Harry Potter and the Unexpected Babies
By moviefreak2004/movieman2400
Version 2.0 - Updated with Content and Brand New Bug-Fixes (kidding)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Harry Potter and the Unexpected Babies is not an entry in the Harry Potter series…though, without a single shred of doubt, it deserves to be! I also don't own any single one of the Harry Potter characters.
NOTE OF INTEREST: Chapter 1 of Harry Potter and the Unexpected Babies was started sometime in April of 2004. The first chapter was actually the easiest one to write, and this is the one where it's the most perverted. After the first couple chapters, the story calmed down a bit and became what I had originally wanted it to be. This chapter was finished in roughly two weeks.
Chapter 1: The Adult Invitation
The letter appeared in the mail several weeks before Hogwarts was set to open. On the envelope were printed three identical letters and two words: XXX,Harry Potter.
Unfortunately for the magical wizard, Dudley had mail duty that morning. As the fat, disgusting, fat, chubby, fat, stupid, fat boy made his way out, he thought about what jolly wonders he would find in the mail today.
He opened the mail box as he stuffed a muffin into his mouth. Good, he thought, everything was here. Maxim for himself, Vogue for his mother Petunia, and Playgirl for his dad, Vernon.
Meanwhile, two floors up, Harry woke up as he heard a loud screeching sound outside.
"Damn it!" Harry screamed as he saw the sight before him. Hedwig, his snowy white owl,was busy screwing the neighbor's owl.
"Hedwig!" Harry chorused once again and grabbed the owl. He shoved it into its cage and took out his long, black wand. "Cattle Prodito!"
A cattle prod appeared out of thin air and bonked Harry on the head. He screamed as the electrical shock raced through his body.
"Oh shite on crackers muther---"
That's when he remembered that millions of kids across the world would be reading the books about him. He had to pretend he was a good-natured, lovable boy. In real life,he was exactly the opposite. Behind the cameras andbehind the words he was a mean, dumb, ignorant, obnoxious, fat, ugly, pitiful drunk. Of course, J.K. Rowling still chose to stalk him and write stories about him. That was when he decided that although wizardry wasn't real, he had to pretend it was to satisfy Rowling. It was a bummer having to hide everything.
And Ron? Ha, Harry laughed. Best friend? Ron had just been a hobo the two had picked off the street to be a character. Harry chuckled. God, those silly hobos would do anything for money.
But back to what was happening. Harry grabbed the cattle prod and began jabbing Hedwig with it.
"Die, you oaf!"
"Harry, breakfast!" Aunt Petunia laughed from downstairs.
Besides the infamous Voldemort, Aunt Petunia hadbeen cast as a minor villain inthe series. But, of course, in real life she was the exact opposite, a loving caring affectionate woman.
Aunt Petunia, real name Polly Testicles, had come onto the set looking to have a great experience. Harry hadexperienced love at first sight, even though she was nearly fifty. He had, of course, underwent another liposuction to look thin. Polly had been surprised and Harry had tricked her into bed. Her husband found out and left her. That had been several weeks ago. Harry remembered clearly how she had slapped him and left. The director was pretty mad at having to hire another person but whatcha' gonna do, Harry thought as he marched down.
The new Aunt Petunia was much younger and thinner. Harry remembered a press conference in which a dedicated fan had bolted out of his seat in astonishment and quickly remarked: "Hey, what happened to the old Petunia?"
Harry had blinked twice, giving the go for the sniper on the balcony above to release a sleeping dart into the man's neck. It had been smooth from then on.
Oh wait, Harry thought. He had to now adapt his good boy persona. Before making his way into the kitchen where J.K. would be looking at him and writing and where he would be filmed, Harry picked up a whiskey bottle he saw on the floor and gave it a chug.
"Hey, dumbass, that's mine!" Ron screamed from behind him.
Harry took out his cattle prod and stabbed Ron. He fell to the floor.
"That settles matters quite nicely," Harry said and went on to the kitchen.
The cameras had a new device that made him look thin. The director had explained to him about it: 'It's so cool. It makes you look from fifty to three hundred pounds lighter. I mean, everybody's using it. Oprah. Rosie O'Donnell. Dr. Phil. All those supermodels.The list goes on and on, my friend."
Harry was glad. If a fan saw the truly fat side of him, the ratings and sales would plummet and Harry would go back to being a prostitute. He remembered that was not a good life.
He sat down and begin reciting his script.
The director slowly began counting, "3...2..."
Harry smiled at the new actress playing Petunia, Jenny Balls, and smiled. He rubbed his tongue around his lips and closed his eyes as if he was in a dream.
"...1...Action!"
"So what's for breakfast, Aunt Petunia?" the fake Harry said.
"Nothing for you! We saved the food for Dudley," she replied.
"Oh that fat bit---. I mean, oh ok."
"And we're going to continue to save it until your owl stops stealing off in the night and doing forbidden acts with the neighbor's owl."
"Damn it. I mean, umm...er...uhh..."
With that, Harry bolted out of the room.
"Bathroom break," he cried.
"Hey, Harry!" a voice came from behind him.
It was Dudley, who's real name was Dick Solid.
"Harry, guess what came from Hermione."
"For the last time, Dick, her name was Hormone. It's spelled Hermione but that's not the way it's pronounced. My god, what have we come to? I mean Hermione's a terrible name. Hormone's much better. When I hear a name like Hermione, my insides just go...Solid, you still listening?"
"Oh yes. Forget about it. Umm, it's an invitation to a strip club."
"Ooh. Hand it over, hand it over, hand it over!"
Harry pushed Dick away and grasped the note.
"Crikeys, this is the most popular joint in town. Damn! It must cost a ton to get into this place."
"Can I come too, Harry?"
"Um no, not really. I don't think you're old enough."
"Oh come on!"
"No really. Remember when I rented Old Men Gone Wild. You ran out on the first minute, you sissy."
"But Harry, give me a chance."
Harry knew that if kept refusing, Dick would keep asking.
"Ok you can come."
"Yes!"
"But don't tell anybody about it. Or we'll both lose our careers."
"By the way, did you ever return Old Men Gone Wild?"
"Nah. Loved it so much, couldn't possibly return it. When I'm depressed, lifts me up. Speaking of lifting up...Fred and George say they've just got a new invention. Mighty fine one. Quite genius, too. It's a lollipopwith several drugs inside. Ha ha ha, Dumbledore will never catch me smokingagain. F and G say they're gonna be there. Let's try it out!"
"Oh boy, I can't wait."
"Dress up, Dick, it's tonight."
Slobbering, Dick/Dudley ran up to his room with his copy of Maxim.
"Boys," Harry snorted. "Never know what's right and what's wrong."
---
Later that night, Harry got his Ferrari out. The broomstick was crap. Goddam thing kept tickling him in between the legs. This was the real deal.
Dick sat alongside him as Harry drove into a parking lot.
"Hey, I don't see the club," Dick said.
"I'm not here for the club."
Harry opened the door, stepped out, and went into the brightly lit store ahead of him. He walked several aisles until he arrived at his destination. Oh yeah. Some Heineken, throw in tequila, and vodka. Whoo, tonight was going to be a good night. Harry picked up something else along the way: a pack of condoms. Who knows, he might need it tonight.
Harry walked up to the clerk, a fat man in his late fifties.
"Hey, ain't you a little too young to buy this kind of alkeehol, son?" he asked.
"Shut your mouth-ito," Harry belched as he waved his wand.
A seal spread across the man's lips.
"Have a good night," Harry said and walked out with the beers.
He opened the tequila and downed part of the bottle. Damn, mighty fine. Harry climbed into the car.
"Harry, you forgot your condoms."
Harry was already drunk, however, and he couldn't make out any word Dick had said.
"Ooh, Hormone, dragons, ooh yeah ohh Vernon. Ohh."
Harry pushed the pedal and the car roared. They traveled for about thirty minutes and then saw the club.
"Let's go!" Dick yelled.
"Hold it," Harry said, checking his pocket to make sure the coke was still there. "Need to make some money tonight. Ok good."
Harry got out and flapped the invitation over.
The tall man at the entrance let them in. Lights and ladies were everywhere.
"Oh boy," Dick yelled. "This only happens in my dreams."
With his mouth held wide open, Dick rushed away. Harry knew, by the happy looks on everybody's faces, it was going to be one hell of a party.
He finished the tequila, threw it behind his back, and wandered further into the large room.