Hey! Yeah, I'm alive, honest. I've just got a few little problems--one, I've got four jobs this summer, one which requires me being up by five. Beyond that (I am so not a morning person) I need to spend some time with my family while I can, so I really don't have much time for writing before school starts. It's sad when that's why you want to get to school-so you don't have as much to do.

Oh well.

I'm sorry to those who think this can be resolved quickly. Truthfully, I had the next chapter as the last one, but every time I read it, I felt that it was... passable. Okay. But not good. Something always felt unresolved. I figured out what it is, and sorry again--but they've got a ways to go. Still, I have several chapters ready to be typed up if I ever get a chance--one of my jobs is me sitting there, basically, for nine hours of the day. I read the Sil on Friday, because it was so slow... which is one reason I won't be updating really fast here. Every time I start to think I begin thinking in that sort of language, which just doesn't fit in with this story, so I need some time off. After that, I think things should be pretty smooth--I just got my B-day present early--I'm TYPING on it right now. Totally cool, right?

Thanks to all who reviewed--nice to have you back, Farflung!



Chapter 34

We were five days into the journey back when I could no longer resist the urge to look behind us. Joy paused his horse and waited ahead, as I stared at the vast nothingness before me. I would be able to live, I knew that now. I suppose I'd known it even when I'd told Arwen I could, though I'd thought it was possible I was lying to us both then. Yet, somehow, I just couldn't leave things the way they were.

I loved the stupid elf, and I couldn't wait until the end of the next age to talk to him… though I still had no idea what if anything I would say, whether in ten minutes or ten thousand years.

Joy came up beside me, took one look at my face, and sighed, starting to head back to Gondor.

"No," I murmured. "You have to go back. You miss her too much."

He looked at me sharply, then smiled ruefully. "And you love him too much."

"Way too much," I agreed. "If I loved him any less, I would have gone West long ago… if I still lived." Slowly I lifted my eyes from the land and faced him properly. "Tell her she's far luckier loving you than any other fool of a male elf," I murmured as our arms came together.

He sighed, reaching out to clap his hand—gently—on my shoulder. "And you tell him I plan to hate him forever if he does nothing to stop you from giving up."

"Oh, I've given up on him several times."

He smiled slightly and released me. "But your heart didn't?"

"Sometimes things would be so much easier if the heart would just listen to the brain."

His amusement compounded at my disgusted look, but then he turned and looked back in the direction we had traveled from. "Grace be with you… and maybe some patience for you both," he added, smiling.

"Very funny," I growled, sighing softly. "Have a good journey, my friend," I murmured, nodding my head to him as he set off. With another sigh I mentally shrugged—it was still faintly painful to do so physically, the wound had been quite deep—and urged my horse forward. He flattened his ears and stomped at the ground. "Very funny. Yes, I know I'm headed back. It's where I want to go right now. Now, come on."

With a snort he shook his head and began walking. Not with any speed, though, apparently having decided soon I would turn around again. I didn't mind, really. It gave me some time to think about what I would say when I found Leaf.

'I love you' certainly wouldn't do. After all, it hadn't been enough before. But what else was there? I knew no other words, no other way to explain… According to everyone who had spoken to me—I'd certainly never brought the subject up—it was his place to set things right this time… as it was his fault things were so poor between us now…

Somehow, that wasn't very soothing. So it was his fault. Why had he acted as he had? Because he felt he couldn't trust me. Why couldn't he trust me? Because I'd run from him before. Why had I run? Because the only male I'd really had dealings with in a way that went beyond the everyday nonsense was my father… and he was no model to hold up for future reference.

I wasn't scared of becoming my father, I realized in shock, I was scared of getting too close to someone who was like my father.

I closed my eyes on a tired sigh, and when I forced them properly open again I noticed the sun had nearly fallen to its bed. I stopped my horse, and we found a place to rest, though I kept thinking all night.

Leaf wasn't my father. He had never hit me… he had shaken me, on occasion, but so had others. He had tried to change me, but did so merely trying to help me return to what he thought was normal and natural for all she-elves. He had hurt me… and I had hurt him, in kind.

Day broke in a blaze of glory, and my horse set out a bit more eagerly. By nightfall, we'd come to a bit of an understanding… I wouldn't stop partway, and he wouldn't get cranky. Worked for me. I hadn't decided what to say to Leaf, of course, didn't know if I'd find anything in my head when I actually saw him again, but I refused to dwell on it any longer. Being a bit sore from riding, a small bit of pain from my wound flaring up again, I let sleep draw my lids down, blocking the stars from my eyes. Tomorrow would no doubt look better… it usually did.