Harry Potter and the Unexpected Babies
By moviefreak2004
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Harry Potter and the Unexpected Baby is not an entry in the Harry Potter series.
Chapter 2: The Private Room
Harry watched in amusement as Dick tried his luck with several ladies --- and guys. He would constantly get behind them and pretend to dance with them. They, of course, would notice, whirl around, and slap him.
After a minute, Dick had returned to Harry and said: "Let's get out of here, Harry."
But Harry wasn't ready to leave. He was going to party and use all night, until he was so high that he couldn't remember a single thing in his life.
Harry lit a joint and wandered into the center of the room, where most of the partying was going on. He immediately noticed Hormone.
"Harry, it's been a while," she said over the music. "You have the drugs?"
"Of course, baby."
She wagged her finger at him and he followed her slobbering. She led him to a door, which she twisted open. But before Harry entered he saw J.K., standing nearby. DAMN IT! Why'd she have to interrupt everything he did?
"Come on, Harry, I'm not waiting."
Harry noticed that J.K. had finally left, walking over to the bar.
"Good. Let's go, Hormone!"
He pushed her further into the room, taking off his shirt as he did so. He kicked the door behind him and it locked as it closed.
Meanwhile, J.K had walked over to the bar, where a fat drunk was sitting.
"Hey, baby."
"Hello," she said. "How do you do?"
"Baby, drinks on me. What do you want?"
"I don't drink. When I tried beer, I thought up of Harry Potter. Dreadful. I want to forget him but at the same time I need my money. Surgery costs an awful lots these days, you see. So, I'm sober."
"Baby, one drink won't hurt you." J.K. looked up at the man and sighed.
"Oh the heck with it, my life's a hellhole."
She downed the drink and began to feel slightly disjointed.
"What is this stuff? Oh my god, you made me take coke!"
Before long, photographers had run into the club, snapping pictures madly.
"DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!"
She screamed, grabbed a shotgun from the bartender, and put it into her mouth.
Inside the private room, Harry heard the shot.
"God, she's shot herself again!"
Hormone was beginning to get mad that her boyfriend couldn't satisfy.
"Harry, ignore her. She shot herself six times already and she survived."
Harry didn't want to let Hormone go but he had no choice. He rushed out of the room and ran to her.
"For god's sake, J!" Harry screamed. "You're a robot made for writing. You can't kill yourself. Did you drink again? By golly, you know what that does to your brain?"
"Harry, I've thought up a brilliant idea for a new book," she said. "It goes like this: You have a twin brother who changes his gender and becomes Mary Potter. And uh---."
"Sounds great, J.K"
"I knew you would say that. It's a great idea, original, brilliant. And it's going to have these two kids and a magical place called Neverland and-- -. Why, it's a brilliant idea, ain't it Barry?"
"It's Harry, J.K."
"See, I'm already forgetting you! Forget you Harry! For me now, it's Mary Potter and the Condom of Secrets. Yeah. And it's all about---"
"We have to get you out of there. You're drunk!"
But before Harry could lift her to her feet, he was whirled around by Hormone.
"Harry, you idiot. You forgot the condoms."
"Damn it, this always happens to me!"
"And you care more about J.K. than you do about me! It's over, Harry. I'm breaking up with you."
Harry grabbed Hormone's hair. It slipped off her head.
Michael Jackson stared into Harry's face.
"Oh no!" he yelled in his girlish voice. His breasts jangling around, Michael shrieked and ran away.
Harry immediately began spitting. He'd been Hormone's boyfriend for nearly three years and now this...
Harry's life was now in ruins, he thought.
Dick was waiting patiently for him at the entrance. They left together and....
"What the hell happened here?" Harry shrieked. It seemed that for the moment the entire world shook.
His Ferrari's windshield was mashed in, beaten by a baseball bat. A note was KrazyGlued to the wheel:
THIS IS FOR BEING A BAD BOYFRIEND
Dick was already in the car. Harry climbed in after him and drove off. Goddamn it, everything was going wrong. How could it possibly get this bad, Harry thought as he sniffed some coke. But he knew that even the most purest of the drug wouldn't help him forget this accident. Boy, girl, or it Harry still loved Hormone and would have agreed to turn back time to save her. He couldn't believe he had turned down sex to save Rowling. From now on, he promised himself, he would NEVER save her again, no matter what kind of crazy or despicable act she thought of. Frick it, he thought, I'm not going to be her main character anymore. Harry Potter, the sweet magical boy, was over. Tomorrow, Harry would terminate his contract and go back to the streets.
Meanwhile, Dick, being the dumb person that he was, accidentally sniffed the coke. He didn't begin to feel high.
"What is this stuff, Harry? Salt? Flour? Sugar?"
"It's supposed to let your brain relax. Seeing that you don't have a brain, it doesn't really do anything for you."
"Oh, I think I get it. So...what is it? Like a mix of two of them?"
Harry sighed and decided to take the long route home. That pretty much involved going the short way home, then going back to the club, and returning home once again. But as Harry was about to execute his plan, something caught his attention. His eyes darted as he noticed a skinny, short girl wandering the street in a skirt. The hell with it, he thought, what did he have to lose? Perfect ending, he thought. News reporters would have a field day:
HARRY POTTER HAS SEX WITH HO!
HARRY POTTER, MAGICAL WIZARD, CATCHES HIV!
NO SPELL TO HELP CURE HIV, SNAPE SHOULD HAVE TOLD POTTER!
HARRY DIES. CAUSE OF DEATH: HIV AND LUNG CANCER, J.K. ROWLING TRIES TO COMMIT SUICIDE AGAIN, FAILS AGAIN, TRIES TO BRING POTTER BACK TO LIFE, FAILS THAT, TRIES DRINKING AGAIN, FAILS THAT, BOOK SALES PLUMMET, END OF ROWLING'S CAREER
Harry's hand slipped into his pocket and he took out a hundred dollar bill.
"Ms. McGonagall, I didn't know you had a second job."
"I need the money, honey. Are we doing this or not?" she replied.
Harry grinned and opened the door. She climbed in and the boy drove away.
By moviefreak2004
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Harry Potter and the Unexpected Baby is not an entry in the Harry Potter series.
Chapter 2: The Private Room
Harry watched in amusement as Dick tried his luck with several ladies --- and guys. He would constantly get behind them and pretend to dance with them. They, of course, would notice, whirl around, and slap him.
After a minute, Dick had returned to Harry and said: "Let's get out of here, Harry."
But Harry wasn't ready to leave. He was going to party and use all night, until he was so high that he couldn't remember a single thing in his life.
Harry lit a joint and wandered into the center of the room, where most of the partying was going on. He immediately noticed Hormone.
"Harry, it's been a while," she said over the music. "You have the drugs?"
"Of course, baby."
She wagged her finger at him and he followed her slobbering. She led him to a door, which she twisted open. But before Harry entered he saw J.K., standing nearby. DAMN IT! Why'd she have to interrupt everything he did?
"Come on, Harry, I'm not waiting."
Harry noticed that J.K. had finally left, walking over to the bar.
"Good. Let's go, Hormone!"
He pushed her further into the room, taking off his shirt as he did so. He kicked the door behind him and it locked as it closed.
Meanwhile, J.K had walked over to the bar, where a fat drunk was sitting.
"Hey, baby."
"Hello," she said. "How do you do?"
"Baby, drinks on me. What do you want?"
"I don't drink. When I tried beer, I thought up of Harry Potter. Dreadful. I want to forget him but at the same time I need my money. Surgery costs an awful lots these days, you see. So, I'm sober."
"Baby, one drink won't hurt you." J.K. looked up at the man and sighed.
"Oh the heck with it, my life's a hellhole."
She downed the drink and began to feel slightly disjointed.
"What is this stuff? Oh my god, you made me take coke!"
Before long, photographers had run into the club, snapping pictures madly.
"DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!"
She screamed, grabbed a shotgun from the bartender, and put it into her mouth.
Inside the private room, Harry heard the shot.
"God, she's shot herself again!"
Hormone was beginning to get mad that her boyfriend couldn't satisfy.
"Harry, ignore her. She shot herself six times already and she survived."
Harry didn't want to let Hormone go but he had no choice. He rushed out of the room and ran to her.
"For god's sake, J!" Harry screamed. "You're a robot made for writing. You can't kill yourself. Did you drink again? By golly, you know what that does to your brain?"
"Harry, I've thought up a brilliant idea for a new book," she said. "It goes like this: You have a twin brother who changes his gender and becomes Mary Potter. And uh---."
"Sounds great, J.K"
"I knew you would say that. It's a great idea, original, brilliant. And it's going to have these two kids and a magical place called Neverland and-- -. Why, it's a brilliant idea, ain't it Barry?"
"It's Harry, J.K."
"See, I'm already forgetting you! Forget you Harry! For me now, it's Mary Potter and the Condom of Secrets. Yeah. And it's all about---"
"We have to get you out of there. You're drunk!"
But before Harry could lift her to her feet, he was whirled around by Hormone.
"Harry, you idiot. You forgot the condoms."
"Damn it, this always happens to me!"
"And you care more about J.K. than you do about me! It's over, Harry. I'm breaking up with you."
Harry grabbed Hormone's hair. It slipped off her head.
Michael Jackson stared into Harry's face.
"Oh no!" he yelled in his girlish voice. His breasts jangling around, Michael shrieked and ran away.
Harry immediately began spitting. He'd been Hormone's boyfriend for nearly three years and now this...
Harry's life was now in ruins, he thought.
Dick was waiting patiently for him at the entrance. They left together and....
"What the hell happened here?" Harry shrieked. It seemed that for the moment the entire world shook.
His Ferrari's windshield was mashed in, beaten by a baseball bat. A note was KrazyGlued to the wheel:
THIS IS FOR BEING A BAD BOYFRIEND
Dick was already in the car. Harry climbed in after him and drove off. Goddamn it, everything was going wrong. How could it possibly get this bad, Harry thought as he sniffed some coke. But he knew that even the most purest of the drug wouldn't help him forget this accident. Boy, girl, or it Harry still loved Hormone and would have agreed to turn back time to save her. He couldn't believe he had turned down sex to save Rowling. From now on, he promised himself, he would NEVER save her again, no matter what kind of crazy or despicable act she thought of. Frick it, he thought, I'm not going to be her main character anymore. Harry Potter, the sweet magical boy, was over. Tomorrow, Harry would terminate his contract and go back to the streets.
Meanwhile, Dick, being the dumb person that he was, accidentally sniffed the coke. He didn't begin to feel high.
"What is this stuff, Harry? Salt? Flour? Sugar?"
"It's supposed to let your brain relax. Seeing that you don't have a brain, it doesn't really do anything for you."
"Oh, I think I get it. So...what is it? Like a mix of two of them?"
Harry sighed and decided to take the long route home. That pretty much involved going the short way home, then going back to the club, and returning home once again. But as Harry was about to execute his plan, something caught his attention. His eyes darted as he noticed a skinny, short girl wandering the street in a skirt. The hell with it, he thought, what did he have to lose? Perfect ending, he thought. News reporters would have a field day:
HARRY POTTER HAS SEX WITH HO!
HARRY POTTER, MAGICAL WIZARD, CATCHES HIV!
NO SPELL TO HELP CURE HIV, SNAPE SHOULD HAVE TOLD POTTER!
HARRY DIES. CAUSE OF DEATH: HIV AND LUNG CANCER, J.K. ROWLING TRIES TO COMMIT SUICIDE AGAIN, FAILS AGAIN, TRIES TO BRING POTTER BACK TO LIFE, FAILS THAT, TRIES DRINKING AGAIN, FAILS THAT, BOOK SALES PLUMMET, END OF ROWLING'S CAREER
Harry's hand slipped into his pocket and he took out a hundred dollar bill.
"Ms. McGonagall, I didn't know you had a second job."
"I need the money, honey. Are we doing this or not?" she replied.
Harry grinned and opened the door. She climbed in and the boy drove away.