How to Slide Down Horatio Caine's Chimney in 10 Easy Steps
by Carolina

The 23rd of December. T minus one day. Mission status: in need of a divine intervention.

After a very troubled, sleepless night, Eric arrived at work, feeling desperately hopeless again. He found his car in the same spot he left it the night before, and after grabbing a couple of things from the trunk, he began to walk towards the lab when suddenly a figure jumped next to him, making him reach for his gun.

"Hey," Valera exclaimed, holding her hands in the air. "Is this how you say good morning?"

Eric breathed a sigh of relief, removing his hand off the holster. "You scared the crap out of me!"

"Sorry," Valera chucked. "You look like hell, by the way."

"Thank you," Eric replied. "Is there a reason why you're lurching around the parking lot like some sort of deranged stalker?"

"Aren't all stalkers deranged?" Valera asked. "Well, Calleigh should know if you are."

"Ha ha," Eric grumbled.

Valera grinned. "No, no special reason. I got your information, though."

Eric stopped walking and stared at her disbelievingly. "You did?"

"Yeah," Valera said, frowning at the look on his face. "Why, you didn't think I could do it?"

"No, believe me, if I have faith in something it's your amazing meddling powers," Eric said. "You just threw a hissy there; I didn't think you'd do me the favor."

Valera rolled her eyes. "Yeah, well, I changed my mind."

"Okay, so who got Calleigh?"

Valera sighed. "Well, I hope you like it when things come full circle, because Calleigh's Secret Santa would be the one and only: Horatio Caine."

Eric's face fell. "No."

"Yes."

"No!"

"Yes!"

"How?" Eric sighed.

"Well, he probably reached into that little velvet bag—"

"Valera," Eric exclaimed and covered his face with his hands, letting out a frustrated grunt.

Valera sighed as well. "Well, talk to him, be reasonable. Maybe he'll switch."

Eric gave her a ridiculous look. "Yeah, I'm sure when I tell him I got him in the draw he'll be super excited about the prospect of spending an entire afternoon at a department store, looking for the perfect gift for himself!"

Valera grimaced. "Oh, that's right."

"Yes," Eric said, let out a sigh and began his walk towards the lab again. "Well, it was worth a shot. Thanks anyway."

"What? What are you doing? Don't give up!" Valera said.

"I might as well. There's no way Horatio's gonna break his own rules, he'll probably ban me from town for even suggesting it," Eric said.

Valera frowned at him. "Why do you have to be so Charlie Brownish all the time? Why can't you just be a man and ask him?"

Eric rolled his eyes. "Horatio's not a woman, Valera."

"Oh, what the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"It means his reaction is not going to be 'Oh, goodie! A chance to play Cupid! Stay right there, Eric, let me go get my wings and arrows'," Eric mocked. "His reaction is going to be 'get the fuck back to work before I fire your ass for wasting my time with all this Secret Santa bullshit!'"

Valera blinked. "Okay, the anger? Not very sexy."

Eric just made a weird grunting sound, waved his arm at her dismissively and walked away.

Valera followed. "I still think you should just give it to her. I don't know why you can't trust me with that."

"It's not that I don't trust you. I just don't trust Calleigh's reaction," Eric said.

Valera nodded. "So you're scared."

"I'm not... okay, maybe a little." Valera chuckled and he frowned at her. "Well I'm glad my predicament is amusing you so much."

"No, I think it's cute," Valera said. "Kinda sad, but cute."

"I can always count on you to pick me up when I'm down, Valera," Eric said sarcastically.

"You know you can," Valera said. They kept walking in silence, until suddenly Valera stopped. "I got it."

"What?"

"I got it," she smiled. "All you have to do is find out who got Yelina and switch. If you go to Horatio and tell him you have Yelina, I'm sure he's gonna switch you for Calleigh."

Eric stared at her for a moment, going over the plain in his head, but then quickly dismissed the idea. "That's not gonna work."

"I'm sure it'll work!"

"It's not gonna work," Eric repeated. "He may not respect other people's rules, but he wouldn't break his own."

"For Yelina he would," Valera said.

Eric shook his head. "Well, it's all moot anyway because I don't know who got Yelina and I don't have time to play investigator again."

"You are an investigator," Valera retorted. "And anyway, you don't have to, because when you request my services, you get full satisfaction, guaranteed."

Eric raised his eyebrows. "You know who got Yelina?"

Valera smiled. "Frank was sitting next to Calleigh. I happened to take a peak."

"Frank?" Eric asked.

"Tripp," she added.

Eric looked hopeful for a second, but then sighed again. "No, Valera, come on. This is too complicated. I just give up."

"No!" Valera shrieked. "You can't give up, Eric. You're so close!"

Eric frowned. "What do you care if I succeed or not?"

Valera shook her head. "Because your suicidal depiction of The Grinch on expired Prozac is ruining Christmas for everybody. And because Calleigh is my friend, and I want her to have what she wants this Christmas."

"I didn't tell you what I got her," Eric said.

Valera stared at him disbelievingly and then raised her eyebrows. "Wow."

"What?" Eric exclaimed.

"Forget it, none of my business," she said. "Just talk to Frank, he's a hell of a lot easier to deal with than Horatio."

Eric sighed. "Fine."

"Great," Valera grinned.

Eric looked at her and smiled. "Why are you so chirpy today?"

Valera instinctively blushed. "No reason."

"Uh huh." Eric gave her a playful look and wrapped his arm around her shoulders as they walked. "Are you sure?"

Valera smiled. "What? Just because you're miserable doesn't mean the rest of us have to be miserable, too."

"Good point," Eric said; a mischievous smile appeared on his face. "So what's the young man's name?"

"Stop."

"Okay, okay," Eric chuckled. "Are you bringing him home for Christmas?"

"Oh, jeez," Valera said, rolling his eyes.

"See how it feels?" Eric asked as they reached the building, he opened the door for her.

Valera rolled her eyes. "I'm sure I'm not that annoying."

"Yeah, guess again," Eric teased.

They made their way through the lobby, greeting a couple of acquaintances as they passed them by, got in the elevator and quickly reached the lab.

"Well, well, well," Valera joked when she saw Calleigh standing by the front desk.

"Not a word, Valera," Eric grunted at her and then brightly smiled at Calleigh.

"Hey, guys," Calleigh greeted, joining them on their walk to the locker room.

"Hey, Cal," Eric said, trying to sound as normal as he could, though he had learned long ago there is no such thing as 'normal' when Calleigh is around. There's pathetic, there's sad, there's confusion, there's pathetic again, but no normal.

"We were just talking about you," Valera said, ignoring Eric's immediate threatening glare.

"Really?" Calleigh smiled. "All good things, I hope."

"Good things, always good things," Eric said, feeling... well, pathetic. There it is again. Didn't help that Valera seemed to be mouthing something at him he couldn't understand, though he got the feeling he didn't have to. And then Tyler whisked by them, humming I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus and Eric wasn't sure, but he thought he recognized a taunting tone in his voice.

First two names on his revenge list – Tyler and Valera.

They finally reached the locker room, Calleigh and Valera yapping about something or other all the way, and they went to their respective lockers to get ready for the day.

As Calleigh put her lab coat on, she turned to Valera. "Did you get it?"

"Not yet," Valera replied.

"Get what?" Eric asked from the bench he was sitting on.

"My, aren't we nosy today," Calleigh teased.

"Sorry," Eric said, forcing his attention to return to his shoe laces.

Valera shook her head. "Last week I was helping my mom decorate her tree and I accidentally broke her precious Christmas angel. Now she won't talk to me, which actually I find very refreshing. But she's had that angel forever, I feel bad."

Eric had lost interest in the conversation even before Valera finished talking. Calleigh started naming places where Valera could find a nice angel, but Eric was more interested in what Valera had said to him just a few minutes before. Switch with Frank, and then switch with Horatio. He still wasn't sure it would work. Frank easier to deal with than Horatio? Valera obviously hadn't spent a lot of time with Frank. Valera obviously had never been stuck in a patrol car with Frank as he went on and on about that 'bitch' mother in law of his, and how his children kept trying to screw him over... Maybe Horatio would just yell at him for a couple of seconds. On a bad day, Frank could snap his legs in four before Eric knew what hit him.

"Anyway," Calleigh said as she shut her locker door close, snapping Eric out of his reverie, "I'll see you guys later."

"Bye," Valera said.

"See you later," Eric added and watched her go.

Jesus Christ, what the hell. Maybe Frank would break his legs, but it would definitely be worth it if he could make Calleigh smile at him like that.

His body suddenly jumped and his eyes instinctively closed when a white light went off in front of him.

"Hey!" he protested.

"Here," Valera said.

Eric opened his watered eyes briefly to grab whatever it was she was giving him.

"Now you can see what you look like when she's around."

"Are you crazy?" Eric exclaimed, looking at the Polaroid, which was still all black.

Valera put the camera back in her locker and closed it. "You don't believe me? Now you have visual proof. Have a good day!"

Eric frowned as he watched her go. He looked at the picture. It was still black, so he closed his own locker as he mumbled something under his breath, and on his way out, threw the picture in the trash can.

Halfway to the break room, though, he turned around and went back to dig the picture out. The last thing he needed at the moment was for someone to find it, make copies of it, and paste it all over the lab; give people yet another reason to laugh at him.

He tried to tear it, but the plastic wouldn't give in. Any second now and the picture would clear, and he certainly didn't want to look at what he was sure was the stupidest expression on his face. So he rushed towards his locker, opened it, and threw the picture inside.

Mental note – move Valera's name to the top of his revenge list.