Part 6 Dude! Where's my Broomstick?
Harry was going to play in a Quidditch match against Slytherin one afternoon. At breakfast however, he had been acting quite strangely.
Firstly, he had got on to a table and done a Bugs-Bunny impression.
Then he had kissed Snape and said 'I love you Lord Voldemort. I want to have your babies.'
Next he had thrown himself head-first into a plate of champagne trifle and refused to come out.
Now he had disappeared altogether
'It's probably pre-match nerves.' Said Hermione. 'We'll go and look for him after breakfast.'
***
They searched through the castle and grounds, but Harry was nowhere to be found.
They were returning to the castle for the fourth time when Ron stopped and pointed at something on the ground. 'Look.' He said. The very messy remains of Harry Potter lay on the ground underneath the Astronomy Tower.
'Ah,' said Hermione.
'What a pity.' Said Ron.
'Oh dear.' Said Hermione.
'Oops.' Said Ron.
'Never mind.' Said Hermione. 'He had a good life while it lasted.'
'Yes. So unfortunate it should happen when he was about to play for the House Cup.'
'I always said that jumping out of windows was bad for him. He… - Wait a minute, did you say play for the House Cup?'
'Yup.'
'That's terrible! We must find a replacement.'
'I'll replace him.'
'You? Sorry Ron but, honestly, you couldn't steer a broom out of a paper bag.'
'I could beat Harry any day, on one condition.'
'What's that?'
'If I have his broomstick.'
'Ok, you get the broomstick and you can try to beat Harry.'
'Fine. See you at the game.'
***
Ron was having a little bit of trouble. Harry's Firebolt was locked in his trunk and no matter how much Ron tried, he couldn't get it out.
'Alohomora!' he said crossly. Nothing happened. 'Alohomora! I said Alohomora! ALOHOMORA!! Damn you.'
Ron kicked the trunk. This caused him to sit down heavily. But soon he was up and shouting furiously at the trunk. 'YOU STUPID TRUNK!!!! WHY CAN'T YOU OPEN?!! OPEN!!! I'LL CURSE YOU!!! YOU GOOD-FOR-NOTHING, USELESS, STUPID, GORMLESS, ANNOYING TRUNK!! YOU HURT ME ON PURPOSE!!! ADMIT IT!!! YOU DID IT!!!! WELL I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!! I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU A DAMN GOOD THRASHING!!!'
Ron raised his wand and hit the trunk. The wand broke. 'YOU STUPID WAND!' yelled Ron. 'YOU USELESS, STINKING PIECE OF DOGGY-DOO! YOU BROKE ON PURPOSE! OH YES YOU DID! DON'T DENY IT. I SAW YOU!'
***
An hour later Hermione came in to find Ron throwing both trunk and wand around the room. 'Having trouble?' she asked. Ron told her to do something that should not be repeated. 'Honestly,' said Hermione.' We might as well give up. If you can't even get the broomstick out of the box, you don't stand a chance against Slytherin. Why don't you look in Hogwarts: a History?'
'Will that tell me how to open Harry's trunk?' said Ron doubtfully.
'No.' said Hermione.' It's just I have to say that in every story. "I read about it in Hogwarts; a History" " Haven't you read Hogwarts; a History?" "Why haven't you read Hogwarts; a History?" " Let's look in Hogwarts; a History". You name it, fanfic authors will make me say it. I read about it in Hogwarts; a History. Thes Aurus.'
Harry's trunk opened. 'Pardon?' asked Ron.
'It's the password.' Said Hermione. ' I thought I might as well come and help you otherwise you wouldn't play at all. Which wouldn' t be a bad thing.'
Ron thanked Hermione, pulled on Harry's Quidditch robes and zoomed out of the window. He was half way to the Quidditch pitch when he looked down. The ground seemed a long way away. Ron was scared of heights. The broom went into a nose dive. Ron yelled and pulled the handle up. The firebolt shot off at an alarming rate - in to the side of the Quidditch pitch.
***
A few minuets into the game, Ron was sitting bolt upright on his broomstick eying the ground nervously. He was moving at 3 miles per hour. He was also so close to the ground his feet kept on skimming the pitch.
Suddenly a bludger apeared on the attack. It zoomed towards Ron, who panicked. He proceeded to move the broom in three directions at once: up, left and backwards. This had a very interesting affect on Ron, who in a moment of panic, let go of the broom altogether, slipped of the end and landed safely a few feet below on Malfoy's Nimbus.
The sudden transference of weight on to the end of the broom caused the front to shoot upwards, catapaulting Malfoy skywards. Ron was to busy screaming to notice. In an effort to escape he flung himself off the broom and hurtled towards the crowd.
' OOOOOOOO!!!!' said the crowd.
'AHHHHHHHHHH!!!' said Ron.
The Golden Snitch was having a very boring game, so far nobody had even attempted to catch it and it felt slighted. Nobody loves me. It thought, nobody cares! I hate them all! I hate my life! Who wants to be a Snitch?
With these unhappy thoughts, the Golden Snitch decided to commit suicied. When Ron fell it hovered under him, hoping to be squashed when Ron landed on it. Ron plumeted to the ground and trapped the Snitch under him.
Somewhere above him Madame Hoochs' wistle sounded signaling the end of the game. She had decided this was the nearest anyone would get to catching the snitch and as Malfoy was no longer able to play, Gryffindor would win anyway.
A/n: Any Harry lovers don't worry, Harry will be back!
Disclaimer: any harry potter things belong to JK. The title is a very weak pun on 'Dude! Where's my car!' which is by I-Don't-Know-Who.
Harry was going to play in a Quidditch match against Slytherin one afternoon. At breakfast however, he had been acting quite strangely.
Firstly, he had got on to a table and done a Bugs-Bunny impression.
Then he had kissed Snape and said 'I love you Lord Voldemort. I want to have your babies.'
Next he had thrown himself head-first into a plate of champagne trifle and refused to come out.
Now he had disappeared altogether
'It's probably pre-match nerves.' Said Hermione. 'We'll go and look for him after breakfast.'
***
They searched through the castle and grounds, but Harry was nowhere to be found.
They were returning to the castle for the fourth time when Ron stopped and pointed at something on the ground. 'Look.' He said. The very messy remains of Harry Potter lay on the ground underneath the Astronomy Tower.
'Ah,' said Hermione.
'What a pity.' Said Ron.
'Oh dear.' Said Hermione.
'Oops.' Said Ron.
'Never mind.' Said Hermione. 'He had a good life while it lasted.'
'Yes. So unfortunate it should happen when he was about to play for the House Cup.'
'I always said that jumping out of windows was bad for him. He… - Wait a minute, did you say play for the House Cup?'
'Yup.'
'That's terrible! We must find a replacement.'
'I'll replace him.'
'You? Sorry Ron but, honestly, you couldn't steer a broom out of a paper bag.'
'I could beat Harry any day, on one condition.'
'What's that?'
'If I have his broomstick.'
'Ok, you get the broomstick and you can try to beat Harry.'
'Fine. See you at the game.'
***
Ron was having a little bit of trouble. Harry's Firebolt was locked in his trunk and no matter how much Ron tried, he couldn't get it out.
'Alohomora!' he said crossly. Nothing happened. 'Alohomora! I said Alohomora! ALOHOMORA!! Damn you.'
Ron kicked the trunk. This caused him to sit down heavily. But soon he was up and shouting furiously at the trunk. 'YOU STUPID TRUNK!!!! WHY CAN'T YOU OPEN?!! OPEN!!! I'LL CURSE YOU!!! YOU GOOD-FOR-NOTHING, USELESS, STUPID, GORMLESS, ANNOYING TRUNK!! YOU HURT ME ON PURPOSE!!! ADMIT IT!!! YOU DID IT!!!! WELL I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!! I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU A DAMN GOOD THRASHING!!!'
Ron raised his wand and hit the trunk. The wand broke. 'YOU STUPID WAND!' yelled Ron. 'YOU USELESS, STINKING PIECE OF DOGGY-DOO! YOU BROKE ON PURPOSE! OH YES YOU DID! DON'T DENY IT. I SAW YOU!'
***
An hour later Hermione came in to find Ron throwing both trunk and wand around the room. 'Having trouble?' she asked. Ron told her to do something that should not be repeated. 'Honestly,' said Hermione.' We might as well give up. If you can't even get the broomstick out of the box, you don't stand a chance against Slytherin. Why don't you look in Hogwarts: a History?'
'Will that tell me how to open Harry's trunk?' said Ron doubtfully.
'No.' said Hermione.' It's just I have to say that in every story. "I read about it in Hogwarts; a History" " Haven't you read Hogwarts; a History?" "Why haven't you read Hogwarts; a History?" " Let's look in Hogwarts; a History". You name it, fanfic authors will make me say it. I read about it in Hogwarts; a History. Thes Aurus.'
Harry's trunk opened. 'Pardon?' asked Ron.
'It's the password.' Said Hermione. ' I thought I might as well come and help you otherwise you wouldn't play at all. Which wouldn' t be a bad thing.'
Ron thanked Hermione, pulled on Harry's Quidditch robes and zoomed out of the window. He was half way to the Quidditch pitch when he looked down. The ground seemed a long way away. Ron was scared of heights. The broom went into a nose dive. Ron yelled and pulled the handle up. The firebolt shot off at an alarming rate - in to the side of the Quidditch pitch.
***
A few minuets into the game, Ron was sitting bolt upright on his broomstick eying the ground nervously. He was moving at 3 miles per hour. He was also so close to the ground his feet kept on skimming the pitch.
Suddenly a bludger apeared on the attack. It zoomed towards Ron, who panicked. He proceeded to move the broom in three directions at once: up, left and backwards. This had a very interesting affect on Ron, who in a moment of panic, let go of the broom altogether, slipped of the end and landed safely a few feet below on Malfoy's Nimbus.
The sudden transference of weight on to the end of the broom caused the front to shoot upwards, catapaulting Malfoy skywards. Ron was to busy screaming to notice. In an effort to escape he flung himself off the broom and hurtled towards the crowd.
' OOOOOOOO!!!!' said the crowd.
'AHHHHHHHHHH!!!' said Ron.
The Golden Snitch was having a very boring game, so far nobody had even attempted to catch it and it felt slighted. Nobody loves me. It thought, nobody cares! I hate them all! I hate my life! Who wants to be a Snitch?
With these unhappy thoughts, the Golden Snitch decided to commit suicied. When Ron fell it hovered under him, hoping to be squashed when Ron landed on it. Ron plumeted to the ground and trapped the Snitch under him.
Somewhere above him Madame Hoochs' wistle sounded signaling the end of the game. She had decided this was the nearest anyone would get to catching the snitch and as Malfoy was no longer able to play, Gryffindor would win anyway.
A/n: Any Harry lovers don't worry, Harry will be back!
Disclaimer: any harry potter things belong to JK. The title is a very weak pun on 'Dude! Where's my car!' which is by I-Don't-Know-Who.