I don't own Love Hina. Love Hina belongs to Ken Akamatsu. The story though is an experience I'd like to share. For all grammar and spelling mistakes, I apologize in advance.

Life as it is

Five

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Saturday Night – Dinner at the Hall

Hi there guys and gals… Keitaro… uhm… Urashima here. I'm sorry. I just don't feel good today. Actually I feel a little bit down and all. Forgive me. It's just that… the night just suddenly turned darker… you know? Have you had that irritating feeling that you just don't want to see a specific person? And that if you see that person it just saps all your energy… that's what I feel right now. All I want to do now is go back home.

Sigh.

The moment I saw Narusegawa few minutes ago I just found myself in oblivion. You know that feeling. That numbness… yeah… that's the one. All of a sudden I get this need to get out of Tokyo U. I guess that shows how much I hated Narusegawa. I avoided her. I didn't make eye contact. I just walked with the crowd when it was announced that dinner will be served at the Tokyo U Mess Hall. I mumbled some lame excuses when she followed me but I guess she got what I really meant when she just let me be. At the moment I don't want to talk to her. Geez… I don't even want to see her.

I'm not ready yet.

After eight long hard years. I'm still not ready.

Sigh.

When will I grow up?

Why did I ever come here?

What in the world am I doing here?

I'm really stupid. Earlier this morning I was at my parents' house rehearsing the things that I would say to Narusegawa. Things that I'd like to get off my chest. Isn't that the real reason why I'm here? To finally face her and say things that should have been said. To finally stop running. To finally come back and settle what should have been settled a long time ago.

I loved her. Yes. My mistake. And I paid for that mistake. Eight long years. Isn't that enough? Then why am I still running? Sigh. Maybe it's my fate… maybe it's some sort of eternal punishment for all the perverted sins I've committed (I'm a guy dammit!)

Well… here we are at Tokyo U Mess Hall where the dinner programme was arranged and served by the graduating students of Culinary Arts and Hotel Management Department showing off their skills as part of the course completion requirements. We're all here… Shinobu and Kaolla sitting by my left side… Kitsune and Mutsumi by my right… and by mere hand of cruel fate right in front me Narusegawa and Motoko. Could it get any worse?

"Ara, Ara… this is very nice… we're all here… just like before," Mutsumi said with a light clap. I could see that she's still cheerful as ever. Good for her.

"Yes! It's been a long time since we get to sit together as a family! Waiter! Pass me some banana vodka will ya!" Kaolla chirped in.

"Su… don't be like that!" Shinobu gently retracted.

I smiled at that. Shinobu's still gentle as I remembered. The sweet girl who couldn't hurt a fly even if she wanted to. I couldn't help it. I laughed a little bit remembering the times she's on the floor passed out due to too much emotional pressure. She's gotten stronger over the years though. And she managed to pull through. Sigh. I could have given the world to you my dear friend. Only if you've been born a few years earlier. I could have been a happier man.

"Is there something wrong sempai?"

"Huh?"

Damn. I got caught again. Shinobu must have seen me staring at her. Shoot! I hope I wasn't drooling! Damn! What the hell is wrong with me? So I professional passed my hand across my mouth just to be sure… geez! I shouldn't have done that! Now she's giving me that weird worried look! Am I a freak or what?

"Nothing… nothing," I said with my hands up in the air as if to say – I hide nothing! (Although it's pretty obvious in my face how embarrassed I am!)

"Can I take your order now?" The waiter came just in time! Good timing!

I sighed. I closed my eyes and just closed everybody off. I can't stand it. Everybody's acting normal but there's a weight hanging over our heads. I can feel it. And I can't stand it. As much as they try to look casual… trying to hide the intense emotional electricity, they can't block off their offhand remarks and actions; the stares, the cold glares.

For example – Narusegawa has been staring at me the whole time… and so is Motoko! Mutsumi's acting excessively casual (she's just too obvious! She's really bad at this kind of covering up thing… and she's only making it worst for me if not for everybody else concerned) and Kitsune? Kitsune's just smirking! SMIRKING for crying out loud… as if she's enjoying what's going on.

Sigh. I wish I could get away from here.

"By the way Keitaro… how long are you staying here in Japan?"

Everybody froze. This is the first time Narusegawa spoke the whole time we're together. And she chose exactly this moment as if to test me. I look up and I found her round eyes staring at me, giving me that testy look as if to say – I dare you to ignore me in front of them because if you do there'll be a hell to pay! Everybody's waiting. Everybody seemed to have stopped breathing. And Kitsune looks a little bit apprehensive.

I looked down and grabbed the menu folder on the table, I tried to answer as casually as she did, "I'm flying back to America tomorrow afternoon,"

Narusegawa was about to say something but Mutsumi was kind and quick-witted enough to stop the fire from spreading, "Ara, Ara… that's a little bit too early don't you think Kei-kun? Can't you stay any longer?"

This time I looked up to Mutsumi and I smiled, "I really wanted to but I have a meeting with the board of directors on Tuesday morning. I'll be meeting my colleagues on Monday afternoon for final briefing… so I'm quite tied up really… I just came here to… uhm…"

Now I made a fool of myself. I don't know exactly why I'm here in the first place. And I can't tell them that I'm here to finally settle the score with Narusegawa. That's just too pathetic.

"Naru-chan? Hei! How's it going?" A stranger came loping down on our table.

The guy has a black hair and brown skin. I don't know him and this is the first time I've seen him. For some odd reason he talks a little bit too friendly with Narusegawa. What in the hell is going on?

"Oh! Mervin! How are you?" Narusegawa stood as if to meet him and that Mervin guy just kissed her on the cheeks in greetings.

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

WHO IN THE WORLD IS HE?

WHY AM I ANGRY?

"Sorry… Mervin, I'd like you to meet my friends… uhm I believe I've already introduced you to Kitsune. This is Mutsumi... Kaolla… Shinobu… and that's Keitaro,"

The guy just smiled at us and bowed, "Nice to meet all of you," then he turned to Narusegawa again, "So when do you think will I get an answer?"

Gosh! Narusegawa's blushing! She's actually blushing! What in the world is going on? This is the first time I've seen her like this and she's acting strange. I mean really strange. What's going on Narusegawa?

"They've been dating for months now," Kitsune whispered.

Then something snapped.

I'm not sure what it is. But something finally snapped inside me. Call it whatever you like… but for me… I'd say that I'm finally devoid of feelings. It didn't matter anymore. Hatred, jealousy… hope, they all vanished into thin air. I can't feel anything at all. Nothing.

I stood. My abrupt movement surprised everybody but I don't really care. Not anymore. I'm staring at Narusegawa… actually I'm staring past her. My face might have disturbed her because for a moment I thought I saw a hint of worry in her. But that doesn't matter too. Whatever hopes I have an hour ago… whatever feelings I've been trying to ignore… they all vanished. All I could think of at the moment is – to get out of here. To get out of Narusegawa actually. It's the same thing when I left Hinata Apartments eight years ago… but this time its much more intense. Probably because before I was still hoping that she would change… all I ever wanted from her was an apology… I was actually ready to forgive her and come back. That's how much I loved her back then.

But now? No. I'm sorry but I can't feel anything for her. And I'd really like to get out of here now.

"Are you okay Keitaro?" Kitsune was asking me over and over but her words don't have meaning for me. I could hear her yet my brain doesn't want to understand her.

"I… I… I just want to… to… get some… fresh air…" I mumbled. Everybody's staring at me. And I don't care.

I walked out of the mess hall. I hope I didn't look like a beaten man. But I held my head up high. I feel nothing.

I don't care.

After walking aimlessly around the Tokyo University building for what seems like an eternity, I found myself leaning on a big rock facing a pond. I found solace in here. The clear night sky riddled with stars twinkling in the dark. In here… I buried myself… cleared the immense weight in my mind and heart. The pain would start again soon. The pain of abandonment… of loneliness. I would have to start from scratch again. Whatever emotional grounds I earned during my eight years of exile overseas… it just crumbled the moment I saw Narusegawa… and the wound just got deeper when I found out that she's dating another guy.

Am I just jealous? No. This is not jealousy. It's just finality. My heart's probably going to different levels of shock trying to cope up with what I'm experiencing right now. Poor heart of mine. I though I healed you… I was wrong. Now we've got to carry another weight of failure. Narusegawa just rejected us and our eight years meant nothing to her. That's the painful part. It meant nothing to her. To the point that she moved on with her life... while we got stuck in the past picking up the broken pieces.

Damn. I'm such a loser.

All I have was her memories.

Damn.

Damn.

Damn.

"You're here…"

Huh? I literally jumped a few feet from the ground. I swung around and was even more surprised to find that it was Motoko. She's carrying a plate of food. She walked towards me, threading carefully.

"Motoko… what are you…"

Motoko smiled at me and raised the plate, "I brought you food. You should say thank you, you know,"

That's odd. Motoko smiled. That was the first real smile for the whole night that I've been here at Tokyo U. What is she doing here? Why is she here? Did they send her here to comfort me? But that's usually Mutsumi's or Shinobu's job… what's going on?

"Well… uhm… thank you then… now… can you tell me why you're here?" I accepted the plate with a bow and then I faced her waiting for answers.

She just stood there looking at me. The clear night sky illuminated her beautiful face. Even in the dark she still looks gorgeous. She could make any man she chooses really happy. You're a lucky bastard whoever you will be.

Motoko faced the pond and whispered, "I just thought that you might need somebody to talk to,"

I sighed.

"I just want to be alone," It's brutal and rude but it's true. I just want to be alone.

I heard her sigh.

"You really love her don't you?"

It took me a moment to answer, "I guess so…"

"Are you angry with her?"

I pouted. Trying to understand what I really feel, "Nah… not really… just disappointed,"

"Why?"

"I just thought she'd change… I just thought I'd finally make her realise how much I meant to her in her life. But I guess I was wrong all along…"

"So you think you wasted time on her?"

"Not really… I've been expecting it actually I just don't want to believe it not unless I see it. It's a futile attempt I guess. I'm just afraid that's all…"

"Afraid? Afraid of what?"

"I'm afraid that no one would give me a ghost of a chance the same Narusegawa gave me years ago… I really thought that we have something there… some sort of connection. That's why I stayed by her side even though she's obviously brutal with me… I mean… you know that…"

"I know…"

I sighed again.

Motoko looked at me, "So… do you still love her now?"

I don't know how or what to answer that, "I'm sorry Motoko… I don't know… I really don't know…"

"I see…" Motoko faced the pond again, "I'm sorry for what I said before… I didn't mean to…"

"That's okay… it's understandable… I always have that effect on women," Geez man! That's not something to brag about!

Then silence.

The wind was blowing.

The beautiful hum of night insects echoing into the night.

We're alone here away from the glamour and excitement of the Tokyo University Grand Reunion.

And I don't want to go back yet.

"It's true though…" Motoko suddenly said, I'm not really sure if she's blushing, "Shinobu's right,"

It took me a long while to finally understand what she's saying.

And I felt that long lost feeling again.

Love.

Please God… let this be real.

Whoa! You better handle this carefully Keitaro! Don't screw this one up! Cheers!

nivremous