Author's Note: Just a random piece of Vaughn angst…post Authorized Personal Part 1 and 2….inspired by Kelly Clarkson's, "Since U Been Gone"
He smiled in spite of himself. He had gone through; this was now the sixth time but always ended up in the same place. All of his belongings that he cared about had been packed away into neat little boxes and stored a safe distance in his car. All of her clothes were still hanging in her closet, all of her jewelry still in its place. He had taken anything of real value and already sold it. That had been taken care of a long time ago. Her perfume still laid on the counter, partially filled. Half empty or half full depends on how you want to look at it. The bed was still made with freshly laundered sheets. Not that it would matter but he already destroyed the sheets that they had last slept on together. Consider it a pre show. The curtains and sheers were drawn closed and all of the lights had been turned out. The mid-day light streamed in and the entire house glowed with the serenity of what was. This had been is sanctuary but it was all defaced now. Every inch of carpeting reeked of her presence and he was reminded of her everywhere he looked.
Months of therapy would never been enough. She would haunt him until the day that he died. Irinia haunted Jack….Noah would always haunt Sydney….it's the way things worked in the spy world. It was filled with dead lovers and haunted lives. Just the way the world would go around. There was nothing he could do about it. He was played by the woman who he thought he loved. And he did love her. He loved the image. The idea. The thought. It should've been a different bride photographed over and over again.
What the hell ever happened to his normal life with Alice?
Five years ago, he was going to propose to Alice in six months. Does that make sense? In April of 2001, he was going to propose. He had made hotel reservations at her favorite hotel and already started to put money down on the ring. It was a beautiful diamond and sapphire three stone ring. But then October rolled around and it goes without saying that they didn't last until April but he managed to get all of the money back from the ring and full deposit from Le Coeur de la Mer, her favorite hotel. Another woman he thought he loved but things didn't pan out. Maybe he had issues.
Dr. Barnett told him he had issues. He had issues the size of small Western states. "This all stems from you not witnessing your parents relationship." She would say in that calming voice.
"Well, my father died. That puts a damper on witnessing a parental relationship." He would retort.
"Yes. Your father did die for his country"
"My father was a fool for his country. I'm a fool for my country." And that's when he stopped going to see Dr. Barnett.
He smiled in spite of himself as he turned the bottle that he held in his hand over and dumped the contents on the bed. The bottle emptied quickly and started to smell horrible. He started to walk through once more, emptying the second bottle in his wake. All through the bathroom where they had showered….the kitchen where they had shared their meals at the cherry wood table….the living room where they had watched movies and talked and eaten ice cream…her favorite was sweet cream and could only be found on the corner market nearly ten miles away…the kitchen where they had spent a good portion of their time….her study….The bottle emptied out and he discarded it on top of her bookshelf. There was another bottle stashed somewhere…. He found the bottle, well more like giant tin, stored in the main foyer. Taking it into his hands, he continued his trail of lighter fluid throughout the remainder of his house. This was his beautiful dream house.
Contrary to popular belief, he loved her. There was all the gossip about it being "too soon" after Sydney but let it serve as a reminder that she was dating Vaughn two years after Danny's death! It was reasonable for him to move on. How many months did Sydney mourn before sleeping with Noah? Vaughn had known. He knew it. He had seen it in her eyes. He knew Sydney would have wanted him to move on. He was going to self destruct. Implode. Explode.
So, now he was walking through his house, breathing in the nearly toxic fumes of gasoline and lighter fluid. He had gone to the hardware store around the block and bought six big containers full and fully intended on using them all. And he did. They covered her books, her pictures, her clothes, her perfectly designed kitchen, and her wedding dress, everything that belonged to her. He wanted her to burn.
If she could do one thing, it would be erased from his memory. He wanted to forget every touch, every sigh, every 't she let him go? Sydney's hold eventually loosen around his neck and he didn't want it to. Why couldn't Lauren's presence just leave him? He wanted to forget her more than anything else. He regretted her like he couldn't even believe and just wanted to be free of her.
He drained the last can of gasoline, feeling it seeping into his skin and tossed his soaked t-shirt onto the couch. "Good bye, Lauren." He almost laughed as he walked out of his front door for the first time, tossing a small, almost insignificant thing behind him. Well, two things. First was a gold wedding band. Second, a lit match.
But since you been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin' on, yeah, yeah
Thanks to you, now I get what I want
Since you been gone