe he wasn't her favorite, but she loved to spoil him. True, Ryan was officially the youngest CSI now, but Eric was still her baby. Oh yeah, this would be easy. So he smiled, feeling confident, for once, and went inside.

Alexx didn't turn around to see who had walked in, merely kept looking through the pages intently. So Eric smiled his best smile and sat down. "Hey, Alexx."

Alexx looked up and smiled warmly. "Hi, honey."

Eric's eyes immediately looked over the catalog she was leafing through. Holsters. Bingo! His smile grew wider. "Eating a sandwich?"

"You're the detective," Alexx replied.

Eric nodded. Silence crept into the room. Alexx seemed completely comfortable with it, but Eric was beginning to feel stifled. So he decided to just dive into it. "So Tyler says you got Calleigh in the Secret Santa draw."

Alexx looked up. "I did?"

"Yes. And I need you to switch with me," Eric said.

"Why?"

"Because you like me so much," Eric said, trying to sprinkle some charm on it. Hey, never hurt anybody. "And because I was supposed to get Calleigh."

"You were?"

"Yes."

Alexx nodded. "And I stole her from you?"

"Well, I'm sure your intentions weren't malicious," Eric said. "But yeah, you did."

"Are you at least going to read me my rights before you throw me into Secret Santa prison?" Alexx joked.

"Alexx!"

Alexx chuckled. "I'm sorry, honey, but I didn't get Calleigh."

Eric's smiled turned into a frown, hope dashed again. He stared at her for a while, mouth partially opened. "You didn't?"

"Nope."

Eric sighed, groaned, and threw his head back. "But Tyler said—"

"Well, Tyler was wrong," Alexx said.

"But you're browsing through a holster catalog!"

"It was laying here unattended," Alexx said casually, taking another bite of her sandwich. She was about to return to her catalog when suddenly Eric's head hit the table. "Eric, are you okay?"

Eric mumbled something incoherently.

"What was that?" Alexx asked, inching her head closer. She stroked his back for a couple of seconds, trying to soothe him or feel for a fever. Calleigh mentioned something about him being sick the night before. Men. Like children, you have to practically force them to take their medicine.

Eric's body suddenly shot up and he grabbed one of Alexx's hands. "You have to help me, Alexx."

"With what?" Alexx asked, taken a little aback.

"I got Calleigh a present and I want to give it to her this Christmas and if I don't..." he paused, seemingly looking for the right words, but quickly gave up, "...well, I don't know what's gonna happen. But I'm not going to be too happy and you hate seeing me unhappy, right Alexx?"

"Of course," Alexx said, brushing her hand against his arm. "Are you sure you're feeling okay, honey?"

"Oh, I'm fine. I'm fine. I'll be fine when I get rid of this fucking piece paper," he said, reaching inside his pocket for it and smacking it on the table with a little too much force, "and have one that says Calleigh Duquesne on it. Not Horatio Caine, Calleigh Duquesne. I know they rhyme, but they're not the same thing!"

"Okay, alright, let's take a deep breath now," Alexx said soothingly, putting her sandwich down and forcing him to stand up.

"I don't need to breathe. I know how to breathe," Eric squabbled.

Alexx ignored that. "And why don't we lie down for a while, huh?"

"Why?" Eric asked, sitting on the couch.

"Just humor me, okay?" Alexx said, making him lay down. She reached inside her purse for a little bottle and handed him a tiny pill.

"What's this?" Eric asked, inspecting it closer.

"Drink it," Alexx ordered, handing him her juice.

Eric gulped it down without giving it much thought because hey, Alexx is a doctor. What was the worst thing that could happen? Well, she could kill him, but at this point he was beginning to feel okay with that. At least he wouldn't have to buy a present for Horatio from the afterlife. And at least Alexx would do the autopsy herself. It would be nice, having someone to talk to in the morgue. Maybe Calleigh would even cry for him a bit...

Huh.

Eric shook his head when suddenly it started sounding like a really good idea. Nope, death wasn't an acceptable potential outcome of this mission. Insanity, yes. But death? No.

Well, not self-inflicted anyway.

Alexx pressed her hand to his forehead, remembering all those times she had to stay home with Bryan when he got sick, and smiled. "All better?"

Eric sighed, staring at the ceiling. "Did I just yell at you right now?"

"You raised your voice a bit, yeah," Alexx replied.

"Sorry, Alexx," Eric said, staring at the ceiling.

"Hey, we all go a little crazy every once in a while," Alexx said, dragging a chair closer and placing it next to the couch. She sat down. "Now, what's this I hear about a present for Calleigh?"

Eric let out a heavier sigh. "I got her a present."

"Yeah."

"And I need to be her Secret Santa," Eric said miserably. "Because I got her a present."

Alexx frowned. "Okay. So just give it to her, baby. What's the problem?"

"I can't just give it to her like that, I need an excuse," Eric said, sitting up, his body suddenly full of energy again.

"Why?" Alexx asked but then raised her eyebrows knowingly and smiled suggestively. "Oh, right."

Eric shook his head, his eyes widening. "No, no. No 'right'."

"Let me tell you something, honey," Alexx said, sitting down next to him, ignoring Eric's frustrated sigh. "I've known Calleigh longer than you, okay? If you're scared that she might turn you down—"

"No, no," Eric repeated. "This isn't... that, okay? This is just a friend giving another friend a gift. That's it."

Alexx looked at him incredulously. "If it's a friendly gesture, then why do you need an excuse?"

"Because," Eric sighed, frustration making the headache intensify. Why couldn't anyone understand? Had he been speaking in Russian this whole time? Spanish? Esperanto?

"Calleigh doesn't like getting presents, okay? She gets embarrassed and I don't wanna make her uncomfortable," he explained.

Alexx let out an insinuative chuckle. "Are you sure you're not doing this precisely to get her uncomfortable."

"Anyway," Eric said sharply, choosing to ignore that. "If I give it to her as her Secret Santa rather than her friend, she won't feel uncomfortable. That's why. No ulterior motive, just taking precautions."

Alexx sighed and crossed her arms in front of her. "What's the present?"

Eric shook his head. "Can't say."

"How much did it cost?"

"Can't say either."

Alexx narrowed her eyes. "Fifty bucks?"

"Alexx..."

"A hundred? A hundred bucks?"

"I'm not telling you."

Alexx gasped and frowned. "Two hundred, Eric? You spent two hundred dollars on a present for Calleigh? Are you out of your mind?"

"Why are you scolding me?" Eric exclaimed.

"Because if you paid more than two hundred dollars on a present you just happened to see for Calleigh, then I got news for you, honey, this ain't no innocent gift. So are you lying to me now?"

"No! What the hell, Alexx?"

Alexx sat back, crossing her arms in front of her again. "You know you're not fooling anyone with this, right?"

Eric moaned and threw his head back again. "Why? Why is it so hard to believe I saw a great present for a friend and just bought it? How does that instantly mean I'm in love with Calleigh? Why can't you people just leave me alone?!"

She smiled, patting his arm affectionately. "I'm not being mean, sweetie. You, Calleigh, Valera... you're like my children. I've seen the way you look at her, a mother knows that look. I bet your mother would be able to tell, too."

Eric frowned. "Well that's... nice, I guess. Kinda creepy, considering I used to stare at your chest all the time, but nice, too."

Alexx shook her head. "Plus, three hundred dollars, Eric? Isn't that a little extravagant?"

"I never said it cost three hundred dollars, you just assumed. Maybe it cost fifty cents. You don't know."

"You didn't pay fifty cents for it. If you're going through all this trouble, then you paid a lot of money for this gift," Alexx said.

Eric shrugged his shoulders. "And so what, what if I paid a million dollars for it? What's the difference?!"

"The difference is you're not a millionaire. I've seen your paychecks, so I know you can't afford something that expensive," Alexx smiled, stroking his back. "It's okay, honey, I won't tell anyone. They already know, but it must get kinda lonely in your world of denial. I'll keep you company."

"Okay, if you're gonna get all Tyler on me, I'm out," Eric said, stood up, but suddenly a wave of dizziness hit him and he was on the couch again. "Whoa."

"Easy there."

"What the hell did you give me, Alexx?" Eric asked.

"Just a little something for the flu," Alexx answered, making him lay down again.

"The flu?"

"Just lay down, you'll feel better soon," Alexx said.

Eric did as she said, watching as the ceiling spun around and around. His vision was blurry and suddenly he couldn't tell which way was up and which was down. "I think I'm gonna throw up."

"What did you eat for lunch?"

"Haven't had it yet," Eric said.

Alexx's eyes widened. "You took that pill without eating first?"

"Well, when a doctor tells me to take something, I tend to take it," Eric exclaimed. His eyes immediately conveyed panic. "Why? What is it gonna do to me?"

"Oh, nothing. Don't be a cry baby," Alexx said, reaching for what had remained of her sandwich. "Here, eat it."

As soon as she handed Eric the sandwich, the break room door opened and in walked Horatio, narrowing his eyes at Eric and Alexx. "Eric, didn't I ask you to go back to work?"

"Eric is sick, he's staying here for a while," Alexx said protectively, unbuttoning the first buttons of his shirt to help him breathe easier.

"Eric?" Horatio asked, hands akimbo.

"I'll be right there, H," Eric said.

"Ten minutes," Horatio said and walked out.

Eric sighed and looked at Alexx. "First you drug me, now you're trying to get me fired... you used to love me, Alexx. What happened?"

Alexx chuckled. "Don't worry about Horatio, I got him right here," she said, pointing at the palm of her hand.

"Wanna be his Secret Santa, then? He can't fire you for giving him a crappy present," Eric said and took a bite of her sandwich. Mm, tuna.

"You're Horatio's Secret Santa?" Alexx asked, watching as he grimaced and nodded. "Oh, you poor thing."

"See? It's been a hard couple of days. I just need some love from you, Alexx. That's all," Eric said.

"Aw," Alexx cooed, caressing his cheek. "You know you're my baby."

Eric smiled and blushed. "Thank you."

Alexx smiled. "Now listen, this thing with Calleigh. Just give her the present. What's the worst thing that could happen?"

Eric frowned. "She has 17 guns, Alexx," he said. "And she knows how to use each and every one of them."

Alexx chuckled. "I don't think you're giving Calleigh the credit she deserves," she said. "And if it's a nice present, she'll be too touched to get mad at you. In fact, I think she'll be very happy."

"You think?"

"I know," Alexx said suggestively.

Eric frowned reluctantly. "Maybe."

Alexx rolled her eyes and shook her head. "So you'll give it to her, no more crazy shenanigans?"

"I'll think about it."

"Good," Alexx said. "Now I have to go back to work, are you going to be okay here?"

Eric smiled. "Thanks, Alexx."

"No problem," Alexx said and stood up to leave.

When she reached the door, Eric frowned. "Alexx?"

She turned around.

"If she does kill me, be gentle when you do my autopsy, okay? No rectal examinations."

Alexx chuckled. "Couldn't if I wanted to, honey. Looks like Calleigh beat me to it." She winked and walked out.

"Ha ha!" Eric shouted.

When she was out of sight, he stared at the sandwich, giving it a frown. Could he possibly just give Calleigh her present without an excuse and still make it out alive? The chances of that were probably about as slim as the chances of Ryan voluntarily walking into the DNA lab without wearing gloves. Meaning: practically nonexistent. He could still remember that time John Hagen showed up with a huge bouquet of flowers and a pair of insanely expensive earrings. Eric was sure Calleigh didn't kill him merely because there were too many witnesses. And she must have made him take them back, because Eric hadn't seen her wear them once. And if she reacted that way with her then boyfriend, no way would she react differently with Eric.

He sighed hopelessly, closing his eyes and waiting for this mild high to pass. Well, at least the headache was gone.