Note that italic texts in parenthesis, eg. "Kenshin...", are 'thought' texts, whilst others are emphasis. There are some adaptations from chapter 251 of the manga, "Hurry Go Round". Enjoy!
Part 1: White Plums
Thank you... sorry... goodbye...
Those simple words dug into Kenshin's mind. Evaluating such simplicity of speech - they were not enough. Somehow he had felt as such earlier, but keep denying them until his conscience knocked his head.
"Three simple words. Is that enough for Tomoe-san??"
"Kenshin, are you allright?" Kaoru glanced to her side, looking at Kenshin who concentrated his stare to the ground. His eyes narrowed in his deep thoughts. He shook his head, gazed up front and sighed, trying to erase those subjects of thinking. Suddenly, he felt the soft clasp on his arm. And in his hand, her fingers grasped a little more tight, hoping that he would pour out what has been playing in his mind at that time. Many times before, he could. But not today. Not this subject. He refused to say anything about it.
"Kenshin..." she called again. "You're not listening."
"I am," he corrected her. He afforded a smile to calm her suspicions, "I'm okay." Yet, Kenshin was wrong if he thought that he could calm her thoughts down. Somehow, Kaoru was able to read his mind.
"He's not okay. For all that Tomoe-san did, he knew it wasn't enough. Why is he in such a haste to say 'goodbye'?" She remembered when both of them were visiting Tomoe's grave just now...
"Hey, Kenshin. To Tomoe-san, what will you -- " Kaoru's question was abruptly interrupted by Kenshin's hasty answer, "The same as Kaoru-dono. 'Thank you'. That and 'sorry...' and 'goodbye...'"
"Tomoe-san worth more than just those three words..."
She watched him as he continued observing the skies emptily. Her mind began to ponder, "Was he saying it just so that I won't be hurt? I knew it very well that Kenshin never wanted to hurt anyone. With that, perhaps... he's not being honest with me..."
Kaoru looked down. She felt his hand, enwrapping hers... the warmth, the calmness it sent through her nerves... it was all she wanted. To be held by Kenshin. If she hadn't have any sense of control, she could have just babble her thoughts out there. But today, she came to realize the consequences if she does. Pain. Pain of rejection.
"Maybe Kenshin still loves Tomoe-san. Maybe it hurts him to know that the woman he loved died because of him. So therefore, he tried to disguise his mourning by making his speech a quick one - with just three words..."
Tears began to soak her eyes. Suddenly Kaoru felt so downhearted, unconfident, weak...
"He doesn't want to be too hurt. Too hurt of causing her to die... too hurt of losing her... too hurt of loving her..."
She watched the face of Kenshin. Taintless, innocent, undoubtedly handsome... his red hair made her want to play with each strands of it, his violet eyes sparkled like the stars that shimmered in the night sky. To own him forever would be divine. But she knew, although he was right there beside her... in his heart, there was only one woman he truly loved. Her mind recollected what Megumi told her long before...
"You could never replace Tomoe-san..."
Then, Kaoru denied it fully. "I know I can make Kenshin love me. If he doesn't, why is he always there for me? Why does he stay? Why is he willing to give protection to me? Why is he so good to me??" she once thought. But now, his hurried acts at the cemetery gave her a clue of his inner feelings. Her eyes were opened... and she could see that woman. Smiling within him, beautiful and charming, gentle and loving...
"Tomoe-san... Kenshin loves Tomoe-san…"
A tear dropped down her cheeks. She looked away immediately, hoping that Kenshin won't notice them. He didn't. He was engrossed to his own topics. Kaoru dried her tears with her other hand, then turned to Kenshin. Though she hoped that he won't know that she was reading his thoughts and the pessimism it caused was breaking her heart, she DOES want him to know that she was down in gloom.
"Look at him. He didn't even notice me weeping. Last time he would know. But now..."
Kaoru pulled her hand from Kenshin's grip. Only then, Kenshin was awaken.
"Kaoru-dono..."
Kaoru took a last glimpse at Kenshin before heading straight in front of him. She didn't want to see his face, because it would just cause jealousy to build up in her. Even if Kenshin would love her, it won't be as much as Tomoe. Selfish as it might seem, but who doesn't want to be loved completely?
For a while, Kenshin saw that Kaoru was bothered. He was about to catch up with her, wanting to place his hand on her shoulder, to show his never ending concern for her as he always did and ask her about it... when a scent caught his nose. The soft breeze blew around him, with a smell that aroused his thoughts more. Its ghoulish presence began to open his eyes into himself.
"White plum..." he thought.
"Tomoe-san..."
A flash blinded his mortal sights. Suddenly, he found himself standing in a garden. Cherry blossoms were everywhere. The gentle wind swept the falling flowers that fell, carpeting the ground, escorting Kenshin as he walked around the beautiful garden. The birds were chirping happily, the sky was blue with light patches of clouds. The sun was very bright, yet it didn't feel hot at all. At the end of the path, his sight caught an image. An image of a lady... whom he long to seek, to settle all his overwhelming guilt and regrets that was buried in his memories...
"Tomoe... Tomoe-san!!"
She turned. Her lips carved a smile, as her eyes gleamed in joy. Her beauty remained. With an umbrella leaned on her shoulder, she walked slowly towards Kenshin, and embraced him.
"Himura-san..."
"Tomoe-san..." he loosen her from him, as he directed her face to his. "After all that I've done... you still smile for me...??" Tomoe widened her smile. "I'll always smile for you..."
Kenshin hugged her back, as the umbrella fell from her hand. In the chill that the spring wind, surrounded by the perfume scent of the sakura, they held each other. For once, after years of depression and remorse, he felt peace in his heart. He closed his eyes, with his head rested beside Tomoe's.
"Forgive me, Tomoe-san... I made you unhappy..." he uttered. "You can't imagine how deep I sink in gloom thinking about it... gomen, Tomoe-san, gomen..." Kenshin had wished to say those word to Tomoe directly for a long time. When he let them out, it was as if releasing a thorn pierced into his heart. She replied, "You didn't. You might have killed my fiance... but in return, you protected me, and you gave me happiness. You took care of me. You had been a good husband... my second beloved..." she grimaced.
Those words put Kenshin in a state of shock. The avenger who loved the enemy. "Tomoe-san..." he whispered. "Even though I was the one who took her life away... she loved me...!" But he couldn't deny how beautiful she looked with that smile on her face.
"Tomoe-san... indeed, such a kind soul..."
"Do you still remember when you said that after the war is over, you'll protect to pay respect to those you have killed?" Tomoe reminded him. He nodded, as she continued, "You fulfilled your promise. I'm very proud of you. Last time, you made it rain blood... but now you protect peace. You did the right thing." He confessed, "It was you who enlightened me then. If it wasn't for you, I would not realize it all..."
"Yes... THEN..." Tomoe emphasized. "I hope you realize who is truly your light now..."
"Oro?" he puzzled. She was a bit astonished, "That doesn't sound like Battousai..." Kenshin grinned, scratching the back of his head. "I'm no more Battousai, Tomoe-san. I'm just a rurouni. But..." he recalled her statement earlier, "... my true light?"
"Yes. I was your light then... but can't you see who has shown you the brighter light now??" she asked him. Kenshin paused in wonderment. "Can't you feel the sunshine inside your heart?" she asked again.
"The brighter light...?? My true light...???" ……………
"KENSHIN!!!!"
A punch came straight to his head. Sanosuke stared at him as he span carelessly.
"Oro ro -- !!"
"You have to stop your daydreaming habits, you know!" Sanosuke told. Kenshin, recovering from dizziness, beheld his surroundings. He was already in the dojo. Frowning with puzzlement, he thought shortly.
"I'm already here... what happened...? Where's... Tomoe-san??"
"Look at him. He didn't even realize if he's home or not!" Yahiko said. Both of them shook their heads, making sounds. Only then Kenshin remembered Kaoru.
"Where's Kaoru-dono??"
Sanosuke told him, "She reached the dojo twenty minutes earlier than you. When she arrived, she stormed straight into her room." He leaned forward, predicting something between them, "What were you thinking till you lost her on the way?? You both quarreled??"
Kenshin looked at him with a dazed face. "No. I don't think so." Sanosuke added, "Well, she didn't look good just now." Fixing his eyes directly to Kaoru's room, Kenshin knew she was bothered. Bothered about him.
"Maybe she knew..." There was a short perception in his head before he said aloud, "I have to talk to her." Sanosuke agreed with him, "You'd better."
"Baka... I shouldn't think about it. This is ridiculous. Who am I to judge who'll he choose?? I don't care about it!" Kaoru's little heart mumbled. She wept the moist on her face that had been flowing down since she got back from Kyoto. Her heart had been tormented by many feelings - love towards Kenshin, jealousy towards Tomoe, pity towards herself.
"Kaoru no baka… Kaoru no baka!!!" she was hitting herself on the head, trying to calm her tangled thoughts. "I don't want to think about it! It makes me sick! It makes me downhearted! This is not Kamiya Kaoru!" She sobbed a bit, cooling down. "If I keep on acting like this, the group will notice it and my little feeling will be disclosed! I don't want Kenshin to know them! It's better to keep them unrevealed than unreturned. Moreover, some things aren't settled yet, so with things busy running around, I might as well escape this torture..."
In a short silent pause, she made up her mind.
"I can stand this. I've lived my life being almost lonely up till now... it shouldn't be a problem." She determined to stay strong. "Nevermind. I respect Kenshin's feelings. If he wants to stay loyal to Tomoe, so be it. I don't want to jump in... knowing that he won't love me as much. It would cause him more pain and suffering."
"It's true what they say about life. Where there is happiness, there will be suffering. Where there is fairness, there will be injustice..."
She inhaled deeply, cuddling herself at the corner of her room, "I'll be allright. For the sake of Kenshin... I will do it. Even if Tomoe-san is his choice... even I'm not the queen of his heart..." she sobbed, "I'll surrender..."
"Kaoru-dono, are you in there???" a voice rang from outside.
"Kenshin...!!" Kaoru lifted her head towards the door. The shadow of his outline was seen, as he waited outside patiently. She observed him. He placed a hand on the door, expecting an answer. How she wished she could just simply rush to him and embrace him, telling him the words she wanted him to know... but no, she couldn't. Agony. Anguish. Grief. Who would want those feelings?
"I know you're inside. What's the matter??"
She wanted so much to explain what was in her mind, but again, the fear of rejection stopped her. "I rather stay in this torment than hearing the words of rejection..." She could imagine how she feels if Kenshin mouth his feelings. "I love Tomoe-san, Kaoru-dono... gomen..." Her heart would stop beating, her lungs would stop breathing. "I can't love you, Kaoru-dono..." She would just die. She would have wished that Enishi had killed her if the ending should turn out like this. Her world would tumble down into doom.
"Kenshin can't love me..." she sniffed, but later reproclaimed her promise. "But I have to be strong."
She knew, in order to make him thought that nothing serious is bothering her, she had to create a cover for her real thoughts. Strength is the only device she need; endurance is the key to make her plans work.
A last word for herself. "Stay strong, Kaoru..."
"Kaoru-dono... onegai, open the door..." Kenshin requested of her. The door slid open. He noticed little bulging around her eyes. He wanted to touch them, "What's wrong...? Your eyes... they're -- "
"Daijoubu!" Kaoru cheerfully said, pushing his hand away. "It's a long walk from Kyoto just now. So I took a nap. Probably that's why my eyes swelled." Kenshin somehow sensed that she was trying to cover something. "Kaoru-dono... what is it?"
"What about? I'm not bothered, then why should you be bothered...??" She was putting her best effort to make her acting work. Kenshin remembered her acts on the way home - when she pulled off her hand from him - probably that was why Kaoru was acting very strange. "Then, why, just now... on the way home...??"
"Oh... that was nothing. You clutched my hand too tight, I guess. Forget about it." A lame reason, but Kaoru couldn't think of anything else. He suspected something. Yet she acted as normal as she could be. She pushed Kenshin to the living room.
"Kaoru-dono..."
"Kenshin... really..." she looked at him, "Nothing's wrong!"
Hastily, Kaoru pushed him. She tried to appear and act like the usual. Deep within herself though, she murmured "… and yet, this play shall continue... until Kami-sama knows when." Kaoru convinced herself that the beginning would be tough, but after that, it would a be a routine overshadowing an impending sorrow...