Disclaimer: See previous

AN: Thanks for the reviews so far. They really help me to keep this going!

Chapter Seven

When Chakotay arrived back at his quarters following the memorial service, he was wiped out. Mental and emotional exhaustion had taken its toll. His body felt as weary as if he had undertaken a week's worth of hard labor.

The neck of his dress uniform felt uncomfortably tight. He stood motionless at the podium for a long moment, his fingers gripping the sides so hard that his knuckles were white. His eyes tripped over faces in the crowd; nearly the entire crew was present, save a skeleton staff on the bridge and in Engineering. Tuvok, standing at his new position to Chakotay's right, was rigid and stoic. B'Elanna's eyes were shining with tears, and her husband stood with one hand at her elbow, not meeting anyone's eyes. Harry Kim stood away from the others, with his lips clamped tightly closed, as if willing himself to stay composed. Neelix was dabbing his eyes with the hem of a somberly colored tunic, and Seven continued her observation of human interaction, if in a somewhat subdued manner.

"Officers, crewmates, and loyal friends," Chakotay began steadily, staring at a point above the holodeck doorway at the back of the room. "We are gathered here today, to mourn the passing of Captain Kathryn M. Janeway...and not just to mourn her loss, but to remember and celebrate her life, as well. She was a strong-willed individual, an eternal optimist, and she had unwavering faith in her crew. She was able to see the potential in every person she came in contact with, and in so doing, drove everyone who knew her to perform to their utmost ability and integrity." He heard a soft strangled noise over to his left, and knew that it had come from Tom Paris, applying Chakotay's words directly to himself.

"It was she who was the driving force behind Voyager's journey home, she who had determined that we will indeed make it there, and it was not for her sake that she wished this, but for yours. Her only desire was for her crew to be able to see their families once more.

"Captain Janeway had her failings. She was an exacting taskmaster, but that only built the characters of those who served her. She was a single-minded person, but that ambition drove her to greatness. She closed herself off from human foibles and relationships, but it was because she believed that it helped her be even more of an asset to her crew." He began to make eye contact with various crewmembers now, and began to speak from his heart.

"I loved her dearly. A person may be unable to be all things to all men, but she was all things to me. I loved her in all the ways you can love a person, as a lifelong companion, as a best friend, as a commanding officer worthy of undying loyalty. Part of my soul has been ripped away, and I doubt that it shall ever be repaired." There were audible sniffs and sobs from the audience now.

"I don't believe that she would want Voyager to become a ship of mourning. I think that would grieve her more than anything else. I intend to honor the life of Kathryn Janeway by living mine: by commanding Voyager to the best of my ability, by exploring new worlds and new civilizations we may encounter, and by some day celebrating again, with the completion of her most important mission...bringing her ship and her crew home. She would want nothing less."

He stepped down then, and the senior officers each gave a short eulogy, fondly recalling a moment with Captain Janeway that had touched him or her profoundly. He had managed to stay dry-eyed during the entire event, but by the time he arrived at his quarters, he was trembling from the strain of it.

He snapped back to the present, to find that he was standing in the middle of his quarters, with no idea how long he'd been in that position. A headache was pounding in his temples and behind his eyes. His chest ached, a dull agony that he was afraid he'd have to live with forever. He thought again of his speech during the memorial. Brave words, he thought derisively, brave lies. Just going through each day since the accident was a plodding, strenuous task. One foot in front of the other, get up, get dressed, make it to the bridge, make it through your shift, go back to your quarters, try to eat, try to sleep. One day down, a lifetime of days to go.

He felt tears running down his cheeks, and wondered when he had started crying. He dashed his hands across his eyes angrily, and turned abruptly toward the viewport. Damn you, Kathryn! You get the easy task of dying, and leave me with the lifetime of enough regrets to fill a black hole.

His eyes fell on his medicine bundle again, and he looked at it speculatively. He started towards it, but hesitated, remembering how he had lost control earlier. Even the possibility of hearing her voice was too great a temptation, though, and he soon sat cross-legged in front of the bundle, eyes closed. He began to chant the traditional words.

He was in the glade again. The she-wolf was nowhere to be seen. In fact, there was not a stirring or sign of life anywhere. Then he heard the light crackling of branches again, and very faintly, a distant barking. He began to run in that direction, even as he chided himself. Did he really expect to find her? The noise was too small to be a person, it was probably a squirrel or some other small animal.

"Kathryn?" He called out, his heart pounding in anticipation. And then he had crashed through the last of the trees, and stood on the slope of a gently rolling hill. He stopped, confused. Where was he?

Then he saw it.

A old-style farmhouse sitting nestled between two small ridges, like it had grown there, instead of being built. Smoke was actually puffing lazily from the chimney. He stared as it slowly dawned on him where he was....Kathryn's family home in Indiana. Exhilaration welled up in him, and he ran the rest of the distance to the house.

He tapped on the front door lightly, and then entered, calling out, "Hello? Kathryn?" as he did so. Had he ever had a vision quest like this one? The settings had heretofore generally remained on Dorvan.

"Can I help you?" came a formal voice, with an edge of what-the-hell-are-you-doing-here. Chakotay turned to see a strikingly handsome man in his 50s, in an older version of a Starfleet admiral's uniform.

"Admiral Janeway?" he guessed aloud.

"The very same. Why are you looking for Kathryn?"

"I – I just wanted – I wanted to see her one more – one more time, sir," Chakotay answered, a little befuddled.

"And you thought she was here?" Edward Janeway spoke to him, as if to a very small child.

"Well, I came here in my – my vision quest, and so I thought.." Chakotay trailed off, feeling foolish, and then wondered why it was fair for him to feel ridiculous in his own vision quest. "She's not here then?"

There was a noise behind him on the stairs. A tall, dark-haired young man, of about twenty-five was approaching, also in an older Starfleet uniform.

"Justin Tighe," he introduced himself, extending a hand to Chakotay. Chakotay shook it wordlessly. "So you're the love of Kathryn's life?" Justin mused. Chakotay was unsure how to respond to that, so he said nothing.

"It took her a long time to get over me. It's nice to know she finally has." Justin met his eyes and smiled. "It seems that she has chosen well."

"I loved her – love her very much," Chakotay said simply. "I heard her calling me, earlier today. I'd like to find her. Have you seen her?"

"I'm sorry we can't help you, son," Admiral Janeway said, sympathetically. Chakotay sighed heavily; the vision quests were not going to bring her back, were not going to assuage his heartache. He turned to go.

And saw a flicker of a shadow cross the window. And recognized it. He dashed out the front door, just in time to see something flit around the corner, under the porch railing.

A chameleon.

Kathryn's spirit guide.

Somewhere nearby, a silver she-wolf howled.

TBC