Note that italic texts in parenthesis, eg. "Kenshin...", are 'thought' texts, whilst others are emphasis. There are some adaptations from manga chapters 252 "Autumn Wind" and 253 "Mild Autumn Weather". Enjoy!
Part 3: Healed To Be Hurt
The next day, Megumi announced her plan to depart home to Aizu to everyone. Over the fortnight, many things happened. The unsettled duel between Kenshin and Saitou Hajime came to a close, with the legendary Miburo disappearing from the scene. Hitokiri Battousai had long gone, buried in the depth of Kenshin's memories. Himura Kenshin is no more Battousai. Aoshi later announced that he and Misao will depart for Kyoto. These double farewells, and Sanosuke's abrupt escape from Tokyo showed that everyone was beginning to go into their separate ways now. Life at the dojo, therefore, gradually became empty and quiet as before.........
Kaoru sat outside the dojo alone in the morning, observing its serene compound. Although she was feeling calm, she was lonely. Very lonely. She looked into the past, and imagined how her lonesome life had turned so lively. First it was the rurouni named Kenshin. Then it was the pick-pocket called Yahiko. After that, it was Sanosuke, once a gangster dubbed as Zanza. Three of them were like family to her. Plus Megumi, Misao and her circle of friends... life was wonderful - full of adventure. Like Sanosuke would describe it - FUN.
Those were the times when she would wake up every morning and see Kenshin doing laundry and playing with Ayame and Suzume in the yard. Then, Sanosuke and Yahiko would scream at each other's faces, chewing out each other's temper with annoying words. Megumi would probably pass by and gave her a foxy grin, teasing her about Kenshin's incompatibility with 'a sweaty, undeveloped tomboy' like her.
How she wished they were still here.
Sanosuke and Yahiko - although mischievous and both kings of pranksters - they were like her elder and younger brothers. Megumi - though she hated her for having feelings for Kenshin - she was like a model to inspire her as she grew up. And Kenshin... he won her. She was deeply in love with him from the first day he came into her life. It had gotten stronger as time went by, and the emotion was indestructible - like a solid fortress standing on top of her heart. She didn't care even if he had killed a thousand men as Hitokiri Battousai - all she cared about was Himura Kenshin - the man whom he is.
Still, if it wasn't for Kenshin... she won't feel this lonely...
"Kenshin... Tomoe-san..." her eyes narrowed. They began to wet.
"Kenshin... Tomoe-san..."
"They were inseparable. How much I envy them..."
The thought came back. Kenshin and Tomoe. For two weeks, she had gone through with the cover up well. Matters running around the group made her busy, and thus, she was able to forget the subject. But now, the emptiness had invited it back to fill her mind, to involve her in another torturing session of wondering.
"Kenshin..." she began to weep. Recalling back......
It was already dawn. She sat up, asleep, with her needlework beside her. Suddenly a voice called...
"Kaoru-dono... you'll catch cold sleeping in such a way..."
She glanced up and saw Kenshin standing in the doorway. He had just came back from what supposed to be a last decider for him and Saitou.
"Tadaima...".........
How sweet those words sounded to Kaoru's ears. Kenshin called the dojo his home.
"I'm home..." they rang again. It faded as her mind drifted into another section of her memories, on the day Megumi was going to depart for Aizu. She told her...
"So with that said, you stop with the indecent face. Ken-san has chosen not I, not Tomoe-san, but you. The number one most effective medicine for Ken-san's cross scar is a 'smile', so if you always watch over Ken-san with a smile, someday, surely -- ... "
Kaoru sniffed. "How would you know, Megumi-san?? How would you know???" She cuddled herself - with her arms hugging her folded legs - and buried her face into her newly-worn kimono. Patches of moist stained the fabric - as she pondered more...
"Kenshin has been good to me... yes, I know... but doesn't mean he loves me... as much as he loved Tomoe-san. Maybe I'm only a friend to him. A good friend. Someone who accepts him as he is. Someone who understand him. A close friend..."
"... but never... his precious love..."
Kaoru watched the sky, which was turning light blue slowly. Suddenly, from behind, a hand tapped her shoulder...
"Kenshin!" she glanced immediately. Yahiko leapt aback, shocked with her sudden act, and stared at her in puzzlement.
"Kaoru! It's me!" he told. Kaoru froze. "What's wrong with you??"
"Nothing!" she turned away. The glassy tears in her eyes began to leak more. She didn't want Yahiko to notice them. He might be slightly young to understand, but to let him recognize the disturbance is not a good idea at all.
"You're up early... but why isn't there any breakfast on the table??" Yahiko fumed.
"Why don't make your own? I'm not in a good mood now, so don't bother me!" Kaoru said out loud. Yahiko was momentarily furious, and his rising, childish anger wanted to start another quarrel, until a voice came, settling everything down...
"I'll make breakfast."
Yahiko turned, smiled and said, "Yeah, Kenshin! That's more like it... unlike some people I know..."
A normal Kaoru would turn and wrestle Yahiko when those words came out. But she didn't. She refused to turn and show Kenshin her misty eyes. Her acts left them with a clue - yes, Kaoru isn't herself today. Something is wrong.
"Weird..." Yahiko thought, "The hag didn't move even an inch..."
"Kaoru-dono...?" Kenshin called softly. The way he spoke her name - even with that formal suffix 'dono' - melted her heart, increasing her desperate but hopeless love for him. The truth is she wanted to glance and dive into his eyes, and whisper to him her real feelings, but again, it was Tomoe who stopped her.
There was a short silence, before sound of footsteps began to approach her. It became louder and louder, and it stopped. She could feel the cloth brushing behind her arm...
Kenshin's hakama.
"Kaoru-dono..." he called again. He knelt right behind her. His hands held her shoulders firmly.
"Kenshin..." Kaoru became more reckless. "Don't... hold... me..."
"Tell me what's wrong..." he whispered into her ears. His face searched for her eyes, wanting to see right into her heart. "Look at me... onegai..."
More pain on Kaoru. The man she loves was holding her. Yet she knew, his heart was holding another. The pain was so deep, that she felt like begging Kenshin not to look at her, not to hold her, not to be so concerned about her. But she couldn't. Though she might not be Tomoe's replacement, she still wanted to be touched, to be cared about, to be gazed into the eyes. It gave her so much comfort...
... and PAIN...
She realized that another cover up was necessary to prevent further suspicion. And she was going to do exactly as what she planned. Glancing slowly towards Kenshin, watching his angelic face turned troubled, she said, "I'm not feeling well today..." and afforded a small smile. Her eyes were swelling - with lumps circling them. Kenshin touched them gently, and looked on her. The rising concern in him was projected through his bright violet eyes.
"You should rest then. Let me do all the chores today..." Kenshin told her, as he slowly helped her onto her feet. Turning to Yahiko, he said, "It would be nice if you could boil some water, Yahiko."
Yahiko, who was half asleep, nodded blankly and walked to the kitchen. Kaoru, with Kenshin's aid, head back to her room. He spread out the futon, and laid Kaoru on it. He picked up the quilt and tucked her in. Kaoru couldn't help but fixing her eyes on him. Kenshin knelt beside her, and placed his hand on her forehead. She narrowed her eyes in slight moment of pleasure. The warmth... the security... the love...
"Kenshin..."
"You have a fever. I'll get you some medicine," he said. Fixing the blanket well over her, he bent towards her, saying, "Now rest. I'll be back in a short while." His lips curved with a smile, as he stood and walked out of the room.
Kaoru stayed speechless. Such a loving way to show his care. His smile remained in her eyes - a great source of comfort to her tangled thoughts.
"Perhaps it was just me... being too worried." She grimaced to herself. "Baka, Kaoru... you should see how much Kenshin cares about you... not how much he drools off of himself or presuming what he was daydreaming about..."
"Maybe I'm being too sensitive. I know Kenshin cares about me very much..." Her confidence seemed to come back. Her eyelids grew heavy, and they were gradually closed, drifting Kaoru into a good rest...
"Only with Kenshin's love... I can feel peace..."
Kaoru blinked her eyes open. She stared on the bare ceiling sleepily after that good rest, and inhaled a deep breath. Glancing to her side, she could see behind the closed doors that it was already dusk. The sun was setting. A little smile of relief came out of her face. Somehow she felt healthier than before.
"Kaoru no baka..." she thought, as she laughed to herself. "My cover up was all a waste. My perceptions... my painful feelings... why was I tormenting myself? Kenshin... he... he does love me, ne? I could see it through his eyes, his face, his acts. After all that we've been through... I don't believe he didn't have even the slightest interest on me... haven't he?"
Slowly she recalled all the times they spent... from the day he saved her from Hiruma Goheh... and the time she was kidnapped by Jineh Udou, and again, she was saved by him... all through the battles against Shinomori Aoshi, Saitou Hajime, Shishio Makoto, Seta Soujirou and Yukishiro Enishi...
"Throughout everything... besides defeating evil, he always have another priority..."
"His friends..."
She thought back how much Kenshin wanted to protect his friends, to make sure that they are safe. Kenshin's voice lingered in her memory box...
"Protect Kaoru-dono. Take care of Kaoru-dono..." Various ways of expressing it - but it only meant one thing - Kaoru's security. He wanted her to be completely safe that he was willing to become Hitokiri Battousai again - as a sacrifice for her. All for the sake of her.
"I want to tell him. I want him to know that he's the most important and precious person to me." Her confidence was restored. "I want him to know that I love him very much..."
"And I want him to know it NOW... before it's too late..."
After rolling the mattress and folding the blanket neatly, she placed them at the corner of her room. Then, she slid the door open to find Yahiko practising his kendo intensively at the far end of the yard. Creeping quietly out of his sight, she made her way to the kitchen. Peeking from the doorstep, she saw Kenshin preparing dinner. She didn't intend to go in and help - all she thought at that moment was to watch him, to scrutinize him... attentively...............
Kenshin was busy scraping the fish. Though he seemed concentrated, his mind was wandering restlessly - about Tomoe.
The answer he refused to tell. "She knew... Tomoe-san knew..."
"Of course I know," that sweet voice talked to him again. "But I want you to tell me."
"Oro -- " Kenshin was surprised to see her. He was in that garden again, but now both of them were on a hillside. He could see the vast spread of green and pink on the ground, and an ocean of blue in the sky, spilled with a little bit of white. Turning back to her, he afforded a smile.
"So tell me," Tomoe seemed rather pushy. She had her reasons to do that.
Kenshin slowly frowned, and looked down. "I... can't..."
"Oh yes, you can," she encouraged him. Her head moved to observe him closer. Her face appeared to be more cheerful than before. But Kenshin was still wearied - worried to admit the truth...
"Himura-san...?"
"I can't..." Kenshin murmured. "Tomoe-san... onegai, don't force me... I can't answer that question... not that question..."
"You cannot hide anything from me, Himura-san... so you might as well answer me," Tomoe told him. Kenshin frowned, "No..."
"Look there," Tomoe instructed suddenly. Kenshin glanced away, and saw a light - blinding him at once --
"TOMOE-SANNNNNNN!!!!!!!"
He blinked, and found himself back at the dojo's kitchen. Suddenly, there was a thumping sound coming from his back. He turned to find Kaoru sitting down against the wall, staring at him with an indescribable look. Even if it was describable, it would most probably be a shock face. With that, Kenshin knew he said something during that half-conscious meeting with Tomoe.
"Kaoru-dono..."
Kaoru's newly found strength was scarred badly. After consoling herself about her irrelevant pessimism towards Kenshin's feelings, this is what she gets. When she wanted an answer to her wonderments, there wasn't any. But when she was already ready to tell Kenshin the truth about her feelings... torment rushed back into her. Cruel fate.
"Ken... shin..."
"Kaoru-dono... what's wrong...?" Kenshin stepped towards her. But she kept moving backwards, away from him. Away from his concern, his touch. His love.
"Tomoe... san..." Her eyes leaked into tears. Her fair face became wet. Her heart broke into pieces like glass. "He loves her..."
"Ken... shin..."
As she whispered his name, she stood up and ran out of the house. In her mind, all she was thinking was the fact that she didn't want to see him again. Never again. Kenshin rushed out, trailing her.
"KAORU-DONO!!!!!"
Despite his conscience not to tell Tomoe the truth, deep inside him, his heart was screaming - for one person...
"Kaoru-dono... don't leave me... don't go...!"
"KAORU!!!!!!!!"