Anytime
The day was nice, brisk, sunny. Easy to breathe. Easy to live. The perfect day for a walk, the perfect day to visit a friend. I knelt in front of his grave, it took a while to drive out here, but I had to see him. It had been a year ago today.
I brushed the tombstone gently with my thumb and smiled. Already I could feel the tears forming, and the wind wasn't helping either. I shifted and sat down next to him, holding the flowers in my hand.
"They're plastic," as if that explained everything, and continued, "they'll last longer that way, plus…" I chuckled miserably "You know how my allergies are." The wind picked up and the flowers began to rustle in my hand, I placed them inside the jar that was there.
"There, beautiful." He would have probably have joked around, and made fun of me for placing such flowers on his grave…but what else could I bring? Everything he touched seemed so far away, centuries ago. I hate to admit, but I don't even know what they mean anymore. I felt myself begin to shake as I held in the sobs that were threatening to spill.
"Why didn't you tell me buddy? If I had known…I could have…" I shook my head and bit my lip as I flashed back to the day the doctor told me his prognosis. He was dying. My buddy was dying. Questions. Always questions, is what flowed through my mind that day. Why? How? Why him? Why not me? I remember calling up his mom, her tears, her painful sobs. Her agony. And I could do nothing. Nothing. Just watch another life be taken away, only this time it was personal.
I tried to calm myself down, and I smiled and began babbling away, many "Remember When's?" How we used to inseparable? How most would groan in amusement as we came around the corner? That fight we had, over that…those girls? How we were attached to the hip? How our other buddies made fun of us? How we played jokes on each other? I continued, it was a never ending cycle.
"God buddy, I missed you." I licked my lips as they started to part from the wind. "I'm sorry buddy…so sorry…" I couldn't help but feel guilt, even though he would have died anyway, at least from what the doctors say…"I should have been there…why didn't you let me? Why were you so afraid?"
"Don't know why anyone would be afraid of you Hutch." I stiffened and quickly wiped the tears with my sleeve. The voice was comforting; it let me know I wasn't alone.
"Yea? Then why was he? He was my buddy…he was my best friend…"
"I'll tell you something Hutch, it wasn't your fault. He was confused, he was scared…"
"He was hurt." I shot back, my voice trembling, "I should have been there…I should have…"
"Hey…" I finally turned around and let him envelop me in a hug.
"You did all you could, that was more than enough." I let his words sink in, I let them comfort me. He was always there, always by my side. I looked up at him and smiled sadly. I then knelt down again, and whispered behind my back.
"Just give me a couple more minutes…"
"Sure," came the gentle reply, and he stepped back, giving me room.
"I'll be seeing you Jack, you know I will, bet you're living it up there like the Prince you are. I'll miss you buddy." I bowed my head, memories of our high school days, of our pranks, of our talks of our future. "I wish you would have told me…" I remembered the shock of hearing of his brain tumor, the shock of hearing he was going to die, to feel his neck and feel nothing under my fingers.
I heard shuffling behind me, and I smiled as I thought how Starsky was handling it. He was always fidgety in graveyards…And though Jack was my friend, I couldn't compare him to Starsky. Starsky was always there, he would put his own feelings behind and let mine come first. It was a loyalty that even Jack and I didn't share. I couldn't help but feeling thankful that Starsky was still by my side.
"Thanks Starsk…" I whispered as I turned back around and began walking towards the car, Starsky kept up with a soft trot. It never ceased to amaze me, how even after all these years he was still with me. How whenever I needed him, he would come running…
"Anytime."
…anytime.
End.