Harry Potter and the Unexpected Babies
By moviefreak2004/movieman2400
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Harry Potter and the Unexpected Baby is not an entry in the Harry Potter series.
Chapter 4: Baby Counseling
McGonagall and Hormone had signed Harry up for a fathering class. In the two weeks between the baby announcement and the class, Harry had tried to overdose twice and ended up failing both of the times.
Dick refused to talk to Harry. Vernon simply sat on the porch smoking a pipe. And Petunia...well, she left Vernon for another man. The house was silent during both day and night. Harry missed his old life. Why had he forgotten the stupid condoms? Ugh, he was so stupid.
Harry decided to call Ron, his old midget friend. Ron had two brothers, Fred and George, a sister, Ginny (named after her Ron's mother's alcoholic ways), and...a couple other brothers. Ron's dad worked for the Ministry of Maxi Pads; he was a product tester. And Ron's mom...just a stay-at-home mom.
Ron was drunk when Harry called him.
"Hey ya, Harry!" he cried into the phone. "School starts in two weeks."
"Yeah. Look, Ron, I have to talk to you."
"Get a second. Jeez, get off me, George! Not during the day!"
Harry decided that now was probably not the best time to speak to Ron so he put the phone down. Only ten minutes before Harry had to leave for the counseling class. Oh no, Hormone had already arrived.
Harry walked out of the house and sat in Hormone's pickup.
"Hello, Hormone, it's been a while."
"Indeed it has, Harry. The baby's coming along quite fine. And I called McGonagall yesterday, she said she was doing just as well."
"Damn it!"
Hormone laughed.
"I've heard a lot of praise about this class. Some of the best experts in the field of Wizard Babies," Hormone said as they rolled into the parking lot of the studio.
"Wait, this is going to be shown on TV?" Harry said as his jaw dropped.
"Yes, it is. After all, everybody needs to know what you did."
Harry and Hormone climbed out of the car and walked into the studio. Harry was surprised to see Ron there, holding Fred's hand.
"Fred, it was an accident. Trust me!"
"Like I'm going to believe you, Ron. How many times do I have to tell you? If it doesn't fit inside the condom, then the sex is cancelled."
"Oh, Harry!" Ron cried and ran up to Harry. "Hormone, eh? You lucky bastard."
Harry smiled.
"Now is not the time," he said between his teeth.
Suddenly, the door behind Harry flew open, sending Harry flying across the room. Harry's longtime rival, Draco Malfoy, walked in with Professor Snape, Harry's Potions teacher, closely behind him.
"Ah, Harry Potter. Pregnant with who this time?" Snape asked as a malicious grin appeared on his face.
Harry sneered at Snape and turned around.
"Ignore them, Hormone."
The couples (Harry & Hormone, Ron & Fred, Snape & Draco, as well as several others) walked into a room. There were chairs lined in a circle.
"Welcome," a booming voice said from the other side of the room. An old man, with a white beard, turned around. "My name is Sir Palmer. Today, we shall discuss your current problems, and what decisions you will be making in the future. Now to begin, I want all of you to list every single felony you have ever committed."
Snape glared at Palmer. "Giving Draco an A instead of an A."
Draco simply said, "No felonies at all. I'm a good boy, aren't I?"
Fred: "Not much, just a couple inappropriate pranks. Not much."
Ron: "Screwing Ginny without my parent's permission. I mean, I tried to control myself but...I just couldn't."
Hormone: "Not much. I was drunk once or twice in my life."
Harry looked around and saw that all eyes were on him.
"Well," Harry coughed. "Here goes. Thirteen pregnancies, high...uhh...too many times to count...speeding almost every day since I turned thirteen, uh running over Vernon with a car...accidentally on purpose..."
3 Hours Later
"...and driving under the influence."
By this time, most of the people in the room had fallen asleep and those who hadn't were holding shotguns to their heads.
Hormone groaned.
"I think it'd be best to call it a day," Mr. Palmer said.
As Harry, McGonagall, and Hormone walked out the building, Harry said, "Well, that wasn't so hard, was it?"
McGonagall and Hormone walked away.
When Harry returned home, Vernon and Dick were sleeping on the couch...in each other's arms. Harry sighed and went to his room. Suddenly, without any warning, Hedwig fluttered in, dropping a envelope into Harry's arms.
"Hedwig," Harry cried. "Where have you been?"
Hedwig shook its shoulders, dropped a condom from its claws into Harry's trash can, and flew away.
Harry looked at the golden envelope. On the front it said, HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY.
"Ahh, yearly supplies."
Harry opened the letter and read the Headmaster, Albus Dumbasawhore's (whoopsie, Harry remembered it was Dumbledore) letter.
To All Returning Students and All New Students,
Last year, on the last day of school, I happened to realize just how poor I was. What I'm trying to say is, we're trying to save money on supplies and the school so all the money can go to me and my wife, so we can buy ourselves some toys --- whoops, off topic, eh? Well, anyway, we've stopped cooking all the good food and now we're taking our food from McDonalds. Also, we have sold all of our beds and brought lower quality ones. So what if it doesn't have a mattress? You should be thankful that you at least have something to sleep on. We've also given teachers more than one job. So now, Hagrid will be teaching two classes. Well, I'm tired of writing since I need to get back to my wife (she's waiting for me!) but just buy whatever you want. Have a great year (hah, yeah right like that'll happen) and good luck with life (I'm just writing this, I don't really mean it).
Sincerely,
Albus Dumbledore
Harry sighed and fell onto his bed. He first had to figure out how to deal with the baby problem. Then, he would prepare for Hogwarts. Harry turned on some heavy metal and fell asleep under the soothing sound.
By moviefreak2004/movieman2400
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Harry Potter and the Unexpected Baby is not an entry in the Harry Potter series.
Chapter 4: Baby Counseling
McGonagall and Hormone had signed Harry up for a fathering class. In the two weeks between the baby announcement and the class, Harry had tried to overdose twice and ended up failing both of the times.
Dick refused to talk to Harry. Vernon simply sat on the porch smoking a pipe. And Petunia...well, she left Vernon for another man. The house was silent during both day and night. Harry missed his old life. Why had he forgotten the stupid condoms? Ugh, he was so stupid.
Harry decided to call Ron, his old midget friend. Ron had two brothers, Fred and George, a sister, Ginny (named after her Ron's mother's alcoholic ways), and...a couple other brothers. Ron's dad worked for the Ministry of Maxi Pads; he was a product tester. And Ron's mom...just a stay-at-home mom.
Ron was drunk when Harry called him.
"Hey ya, Harry!" he cried into the phone. "School starts in two weeks."
"Yeah. Look, Ron, I have to talk to you."
"Get a second. Jeez, get off me, George! Not during the day!"
Harry decided that now was probably not the best time to speak to Ron so he put the phone down. Only ten minutes before Harry had to leave for the counseling class. Oh no, Hormone had already arrived.
Harry walked out of the house and sat in Hormone's pickup.
"Hello, Hormone, it's been a while."
"Indeed it has, Harry. The baby's coming along quite fine. And I called McGonagall yesterday, she said she was doing just as well."
"Damn it!"
Hormone laughed.
"I've heard a lot of praise about this class. Some of the best experts in the field of Wizard Babies," Hormone said as they rolled into the parking lot of the studio.
"Wait, this is going to be shown on TV?" Harry said as his jaw dropped.
"Yes, it is. After all, everybody needs to know what you did."
Harry and Hormone climbed out of the car and walked into the studio. Harry was surprised to see Ron there, holding Fred's hand.
"Fred, it was an accident. Trust me!"
"Like I'm going to believe you, Ron. How many times do I have to tell you? If it doesn't fit inside the condom, then the sex is cancelled."
"Oh, Harry!" Ron cried and ran up to Harry. "Hormone, eh? You lucky bastard."
Harry smiled.
"Now is not the time," he said between his teeth.
Suddenly, the door behind Harry flew open, sending Harry flying across the room. Harry's longtime rival, Draco Malfoy, walked in with Professor Snape, Harry's Potions teacher, closely behind him.
"Ah, Harry Potter. Pregnant with who this time?" Snape asked as a malicious grin appeared on his face.
Harry sneered at Snape and turned around.
"Ignore them, Hormone."
The couples (Harry & Hormone, Ron & Fred, Snape & Draco, as well as several others) walked into a room. There were chairs lined in a circle.
"Welcome," a booming voice said from the other side of the room. An old man, with a white beard, turned around. "My name is Sir Palmer. Today, we shall discuss your current problems, and what decisions you will be making in the future. Now to begin, I want all of you to list every single felony you have ever committed."
Snape glared at Palmer. "Giving Draco an A instead of an A."
Draco simply said, "No felonies at all. I'm a good boy, aren't I?"
Fred: "Not much, just a couple inappropriate pranks. Not much."
Ron: "Screwing Ginny without my parent's permission. I mean, I tried to control myself but...I just couldn't."
Hormone: "Not much. I was drunk once or twice in my life."
Harry looked around and saw that all eyes were on him.
"Well," Harry coughed. "Here goes. Thirteen pregnancies, high...uhh...too many times to count...speeding almost every day since I turned thirteen, uh running over Vernon with a car...accidentally on purpose..."
3 Hours Later
"...and driving under the influence."
By this time, most of the people in the room had fallen asleep and those who hadn't were holding shotguns to their heads.
Hormone groaned.
"I think it'd be best to call it a day," Mr. Palmer said.
As Harry, McGonagall, and Hormone walked out the building, Harry said, "Well, that wasn't so hard, was it?"
McGonagall and Hormone walked away.
When Harry returned home, Vernon and Dick were sleeping on the couch...in each other's arms. Harry sighed and went to his room. Suddenly, without any warning, Hedwig fluttered in, dropping a envelope into Harry's arms.
"Hedwig," Harry cried. "Where have you been?"
Hedwig shook its shoulders, dropped a condom from its claws into Harry's trash can, and flew away.
Harry looked at the golden envelope. On the front it said, HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY.
"Ahh, yearly supplies."
Harry opened the letter and read the Headmaster, Albus Dumbasawhore's (whoopsie, Harry remembered it was Dumbledore) letter.
To All Returning Students and All New Students,
Last year, on the last day of school, I happened to realize just how poor I was. What I'm trying to say is, we're trying to save money on supplies and the school so all the money can go to me and my wife, so we can buy ourselves some toys --- whoops, off topic, eh? Well, anyway, we've stopped cooking all the good food and now we're taking our food from McDonalds. Also, we have sold all of our beds and brought lower quality ones. So what if it doesn't have a mattress? You should be thankful that you at least have something to sleep on. We've also given teachers more than one job. So now, Hagrid will be teaching two classes. Well, I'm tired of writing since I need to get back to my wife (she's waiting for me!) but just buy whatever you want. Have a great year (hah, yeah right like that'll happen) and good luck with life (I'm just writing this, I don't really mean it).
Sincerely,
Albus Dumbledore
Harry sighed and fell onto his bed. He first had to figure out how to deal with the baby problem. Then, he would prepare for Hogwarts. Harry turned on some heavy metal and fell asleep under the soothing sound.