DISCLAIMER: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Hermione V

Just after midnight...

I am so sick of being bloody coddled like a child who doesn't know which way is up.

I've had enough! I'm grieving, not sick, and I really wish people would stop guarding their words around me.

I've just received the first honest tongue lashing since Mum and Dad died and it took Professor McGonagall to catch me in the Library to even get that much of a response.

She was really, really angry with me. More angry than I think I've ever seen her and she just would not shut up about the ever present 'dangers' surrounding me.

Dangers, my arse. Of course I'm in danger. Being close to Harry paints a rather large target on my back. My parents are dead because of that target and she just doesn't understand that sometimes...that sometimes, I just need to get away from the suffocating pity.

Yes, I know I'm in a wing full of grieving students, but that's not the point.

I'm sick of grieving. I need to move on or the bastards win and I don't get any say in the matter. I want them to see me surviving, see me going on with my life and see me winning the psychological battlelines they've drawn without my consultation.

I wanted some peace and I wanted some space in which to think. For me that's the Library. I feel safe there - as though the world can't hurt me or touch me surrounded by my precious friends.

I know that sounds stupid, but I instantly relax when I walk in the door. I can't explain it as anything other than - I feel like I'm home, whatever home is.

I'm just so sick of feeling...well I'm not sure what I'm feeling, but I'm sick of it anyway.

I can't write any more tonight. I'm just too angry with Professor McGonagall. I'm angry with everyone...well not everyone.

Professor Snape is the only person who has let me be myself and I am so grateful to him for his friendship that I really just need to explore that revelation all on its own.

Near dawn...

Lying on my back staring at the ceiling in the realisation that I called Professor Snape my friend, has meant another sleepless night. Now why did I call him a friend?

I mean, I know he's been very good to me and he hasn't avoided talking about my parents, but...well it's all really confusing and I don't know what I'm supposed to think.

He gave me his own ingredients, freshly bought to make the Dreamless Sleep Potion and he had no caustic comments to give me...at all. I can't work out if that means he doesn't mind me, or he can't stand me.

I don't think that I actually want the answer to that question, though one minute I do and the next minute I don't.

I really wish my heart would make up its mind one way or the other.

I can't work out if he's shy or just so used to keeping people at arms length with his boundaries drawn so rigidly, that he is just as confused as me. I'd like to think I'm not the only one in a quandary.

I think I'm getting sick of thinking, of trying to find connections and links in this whole muddle. I just wish things made sense, but they don't and I can't work out the key to find the link that I need to find.

So I went to the Library with a thermos of hot chocolate from the kitchens and sat in the big bay window near the Alchemy shelves. I didn't even read or light the fire - I just wanted some time to think, to remember and to theorise.

All I really did was daydream as I watched the candle's flame paint abstract patterns on the walls, and I could have stayed there until the morning if I hadn't dropped the bloody thermos. It hit the floor with an awful clang and of course with everything quiet, it sounded like I'd let off a bomb.

Talk about shitty timing. I was mopping up the spilt chocolate and Professor McGonagall just stormed in, wand out in the defensive position and cast a targeting Lumos charm. There I was on my hands and knees and she just started in on me before I'd even had the chance to explain.

She wouldn't even let me get off my hands and knees so that I could face her head on.

She just doesn't understand me. I don't think she ever has and it's taken me all this time to work that out. She wouldn't let me explain - just kept telling me I was a stupid girl to be out of the wing after dark and that all manner of things could have happened, and no one would be any the wiser.

Like what could have happened?

Like I could have been killed physically, because I am already feeling devoid of life and I'm still breathing.

So instead of ranting at her, I rant with quill and ink into an inanimate journal.

I want to scream at everyone and everything. I want...I want so many things and I know I can't have any of them.

After breakfast...

Bloody Snape! He and Professor McGonagall kept looking at me all through breakfast and I'm sure she has told him about catching me out after curfew. They never sit next to each other, but no, they had to do so today. I couldn't even tell what he was thinking, but he pinned me with his gaze and it was...uncomfortable.

Actually, Professor McGonagall looked like she was grilling him, though I've no idea why. I could see Professor Snape rubbing his napkin slowly between his thumb and forefinger. If Professor McGonagall knows him at all well, surely she must know he does that when he's really angry. I've seen him do it with the parchments in front of him and I'm rather sorry he didn't hex her for whatever it was that she was berating him with.

Actually, I would have parted with more than a few galleons to watch that happen.

I have Potions this morning, so I suppose I should finish up, gather my books and wits and head towards the dungeons.

I feel safe in the Potions classroom too, but I'm not about to voice that tidbit to anyone who might have the pulling power to consign me to St Mungo's.

He makes me feel safe...and I'm more grateful than I could ever tell him for that security.

It seems my heart has decided on its own...

AUTHOR NOTE: As this was the only chapter currently not uploaded I decided I'd best keep everything up to date. FF.Net seems to have sorted out its formatting problems - which is great, so as I manage it, I'll trawl back through the chapters and update the formatting. Ihave written the Epilogue/interlude before I start on the second part of the story, but now I need to bunnies to graciously give me the rest.

Many thanks to those who have enquired about my health. I had an altercation with a hospital bed (it won) and I fractured my ulna and caused myself some cartilage damage. All is now on the mend and I can type two-handed again. If I haven't emailed - it's because I got more and more frustrated with the inadequacy of one-handed typing. Niamh and Excessively Perky bearing the brunt of my silence.