Author: Lab Brat
Fandom: Discworld
Spoilers: Hogfather
Disclaimer: Discworld, Death, Hogfather and Albert all owned by Terry Pratchett.
Notes: Originally started as a drabble for book100 'New Years Resolutions' challenge.. but it grew. I've used caps for death, as thats what TP uses in his book.
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Death was busy. This time of the year often was. He wasn't quite as busy as Bilious the Oh God of Hangovers however. Now that was a job he didn't envy.
Today however was reasonably quiet for Death. Everyone was still in bed nursing sore heads or they were in the bathroom cleaning up the results of too much ale.
Therefore, Death was taking a break to write his resolutions. He couldn't think of many, but those he came up with, he wrote on a sheet of old worn parchment, dipping his quill into a pot of dark murky ink between each one.
RESOLUTION 1: NO MORE HO-HO-HO-ING.
After his stint as Hogfather, he'd decided he needed to add something to his routine for when he reaped people's souls. So he had tried ho-ho-ho-ing with the last few souls he had taken. It worked for the Hogfather after all. However, it had not gone over well. It seemed people weren't expecting him to sound all jolly and happy when their time to pass came. So no more ho-ho-ho-ing. He would leave that to the Hogfather.
RESOLUTION 2: KEEP ALBERT AWAY FROM THE PORK PIES
Death glanced at Albert who busy writing his own resolutions. The man had eaten thousands of pork pies on Hogwatch as they distributed gifts. Consequently Albert had developed an... odour. Something that smelt like pork, but wasn't quite pork. He was farting a lot too. Death wasn't sure which smell was worse. In any case, no more pork pies for Albert.
RESOLUTION 3: STICK TO MY DAY JOB.
Yes. No more playing Hogfather. Ever. If the Hogfather should ever die again that is. Death pondered for a moment and then decided that the same thing went for the Soul Cake Duckman, the Sandman, the Tooth Fairy... (It went double for the Tooth Fairy) and any other Gods that happened to die on his watch.
He sat back and looked at his list. All very good resolutions he thought. He glanced over at Albert again and wondered briefly what his resolutions were. Then he sighed. It was probably better not to ask really.
Fin