DISCLAIMER: This story is based on characters and situations created and
owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to
Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros.,
Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is
intended.
Author Note: Many thanks to Niamh, my beta reader. Her new fic, I Will
Follow Thee, as well as, To the Honour of the Mother, should be on your
reading list if you are enjoying this story.
Minerva V
About 10pm in the evening.
I've just come back from the Potions classroom where I came across pure hatred in a stare. He wants me dead. I can feel it my bones and though I did my best to hide my fear, he knows I'm scared of him.
I'm terrified of my own child. I'm ashamed of the past and I'm frightened that Albus will reject me too.
I can do little to assuage my guilt of the past, nor does it seem likely that I can hope for any reconciliation with my only child. I fear my grandson is a lost cause as well, though if I'm honest, I knew that already.
I just wish I could talk to Draco without all the posturing, expectations and resultant grief if I should do the wrong thing.again.
I just want to be able to hug him; just once, and tell him I love him and I want to know that when he returns my embrace, he feels at that very moment connected to me. It would wipe away the past and help me to heal. I know it would.
I hope it would remove the poison of my past indelibly etched into my heart.
Just after midnight.
I am so, so angry. I've just found Miss Granger perusing the Library as though it held the key to her salvation. Does she think so little of her own security that she would risk herself for something as stupid as solitude?
It's as though she is blind to the danger around her.
She can spend all bloody day in the Library if she chooses to, so why on earth would she voluntarily taunt evil by offering herself so.so idiotically!
All of the students in the West Tower have their own rooms, unless they have chosen to share with another student. After warning her about the hateful elements in the school, she still deliberately disobeyed me and managed to sidestep the wards set up to protect her and her fellow students.
I was on my way to the rooms I share with Albus when the faint glow of a candle hinted at some tomfoolery in the Library. If I could be reasonably assured that such protective wards would work, I'd have Albus, Filius and Severus place markers throughout the Library and its environs. There are however, too many books of obscure provenance with their own secrets. It would simply be a waste of time and energy to try and counteract the magic residing in every tome.
I escorted her back to the West Tower silently. I have no doubt that Miss Granger is under no illusions as to just how angry I am with her seemingly benign curiosity to find her way around and away from the best protection that can be afforded to her.
I tried to impart the dangers in a way that she might just understand and though melodrama was never one of my strong suits, I could see that I had upset her. She also said nothing on the walk back to the Tower, but I fear she will continue to test her environment. Hecate help me if anything happens to her and I had not at least tried to dissuade her blind intelligence and naiveté.
I must admit that I was surprised to have found her brewing some concoction in the Potions classroom earlier this evening, when I went to thank Severus for the kind use of his rooms the other night. I am sure that even Severus would have tried every avenue before awarding a detention to Miss Granger for some trifling infraction.
Miss Granger did not seem particularly unhappy with her predicament. I want to know why she would seek a voluntary punishment from a teacher she has railed against for the last six and a half years.
Severus might play at being an utter bastard, but I doubt he even realises that his aloof and caustic exterior plainly shelters a hypersensitive soul who hates the thought that his life might just become transparent and more.human.
I have no doubt that Severus sees humanity as a weakness. It is as though he is continually waging a war with his own inner demons. He controls his life and his emotions in the same way that he controls a class of students.
Control is everything to a man such as Severus. It is the only area of his life that he can currently manipulate as he sees fit.
I doubt that anyone really knows who the real Severus Justinian Snape is, least of all the man himself. He offers mere glimpses, but they are too disjointed to project a whole aura.
I have no doubt that that is the way Severus continues to ensure his survival.
Just after breakfast.
Albus and I spent a rare night apart last night. I was on my way to see him when I found Miss Granger. I wanted some comfort after Lucius had departed from the school and I just needed to be close to him. I wanted Albus to hold me, to tell me he loves me, and that my past makes little difference particularly now that I seem to have chosen to reveal my shame to Severus.
It seems I wanted the assurance of a commitment he wouldn't or couldn't give.
Albus is in the most frightful mood at the moment and I can't get him to tell me what triggered it. It's as though he's sheltering me, though the what, why and who is a little more sketchy.
Breakfast was a minefield of emotions. It is as though the grief for the war has spread and infected the one sanctuary it has never been able to penetrate previously.
All Albus keeps muttering to himself is that he wishes Arcanus would get the hell out of his head and stop trying to muddle him.
I've never heard him say that name before and he was frightening me with his anger. I have seen him angry before, but never with quite such an unresolved edge. He reminded me more of Flavius, than of the kind, gentle man he has always been to me.
I hope he isn't angry with me, but until Albus feels ready to share his secret, I will just have to hope it was some passing infraction that he needs to resolve and not some more organic problem with our relationship.
I don't think I could live with myself if I'd caused his anger.
I need to forgive myself. I know I do, but at this juncture I would be as happy to ensure that Miss Granger takes due care and never finds herself in a situation from which she cannot escape. It's not that I think she would do some self harm but there are elements growing in strength in our world that would see naught wrong with using her to practice their own brand of evil.
I just need to be able to find a way to ensure she understands the gravity of the danger.
As always, constructive criticism, comments and reviews are most welcome!
I have attempted to upload this story so that the formatting remains intact. For some obscure reason, Word chapters are randomly stripped and so are my html chapters. This story can also be found (with my formatting intact) at Lord and Lady Snape, as well as AFF.Net.
Minerva V
About 10pm in the evening.
I've just come back from the Potions classroom where I came across pure hatred in a stare. He wants me dead. I can feel it my bones and though I did my best to hide my fear, he knows I'm scared of him.
I'm terrified of my own child. I'm ashamed of the past and I'm frightened that Albus will reject me too.
I can do little to assuage my guilt of the past, nor does it seem likely that I can hope for any reconciliation with my only child. I fear my grandson is a lost cause as well, though if I'm honest, I knew that already.
I just wish I could talk to Draco without all the posturing, expectations and resultant grief if I should do the wrong thing.again.
I just want to be able to hug him; just once, and tell him I love him and I want to know that when he returns my embrace, he feels at that very moment connected to me. It would wipe away the past and help me to heal. I know it would.
I hope it would remove the poison of my past indelibly etched into my heart.
Just after midnight.
I am so, so angry. I've just found Miss Granger perusing the Library as though it held the key to her salvation. Does she think so little of her own security that she would risk herself for something as stupid as solitude?
It's as though she is blind to the danger around her.
She can spend all bloody day in the Library if she chooses to, so why on earth would she voluntarily taunt evil by offering herself so.so idiotically!
All of the students in the West Tower have their own rooms, unless they have chosen to share with another student. After warning her about the hateful elements in the school, she still deliberately disobeyed me and managed to sidestep the wards set up to protect her and her fellow students.
I was on my way to the rooms I share with Albus when the faint glow of a candle hinted at some tomfoolery in the Library. If I could be reasonably assured that such protective wards would work, I'd have Albus, Filius and Severus place markers throughout the Library and its environs. There are however, too many books of obscure provenance with their own secrets. It would simply be a waste of time and energy to try and counteract the magic residing in every tome.
I escorted her back to the West Tower silently. I have no doubt that Miss Granger is under no illusions as to just how angry I am with her seemingly benign curiosity to find her way around and away from the best protection that can be afforded to her.
I tried to impart the dangers in a way that she might just understand and though melodrama was never one of my strong suits, I could see that I had upset her. She also said nothing on the walk back to the Tower, but I fear she will continue to test her environment. Hecate help me if anything happens to her and I had not at least tried to dissuade her blind intelligence and naiveté.
I must admit that I was surprised to have found her brewing some concoction in the Potions classroom earlier this evening, when I went to thank Severus for the kind use of his rooms the other night. I am sure that even Severus would have tried every avenue before awarding a detention to Miss Granger for some trifling infraction.
Miss Granger did not seem particularly unhappy with her predicament. I want to know why she would seek a voluntary punishment from a teacher she has railed against for the last six and a half years.
Severus might play at being an utter bastard, but I doubt he even realises that his aloof and caustic exterior plainly shelters a hypersensitive soul who hates the thought that his life might just become transparent and more.human.
I have no doubt that Severus sees humanity as a weakness. It is as though he is continually waging a war with his own inner demons. He controls his life and his emotions in the same way that he controls a class of students.
Control is everything to a man such as Severus. It is the only area of his life that he can currently manipulate as he sees fit.
I doubt that anyone really knows who the real Severus Justinian Snape is, least of all the man himself. He offers mere glimpses, but they are too disjointed to project a whole aura.
I have no doubt that that is the way Severus continues to ensure his survival.
Just after breakfast.
Albus and I spent a rare night apart last night. I was on my way to see him when I found Miss Granger. I wanted some comfort after Lucius had departed from the school and I just needed to be close to him. I wanted Albus to hold me, to tell me he loves me, and that my past makes little difference particularly now that I seem to have chosen to reveal my shame to Severus.
It seems I wanted the assurance of a commitment he wouldn't or couldn't give.
Albus is in the most frightful mood at the moment and I can't get him to tell me what triggered it. It's as though he's sheltering me, though the what, why and who is a little more sketchy.
Breakfast was a minefield of emotions. It is as though the grief for the war has spread and infected the one sanctuary it has never been able to penetrate previously.
All Albus keeps muttering to himself is that he wishes Arcanus would get the hell out of his head and stop trying to muddle him.
I've never heard him say that name before and he was frightening me with his anger. I have seen him angry before, but never with quite such an unresolved edge. He reminded me more of Flavius, than of the kind, gentle man he has always been to me.
I hope he isn't angry with me, but until Albus feels ready to share his secret, I will just have to hope it was some passing infraction that he needs to resolve and not some more organic problem with our relationship.
I don't think I could live with myself if I'd caused his anger.
I need to forgive myself. I know I do, but at this juncture I would be as happy to ensure that Miss Granger takes due care and never finds herself in a situation from which she cannot escape. It's not that I think she would do some self harm but there are elements growing in strength in our world that would see naught wrong with using her to practice their own brand of evil.
I just need to be able to find a way to ensure she understands the gravity of the danger.
As always, constructive criticism, comments and reviews are most welcome!
I have attempted to upload this story so that the formatting remains intact. For some obscure reason, Word chapters are randomly stripped and so are my html chapters. This story can also be found (with my formatting intact) at Lord and Lady Snape, as well as AFF.Net.