ACT 2
CONTINUE SCENE
Carl Kolchak. As in the Kolchak Papers.
That's me.
Buffy and Dawn lower their weapons.
Carl Kolchak. As in Kolchak the Night Stalker.
That's me too.
Buffy, Carl Kolchak's a fictional TV character from the Seventies! FX still shows reruns with that Darren McGavin guy!
No, Xander. Carl Kolchak's a real person. You can put down the crossbow!
No, no, no, Dawn! Vampires, real! Demons, real! The Hellmouth, real! Kolchak the Night Stalker, make-believe! TV!
Xander, the Kolchak Papers are real. When Carl Kolchak tried to publish them, his newspaper suppressed him. But word of it got to the Council of Watchers, and they bought a copy of the entire manuscript from him. The Kolchak Papers have been a very valuable resource to them for over thirty years, and he actually sat as an advisor to the council on a few occasions a long time ago. Giles says the only real reason he didn't become a full fledged member of the Council is their exclusivity and their stuffy, snobbish attitude toward Americans. In fact, the Council's copy of the Kolchak Papers was one of the documents he saved before their building was blown up.
And then a little later on, the TV network also came across the Kolchak Papers. They assumed it was fiction, so they bought the movie rights from him as fiction!
I'm sure that must've hurt your ego. Believe me, I know what it's like when people don't believe you and think you're a nut case!
Oh, yeah! My ego cried all the way to the bank!
The Night Stalker can't be based on fact! His vamps didn't even dust when he staked them! I remember in the original pilot movie, Kolchak mentioned that they had to cremate the first vamp he staked, and all his victims.
Since when does Hollywood get everything right, Xander? They did get the part right about cremating the victims, before they could turn into vampires. But Janos Skorzeny did dust when I staked him, as did every other vampire I staked. Just like your "vamps".
I guess they were a little chintzy with the special effects. That was a few years before Star Wars.
At least Darren McGavin had me down perfect, right down to the wrinkled suit and the homburg hat.
Yes, you do look amazingly like him!
That's who he reminded me of!
Xander lowers the crossbow. Carl gets up off the ground and sits on the headstone, putting his stake in its shoulder holster.
Only about a fourth of the Kolchak Papers were made into Night Stalker episodes before the show was canceled.
But I made an even bigger bundle off The X-Files too. A lot of their stories that weren't about space aliens or the Cigarette Man also came from my papers. And that show ran for a lot longer than The Night Stalker.
The last section of the Kolchak papers was about Sunnydale and the Hellmouth. Years before any of us were born.
So what brings you back to Sunnydale, Mr. Kolchak? Did you learn about the rumblings and come to try to keep the Hellmouth closed?
Oh, no! When I left here the last time, I decided nothing could ever make me come back. Not even threats of the Hellmouth reopening. Even then, I was getting too old for that crap! I presume you've read what happened.
But you're here. What could bring you back after all that?
Only one thing. Finding out that my family was here in Sunnydale, and wanting to get them the hell out!
Your family?
But... you came to Sunnydale looking for our mom!
In the pilot movie to the series, I had a fiancee named Gail. The police coerced her into leaving town after I staked Janos Skorzeny, and I kept trying to find her.
In real life, her name was Joan, we'd been married for seven years, and we had two daughters: a six year old named Pauline and a four year old named Joyce.
Buffy and Dawn gasp.
And she wasn't coerced into leaving town. Joan was convinced that I'd brought a curse on myself for killing Skorzeny, and wanted to protect herself, and especially Pauline and Joyce, from the curse or whatever demons I'd unleashed. She left me, disappearing without a trace. At first I did try to find her, just like in the movie. But after a while... it wasn't so much a matter of giving up, but realizing she was right. I couldn't risk endangering them, so I stopped trying to find them.
Carl reaches for his wallet, then takes out a photo and hands it to Buffy and Dawn.
INSERT CLOSE SHOT OF THE PHOTO. We see a young Carl Kolchak in a rumpled suit, with an even younger and very attractive blonde woman and two young blonde girls.
That's Mom and Grandma and Aunt Polly! We have pictures of them like this, same clothes, same background, but just the three of them.
But Mom's maiden name was Joyce Wilson. Our grandparents were Kirk and Joan Wilson.
But you never met your grandfather, this "Kirk Wilson".
He died when Mom was a little girl. Grandma raised her and Aunt Pauline alone, like Mom raised Buffy and me. Mom and Aunt Polly barely remembered him.
And you never saw any pictures of him.
Until now.
How do we know this picture isn't a computerized photomanipulation?
Where would I have gotten the original to manipulate?
How about if I call my grandmother to come up here and identify you?
A long beat. Carl smiles painfully.
As much as I'd love to see your grandmother again, I don't want to bring her into this. In fact, I'm asking you two to please never mention our ever meeting to her. For her sake and your Aunt Pauline's.
But if you want proof, I'm willing to do a DNA test if you are. I'll pay for it.
I'll take you up on that!
Just to be absolutely sure.
We're Kolchaks! That's why I'm the Slayer! That makes as much sense as anything else in my life!
I want so much to believe you... that you're our grandfather.
Carl smiles back and clutches both her hands.
Trust your instincts, Sweetheart. The same instincts that let me survive all those brushes with evil are the ones that let your sister survive those same evils. And yourself.
So young Rupert Giles is your watcher!
Not so young.
Well, he can't prove that I'm your grandfather, but he can prove I'm the real Carl Kolchak.
Good. He's due back from the East Coast day after tomorrow.
Carl stands and nods toward the gate.
My car's right outside. Let me give you a lift home.
They start toward the gate. Dawn continues to hold Carl's hand and looks at him adoringly, which Buffy and Xander eye suspiciously.
Oh, your friend Spike. He seemed familiar and I knew he was a vampire right off....
So if you're Kolchak the Night Stalker, and you're our grandfather, and you saw a vampire in our house, why didn't you try to stake him right away?
Because I may have never actually seen one before, but I've heard what the signs were for a vampire with a soul.
And they are...?
Something in the eyes. Almost like being in love!
Buffy blushes, Xander looks revolted and Dawn stifles an involuntary giggle.
EXT THE SUMMERS HOME BACKYARD-- DAY. Buffy trains with the Potentials while Carl stands watching off to the side for a few seconds, then enters the back door.
INT THE BASEMENT. Spike sits on his cot smoking as Carl comes down the steps and sits near the bottom step.
So. The Niblet tells me you say you're her granddad. And that you're Kolchak the Night Stalker!
And she tells me you used to be William the Bloody!
A long beat, then they raise their eyebrows and point fingers at each other.
New Orleans! Mardi Gras 1970!
You were a lot younger.
And you were a lot less blonde.
So how does a vampire end up getting his soul back?
Different ways. The other bloke that Buffy knows got his back as a curse, when he pissed off the wrong Gypsy. I went out looking to get mine back through trials and torture because of your granddaughter.
What did she do?
It wasn't what she did, it's what I did to her. I didn't try to turn her, but I nearly violated her real bad. Right here in this house. Felt so terrible and remorseful afterward that I went halfway around the world to get my soul back. For her.
Hey, you only said my granddaughter. We are talking about Buffy and not Dawn here, right?
Of course, Mate! In addition to the Niblet being as pure and untouched as they come, she's the closest I've ever come to having a little sister myself. In all my century plus of existence, human and vamp!
And your daughter...
Joyce was as sweet and as kind a human being as ever walked God's Green Earth. And I felt that way about her long before I got my soul back or had a bloody chip put in my head.
Thank you, Spike. I needed to hear that.
You're welcome. Joyce deserves to be remembered like that.
So you being Kolchak the Night Stalker, this isn't the first time you've ever been here to the Hellmouth.
Definitely not! I've seen the Hellmouth up close and personal. Right after you and I crossed paths in New Orleans. Closer and more personal than I care to remember.
But you were able to write about it. Never read it myself, but after they came home last night, Niblet and Carpenter Boy dug up the Council's old copy of your papers and started reading from it along with Red. Couldn't help overhearing. Understand you ended up tied to a wheel hanging over the demonic manhole cover over the Hellmouth, while the eyeless buggers with the black robes tried to open it with your blood.
Carl nods and blinks wordlessly.
Ooohh! Been there, done that, got the bloody T-shirt! And I do mean bloody.
So we've got more in common than New Orleans.
We belong to an exclusive club, Mate! Only my membership's just a few weeks old.
Buffy rescued me, but not until after the Ubervamp came out from the seal and pounded me for a few days. How'd you get out?
Cheap rope and pure dumb luck. Before anything got out.
Buffy comes down the steps and stops when she gets to where Carl is sitting.
There you are.
Just getting reacquainted with an old acquaintance. Turns out we're more kindred spirits than I thought we'd be.
I made an appointment at the medical lab for ten tomorrow morning. They say we can get the results back in three days.
INT A WOMEN'S LAVATORY. Buffy and Dawn stand in front of the wash basins and mirror. Dawn is rather apprehensive.
Dawnie, you're the one who's all googly and excited to prove he's our grandfather. They don't even draw blood anymore like they used to with the OJ trial. They just swab your cheek lining with a Q-Tip!
It's not the needles I'm afraid of.
They glance around at the toilet stalls to make sure they're alone.
What if my DNA isn't human? What if I don't even have DNA?
Dawnie, the monks made you from me! That's something I just know. We went through all this over two years ago. The monks made you human so that nobody can tell what you were before, including some medical lab. So not only will you have human DNA, you'll have my DNA. And if Carl's really our grandfather, we'll have his DNA.
So we only need your DNA then! They don't have to check mine.
But if it turns out he's not our grandfather and not really Kolchak the Night Stalker, and he means us harm, your not giving a DNA sample may open up a can of worms for him to use.
Come on, don't be chicken! Maybe we'll learn something that might be helpful. Besides, he's paying for it! You know how much this procedure costs?
Dawn takes several deep breaths to calm herself.
Okay.
They step out and the camera follows them to the inside of a waiting room in a medical laboratory where Carl is among the people waiting. They sit next to him.
A LAB TECHNICIAN steps up from around the counter, reading from a form on a clipboard.
Carl Kolchak, Buffy Summers, Dawn Summers! Come with me, please.
INT THE SUMMERS HOME FOYER/STAIRWELL/LIVING ROOM-- DUSK. Several of the Potentials are gathered in the living room, with Buffy and Spike giving them a lecture on vampire vulnerabilities ad lib.
Giles enters the front door with TRACIE, a diminutive girl of 17 or 18 who is of Oriental and Spanish mix, dressed like a typical mallrat. Everyone gathers around them.
Everyone, this is Tracie. She was born in the Philippines, but she's been living in New Jersey most of her life.
In fact, the way her Watcher disappeared, we're still not quite sure if it was the Bringers or the Sopranos who were responsible.
Oh, great! Born in the Philippines. Does that mean I'm going to have to share my meager ration of pig's blood?
No thanks! I haven't touched the stuff since I was old enough to realize what it was!
So you must be the famous Vampire With a Soul!
I heard he was much taller and heavier. And darker.
That's the other one!
There's two of you?
Well, yes, and...
Hi, Tracie! I'm Buffy. Make yourself at home! Everyone, introduce yourselves to Tracie. Giles, something else has come up!
She grabs Giles by the sleeve and pulls him through the crowd and partially up the stairwell.
We have another visitor. Someone who claims, among other things, to be an old friend of yours!
The camera follows as she leads him up the stairs into...
INT DAWN'S ROOM, where Carl and Dawn sit on the bed together with their backs to him, looking through some photo albums. They turn to face him, both grinning.
Giles! You old stuffed shirt butler!
Dear Lord! Kolchak! You old used car salesman!
Carl laughs as he walks around and reaches out to grab Giles in a fierce bearhug. Buffy and Dawn watch in amazement as Giles laughs and hugs him back as fiercely.
He's the real McCoy!
Well, the real McGavin, anyway!
The two men separate.
So, Carl! What the devil are you doing back here in Sunnydale? I should have thought you'd be lounging around a poolside or off on a golf course someplace pleasant, living off the fortune you made from the TV show royalties!
Actually, I was! Until I learned my daughter and granddaughters were living here in Sunnydale. And then heard about all the new rumblings at the Hellmouth. So I came here to get them out.
I see. So you sought out the Slayer to help you find them.
No, quite the opposite. I found my granddaughters and learned that one of them was the Slayer!
No!
He stands there with his mouth hanging open.
Or so he says. We just went to a medical lab this morning to do some DNA testing. We get the results in three more days.
You needn't have bothered! Buffy, if this man says he's your grandfather, then he's your grandfather! Which I think is wonderfully fantastic!
Kind of makes sense, doesn't it? If bloodlines or genetics have anything to do with it, who else would make a better Slayer than the Night Stalker's granddaughter?
Welcome to the family, Grandpa!
If you don't mind, I'm gonna be the Doubting Thomas here. I'll wait for the DNA results.
What do your instincts tell you,
Slayer?
That I'm talking to a used car salesman!
Buffy!
Dawn, you're free to believe that Mr. Kolchak's our grandfather, and treat him as such. For me, it's not going to hurt to wait a couple more days.
Well, unfortunately, I won't be around for that. I have to turn right around and leave first thing that morning. Back to England this time. But I'm sure of what the results will be.
So Joyce Summers was your daughter. And you hadn't known that she had passed away.
Not until I got here and Dawnie told me.
I'm sorry.
I just want you to know that Joyce was one of the most wonderful women I've ever met. A perfect angel. Everything good that Buffy and Dawn have about them came from her.
Yes, everyone's been telling me that. Spike tells me he even thought so before he got his soul back.
Yes. Spike.
So, Carl, it's so fortuitous that you should show up now. I presume you've heard about the Council.
Yes. And since you survived, a big part of me thinks it's no great loss.
Same here. Anyway, all that's left are myself and Robson, who's still in the hospital slowly recovering. And perhaps a small handful of survivors out there who haven't been able to find us. And, of course, you.
If you'd like.
Thank you. I can't promise much, but this old used car salesman still has a few tricks left in him.
I'm not too crazy about staying around Sunnydale on a permanent basis, though. But I won't be too far whenever I leave.
Of course, you realize now that taking your granddaughters out of here is not in the cards.
Well, I was thinking maybe Dawnie could come with me.
Grandpa! No!
Carl! Even if you are our grandfather, I'm still Dawn's legal guardian. And we need each other. Here. In Sunnydale. We've had to fight the state family services to stay together too hard to give it up.
Well, I said I wouldn't be far. And it doesn't look like I'm leaving any time real soon anyway. We can talk about it after things stabilize a little more.
If they ever do.
So, my old friend! We've got a lot of catching up to do!...
INT THE LIVING ROOM/FOYER-- DAY. Buffy, Dawn, Willow, Anya, Carl and Giles all stand in the foyer, Giles with a suitcase at his feet. The other principal characters and the Potentials are gathered in the living room.
Okay, everybody! Mr. Kolchak and Dawn and I have some business to take care of after we drop Giles off at the airport, and it may take a while, so we may not be back until afternoon. So Willow's in charge until we get back.
Anya and Willow each give Giles a quick hug.
Have a safe trip.
Give my love to the whole coven!
I'll be sure and do that, Willow.
Giles picks up the suitcase and he, Buffy, Dawn and Carl leave. Willow closes the door behind them, waits several seconds and then turns to Kennedy and Amanda who are standing by the window.
Are they gone?
Kennedy and Amanda nod.
Okay, listen up! Carl and Giles both agree that the threat from the Bringers is a bit reduced, especially since a big part of that perceived threat was that we weren't sure who Carl really was until Giles got back. So since everybody's dying of cabin fever--
The Potentials all groan in agreement.
-- including myself-- Giles thinks it's okay for us to get out for a while. And since Carl has something special planned for when he gets back, he wants me to do some shopping and errands for him. And since I'm in charge, everyone follow me!
The Potentials stampede for the door with a collective cheer, pushing Willow and Anya out in front of them.
Andrew starts to follow them out, but Spike and Xander each grab his arms.
Where are you going, Junior? You're still our hostage!
INT THE BASEMENT. Spike stretches out on his cot.
Silence at last!
CLOSE ON XANDER sleeping on the living room couch.
CLOSE ON THE KITCHEN PHONE as it RINGS.
Andrew enters and picks up the phone.
Summers residence. Andrew speaking.
Andrew who?
Andrew Wells.
You did say this was the Summers residence.
Yes, you have the right number.
Then the only people supposed to be living there are my two granddaughters and their friend Willow! So who the hell are you?
I'm... sort of staying here.
Staying... I want to talk to Buffy!
She's not home at the minute. Do you have her cell ph...
Then let me talk to Dawn!
She's with Buffy. They just left with Carl.
Carl? And who the hell is Carl?
If you're Buffy and Dawn's grandmom, he says he knows you! He's this old guy who says he's the original Night Stalker!
Oh, my God!
CLICK!
INT A SMALL CONFERENCE ROOM AT THE MEDICAL LAB. Buffy and Dawn sit on either side of Carl, across the table from a GENETICIST.
Well, there's no doubt about it, Mr. Kolchak. You're definitely related to these two lovely young ladies. And based on the amount of DNA you have in common with them, you're almost certain to be their grandfather.
Buffy and Dawn both hug Carl.
What'd I tell you? Trust your instincts!
The ones I got from you... Grandpa!
I knew it all along!
And I'm sorry I doubted you.
No, it's okay, Sweetheart. Doubting Thomas was a very important figure in the history of the early church.
I do want to mention something else. We did find something rather extraordinary about the DNA of you two ladies.
Dawn gulps anxiously.
What?
Well, due to the processes of mitosis and meiosis in the reproductive cycle, any two siblings would be expected to have a common mitochondrial DNA marker from their mother's egg cells, and approximately 50 percent of DNA in common from the nuclear DNA, from the two parents. Unless they were identical twins, in which case the nuclear DNA would be 100 percent in common. However, in the case of you two ladies, in addition to the common mitochondrial DNA marker, you have over 99.99 percent common nuclear DNA. The odds of that happening are astronomical. Out of your tens of thousands of genes, the two of you have only a half dozen or so that are different. Just enough to account for the differences in hair color and height, maybe a little bit of your other facial features. Otherwise you two would look like identical twins except for the difference in age. And genetically, you practically are!
Carl raises his eyebrows. Buffy feigns naivete.
Oh, gee! Imagine that!
I can't stress to you how phenomenal this is! The odds of this happening approach one in a trillion!
The luck of the Kolchaks, I guess.
Well, can you think of any other explanation?
Not realistically. Theoretically, it almost looks like somebody cloned you when you were five years old to create Dawn, but in addition decided to do just enough gene splicing to alter Dawn's appearance. But that's only theoretical. Despite what the tabloids and all these off-the-wall claims from Europe say, even if it were legal we'd still be years away from human cloning. And years away from human gene splicing. Hypothetical human cloning and gene splicing on the same embryo, we're talking decades if ever. And going back to the Eighties when you two were born, in terms of genetic engineering, that was the Dark Ages.
So there is no logical explanation.
Just pure chance in the face of the astronomical odds.
Carl's eyes narrow as he glances back and forth between Buffy and Dawn.
In fact, this is so phenomenal, I was wondering if the two of you would be willing to undergo some medical and psychological tests. In the interest of science.
No!!!
A beat.
At least not right now. We've both got some pretty heavy commitments. Maybe in a few months. We'll contact you when we're ready. Thanks for the help.
She, Dawn and Carl leave hurriedly.
INT CARL'S MERCEDES as he drives it away from the medical lab and down the streets of Sunnydale, with Buffy in the front passenger seat and Dawn in the back seat. A long pregnant pause for all three, with Carl in particularly deep thought.
Dawnie, did you know you weren't the first one?
Dawn and Buffy both raise their eyebrows.
You mean, I wasn't the first ball of shapeless mystical energy to be given human form from the blood of a Slayer, and turned into her kid sister. With a complete set of prefabricated and indelible memories for herself and everyone who would have known of her.
Oh, thank God! You already know! I sort of suspected with your being nervous about the DNA test. But I wasn't sure, and didn't quite know the right way to bring it up. Not that it makes any difference. You're my granddaughter in every sense of the word, and I'd love you just the same if you only came into human form ten minutes ago and all my memories before that were prefabricated.
Thanks, Grandpa.
But you're saying it's happened before? With other Slayers and their sisters?
Giles never told you?
At least three other times that the Council was aware of, going back to the 12th Century. I was the one who stumbled across it in my own independent research before the Council approached me to be their advisor. It wasn't in my original Kolchak Papers, I only passed it on by word of mouth to them. They either weren't aware of it before or wouldn't acknowledge to me that they were aware of it. So it doesn't surprise me that Giles never told you. He probably didn't know himself.
Well, when we found out, Giles was no longer officially my Watcher, and had had a falling out with the council, so it's no surprise that they cut him out of the loop.
So, Grandpa, you mean I'm not the only interdimen--
Dawnie! If you know what you used to be before you became human, don't tell me! It's better for everyone that I don't know!
We know that certain orders of monks in Europe over the centuries were given charge of various supernatural forces and beings, to protect them from the forces of evil. What they did with the two of you is rare; as I said, only three other times that we know of in eight or nine hundred years. Only as a last resort. We're not sure specifically what the other supernatural beings were originally, but all three ended up as the younger sister of the current Slayer.
And did they know? The Slayers and their sisters?
Some did, some didn't. I found my information in ancient records in the ruins of an Austrian monastery that was destroyed during World War II. It was sketchy.
I kind of feel better now. Knowing I'm not so unique.
Well, I see from the other night's little fracas in the cemetery that your powers are developing nicely!
My wha...?/Her wha...?
You two don't know!
I'm supposed to have powers?
The monk who told me said they made her my sister so I'd protect her with my life. Just before he died from wounds inflicted by the hellgod who was after Dawn. He was the last living member of the order.
Then either he died before he got to finish the whole story, or he got the story wrong. Having the Slayer protect the supernatural entity as a younger sister was just the first part. It never made sense to rely on the Slayer on a permanent basis to protect the entity, what with the daily risks that a Slayer... sorry, Buffy!
You mean the short life expectancy. You can say it, Grandpa.
I've been living with that reality for seven years.
Okay. So, anyway, it didn't make sense. But the whole idea of making the entity's human form out of the Slayer's blood, that's so that the entity would have at least some of the Slayer's powers so that she could protect herself. And she would grow up learning from her older sister.
How much of a Slayer's powers?
No way of knowing,
but in your case, somehow the number 99.99 percent feels like a good guess. As a final figure. Yours are still emerging slowly.
Then I am a Potential after all! Buffy, remember when we found Amanda with Willow's locator spell, the cloud hit me first and I glowed before it went through the door.
You're not a Potential, Dawn. You're already something else. Not exactly a Slayer, someone with most Slayer powers and maybe some of whatever powers you may have had before you became human. And you don't have to wait to be called. You're not part of the line of succession.
But you should start training with the Potentials.
No! I don't want them to know! I don't want anyone else to know. I don't want the First to find out. If we don't talk about it anymore, is there a chance the First won't find out?
I don't know, Dawn. Maybe, maybe not.
Grandpa, what happened to the other three who were like me?
I don't know, Sweetheart. Like I said, the records were sketchy. Presumably since the world's still here, nothing harmful became of them. Presumably, they did take care of themselves if their Slayer sisters weren't around.
I still don't want to train with the Potentials. I'm not going to take orders from Kennedy just because she's older and had been working with her Watcher longer than the others. And because she's Willow's new squeeze. She makes me miss Tara even more.
Okay, you don't have to, Dawnie. I started you on the basics before the Potentials started to show up. And you've been watching me all along, as you pointed out when we were fighting Willow's Earth monsters.
Maybe you and Giles can work with me individually. I can trust him to know....
I'll work with you whenever I can, but I don't want Giles to know.
That whole thing with removing Spike's chip?
That may be coming to a head, and until it does, I don't want you caught in the middle.
That's okay. Only the three of us have to know.
We'll keep it in the family.
You'll be my secret weapon until the time comes! My Ace in the Hole!
I'm also still afraid of the First finding out. If we don't talk about it among ourselves, maybe there's a chance it won't.
I don't know, but at this point it can't hurt to not talk about it. I mean, if it's only between the three of us, there's not much more for us to say about it. Is there, Grandpa?
Not much more to say about what?
PARTY MUSIC AND NOISE AS WE CUT TO:
CLOSE ON A LARGE SHEET CAKE decorated in icing with the large inscription: "Congratulations, Buffy and Dawn! It's a Grandfather!"
The camera pulls back to reveal the dining table crammed full with a rather expensive catered buffet setup, but with disposable dishes and flatware.
INT THE HOUSE-- DUSK
A MONTAGE shows the Potentials gathered around the living room and stairwell, and helping themselves to the buffet although the cake remains intact.
INT THE KITCHEN. Buffy, Dawn, Carl, Willow and Anya gather around the breakfast counter as we see, in the background, Andrew, Spike, Xander and some of the Potentials loitering around the dining table and the divider between the kitchen and dining room.
Dawnie, don't you feel like we've just won the Triple Crown? Out of nowhere, our long-lost grandfather turns up, he's a legendary vampire-hunter, and he's loaded!
I'd love you just the same if you were flat broke and a nobody, Grandpa!
I mean, I could quit my day job if it wasn't so conveniently located!
Hey, listen! I still want to give your grandma, your Aunt Pauline and her kids their fair share of the fortune, if they can somehow get it without knowing where it came from! Any suggestions?
Well, I could do a spell and have the money suddenly turn up in their bank accounts--
Spell, schmell! That's called a wire transfer!
Andrew comes up to the counter.
Excuse me, Mr. Kolchak. Could you settle an argument between me and Xander about The X-Files characters? Were the Lone Gunmen based on your papers or people you knew? Because I'd like to meet the real guys someday, unless they really did sacrifice...
The DOORBELL RINGS. In the background we see Xander step over from the dining room to the foyer. The ensuing conversation is initially barely audible amid the background party noise and Andrew's ramblings but gradually becomes louder.
Yes, can I help...
We hear the same female voice Andrew heard over the phone earlier.
So! You're Andrew!
No, I'm Xander.
Xander? Oh, yes. Mom, we met him the last--
What the hell is going on in this house?
Buffy! Dawnie!
Buffy and Dawn look at each other in alarm as THE ENTIRE HOUSE FALLS SILENT (including someone SHUTTING OFF THE STEREO).
Grandma?
Carl's eyebrows raise and his jaw drops in alarm as well.
Speak of the Devil!
END ACT 2. INSERT COMMERCIAL BREAK.