Harry Potter and the Unexpected Babies
By moviefreak2004/movieman2400
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Harry Potter and the Unexpected Baby is not an entry in the Harry Potter series. Though I really wouldn't mind if it was...
Chapter 6: Arrival at Hogwarts
Hagrid's motorcycle pulled up to Harry's house and Hagrid stepped off. The giant, within a second, cast a spell on it. The lights on the bike flickered and then it turned around and rolled on. Hagrid and Harry had tried multiple times and failed; it seemed the motorcycle was not big enough to fit both of them despite the fact that it was built for three people. Minutes later, Harry arrived with the bike and the two walked to the front door.
"Now Harry, this is a very serious matter. Please, don't get distracted. I want you to sit down and think about what you're going to do with the baby situation." Hagrid warned.
"Don't worry, Hagrid. I'll try my best. Oh God, the swimsuit's issue arrived! This is the happiest moment of my life. I'll be out in two hours."
"Harry! You promised to not get distracted."
"Hagrid, seriously. I mean, come on. What's more important? The fact that I'm about to become a father and am about to learn the true meaning of family or my personal sexual desires?"
"Well, to tell you the truth, it's the fam---"
"Sexual desires, exactly!"
Before Hagrid could utter a single word, Harry was already bolting up the stairs.
- - -
A Week And A Half Later
- - -
Harry marched down the stairs.
"Great issue, Hagrid," he said. "Hagrid?"
The oaf was cooking in the kitchen.
"Well, have you thought out your plan, Harry?"
"What plan? How to get one of those swimsuit beauties to be mine?"
"The pregnancy plan?"
"Who's pregnant?"
"Harry, you forgot everything! You've been looking at that issue nonstop for the last week and a half."
"Well...oh Christ! Hogwarts starts today! Ahh, Hagrid!" Harry bellowed as he grasped for a cigar. "What the hell am I supposed to do?"
"Harry, everything comes naturally. Perhaps you'll think of something later," Hagrid replied. "We have to be at the train station in an hour. Come on, Harry."
"But I don't want to go to Hogwarts. Hagrid, the truth is, I don't really know how to be a father."
Since arriving from the Alley, Hagrid had simply sat at the kitchen table .
"Ahh, Harry, that's nonsense. Everybody's worried when they're about to become one. But soon they learn and it becomes quite easy."
"Hagrid..."
"Harry, you'll solve the problem. I know you will."
- - -
Harry looked out the window of the train at the dark hills as Ron entered the cabin.
"Harry!" he cried. "Jolly good mate."
"Hey Ron."
"Come on. Let's go sneak in the bathroom and snort some stuff."
"I really can't, Ron. I'm worried a bit."
Ron stared surprisingly at his good mate. Harry had never refused to take drugs.
"Oh, can I guess what the problem is?" Ron asked.
"I guess."
"Alright...hmm. Cable company took the Playboy channel off the plan."
"That was sad but no, that's not it."
"Jerry Springer's airing reruns?"
"Nah."
"Oh. I know. Still worried about the baby problem?"
"Ron, I just don't know how to be a father. Everything used to be so peaceful. Yeah, a couple murders. A couple deaths. The death of Sirius. But meh, it all pales when compared to this. I mean, I never cared about Sirius. But I do care about Hormone and that's what hurts me most."
"Harry, when my drugs didn't arrive in time, did I give up?"
"No."
"When Hagrid slipped and fell on me, I lost three bones and twisted my head in a semi-circle, Harry. Did I give up?"
"No."
"I never give up, Harry. And neither should you. I'm your friend, right?"
"Yup."
"Well, then you can discuss this with me, right? I promise I won't get --- Oh My God, that hot girl's in the cabin. I'll be right back."
- - -
Snape welcomed the students as the train pulled up to the Hogwarts station.
"Hey, Mr. Snape. Where's Headmaster Dumbledore?" Neville, the short, stupid boy who Harry had hated with a unbelievable fury since the first day of school, asked.
"Oh, he's a busy with uhm...work."
"Oh, Albus. Albus! Albus!" came McGonagall's voice from Hagrid's cabin.
"Sounds like they're trying to figure out the curriculum," Neville said.
Snape's mouth took the form of a snarl.
"Neville, I'm going to ki---"
Snape suddenly realized that everyone was observing him.
"---iss you for your...interesting comments."
Snape quickly shooed away the students through the front doors.
All the students quickly filed into the Great Hall, where a festive dinner as well the Sorting would take place.
Snape carried the hat, a useless brown piece of (whoops, gotta remember that kids are reading this)...cotton out and placed it on a chair.
Within seconds, the Hat had woken up from its daydream:
"Yo, yo, yo, welcome to Hogwarts.
The fo' shizzle da' nizzle school
This is my territory, got it?
In here, drugs and prostitution rule.
If you don't like it
Too bad, you can't go back
By the way, give a holler to Crabbe and Goyle
If you're looking for some wonderful crack
Are you ready for a new year of terror?
A year full of anticipation and scares
You won't even be able to sleep
Because I'll fill your head with nightmares
Here's a layout of all the teams
And it doesn't matter where you go
All of them pretty much suck
And the teacher's IQ's are below zero
If you go to Gryffindor
That's for all the sluts and whores
If you go to Hufflepuff,
With all the whores, it's gonna be tough
If you go to Ravenclaw
There's lots of whores and not a single law
If you go to Slytherin,
Prepare to meet lots of whores within
There you go
All different and alike
Well, that's my rap
Sorting Hat, off the mic!"
The Dining Hall with stunned with silence for a moment. A cricket chirped.
"I know. It's a great rap, right?" the Sorting Hat questioned.
"Yes, children, what a...interesting performance. I hope we're all ready to have an productive year. I suppose all people should go to their team grounds."
"But I don't know what team I'm in," a first-year boy said.
"Life is like sex," Snape replied. "Sometimes it gets a bit rough and you need to even out. But besides those uncomfortable moments, which I personally haven't experienced many of, it's actually pretty smooth. Get my point?"
"No...not really."
"Ugh...just get out of my cafeteria!"
- - -
Harry, Hormone, and Ron watched the incident.
"Oh my, I should go help that girl."
Ron stormed away and Harry begin finishing off his Big Mac.
"Wait a minute, Harry," Hormone bellowed. "That's a guy!"
"Oh, shite!" Harry cried as he slid his $2 dollar chair around.
"Ron! No!"
- - -
"Hey. Are you okay?" Ron asked in a calm voice.
"Why do you even bother with me?"
"Well, I can't just let a poor little lady like you suffer."
- - -
In the Infirmary, 30 Minutes Later
"Come on, Harry. Don't lie to me. How does it look?"
Ron's nose was twisted sideways and half of his teeth had fallen out.
"Umm...you look like a pathetic, ugly---" Harry began.
"Wonderful, beautiful human being," Hormone finished. "Right, Harry?"
"Actually, no..."
Harry felt Hormone knee him in the chest. He groaned and coughed.
"Yes, Ron, you look like a supermodel."
"Well, I suppose we should be off. We'll check up on you tomorrow, Ron."
Harry waved to Ron as he left the infirmary.
Then, a sick plan came to mind. Harry nabbed a tape recorder from a nearby shelf.
"Hormone, what did Ron call the boy?"
Harry pressed the Record button.
"He called him a poor little lady. Funny, huh? He sure was a violent fellow."
"Yes, he was, indeed," Harry said with a sick grin.
- - -
When Hormone had gone to her dormitory, Harry rushed outside to the train station.
He scanned the leaving train before finally spotting the boy.
Harry bounced into the train.
"You're the guy that beat up Ron, right?" he said.
"Yes. And he deserved it."
"Well, I have a surprise. Ron's friend, Hormone, she actually started it. Listen. I asked her what she thought of you.
Harry rewinded and played the tape.
"A poor little lady," Hormone's voice echoed.
"Oh, that bitch!" the boy exclaimed.
"Go beat her up, lad. And be sure to aim for the stomach."
"Sure. Thanks, Mister. I owe you one."
Ha ha, Harry thought. His plan was almost complete.
- - -
The next morning, there were two people in the infirmary. Two sufferers who had both been dealt immense pain.
Ron...and the "poor little lady".