Harry Potter and the Unexpected Babies
By moviefreak2004/movieman2400
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Harry Potter and the Unexpected Baby is not an entry in the Harry Potter series. Though I really wouldn't mind if it was...
Chapter 5: Shopping with Hagrid
Hagrid's shack was pretty small for the big giant (who was, may I add, VERY big) but unfortunately, it was the only one he could afford. After all, being a McDonalds floor cleaner didn't earn you that much money.
Hagrid usually hung around Harry because...well, because Hagrid had never had a chance to earn any friends. He took up all the space in 1st grade and was constantly yelled at both kids and their parents for being fat. Finally, he decided to be home schooled.
However, his mom had no idea what home schooling was so she had just left Hagrid home alone for several decades. He had grown up and he was still as dumb (and fat) as he had been in 1st grade.
Hagrid met Dumbledore at a party (he was hired to clean toilets for forty cents an hour after a co-worker at McDonalds had recommended him for the job). Before long, Dumbledore called Hagrid and offered him a job at Hogwarts that would require no work at all: being a stupid, tall, and fat giant. Hagrid had agreed with no hesitation.
On Saturday, two weeks before Hogwarts was to begin, he took a plane (he was too fat to fit in a car) to Harry's house. Harry was pleasantly surprised to see his giant oaf friend with him again.
Hagrid sat down at the kitchen table as Harry took two beers out of the refrigerator.
"So Hagrid what's been up?"
"Not much, Harry. I heard about your incident and I rushed over here. During these hard times, you need support. You need as much companions as you can get."
"You know it's not hard. I have money to get the best lawyers in this country and win this case."
"Shut up! Alright, alright, I admit it. I was bored in my shack so I came over here to visit you. How you been doing, Harry?"
"Eh, going through some hard times right now. Thank god I have a companion like you around."
"Really? I didn't think it would be so hard. I mean you have the money to hire the best lawyers in the country. Wait, we're repeating ourselves, aren't we? When are you going shopping, Mr. Potter?"
"Actually, I was planning to go today."
"Why, that's great. I have to pick up my order of drugs from Matilda's Magical Feelings shop."
"I'll go get my Magical Transportation Dust."
Harry rushed out of the room and returned several seconds later. He sprinkled some into Hagrid's hands and placed the bag on the counter to watch as Hagrid disappeared.
Within a moment, Hagrid was no more. Harry stood in his place and closed his eyes. He reached for the counter. Oh yeah, by the way, there was also a cocaine baggie on the counter.
The young wizard took a bag, unzipped it, took some of the mixture, and sprinkled it into his mouth. He had taken cocaine instead of Magical Transportation Dust.
The wizard, who had been clean for almost two hours, felt a wave going through him.
He looked at his hands.
"Oh no!" he cried.
---
When the high had gone, Harry took the magic dust and teleported to Dildogon Alley. He wasn't surprised to see Hagrid eating.
"Harry, took you a long while. Gee, Harry, looks like you've gained a few pound since I saw you last time. Maybe you should lose a few pounds."
"Gee, Hagrid, have you looked at yourself lately?"
"Of course I have. What lady wouldn't want a piece of this fine, smooth booty?"
Hagrid grabbed his fat stomach and started waving it around.
"Come on, what girl wouldn't want to get with this?" Hagrid asked.
"Alright, hit on that girl right there," Harry said and pointed.
It was a pretty girl, Harry decided. This would be fun.
"Well, go on," Harry said and pushed Hagrid.
"Alright," Hagrid said as he walked over to her.
Hagrid started looking intently at her.
"Hello. Can I help you?" she asked in a beautiful voice.
"Yeah, baby." Hagrid said. "You want to get with this?"
Hagrid waved his stomach around in her face.
---
An Hour Later:
"We need all the doctors we can get," Dr. Testagina cried. "She's in shock! Cause: She saw a fat man, cancel that, very fat man, shake his rump in front of her. Oh, poor thing. She's so young."
The doctors moved the stretcher at lightning speed across the hospital. A nurse jumped in front of Dr. Testagina.
"Doctor," she yelled at the top of her lungs. "Your wife called. She says your son is having a seizure."
"Tell her to wait a couple hours. This is more important."
As Dr. Testagina raced away, the nurse turned back to the phone.
"Uh, he says he's busy working on another woman."
"What!!?? That's it. I'm coming over there."
Ms. Testagina grabbed her bags and the nurse heard the quick shuffle of feet as the doctor's wife left the house.
Meanwhile, in the operating room, several doctors were crowding around the shocked woman.
"Oh, such a poor thing. I can't even imagine what she went through. Oh God," a nurse said as tears started pouring in rivers from her eyes.
"Alright, so what do we do?" Dr. Testagina asked. "I got it! Seeing such a disgusting image probably knocked all the breath out of her. We're going to have to give her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation."
A nurse leaned over to begin the treatment and the doctor held her back.
"Please, no woman on woman in this hospital. I'll do it."
The doctor began the process. Suddenly, Ms. Testagina walked in.
"Oh my God, Bill!" she yelled.
"Come on, honey, breathe. YOU CAN DO IT!" Dr. Testagina yelled in the patient's face.
He turned to face his wife.
"Jill! This isn't what you think!"
"Yeah right it isn't! I want a divorce!" Jill yelled.
Jill ran out of the room. She looked behind her to make sure she wasn't being followed by her husband. She wasn't looking; that was how she ran into Hagrid. She ran into him with full force. Within a second, she was dead.
At the funeral several weeks later, people placed fresh flowers in her coffin. It wasn't any good, though. She still had some of Hagrid's sweat on her. When the flowers were placed, they immediately grayed and died.
---
After the entire mess, Harry decided to treat Hagrid to a bowl of ice cream.
"Hmm!" Hagrid rubbed his chin as he looked at the choices. "Low-fat, medium-fat, or high-fat? I'll take high-fat."
"Any toppings, sir?" the short guy behind the counter said.
"More fat if possible."
"Alright."
"Anything for you?" the guy asked Harry.
"Oh no, I'm anorex---. I mean I'm not hungry."
After shopping and a delightful lunch of ice cream, Harry and Hagrid returned to Harry's house.
"Oh no!" Harry exclaimed as he looked at the clock. "Two days have passed!"
Hogwarts was set to start in less than a week and a half. Harry had to stop partying and enjoying himself and needed to figure out how to get himself out of the whole baby mess.
The wizard (ha, yeah right) sat down with the fat giant and together they began planning out Harry's plan.
By moviefreak2004/movieman2400
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Harry Potter and the Unexpected Baby is not an entry in the Harry Potter series. Though I really wouldn't mind if it was...
Chapter 5: Shopping with Hagrid
Hagrid's shack was pretty small for the big giant (who was, may I add, VERY big) but unfortunately, it was the only one he could afford. After all, being a McDonalds floor cleaner didn't earn you that much money.
Hagrid usually hung around Harry because...well, because Hagrid had never had a chance to earn any friends. He took up all the space in 1st grade and was constantly yelled at both kids and their parents for being fat. Finally, he decided to be home schooled.
However, his mom had no idea what home schooling was so she had just left Hagrid home alone for several decades. He had grown up and he was still as dumb (and fat) as he had been in 1st grade.
Hagrid met Dumbledore at a party (he was hired to clean toilets for forty cents an hour after a co-worker at McDonalds had recommended him for the job). Before long, Dumbledore called Hagrid and offered him a job at Hogwarts that would require no work at all: being a stupid, tall, and fat giant. Hagrid had agreed with no hesitation.
On Saturday, two weeks before Hogwarts was to begin, he took a plane (he was too fat to fit in a car) to Harry's house. Harry was pleasantly surprised to see his giant oaf friend with him again.
Hagrid sat down at the kitchen table as Harry took two beers out of the refrigerator.
"So Hagrid what's been up?"
"Not much, Harry. I heard about your incident and I rushed over here. During these hard times, you need support. You need as much companions as you can get."
"You know it's not hard. I have money to get the best lawyers in this country and win this case."
"Shut up! Alright, alright, I admit it. I was bored in my shack so I came over here to visit you. How you been doing, Harry?"
"Eh, going through some hard times right now. Thank god I have a companion like you around."
"Really? I didn't think it would be so hard. I mean you have the money to hire the best lawyers in the country. Wait, we're repeating ourselves, aren't we? When are you going shopping, Mr. Potter?"
"Actually, I was planning to go today."
"Why, that's great. I have to pick up my order of drugs from Matilda's Magical Feelings shop."
"I'll go get my Magical Transportation Dust."
Harry rushed out of the room and returned several seconds later. He sprinkled some into Hagrid's hands and placed the bag on the counter to watch as Hagrid disappeared.
Within a moment, Hagrid was no more. Harry stood in his place and closed his eyes. He reached for the counter. Oh yeah, by the way, there was also a cocaine baggie on the counter.
The young wizard took a bag, unzipped it, took some of the mixture, and sprinkled it into his mouth. He had taken cocaine instead of Magical Transportation Dust.
The wizard, who had been clean for almost two hours, felt a wave going through him.
He looked at his hands.
"Oh no!" he cried.
---
When the high had gone, Harry took the magic dust and teleported to Dildogon Alley. He wasn't surprised to see Hagrid eating.
"Harry, took you a long while. Gee, Harry, looks like you've gained a few pound since I saw you last time. Maybe you should lose a few pounds."
"Gee, Hagrid, have you looked at yourself lately?"
"Of course I have. What lady wouldn't want a piece of this fine, smooth booty?"
Hagrid grabbed his fat stomach and started waving it around.
"Come on, what girl wouldn't want to get with this?" Hagrid asked.
"Alright, hit on that girl right there," Harry said and pointed.
It was a pretty girl, Harry decided. This would be fun.
"Well, go on," Harry said and pushed Hagrid.
"Alright," Hagrid said as he walked over to her.
Hagrid started looking intently at her.
"Hello. Can I help you?" she asked in a beautiful voice.
"Yeah, baby." Hagrid said. "You want to get with this?"
Hagrid waved his stomach around in her face.
---
An Hour Later:
"We need all the doctors we can get," Dr. Testagina cried. "She's in shock! Cause: She saw a fat man, cancel that, very fat man, shake his rump in front of her. Oh, poor thing. She's so young."
The doctors moved the stretcher at lightning speed across the hospital. A nurse jumped in front of Dr. Testagina.
"Doctor," she yelled at the top of her lungs. "Your wife called. She says your son is having a seizure."
"Tell her to wait a couple hours. This is more important."
As Dr. Testagina raced away, the nurse turned back to the phone.
"Uh, he says he's busy working on another woman."
"What!!?? That's it. I'm coming over there."
Ms. Testagina grabbed her bags and the nurse heard the quick shuffle of feet as the doctor's wife left the house.
Meanwhile, in the operating room, several doctors were crowding around the shocked woman.
"Oh, such a poor thing. I can't even imagine what she went through. Oh God," a nurse said as tears started pouring in rivers from her eyes.
"Alright, so what do we do?" Dr. Testagina asked. "I got it! Seeing such a disgusting image probably knocked all the breath out of her. We're going to have to give her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation."
A nurse leaned over to begin the treatment and the doctor held her back.
"Please, no woman on woman in this hospital. I'll do it."
The doctor began the process. Suddenly, Ms. Testagina walked in.
"Oh my God, Bill!" she yelled.
"Come on, honey, breathe. YOU CAN DO IT!" Dr. Testagina yelled in the patient's face.
He turned to face his wife.
"Jill! This isn't what you think!"
"Yeah right it isn't! I want a divorce!" Jill yelled.
Jill ran out of the room. She looked behind her to make sure she wasn't being followed by her husband. She wasn't looking; that was how she ran into Hagrid. She ran into him with full force. Within a second, she was dead.
At the funeral several weeks later, people placed fresh flowers in her coffin. It wasn't any good, though. She still had some of Hagrid's sweat on her. When the flowers were placed, they immediately grayed and died.
---
After the entire mess, Harry decided to treat Hagrid to a bowl of ice cream.
"Hmm!" Hagrid rubbed his chin as he looked at the choices. "Low-fat, medium-fat, or high-fat? I'll take high-fat."
"Any toppings, sir?" the short guy behind the counter said.
"More fat if possible."
"Alright."
"Anything for you?" the guy asked Harry.
"Oh no, I'm anorex---. I mean I'm not hungry."
After shopping and a delightful lunch of ice cream, Harry and Hagrid returned to Harry's house.
"Oh no!" Harry exclaimed as he looked at the clock. "Two days have passed!"
Hogwarts was set to start in less than a week and a half. Harry had to stop partying and enjoying himself and needed to figure out how to get himself out of the whole baby mess.
The wizard (ha, yeah right) sat down with the fat giant and together they began planning out Harry's plan.