Finding Nemo

Disclaimer: I Own nothing except the hope these gorgeous guys will one day be together…sigh

Dedication: this is to all those who were just as frustrated as I at the obvious sexual tension between the boys in the finale

AN: This is my 1st OC fic so be nice. And yes it is slash so if you don't like it DEAL!!!

Summery: Ryan and Seth confront their feelings but is it enough to make Ryan stay? (Set during 'The Ties that Bind'

As the first dance started, all Ryan could think about was what he was doing. What he was giving up. The people he loved…the person he loved. He knew there was no way Seth would ever feel the same, just as he knew there was no way he would ever be able to tell Seth how he felt. He'd loved Seth from day one, even though he hadn't admitted it even to himself till a few months before. He'd never felt that way about anyone.

Then the one thing happened that broke Ryan's heart and finally made him confront his own feelings, Seth started dating both Anna and Summer, on most occasions at the same time. It was on Chrismukkah, his first Chrismukkah, that things became clear. He hung up his stocking next to Seth's and the smile he had received from him was enough to make Ryan swear to himself that he would do anything to make sure Seth stayed happy.

His relationship with Marissa was more an excuse for normality. He hadn't had the easiest life and to finally have the chance of a family, friends and a girlfriend, it was more than he could ever hope for…Then Theresa showed up.

The affair with Theresa was the most confusing thing he had ever been through. Oliver had screwed up whatever chance he had at a normal year and even thought he and Seth had made Amends, in the back of his mind, all he could think about was that when it came down to it, the one person he loved and trusted didn't believe him. So he slipped back into what was familiar. That impulse decision had cost him what little chance he had to be with Seth. He couldn't abandon Theresa or the baby, no matter how much he loved someone else.

As he ran these thoughts over in his mind, Marisa walked over. He stood up to meet her but couldn't find the words so he resorted to the obvious,

"You want to dance?"

He led her to the dance floor and once there Marisa took a shaky breath,

"I just want you to knowI understand why you have to do this."

That makes one of us Ryan thought but aloud all he could mange was 'Thanks.'
"But I wish you didn't have to" She managed through her tears
"me too." The honest truth. Doing what was right was the hardest decision of his life

Marisa looked into his eyes and brought her head down so she could whisper in his ear

"I love you."

Ryan didn't reply, instead he looked over at Seth who was watching from the side. They looked at each other for a moment before Seth turned and walked off. Ryan continued looking at the spot Seth had just been, longing shining in his eyes. Eventually he just tried to find comfort in the arms of the girl who loved him

Summer watched the silent interchange between her two friends. She knew what Ryan was feeling, what it felt like to love Seth Cohen…at least in Ryan's case that love was returned, even if neither side knew it. Summer had known about Ryan's feelings for a while. To her it was obvious; unfortunately Seth wasn't picking up on the vibes.

Summer saw the defeat yet longing in Ryan's expression after Seth left and she felt sorry for him. Making up her mind she left to find him. She found him sitting on a hill looking out over the ocean. He looked up at her as she walked over.

"Hey" she knelt down next to him

"Hey."

"They sent me out ta find you... found you." Seth gave her a smile before reverting back to his former expression, "I figured you'd be stuffing your pockets with cocktail weenies." He forced a smile but Summer saw right through it, "Your still gonna see him, Chino's not that far away."
"I just can't believe he's leaving...he's the first real friend i've ever had....he's the only real friend i've ever had."
"I know....you have me." Summer was trying to comfort him but even she knew there was only one person who could manage that.
"Yeah but that's not the same thing, you don't get it before he got here, I was the biggest loser this place was hell for me ok. And I jus I cant even imagine what it's gonna be like here without him."
"We'll make it through it, I promise."
"Could you tell em that ill be back in a few minutes please."

Summer nodded and stood up,
"Sure."

She was about to walk away when she thought better of it,

"Just tell him. Listen, I know how you feel, it's obvious to everyone here except it seems him. But he's going through the same thing."

"What?"

"Seth," he looked directly at her, he couldn't remember when she had ever used his real name, "I love you…but so does he. If you don't do something about it then you're going to lose him forever."

As she walked away Seth called out to her,

"You know for the record, the boat was named after you."

When she had gone, Seth replayed what she had said. There was no way he could ever tell Ryan how he felt, that would defiantly mean he would lose him forever. If the fact that he was going back to Chino wasn't bad enough, the look of horror and disgust on his best friends face when he found out Seth Cohen loved him would be too much to handle.

He let a few tears fall at the utter hopelessness of it all before he went back to the party.

That evening after he said his goodbyes to Sandy and Kirsten, Ryan went to face the gruelling task of saying goodbye to the final Cohan family member.

When Ryan walked into the room, he found Seth lying on his bed listening to whatever he had to block out the world around him.

"Hey man." Ryan tried a small smile but it just didn't come.
"Hey" Seth was so upset he was surprised he could even form words.

"Uh, gotta jet."
"cool." For the first time Seth looked over at Ryan, "Really gotta go?"
"yeah."

"Well if you need a nanny I'll take the graveyard shift."

Seth was up for any excuse to be near Ryan, even if it meant taking care of his kid. At least he would be able to hold even a small piece of him.

"I think we'll manage."

Ryan knew that if he had Seth in reaching distance at any point then he wouldn't be able to keep his hands off him.

"I was afraid you would say that"

"You can come and visit me." Ryan knew that once he walked out that door, their lives would change forever. He looked at Seth helplessly before producing a piece of paper, "Hey, so I uh, I got you something. It's yours y'know, always good for ideas."

Seth merely glanced at it before putting it aside,

"Map of Tahiti, cool man."

They looked at each other for what seemed like forever, the helplessness in each others eyes was almost unbearable. The silence was broken by the doorbell. Ryan sighed,

"So, I'll see you then."

Seth replaced his headphones,

"See you."

As Ryan walked out the door he paused for a brief moment,

"I'm sorry Seth, I'll always love you."

As he went to close the door behind him he was suddenly wrenched backwards, hard enough for him to trip and land on the floor.

"What the he…"

He didn't have time to finish his sentence before Seth was on top of him, their lips interlocking. The sudden sensation of having his hearts one desire on top of him had Ryan resort to the only thing he could come up with, he pulled Seth closer to him, opened his mouth and lured Seth's questing tongue into an all-out war with his. Eventually the need for air had them pull apart, but didn't stop them from holding each other,

"Well!" Ryan gave a small smile, "That was new."

Seth got a terrified look in his eyes and began to back away. Ryan gave him a look of confusion.

"Seth, what's wrong?"

"Oh God, I shouldn't have done that. I mean I've held it in for so long then Summer came and talked to me and I'm sure now she was really really wrong because you would never love me like that but then I heard you say that you loved me so I took the chance and…"

Ryan cut him off by kissing him. Seth was stunned for a brief moment before moulding himself into Ryan's embrace.

"I love you Seth Cohan, I always have."

"Me too. I mean you. I mean, I love you too."

The boys remained quiet for a moment and in that time they could here Sandy invite Theresa inside. Seth's eyes widened in horror as he realised what was about to happen. Ryan grabbed him again and pleaded into his ear,

"Don't let me go. Please, make me stay."

"I can't." Seth hit himself in the head at what he said but he looked right into Ryan's eyes, mirroring the stream of tears running down his face as he continued, "You have to be with her, I know that now you want to be with me but later you're going to watch your kid grow up and resent me for making you stay."

"I would never, could never resent you."

"Just promise me that you'll remember me."

They kissed one final time before Seth pushed Ryan out the door.

"Man does our timing suck." Seth tried a smile but it was only half hearted.

"If it's a boy, I'm naming it Seth."

"Oh yay, another me. I always say there isn't enough sarcastic humour in the world."

Ryan walked slowly backwards down the hall, never letting Seth out of his sight till he had to go down the stairs. They let a few more mouthed terms of endearment pass between them before Ryan started down the stairs. Seth listed intently as Ryan arrived in the kitchen. When he heard Kirsten say goodbye for a final time he knew he couldn't take anymore. He rushed back to his room and slammed the door.

Downstairs Ryan flinched at the bang Seth's door made. He closed his eyes briefly, silently pleading with Seth to make him stay. He knew that he wouldn't just as he knew that he was making the right decision, he couldn't leave his child. He sighed and nodded his goodbyes once more to Sandy and he headed for the door.

Seth watched from his window as Ryan and Theresa headed off. He knew that Ryan would make a great dad; the kid would have the love of the greatest person alive. Seth looked around his room, as he did he spotted the map of Tahiti on his bedside table. In an instant he knew that there was no way he was staying in Newport without Ryan.

He grabbed a bag, and packed only what he would really need. He snuck downstairs and grabbed some food and water, just enough to get him to the next port. Sandy and Kirsten were nowhere in sight. Once back upstairs he finished packing and sat down at his desk, two fresh pieces of paper in front of him. He looked at the two photos on his desk, one of Chrismukkah, Ryan's first Chrismukkah, and one that was taken only a month or so before. It was a picture of him and Summer on the pier. Looking at both pictures he began to write.

Theresa and Ryan made it to the outskirts of Newport before Theresa pulled over.

"What are you doing?"

Theresa sighed but stayed quiet for a few moments before answering

"Ryan, I'm not going any further until you tell me that you really want to be doing this."

"What, of course I do."

"Ryan, please don't lie. I've had enough of people lying to me over the years. I can see it in your eyes."

"Theresa, I'm not going to abandon you."

"Ryan forget me. All your life you've always thought of everyone else and never of yourself. For once, please be selfish. Back there you have a family, one that loves you and you have people to love in return. Honestly I'm not quite sure who, you guys have the lives of a daytime soap but I know that you're leaving behind your home."

Ryan didn't answer but that was all Theresa needed. She swung the car around and headed back into Newport. Twenty minutes later they pulled up outside the Cohan's house.

"Theresa I…"

"Get gone Atwood."

"Are you going to be alright?"

"I'll be fine. And anyway, I do have Eddie. He loves me and I do love him. The baby will grow up with a supportive father."

"If you need anything."

"I know. Now get out of here, and I never want to see you in Chino again unless I say so got it? This is your home, make it work."

"I will, promise."

Ryan kissed Theresa's forehead and got out of the car. He put his head back inside and smiled.

"Just for the record, it's Seth."

"See, a daytime soap."

They nodded goodbye and Ryan watched her go before bolting back inside the house, he had been gone for nearly forty minutes, just enough time to know he never wanted to be away from Seth for that long again.

As he passed the living room he saw Sandy and Kirsten on the couch. He stopped to tell them he was back for good but the looks on their faces had him coming up short.

"Okay, those faces can't just be coz I'm gone."

"Oh Ryan, you came back."

Kirsten enveloped him in a huge hug.

"I came back, and I'm staying."

"OH thank God, we didn't lose both of you."

"It's okay Kirsten, I won't leave agai…both? Where's Seth?"

He backed up and bolted up the stairs screaming Seth's name. When he reached his room he charged inside. It was empty. He looked around and noticed a few things missing, most importantly, the map to Tahiti and His compass. Sandy and Kirsten entered a few minutes later.

"We found this about ten minutes ago."

Sandy handed Ryan a note,

"There was one to us and one to Summer. I'm sorry there wasn't one for you."

"He had no need to write me one."

Ryan opened the letter and read it,

'Dear Mum and Dad,

By the time you find this I won't be here. It's always been my dream to sail to Tahiti. I know I probably won't make it but I need to get out of here. I would have gone last Summer but a wonderful thing happened, dad you brought home a kid from Chino

This year has been quite interesting but through it all I had him to get me through. He's gone. I can't stay here and pretend he's only gone for a short time. I need to find a place that won't remind me of him.

I love you both so much and I know that everyone will probably think this is selfish of me and maybe it is but I can't take it any longer.

I promise to keep in contact with you so that you know I'm safe. Give the note to Summer, it'll mean something to her that I even wrote one.

I'm not sure when I'll be back. I can't stay in a place that's missing the one thing I love.

Thankyou for everything, you're the best parents a kid could ask for.

Love Seth'

"Ryan?"

Ryan let the letter float to the floor before looking up at the people he had come to know as parents.

"Ryan, why did you come back?"

Sandy was very interested in his abrupt return; Kirsten on the other hand was just plain relieved.

"I can't stay in a place that's missing the one thing I love."

With that, Ryan ran out of the house. He grabbed his bike and headed towards the marina.

When he arrived, Ryan saw Seth push off. Ryan ran as fast as he could but when he got there Seth was already turning to head out.

"SETH!" Ryan shouted as loud as he could. When Seth didn't turn around he tried again, "SETH! SETH!" finally Seth looked back and saw Ryan standing on the pier. He stood open mouthed as Ryan dived into the water. Within minutes He was helping Ryan aboard.

"Ryan man what are you doing?"

"I was Nemo, and I just wanted to go home" Seth smiled and claimed Ryan's mouth with his.

"What about Theresa?"

"She was the one who bought me back. She told me to be selfish and have what I want. I want you Seth Cohan."

Ryan looked at Seth hopefully and grinned,

"That is if you want me?"

Seth jumped on him so hard they both ended up in the water. Ryan grabbed Seth and pulled him to him. Seth grabbed Ryan's shirt and pulled it off him so he could get access to his chest. Ryan pulled Seths shirt off him and was about to go for his shorts when he remembered the boat.

"Um Seth, how much do you love your boat?"

"AHHH!!!!!!"

The pair of them made for the boat at full speed. Ryan hit it first and pulled Seth aboard. The pair of them lay on the deck laughing and gasping for air. Eventually Ryan stopped laughing long enough to roll over and lay on top of Seth.

"Before we go any further, need I remind you of a pair of parents currently going out of their minds with worry."

"Ugh," Seth groaned, "I'm going to be like so grounded."

"Maybe we could head back now and they'll let you off."

"I don't want to. Can't we just stay here like this? You know, you on top of me, while I do this…"

Seth began to rub his hands all over Ryan's back while kissing his neck. Ryan groaned and while he was extremely tempted to let things continue he knew he couldn't leave Kirsten and Sandy wondering.

"Come on, we'll go and give them some piece of mind. You can write Summer a different version of that note and you and I can disappear for the rest of the summer. How's that sound?"

"Three months of nothing but you…can I bring the playstation?"

"Whatever your heart desires."

Seth kissed him one final time and together they headed back to Newport.

AN: Alright guys, what did you think? Should I do the next 3 months or should I shut up? Completely up to you.

MWAH xoxoxoxox