Chapter Fourteen: A Visit to the Simpsons
Father O'Flaherty knocked on the door. Homer opened it.
"Look pal, we don't need any Bibles. Go sell them to Flanders."
"No, no, sir. I'm not sellin' the Good Book. I'm Father James O'Flaherty. I would like to talk to you and your family for a while. May I?"
"No. Go'way!" And Homer slammed the door.
"I have some free rosaries!"
"Free!?"
Father O'Flaherty sat with the Simpsons. Marge had a tray of coffee and donuts set out. Homer sat, donut in one hand, free rosary in the other. Lisa sat, hands in her lap, her long, blonde hair pulled back in a ponytail, a few stubborn locks forming part of her old "pokey" hairstyle. Bart was dressed casually, and sat, acting disinterested, looking at the ceiling. Little Maggie was wearing a long-sleeved blue shirt and jeans, and sat on the floor by her father's feet, staring at the strange new visitor in their home.
"Mmm, thank you." The father said as Marge handed him a small cup of coffee.
"Now, firs' off, let me just tell you how sorry I am fer all yer troubles. And poor Reverend Lovejoy, ach! God rest all Christian souls! But not, I 'ave a question: where are you going to church now that the Reverend is dead and Willie has taken over preaching on Sundays?"
We see a brief shot of Willie behind the pulpit, in his work shirt and overalls. He says to the congregation:
"If ye don' eat yer meat, ye cana' 'ave any puddnin'. 'Ow can ye ave yer pudding' if ye don't eat yer meat?"
"Well…hrmmm…we haven't exactly been going to church on Sundays since then," Marge explained hesitantly.
"Well…" the priest thought how as to best phrase what he wished to say, "You could come to St. Anthony's. It's my church, it's three blocks west from Moe's, so it's actually a little closer than yer old church. Plus, I can personally guarantee that each Mass is, at most, an hour in length."
"Well, I don't know…" said Marge. She had liked their old church; she had gone there as a child, as had here mother before her, and she had always hoped to raise her children and see them marry in and take their children to the First Church of Springfield.
"Wait, that's a Catholic Church, right?" asked Bart.
"Yes…"
Lisa rolled her eyes. She had turned to God, yes, and she had grown increasingly distant from Buddhism since the incident, but she still was Lisa Simpson, skeptic, vegetarian, environmentalist, and feminist. The Church to her was an instrument of cultural aggression and misogyny. It was responsible for the Crusades and the Inquisitions and the enslavement of the Indians of Peru; it had perpetuated gender inequality and was one of the few denominations that still barred women from being priests.
Father O'Flaherty could see what she was thinking, and, in addition to that, saw her "N.O.W." T-shirt and "Native American Rights" and "Free Tibet" bracelets.
He gave her a very serious look. She looked at him.
"Do not judge the Church on what people who have professed to belong to it have done. They sinned. All men do. The Church is composed of weak, foolish, sinful human being in need of God's love and mercy. They can sin. But the Church was created by God, and is forever the Bride of Christ. Yes, the Church is referred to in female terms." he grinned.
"I don't now," said Homer, "It isn't one of those churches where they're all 'do this' 'do that' 'don't drink' 'don't have sex' 'Harry Potter this' and 'Halloween is the Devil that'?"
"No, the Catholic Church is very reasonable in it's demands. Drinking is perfectly fine, smoking too, as long as you don't do it so much that ye kill yerself. Halloween is perfectly fine: in fact, we invented it!"
"I'm sold!" said Bart.
"Oh brother!" sighed Lisa.
"Lisa," Fr. O'Flaherty said, leaning towards her, and looking at her intensely, "Do you know who the most important person, aside from Jesus, Our Lord, is the most important in the Catholic Church?"
"The Pope?" she answered, rolling her eyes. She was growing increasingly irritated by the man.
"Mary."
Lisa perked up and looked at him.
"Really?"
"Yes. 'Blessed art thou amongst all women'. She is the Queen of Heaven. And Our Mother. She is very dear to us Catholics." And with this, he took two more rosaries and handed one to Lisa, and one to Maggie. Maggie smiled slightly and placed it around her neck. The father smiled, then bent over and took it off of her neck and placed it in her hands.
"No, little one, the rosary is not t'be warn as a necklace. Hold a second though!"
He rummaged through his briefcase, then brought out a silver medal on a sparkling chain.
"St. Margaret, patroness of Scotland, protector and reformer of the Church there. May her prayers always protect you, little one."
Maggie smiled, and looked at her shiny new medal. She placed it around her neck with her old pacifier.
"Bart, you have a patron too, y'know?"
"Hmm?"
"St. Bartholomew, one of the Apostles. A wonderful saint." He explained as he handed him a medal.
Bart looked at it. Cool he thought. I can where it around school. Show off some bling-bling.
"Lisa…I don't have a St. Lisa medal, but I do have this," he said as he handed her a Miraculous Medal, "It is the Miraculous Medal of Our Lady. Wear it always. Ask always for her prayers and guidance. The power of the prayers of The Virgin is great. For at the Wedding at Cana, she asked Our Lord for a miracle, and though He said it was not yet time to reveal Himself to the world, he did so because His Mother, the Virgin Conceived Without Sin, asked Him to do so. Her prayers can save a soul standing on the edge of hell."
"And, I might as well give you two something as well. Marjorie, I have for you a medal of St. Anne, mother of Our Lady, patron Saint of Mothers. And for you Homer, a medal of St. Joseph, the husband of Our Lady and the adopted father of Our Lord, patron saint of fathers."
"Woohoo! More free-bees!"
"Thank you father. But…I don't know. I mean, do we have do stuff…you know, go to classes and get re-baptized and such?"
"Have you and your husband been Baptized before?"
"Yes. I was baptized at First Church of Springfield, and so was Homie."
"Well, you don't have to be baptized again. It counts as long as water is used, they say 'I Baptize thee in the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit.'"
"What if they say 'you'?" asked Homer.
"Still counts. The only baptisms that aren't valid are those in the Mormon, Quaker, Jehovah's Witness, and Seventh Day Adventist faiths, and that is because they either use an invalid ritual or don't believe in what one has to believe in to be a Christian, like Jesus is the Son of God and such."
"However, before you can receive the Eucharist, be confirmed, and fully participate in the Church as adults, you must go through RCIA classes. We have them every Wednesday at six o'clock. Sister Francis teaches them, she very nice. And, for your children, we have our youth meetings that night, so you don't have to pay for a babysitter."
"Hmmm…what do you think, Marge?"
"Huh…"
"Have the children been baptized?"
"Umm…no…we…we never…"
"Uh! Say no more! I can Baptize them next Friday at five thirty, after your husband comes home to help you with the baby! Just like that!"
"How much?" Homer asked suspiciously.
"Free! Do you 'spect me to charge for saving their souls?"
"Do I have to go to Sunday school?" Bart asked.
"No, but in order to receive the Eucharist and be confirmed you have to go to classes on Wednesday, like your parents. You'd be going there anyway, and plus, you can't fail a CCD class, boy-o: they don't grade yeh, and every utter answer is 'Jesus'!"
"Hrmm…"
"Plus, getting confirmed is like a Catholic Bar Mitzfah."
"Do I get a party?"
"I you want!"
"Can I stomp on a glass cup?"
"Er…sure! And, unlike those silly Jews, we confirm our girls too!"
"The Jews have a female equivalent to the Bar Mitzfah call the Bath Mitzfah." Lisa said incredulously.
"Yes, but we have the same name and same ceremony for both. And always have! Aren't we fair? Mmm…this is good coffee. Well, I hope I haven't bothered you at all. I hope to see you all on Sunday at seven, nine, or eleven. Oh! One more t'ing! You can come to the Mass at six on Saturday night, and I keep it short as I can, and it counts as going to church on Sunday!"
"Cool!" exclaimed Bart. "We could sleep in on Sunday!"
"Yay!" said Maggie quietly.
"You've given me a lot to think about," Homer said. He placed his hand on his chin. We see in his head a bunch of dancing leprechauns. "A lot to think about."
The father finished off his coffee, then said his farewells to the family and was on his way. Marge was kind enough to see him to the door and help him with his coat.
"Thank ye very much, Mrs. Simpson." he paused, the asked, "How were the boys, the neighbor boys, before…?"
"They were so nice," she said, shaking her head, "They always said 'please' and 'thank-you', they went to bed at six and woke up at five. They did their chores without complaining and even offered to help other kids with their own if they finished their ahead of time. Their favorite pastimes were praying, reading the Bible, and watching 'Davey and Goliath'."
"Hmmm…thank you."
And he left for the Flanders' home.