Part 8 The Hobbit, the Elf and the Weasly

STARRING RON WEASLY AS HIMSELF

Are You Sitting Comfortably? Then I'll Begin….

One day a large poster appeared in the Entrance Hall:

'ORLI AND THE HOBBITS

Middle Earth's First Boy Band

Performing this lunch hour

In Dungeon 11'

'We could actually MEET them!' gibbered Hermione.

'Oh WOW!' said Harry sarcastically.

'Can we go please!!!' squealed Hermione.

'Why?' asked Ron.

'Cos they're, like, my favourite group!' Hermione explained.

'And you fancy Orli.' Added Harry.

'And I fancy- NO I DON'T!!!' squeaked Hermione turning red.

'Oh Jesus!' Exclaimed Harry.

'Well, can we go???' asked Hermione. 'I'm DYING to see them.'

'Dying to see coughorlicough' corrected Harry.

'Ok, Hermione. We'll take you to your concert.' Said Ron, who secretly thought Sam was very fit.

That lunch, Dungeon 11 was packed full. Mostly there were screaming girls but there were a few boys. Then the big moment arrived… there was a puff of purple smoke and Orli and the Hobbits stepped out onto the stage.

Orli, the lead singer, went to the microphone and started to sing.

'HARK! The Wooden leg is here!

She comes armed with folding chair!'

The Hobbit's joined in with guitar (Merry), drums (Pippin), saxophone (Frodo) and… um, garden gnome (Sam). They all sung 'HARK!' very loudly, very out of tune and a little behind Orli.

'HARK! She stumbles through the Glass corridor!

HARK! She is a Dude of Gondor!'

Hermione was bouncing around on her chair shrieking 'Ooooh!' and 'Aaaaah!' each time Orli made a sudden movement. Harry had already become so bored with the concert that he had tried to jump out of a window, except of course, you don't get windows in dungeons, and Ron was subtly trying to catch Sam's eye and not getting very far.

Merry played a very loud cord on his guitar and stepped forwards, slipped and landed face-first in the audience.

'Oooooooooooh!' said Hermione, as Orli attempted to pull the hobbit back on stage. Ron noticed her eyes were glazed over.

'Owch!' yelled Merry.

'Och aye!' shouted Pippin in a Very Glasweigen Accent. 'Yah pullin' his arm oot!'

'HELP!' squeaked Merry, who was now dangling half on and half off the stage, and was tangled up in Orli's arms. You may not think this was a very bad position to be in, but when you are only 3 foot tall, it can be very serious indeed.

'I'll help you!' yelled Ron, going into Super-hero mode. He dived towards the stage, arms outstretched. Unfortunately, he slipped and made a grab for the nearest thing to support himself. The nearest thing just happened to be Sam's trousers.

'OOOOOOOHH!!!' screamed Hermione, totally diverted from Orli for a second, while Sam did his best to cover himself with his garden gnome. Hermione wasn't the only one saying 'OOOOOOOHH!!!', quite a few were. And some Slytherins were saying 'Wehay!'

At that moment, Orli became aware that he had a hair out of place. He forgot all about poor Merry and let go of his arm.

'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' yelled Merry as he hurtled downwards.

'Oh no!' cried Frodo. 'He's fallen to his death!' All the hobbits, (including Merry,) proceeded to have simultaneous hysterics. Pippin was half way through sobbing into Sam's discarded trousers when he noticed something.

'Och! Are you no meant to be dead, hen?' he said.

But as Merry seemed very much alive, they helped him back on stage and continued with the concert.

'Now this next song,' said Orli. 'Is for a very special person.'

Several people shouted 'ME!!!'

'My fiancée, Asia.'

Dumbledore burst into tears. 'What does she have that I don't?' he wailed.

'There, there.' Said Snape, patting him on the head and trying not to cry himself.

At that moment, the author Apple Stroodle and her sidekick, Asia leapt into the story through a strategically placed plot hole. Asia grabbed Orli, pinned him to the floor and covered him in passionate smooches. Apple Stroodle seized Frodo and jumped back through the plot hole, which then disappeared. Orli and Asia were about to make their escape through said plot hole, when they discovered it was no longer there.

'AAH! What shall we do?' cried Asia. 'Where's the plot hole?'

'There it is!' yelled Orli pointing at a nearby window, (which Dumbledore had suddenly been purchased from the Hogwarts residential door-to-door-window salesman on a whim, and also so that the rest of the story will make sense. More sense than usual anyway. He might as well not have bothered). He dragged her to the window and they both leaped out.

'Hooray!!!!!' cried Lizzie, who had mysteriously apparated much to Hermione's discontent, (but you know, say the plot bunnies, screw Hermione. Not literally of course you filthy people). 'Now Ron is mine!'

"What shall we do?!!!!" screamed the crowd. "They took Orli and Frodo!"

Suddenly a bright spark pointed out a pointy point that was so sharp you could get a painful injury on it.

"I say!" said the Bright Spark. "You don't get windows in dungeons!"

And so Asia and Orli shot back through the wall where the window had been. However they didn't seem to mind this, and proceeded to treat the crowd to a display of tonsil tennis.

'BOOO! HISSSSSSSS!!!!!' said the crowd.

'Wow!' said Harry. 'PORN!'

'Ick' said Ron.

'WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' screamed Hermione, throwing herself at Orli and trying to pull Asia off. Several other girls and Professor Snape followed her example. All attempts were in vain. Asia remained surgically attached to Orli's mouth. Eeew.

'HELP!' cried the audience. 'The show can't go on without Frodo and Orli!'

'Quick, Ron!' hissed Hermione. 'You're the hero of this story, you think of something!'

'Am I?' asked Ron, who had no idea he was in a story. But there you go, Hermione was cleverer than he was.

'Yes.' Said Hermione.

'Oh.' Said Ron. Then feeling he should say something else he said, 'What shall I do then?'

'Honestly.' Said Hermione.' Look in Hogwarts; a History.'

'I might have guessed.' Muttered Ron. 'Where can I find a copy of Hogwarts; a History?'

'Borrow mine,' said Hermione, handing him the book. Ron started searching under 'Disappearing Boybands'. Unfortunately, there is no chapter called 'Disappearing Boybands' so he couldn't use it, so he didn't; I just made that last bit up, haha.

Anyway, in the hour of need, Harry had an idea. 'Aha!' he said. 'I have an idea.'

'Oooooh!' said everyone. 'Do tell.'

'Me and Ron will be in the band!!' said Harry, as if this was obvious.

'Oh.' Said everyone, trying not to sound disappointed. This effect was slightly ruined by Professor Dumbledore and Professor Snape, who were sobbing on each other's shoulders.

'IT'S NOT FAIR!!' squealed Dumbledore. 'I WANT TO PLAY SAM'S GARDEN GNOME!!'

'There, there.' Quibbled Snape. 'I know just how you feel.'

Anyway, Ron and Harry got up on stage with the band. Harry picked up Frodo's discarded saxophone and Ron, being the hero, stepped over Asia and Orli, winked at Sam who blushed scarlet, and started to sing.

I say he started to sing but there was really a very long pause before he did sing. Ron had discovered stage fright. He had also discovered he couldn't sing and that he didn't know the words anyway, even if he could sing, which he couldn't.

'Hermione!' he whispered. 'What do I sing?'

'Announce the song!' Hermione prompted.

'But I don't know what to sing!'

Hermione thought. This truly was A Fatal Flaw.

'Sing… Song of Songs!'

'Right.' Said Ron. 'This next song is called… um… Thong of Thongs.' He turned to Hermione, 'did I get that right?'

Hermione put her head in her hands.

Ron started singing. He didn't know the actual words to Song of Songs, so he thought he'd improvise.

'My boomerang won't come back.

They're coming to take me awaaaaaaaaaaaay Hahahahahaha'

'I wish they would' said Dumbledore.

Ron then proceeded to do a dance, complete with high leg kicks. Unfortunately, he had forgotten about Orli and Asia, who where still removing each other's tonsils on the floor. Ron went flying as his foot connected with Orli's head. He went right across the stage, and ended up in Sam's arms.

'Well hel-lo there' said Ron.

'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!' shrieked Lizzie, who fell to her knees and proceeded to viciously prod Sam's overly large stomach.

At which point Ron noticed Lizzie's ravishing beauty, fell instantly in love and married her there and then.

'NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!' screamed Harry. 'RON!!!!!!!!!!!!' and, so saying he proceeded to dive out of the window, which had conveniently appeared again. This was, as you can by now probably tell, a very confused young window, not yet versed in worldly ways and, that it is as yet unsure who it is, what it is, what is it's purpose in life and how best to fulfil it, or even simply why the Boy Who Lived is soaring through it. 'God, look at yourself man' itmused 'Y'know you gotta stay off the crack.'

'HAAAARRRRRRYYYYY!!!!!!!!' yelled Ron. 'COME BACK!!!!!'

And, as he had in fact jumped out of a window in a dungeon and was therefore unable to fall anywhere, Harry crawled back through the window which vanished for the last time. He and Ron kissed and made up, though not too much as Ron was now a happily married adolescent and everyone lived happy peaceful lives largely undisturbed until one day Apple Stroodle crawled back through the plot hole with Frodo and a slightly swollen midriff….

The End

for now anyway…

:::::A/n::::: I'm BACK!!!! THE STROODLE MIESTER HAS OFFICIALLY LANDED!
Hope you enjoyed it and will you please welcome back Ron who will guide you through the disclaimer….

:::::R/n::::: At the request of my lovely wife I am now reinstated in my job, seeing as how, now me and Lizzie are married, we need the money for, well, y'know…

:::::A/n::::: I'm sorry, did you say money? So you want to be paid now you little scrounger? As if I haven't done enough for you already etc!!! (Raves faster then she can type and eventually implodes with effort)

:::::R/n::::: So, back to the disclaimer. She owns NOTHING in this story except the unborn Frodo junior and possibly Frodo himself, but I don't think we want to go into what happened in that plot hole do we???

:::::A/n::::: (from the floor, in quibbling pieces) SHUT IT NECKFACE!!!

:::::R/n::::: and that line is from Black Books, starring Dylan Moran and Bill Bailey, which is v. good

:::::A/n::::: GET BACK IN YOUR WORM!!!!

:::::R/n::::: As is that…

:::::Final note ::::: Should you happen to be an admirer of Orli, please, feel free to substitute your name for Asia's, and don't forget to enjoy the great feeling of well-being it gives you… Hasn't that just made your day…