Harry Potter and the Unexpected Babies

By moviefreak2004/movieman2400

Version 1.0

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Harry Potter and the Unexpected Baby is not an entry in the Harry Potter series. Insert stupid comment here…

Chapter 7: Snape's Secret

After a relaxing night of sleep, the entire gang was ready to tackle a whole new year of challenges. Because putting Hormone, Ron, and Harry in different classes would completely destroy the story, let's just pretend, that by some amazing twist of fate, the three ended up in the exact same classes at the exact same times --- as they had done in the previous years.

Harry never woke up cheerily. He knew that this might accidentally influence his behavior in his first class of the day, Potions, with Professor Snape.

Malfoy sneered at Potter as he walked in.

"Hello, Potter. Doing fine and dandy?"

"Actually, I am."

"Damn! Well, well…well…I'll be back later!"

Malfoy stormed out of the room and Harry took a seat.

"Oh, sorry, Mr. Potter, can you sit a bit closer to the front? Just so I can be assured that you're not cheating," Mr. Snape said in a calm matter.

"Cheat, Mr. Snape? You know I wouldn't dare to do such a thing."

"When I give a direction, you listen. Now, move!"

"It's ok, Harry. I'll move with you," Ron announced.

"Oh no, Ron. Perhaps Mr. Potter will cheat off you."

"But, Mr. Snape, that's not humanly possible. Ron's a complete idio---I mean, he's not that great at Potions," Harry started to protest.

"Must I deduct fifty points from Gryffindor?"

"That point system is crap," Neville said.

Harry couldn't believe what he had just head.

"Neville, don't get involved in this!" Harry cautioned.

"Young man, your language is inexcusable. You, along with your friends Harry, Ron, and Hormone, will report to my room after classes are over for after school detention."

"Mister Snape, what did I do?" Hormone asked.

"Um, well, to tell you the truth, you…um…hmm…take out your homework, class!"

---

Hagrid poured the three of them a cup of whiskey and handed them a paper plate with a hamburger.

"Just like home, eh, Harry?" he asked.

Harry looked down. White fat was falling from the sides.

"Sure, Hagrid."

"My doc told me to limit my calories. So, I took off some stuff off my world famous burger. Sorry, kids. No more tomatoes or lettuce. That'll take off a good amount of calories, right?"

"Yes, you'll be anorexic in no time, Hagrid."

"Oh, goody goody. Now what did you kids want to holler about?"

"Snape."

"Oh, that reckless maniacal ass---teacher."

"Yeah. He seemed mad today."

"Well, doesn't he seem mad everyday?"

"No. Most of the days, he's a huggable teddy bear. Today, he was completely unapproachable."

"And now, we have to go to detention because of that scumbag Neville," Ron said.

"Don't call him that, Ron. What he doesn't have in smarts, he makes up in looks."

"Hormone," Harry cried.

"What, Harry, I'm just saying."

"You're not alone, Hormone. I feel the same way too," Hagrid gobbled a piece of his burger.

The three friends stood motionless. Hagrid was enjoying his burger so much that he didn't notice their staring. When he was done, he licked his fingers and then turned his head.

"Um…did I say something wrong?"

---

Snape's lonely room brought a sense of fear deep in Harry. It looked like a prison.

The three friends took a seat as Snape walked in.

"I want you to sit here quietly and do nothing, expect schoolwork. If I catch any of you doing anything wrong, Gryffindor will lose a hundred points for every act. I have to go, however. Please, no inappropriate acts."

And with that, Snape was gone.

"That was weird," Neville said. "Where's he going to?"

"I don't know. But I'm going to find out."

Harry held the door ajar for a second and watched as Snape walked away.

"Harry, please," Hormone begged.

"Come on, do you really want to sit in this room studying?"

"Yes…"

"Not the answer I was hoping for, Hormone."

"What about you, Ron? You coming?"

"My brain's not strong enough to answer that question. I'll just say yes."

"Please, Harry, for the sake of Gryffindor," Hormone begged.

"If you want to stay, do so. But we can't just let Snape go like this."

Harry and Ron launched into a karate position and dived out into the hallway

---

As Snape entered the library, he tugged his head back and made sure he wasn't being followed. In the dark library, he lit a match and found his way to a dusty old bookcase. Once again, he checked and found nothing. He pressed his palm against a book and the bookcase rotated to reveal a secret entrance.

When Snape disappeared, Ron and Harry sneaked into the library.

"I can't see a damn thing," Ron said.

"Take my cigarette matches. In my right pocket."

Ron's hand reached in and for a second Harry felt warmth and then it quickly disappeared.

The light flickered on and the old library appeared in front of Ron and Harry. There were the regular books, the ones that bored the crap out of you. There were the screaming books, angry because they were filled with boring nonfiction. There were the anorexic books, which were skinny and were crushed by the taller, stronger books. In short, the whole place was a mess.

"Where'd he go?"

"I saw him by that bookcase."

"Harry, that's the adult section! We can't go there."

"What do you think this is? A kiddie tale?"

"Oh screw it, we already got an R rating. Let's do it."

They scanned over the old books. Harry spotted Gay Wizards of the Sixteenth Century. He had loved that book. Sex N' A Pole Encyclopedia, Harry noticed.

"It's weird. I don't remember any of these being published," Ron muttered.

"Ron, I got it. Sex N' A Pole Encyclopedia."

"Yeah, you remembered. That book saved my parent's marriage."

"No, not that. The name. Sex N' a Pole Encyclopedia. Snape!"

"Oh, Christ, Harry, is this another one of those lame twists in a Harry Potter story where you and me find something that's going to change everything?"

Harry pressed the book and the case rotated to the secret dungeon.

"I guess so," Harry replied and together they entered.