TERMINUS GENESIS
By Nenya Entwhistle
Part 3
Tertiary
Harry didn't know what to make of Severus. When he thought about how Severus loved him, he was confused. Did Severus love him as himself or did Severus only see him as an intruder in the body of someone he'd once loved? There was still love in those dark eyes, but Harry didn't know if it was really for him or not.
Sometimes, he thought so and other times he drifted back into confusion.
-
The man was brewing again.
Harry understood he was never going to have much talent with Potions no matter how hard he tried. One simply wasn't good at something because they tried. One could get decent at it with enough practice, but some things just required an innate talent. A talent that Harry did not possess with Potions. He made up for that in other disciplines though. He was quite good at Transfiguration, brilliant at Charms, and a Defense against the Dark Arts expert.
Nevertheless, Harry liked watching Severus brew. He liked watching the thin, long, elegant fingers pinching off the right amount of ingredients to add to the potion. Besides, it was a nice break from relearning spell after spell of stuff that he should have already known. It was calm, soothing, relaxing watching Severus at work.
"Are you going to watch me all night?" Severus snapped. "You ought to be sleeping."
"It's only 11."
"Late enough for bed."
It was on the tip of his tongue to say, If you'll join me. But he wasn't ready to start a relationship with Severus yet. He didn't know if he even wanted to. Did he only want Severus because Severus was the only person he saw? That was definitely a part of it, but he didn't know if it was a huge part or not. And then there was the old Harry factor.
He had just started to see himself as Harry, calling himself Harry. He didn't think he was ready to deal with the identity issue he was bound to have if he was to start a relationship with Severus, because that meant dealing with the shadow of himself. He'd have to compete against himself, and was that even possible?
"I'm fine where I am," he remarked with what he knew was a cheeky smile.
"Brat," Severus retorted, but it was said with a casual affection that made Harry's spine tingle.
-
Harry liked to creep in and watch him sleep.
There was a peace on Severus' face that wasn't there when he was awake. It was as if Severus was remembering the nightmares that had haunted him, and Harry wished, almost, that he had his memories back so that he could relate to Severus. But he didn't, and seeing how tortured Severus was sometimes, how Severus would start twisting near daybreak was enough to rid Harry of that wild thought.
"You know," he whispered, "you're beautiful to me."
Of course, Severus was sleeping, so his confession was safe. He still wasn't sure, still wasn't sure if the occasional touches that Severus returned was for him or for the memory of him.
-
When the nightmares would come, Harry knew it was time to leave.
He would have liked to wake Severus up, but then that would let Severus know that he wasn't sleeping when he should have been. It was better for Severus not to know. Severus already complained that he didn't think Harry got enough sleep. Harry snorted, he wasn't a child anymore.
The little that Severus had told him about how he had been before… he had decided to use the erasiere vita spell… was enough to let him know that he didn't even want to see a memory of it. When Severus had offered a few weeks ago, he had said no. No, it was all right, he didn't need to see the pensieve. Severus had said it was a wise choice, but Harry had a feeling that he felt like a bloody coward and Severus thought the same.
Harry huddled on the window sill, something Severus had told him he had used to do. Of course, he didn't remember doing so, but he could guess at why he had. It was soothing, calming to sit and to stare out at the dark night's sky or to see the sun rising again to start another new day. There was a promise, looking out like that, of a new beginning, like the one he'd been given?
But would there be another chance for him and Severus now? He wasn't the same Harry anymore, and as much as he wanted to start a relationship with Severus--- he didn't want Severus to be wanting him to be the Harry that he couldn't be anymore. He knew that Severus said he hadn't changed, but he knew that something had to have changed. He wasn't exactly the same person without his memories.
"You should be sleeping," he heard Severus' hoarse voice. Harry jerked his head, stunned to see Severus there. Had he been loud? Had the door creaked when he'd opened it? Had he inadvertently waken up Severus? He hadn't meant to disturb the older man, not at all.
"I couldn't."
"Why not?"
Harry shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know. I just can't."
"Are you here every night?"
Harry hesitated before nodding. It wasn't like he could lie to Severus; Severus would see right through it. "Yes."
"Harry…" Severus said with a sigh, "you need to get your rest."
"I'm not sick anymore!" Harry exclaimed. "And I'm not a child!"
"That's exactly what a child says," Severus snapped, his eyes narrowing and it almost seemed like his nose enlarged.
Harry leapt off the ledge and stalked over to Severus, mentally noting that he must have picked it up from watching Severus stalk around the room when he was impatient about something and not really noticing him in the room. "I am not a child anymore," Harry stated, reaching up with his hand to caress Severus' sallow cheeks. He hadn't know if he wanted to, but touching Severus as he was now--- he knew he needed it. "Would a child do this?"
He leaned forward, on his tiptoes and kissed the corner of Severus' mouth, drew back and kissed Severus on the lips. Merlin, he didn't know why he'd waited all these months to do this. He had wanted to a few days after he had woken up again. But he hadn't, and look at the time he'd wasted when he could have been kissing Severus.
"Yesss," Harry hissed. Harry nipped at Severus' lips, encouraged the older man to open his mouth, wondering if he was doing a good job or not. Even though he was going on pure instinct, and maybe his body had some visceral memories of previous mouth to mouth sessions--- this was technically his first kiss. "Oh Merlin, yesss."
"I want you," he heard Severus whisper.
His only answer was to kiss Severus back. One thing led to another until he was pushed backwards against the wall and his lips were thoroughly ravished. When he thought that if he didn't get some air, he'd happily suffocate—Severus pulled away.
"We can't do this," Severus murmured hoarsely. "We can't."
Severus stumbled backwards, shaking his head. Harry wanted to ask why, but Severus had already left. Harry curled up into a ball, and wondered what had he done wrong? We can't do this, we can't, he heard Severus' words going over and over again in his head at what had seemed like a perfect first kiss. He didn't understand. Why not?
-
"I'm sorry," Severus told him the next morning. "I'm sorry about last night."
Harry braced himself, not sure if he wanted to hear Severus' explanation. In his head, he had already mulled through the reasons why Severus would have pulled back and said that they couldn't do this. None of the reasons were what he wanted to hear come out of Severus' mouth. Harry bit his lips and hoped, hoped hard that he was wrong.
"I shouldn't have left like that."
Bloody damn right!
"I… I thought I was kissing the old you, and that's wrong… to think that when I was kissing you."
Harry closed his eyes. Fuck! Fuck!
"I still feel something for you, but it's hard for me to know what," Severus murmured. "Everything's changed, and I've wanted to believe that you're the same, but you aren't. And you deserve to be loved for yourself and not what you were once."
"Is it even possible for you to love me again?" Harry asked.
Severus' dark eyes pinned his green ones. "Do you want me to?"
"Yes."
Severus' gaze wavered. "Why?"
"Because…"
Severus raised his eyebrow.
"…I'm falling in love with you again."
Until he'd said, Harry hadn't known exactly what he'd been feeling. But now that he'd said it, he knew it. He was falling in love with the man he'd loved before. Why? Why the bloody hell not? Severus was everything anyone could ask for. No, he wasn't nice. He wasn't good looking. But he was understanding, and he cared. He did things, little things that made things work. And Harry wanted it to work again with him whole instead of whatever broken pieces he'd been before.
"Severus?"
"I didn't think that was possible," Severus said, a ghost smile on his lips. "For you to fall in love with me, but…" he whispered, his eyes darkened as he were seeing something far away into the distance that wasn't there, "now I know."
And the only thing Harry could think of was: At least he knew.
-
It was ironic, Harry thought, that he was the one that was pursuing Severus when it ought to be the other way around. After all, it was Severus that was the one that had been in love with him in the first place, and it was Severus that had gone through this crazy idea for him because of that love. And it was Severus that had been so loving, while Harry had been getting used to the idea of having to start over again.
And yet, Severus was the one that was backing away from starting anything. It was Severus that was saying no, instead of him. Harry didn't want to understand, but he did. He understood that he was different, and that even though he looked like the old Harry it didn't mean he was the old Harry. Maybe his personality wasn't so different, but his lack of experience changed his view of the world and it was that lack that made it difficult to relate sometimes with Severus' nightmares. Harry knew the ideal, but unlike his old self had no experience and could offer only hollow solace.
Harry sighed and resumed wall staring.
-
"Harry," Severus said one day, many days later, "Harry?"
Harry turned away from the wall, a wall he'd gotten quite fond of in his self musings after everything that had gone wrong in trying to get things to go right. He wondered if it was worth his sanity, or peace of mind, or whatever to lose what very well was the love. He tried to smile, but he knew he failed. "Yes, Severus?"
"Stop doing this."
"Doing what?"
"Staring into oblivion," Severus murmured.
Harry shrugged. "There's nothing else to do."
"You have to give me time," Severus stated abruptly. "I gave you time."
"I know." Harry's gaze shifted from the wall to where Severus was standing by the doorway. "I'm giving you time. And so I spend my time wall gazing. Is that so wrong?"
"No, no it's not."
Harry's eyes moved back to the stone, grey wall. "If that's all you have to say, then you can leave."
"Harry… I,…"
"I'll wait," Harry said. "I can wait for this."
Severus gulped. "It's just, I've got to clear things out in my head, between what you were and what you are. I don't--- I don't want to love you and it not be you. It wouldn't be fair for either of us."
Harry knew this. He'd realized this after enough wall reflecting. Severus had issues that he had to get over, issues that Harry had gotten over by his memory erasure. Harry had taken, sometimes, he thought, the easier route and sometimes the harder one. But either way Severus had his issues to deal with, like could he love Harry without Harry being damaged and sharing in painful experience? Harry hoped for this; he wished for this, but he didn't know this.
"I know," Harry said. He smiled faintly. "I give you time you gave me."
Severus' lips echoed Harry's smile. "Thank you."
Harry closed his eyes. "You're welcome, my love."
FINIS.
-
Author's Note: I won't be writing anymore in this universe, I've decided not to do a backstory b/c it's implied enough already. As for how it ends, well Severus needs time to get over his love confusion... does he love this Harry b/c he loved the old Harry and so is merely transferring his love, (which he realizes in the kiss) or does he love this Harry for this Harry (which he ought to?)? He's got his demons to work, much like Harry worked out his demons by erasing his past. Anyway, I'm glad I wrote this. What'd you guys think?