Legendary Bloopers: Randomness Prevails
Chapter 10: Going Up/The Thecret Thinithter Alliance
PART 2
(meanwhile…)
THE TOP OF DEATH MOUNTAIN
(THE PLACE WHERE YOU HAVE TO THROW THE BOMB FLOWERS DOWN)
(still Hyrule field music)
Link: So you and the Secret Sinister Alliance are at war?
Goron (hereafter known as Zozo): Yup. See, the tektites claim that they own the red sparkly stone, and Darunia said no, they don't, and ever since then Sir Thwack has been attacking us and trying to kill us off to get it.
Link: Sir Thwack? (in head) Hmm. A red sparkly stone. That sounds oddly familiar…
Zozo: Thwack is their leader.
Link: Oh. Anyways, what's that purty flower over there? (reaches over to poke the bomb flower)
Zozo: NO, DON'T DO IT!!!
(BBBAAAANNNGGGGG!)
Link: (sizzle)
Zozo: (smirk)
Link: (stares at the spot where the bomb flower was)
Bomb Flower: pop! (reappears)
Link: NEATO!!!! AWESOME!!! (pokes bomb flower, watches it explode, and smiles with glee as it reappears)
Link: it's magic! The purty exploding flowers are magic!
Zozo: Whatever you say, kid.
Link: (attempts to lift it) uuuhhnn, I can't lift it!
Zozo: You'll have to see Darunia about that. He's the only one with the bracelets.
Link: Oh. If I get bracelets, can I lift the purty flowers?
Zozo: Uh huh.
Link: Okay, cool. Hey, have you seen an annoying fairy with a broken wing around lately?
Zozo: Nope, sorry.
Link: (lightbulb goes off - ding!) What about an oddly shaped red stone? This princess says I need one…
Zozo: That I have seen. Darunia has it. The tektites want it.
Link: Gee, thanks! (runs off)
Link: (muttering under breath) As much as I hate her, I wish Navi was here. She'd know what a Darunia is!
(meanwhile…)
SECRET SINISTER ALLIANCE COMMAND BASE - PRISON
(ditto. nothing.)
Navi: (rubs head) uhnn, what the heck? Where am I?
Bobbert: (wakes up from his nap suddenly) Wha? Thir Thwack! Come quickly! The fairy hath thtirred!
Snick: (runs into the room) What you thay, Bobbert? Did the fairy tell you what a lithp ith yet?
Swack: (skids to a stop in front of the cell) Yeth, Guardthman Bobbert, did it thay anything?
Navi: (looks around in confusion)
Bobbert: Nah, Thir Thwack, all it thaid ith; 'uhnn, what the heck? Where am I?'
Snick: Aww.
Swack: (peers at Navi) You! Fairy! Tell uth, what ith a lithp?!
Navi: Never!
Swack: Yeth! Tell uth!
Navi: No.
Snick: Yeth!
Swack: Let me do the talking, thtupid!
Bobbert: Fairy, you will have nothing to eat or drink until you tell uth, underthtand?
Swack: Very good, Bobbert. Fairy, you will report for quethtioning in 1 hour'th time. Thnick, you take over watching it. Bobbert, come with me.
Snick and Bobbert: (salute) Yeth, Thir!
(Bobbert and Swack leave the prison)
Snick: (to Navi) Will you pleathe tell me what a lithp ith nooowww?
(meanwhile…)
GORON CITY
(do do, dooo dooo, do do dooo doooo, lol Goron City)
Link: (to a random Goron) Excuse me, do you know what a Darunia is or where I could find one?
Random Goron: (looks at him strangely and scurries off)
Link: (grabs a random Goron) Excuse me, do you know what a Darunia is or where to find one?
Random Goron: (annoyed) This is the fifth time you've asked me, now clear off!
Link: (frustrated) (yells at the top of his lungs) DOESN'T ANYONE FRIGGIN KNOW WHAT THE CRAP A DARUNIA IS???!!!!!!!!
Gorons: (look at him once, then burst out laughing)
Goron 1: (laughing his head off) He's that way, kid. (points)
Link: (runs off)
BOTTOM OF GORON CITY
Link: (pounding on Darunia's door) LET ME IN, YOU HEAR ME!!! LET ME IN!!!!!
Darunia: (no answer)
Link: What the crap? (hears Sandstorm by Darude on the other side of the door, then suddenly it stops in the middle of the song)
Darunia: (on the other side of the door) BANG-BANG-BANG-FRIGGIN-BANG!-THING-BANG!-WHY-BOOM!-CAN'T-BONK!-YOU-CRUNCH!-LET ME-SLAM!-WIN!!!!-BANG-BANG-BOOOMMM…SMASH!!!
Link: (blinks)
Darunia: (stomps around) ARRRGGHHH!!!!
Link: (looks down) Hmm. (sees the royal crest thingie) Hmmmmm… (takes out ocarina and throws it against the door multiple times)
Link: PLEASE-BANG!-LET-BOINK!-ME-SMASH!-IN!!!!-BANG BANG… BOOM!
Link: (pants) (gathers up broken pieces of ocarina) Well, that was one way to use this piece of crap. (waits for reply)
Darunia: (from other side of the door) Who is it? I'm kinda busy at the moment.
Link: Ummm… it's Link.
Darunia: It's open, you know… Link.
Link: Really?
Darunia: Yup. Now if you'll excuse me…
Darunia: BANG BANG BOOM CRASH SMASH SLAM BONNNNGGGG
Link: Errr… (opens door)
Random Goron: AND THAT'S THE END! THAT'S IT!
Random Goron: (meekly) Just kidding.
Darunia: (slamming a DDR mat on the ground while stomping on his PS2)
DDR: Dance- Dance- (bbbeeeppp) Dance Dance Revolution! (bbeeeeppp) Dan-Revolu-Max-Trainin-Dance-Kona-Ligh-Par-Boo!-Go-(beeeppppp) (screen goes black)
Darunia: (glances up at Link, then resumes beating up his DDR)
Link: (blinks several times)
Darunia: (stops suddenly) Phew. What a workout! (turns back on his PS2 and spreads mat back out again, as though nothing happened)
DDR: Welcome to DDR MAX 2! Are you ready to party? Light mode! Go! (Sandstorm begins to play and the DDR guy comes on the screen. The arrows start coming up)
Darunia: (turns the volume as high as it can go)
Link: (covers his ears) EXCUSE ME MR. DARUNIA???!!!
Darunia: (stomps down on the DDR Mat, missing the arrows completely)
DDR: Boo! Boo! Danger! Danger! Booooo!! Come on, you can do better than that! You suck! BOOOOO!!! DANGER BEEP BEEP BEEP!!! Game over.
Darunia: AWWW MANNN!!!
Link: (screaming over the loud music) DARUNIIIIAAAAA!!
Darunia: WWHHHATTT DO YOU WANNNTTT???
Link: SOME BRACELETS AND A SPIRITUAL STONEE!!!!
Darunia: WHHHATTT? I'M KIND OF BUSY AND I CAN'T HEAR YOUU!!!!
Link: I NEED THE RED SPIRITUAL STONE!!!!
Darunia: IM BUSY, COME BACK LATER!
Link: I NEED IT NOOOWWW!!!
DDR: YOU SUCK, DUMBASS. COME BACK WHEN YOU CAN ACTUALLY PLAY. GAME OVER.
Darunia: (breaks into a rage) ARRRRGGHHHHHH STUPID STUPID GAME!!! BANG BANG BANG SLAM SMUSH CRUNCH BLAM SMASH BONK STOMP
Link: CALM DOWN, IT'S JUST A GAME!!!
Darunia: (stops in the middle of throwing the PS2 against the wall) Did you need something?
Link: Yes.
Darunia: Well too bad. I am soooo pissed off right now, what with this friggin game and those tektites! I just want to say-
Link: (grabs the PS2 and puts in a disc) Here. Try this song.
Link: (turns on the DDR: Zelda Mix Version - a/n: warning: real game does not exist. I made it up.)
DDR: Welcome to Dance Dance Revolution Zelda Mix! Choose a song! Great! Start! (Saria's song begins to play and Link gets all perfects)
DDR: Perfect! Perfect! Perfect! Perfect!
Darunia: THAT SONG!! OH! OH-OH!! OHHHHH HOT! THIS MUSIC IS HOT!!! (starts dancing around like a gay maniac)
Link: (stops playing and stares at him; his mouth hangs open and the controller falls out of his limp hangs and hits the floor with a bang)
Controller: (bang!)
Darunia: (calms down) That song is HOT! If I can beat you on DDR in that song, I'll actually listen to what you have to say!
Link: (tries to hide his laughter) So, if… he… ha… you beat me… (snicker) You'll listen to my requests?
Darunia: Yup!
Link: You're on! (pulls out a second mat and plugs it in)
Link: (just stands there)
Darunia: huff puff (tries to hit all the arrows and fails miserably)
DDR: And the winner is: LINK!
Link: What the crap? I just stood there!
DDR: I know! That's why you won!
Darunia: Aww.
Link: (kicks the PS2) STUPID STUPID GAME!!! BANG BANG BOOM-
Darunia: Calm down. I'll still listen to you 'cause you gave me that great song to dance to.
Link: Really?
Darunia: No. But I'll give you the stone if you defeat the Dondongos.
Link: Really?
Darunia: Of course not.
Link: Then what do I do?
Darunia: Hmmm…. I know! Let's have one more go at it!
And so ends the longest chapter I have ever written… hope you liked it! Coming up next: Dondongo's Cavern, finally. I guess Link somehow managed to lose to Darunia, which is some accomplishment lol. Anyway, toodles! :P
empress, who is not gonna make some lame joke this time for once
thanks to pinky for reviewing parts of this beforehand!