Lost Doves

Three: Unhealthy Desires

Shadows returned to loom over the city, the street-lamps fading and flickering, casting a gray-yellow color onto the pavement.

A girl quickly crossed the street, hurrying her way home. Her soft brown curls bouncing as she turned her head to look behind her, her eyes wide with only half-hidden fear. She didn't know why she was scared, but she had the feeling she was being watched ever since she left her night school.

Indeed, she was being watched. Somewhere, a dark shape moved among the shadows, blending with perfect inky blackness. His progress was slow, but he didn't need to hurry.

He stepped from the darkened alleyway, becoming visible to the young woman who was by now frozen with fear. But, no… it was not only fear. She felt a strange attraction to the hunchbacked figure that had suddenly appeared before her. She felt compelled to him, as if some spell had been cast upon her to which she had no control.

"Wh-who are you?" Her voice trembling as she spoke.

The strange man smiled, thinly, without a hint of cruelness.

"I am your angel…" He said.

As he drew closer, she couldn't will herself to move. She didn't want to. She stared up at that pale, veined, unbeautiful face, and she could do nothing but believe his words.

Into the shadows he drew her, until they were alone and no one could disturb him. She continued to stare up at him, wide-eyed and confused… yet trusting.

He pulled her to him suddenly, moving quickly before the spell could be broken. She gasped, her reaction stunned to surprise, until his fangs were bared and sinking deep into the flesh of her neck. The Kiss took her, and he could feel her body surrender, a soft moan escaping her lips.

He had chosen well. Her blood was pure. Un-tainted. The girl had still been an innocent, and the taste of her was sweet. There was no other victim he could feed from than those so unblemished by life.

The soft beat of her heart was growing fainter, and though he could have drained her dry and left her to rot in the street, he chose to spare this one life.

He drew back, the wound healing shut with one lick. The girl was unconscious, but she was still alive. He would leave her so she may only remember vague details of that night.

He lowered her to the ground, on the sidewalk where she could be found by some compassionate passer-by. If she were found by any beings otherwise, it would not be something that would trouble his mind. He was leaving her to the fates.

He could have easily blamed fate for his own life, but instead he chose to blame everyone else. It was so much easier to accuse the people around him, as they could be punished.

What he had to do was not his own fault. It never was his fault. It was the fault of society, of the world.

Returning to his secluded house, the hunched man found himself alone in his library once more. He had thought much on how to continue his story as he had walked the silent streets, away from his former-prey. There was still much more to tell.

He closed the door behind him and sat at his desk. Here, he unlocked the drawer and retrieved the papers which recorded his half-revealed life.

A pen was found, and he lit the candles anew, letting the scant light be his guide back into his memory.

---

How easy it is for me to remember my Elsa's face. Each of her expressions is imprinted in my mind. Her happiness, her wonder, her determination… her fear.

When I recall her now, she is no longer smiling. I was growing cold and distant before her eyes, but she never really did see the monstrous side of me. Not until it was too late.

Revenge was my first taste of real power, and as soon as I tasted the bittersweet flavor on my lips, I craved more of it.

I was only in my late teens, and still those taunting looks plagued me. It came from other boys my age, mostly. Those that find it amusing to hurt others, and they somehow think it impresses their girlfriends.

Eventually, I came to the decision that I would no longer take the abuse. It was the day I would be pushed too far.

I was already upset that day, and I could not see Elsa for she was far away with her parents for the weekend. I had also been shooed out of the house while my own parents entertained some respectable guests.

And so I was out on my own without a place to go and with hardly a thing to do. Luckily had a book with me, but I still had to find a place where I could sit and not be bothered.

I found a park and sat myself on a bench under a street lamp. The summer air was still and cool in the night, and the park was just how I liked it. Silent. I settled down and opened my book, delving into the pages of history.

A distant shouting disturbed my concentration, and I lifted my eyes with an annoyed scowl. A few drunken college boys were walking home from a bar, roughhousing and laughing too loudly.

"Mindless idiots…" I muttered to myself as I stood up, seeking to get away from the noise. I wasn't quite quick enough.

"Ay! Where are you headed off to, buddy?" They were behind me before I could escape from their sights.

I turned, already glaring, not in the mood to be bothered. "Away from your offensive, moronic carousing, if you must know."

They looked at each other, clearly unsure how insulted they should be. Finally one of the boys glared back.

"Hey, you callin' us morons? Huh, Ugly?" He pushed at my shoulder with a meaty hand.

I stumbled back from them with a faint twitch. "How original…" I muttered. "Did you make that up all by yourself? Puerile ignoramus…"

It was almost beautiful how angry I was making them.

"Don't you have a bell to go ring, Quasi?" One of them sniped back.

I clenched my fists at my side and kept my calm. I had plenty practice of that.

"Don't you all have whores to go home to?" Perhaps I had hit a little too low.

They were upon me like a pack of dogs before I could even turn from their huge sweaty bodies and putrid breath. I was grabbed by my collar while a second fist came in and slammed into my stomach. I was not strong by any means and I crumpled at the force.

"You're gonna pay for that Quasi." Another punch landed into my gut, and then another hit the side of my face. They let go and I was sent reeling into the grass.

Wheezing, I curled onto the ground trying to breathe. A sharp kick landed into my already aching back, and I arched in pain.

"Wait, what was that?" One of them turned from me, and they all stopped, listening. A car was approaching.

"Let's get outta here. He learned his lesson. Freak." A gob of spit fell into my hair but I could hardly notice behind the screen of red pain.

They left me there, running off with whooping cries and cackles of accomplishment.

The car passed, but the headlights passed above me and didn't stop. I curled into a ball, knowing I wouldn't find help in this town, and I would have to help myself.

About a half an hour passed while I lay there in silence, getting my breath back, finding the strength to get to my feet. I tasted blood in my mouth and pain shot down my spine as I righted myself from the ground. I grimaced, but I would keep what I had of my pride. From there I limped my way home, very slowly and achingly, but I made it.

I ignored the looks from the servants as I struggled in through the door, just wanting to be alone in my room. They still fussed to help me since they didn't want my parents upset by my beaten appearance, but I waved them off and slammed my door shut, locking myself inside.

While I was alone, I plotted. I wouldn't let myself rest until I had come up with a way to get back at those boys. I wasn't going to give into the harassment as I had in the past. This time I would have revenge.

Once I was healed enough I went to the college and I found out the boys names. I discovered who their families were easily enough, and from that information I carried out a simple plan.

I sent anonymous letters to their parents and their schoolteachers, questioning the boy's behavior concerning certain acts with drugs and hookers. The amusing part was sending actual prostitutes to their houses and watching their parents and girlfriends gape as the trashy women asked for their money. But I was merciless, and I didn't stop my hidden plans until they were in trouble with both their families and their schools. I even saw them expelled while one boy was actually found in possession of drugs, which ironically I didn't place there.

It was a minor vengeance, but it was the start of something I couldn't stop, and it would eventually lead to more heinous actions. Later I would get a man arrested for a crime he didn't commit simply for tripping me on the street. But that would all be nothing compared to the first time I gave into my darkest desires and ended a human life.

---

It was a Sunday morning, the day after my 19th birthday, (although that didn't have much significance) when a servant girl came into my room and woke me from a fitful sleep.

"Ormand, wake up… I have bad news."

"What?" I didn't really want to be bothered, but I cracked my eyes open at the woman and frowned.

She didn't answer at first, looking concerned. "It is your parents." She sighed. "They did not make it from their flight from Rome."

I sat up slowly, blinking up at her. "What do you mean?"

She bit her lip as if afraid to tell something that would upset me. "There was a plane crash. They have both… passed away."

It was odd, but I really didn't feel any shock or despair, I only stared up at the maid with a blank look. She took that as a sign that I was in shock and she hugged me against her bosom tightly. I flinched at the contact I wasn't used to and tried to pull away.

"Go away…" I muttered, and she let me go from her pitying grip.

She gave me a sad look before she left, and I only wanted to sneer back at her. I was tired of pity, especially when it wasn't needed. I didn't miss my mother and father, and I never would. They had been old and I was expecting them to die soon anyway.

However, it was a blow to my life as I was left with the house, but not the family fortune. Apparently they didn't leave me the money in their wills. The maids all left as there were no more jobs to be paid, and I was left alone. Although I didn't mind the solitude in the huge house, the absence of a provider meant I needed a job.

It wasn't hard finding a starting job as I had an impressive education, but it was hard to get any further with my looks, in times when employers still had no trouble with being prejudice.

I became an assistant for an accounting firm, and it paid enough to get me through my days, but it wasn't the only thing that helped me live.

Elsa was still around.

She was there to see me the day she heard the news my parents had died. I didn't have to pretend I was upset in front of her. She had always known I wasn't fond of either of them and she knew how they had treated me. But it didn't matter, I was grateful for her presence either way.

It was a week after the news of the crash that Elsa agreed to spend the weekend with me in what was now my house.

She greeted me with a warm hug and a comforting smile. We spent the day talking, and later we would settle in front of the television to watch the midnight movie.

She had just slipped off to change. I let her go, but I couldn't resist the urge to follow and hide outside the door. She was even so trusting as to leave the door unlocked and it was left open a crack. And there, I was carefully positioned to spy on her.

From the antique standing mirror in the room, I could see the reflection of her feminine form quite clearly. I could only catch the briefest flash of her pinky flesh as she changed out of her clothes and into her nightgown, but it was enough for me to appreciate her absolute beauty.

She had a body exquisitely flawless and untainted… How could a creature so perfect as her like something so deformed and ugly as me?

I smiled to myself and imagined that I could have her, and that she wouldn't withdraw from my touch, but arch into me with pleasure.

She had paused to brush out her long, red-gold hair, and too quickly she was turning to the door to return to me.

I shrunk back quickly from the door, and I hurried back to the living room couch where she could find me. I grabbed a book and pretended I had been reading while I waited.

"Ready to watch a movie?" She asked me.

I looked up from the book to smile to her. "Yes."

She returned my smile then snuck away briefly into the kitchen and returned with a bowl of popcorn, settling down beside me. We were both hoping for a peaceful night.

Quietly, I leaned towards her, still enchanted by her beautiful form. I watched her as she watched the movie, as the blue light from the television screen flickering over her, softly bathing her features in a warm glow.

I reached my arm around her shoulders slowly, my urge to be closer to her only growing stronger. I kept my arm there, as she had not objected to my advances. Not yet.

I was watching her, how the satin material of her nightgown clung to her perfectly matured body. My fingers drifted to her hair, trailing through her silky curls. Yet the movie shown on the television still had her attention, and I found myself leaning closer, pressing against her.

My face was brought within inches of hers, and I let my lips brush gently against her skin.

Here she paused, blinking at me while my face was held so close to hers. Her hand stilled from eating the popcorn.

"The movie, remember the movie." She said, trying to divert my attention.

There was no lightning here to scare her again into ignorance. She shifted on the couch cushion awkwardly, seeing the apparent strangeness of my behavior.

I glanced away towards the screen at her reminder, but the events of the movie were far less interesting than she was. "Of course." I murmured. But I didn't let go.

I felt her pull from me slightly, trying to put space between us. I could feel my heart going still, as if all my hopes were sinking with such a tiny gesture of repellant. Did I actually think she would naturally want me in return? In my dreams yes, but now?

With the hopes of encouraging her to stay close I grabbed onto her arm as she leaned away from me. I was not successful.

Her jaw tightened and she looked at me. "What is matter with you Ormand?" She sighed.

I could do nothing but frown at her question and at her reaction. It could have been that I didn't understand fully, or that I didn't want to understand. This just wasn't how it was supposed to be. It was wrong.

"Nothing is." I responded quietly.

"Why are you so clingy tonight?" She was frowning at me, her pretty face lined with confusion.

I let her go seeing her expression, and what I thought was hidden revulsion. Feeling a slight twitch under my eye, I looked away.

No. This wasn't how it was supposed to be at all. She was ruining all of my dreams.

"I only... wish to be close to you..." I murmured.

"You are Ormand. No one is closer than you. You're my family and best friend." I knew she meant that as a positive remark, but I felt it as a silent slap.

"And that's all?" I said under my breath, curling my arms around myself.

"Should there be more?"

I paused in silence, gritting my teeth. "Yes..." At least, I wanted more.

I raised my eyes to hers, mixed emotions no doubt written all over my blemished face. I hadn't learned to completely cover my feelings quite yet.

"Do you... love me?" I asked eventually.

She was silent then, considering her answer for a few seconds before she spoke.

"Yes," She said. "But not in a romantic way. I can't... you're my cousin. Besides, you know I am going to the nunnery."

Is this what it feels like to have your heart broken? I wondered.

I turned away from her. It was hard to look at her now. "Can't or won't?"

"Both." She sighed out as if in great anguish. "I am sorry."

I shut my eyes tightly. It hurt. Why was she hurting me so?

"Why?"

"I never want to cause you pain, Ormand."

"But you are…" I could barely breathe.

"I know, but I must. I cannot be with you. You will find another woman who can love you, but I cannot." She slowly stood up from the couch, stepping away from me.

Her words were like cold predictions of a future that would never happen. I couldn't believe them. How could any woman truly love me? Even her, my own cousin, could not. Not how I wanted her to.

I turned suddenly to grab her again, to stop her from leaving. I was being less careful now, becoming blinded by pain and anger. I barely noticed how she winced at my forceful grip.

"No. No one ever has. No one else ever will. Don't you see? You're meant to be with me. Only you can understand." I paused. I did not mean to harm her. "Stay. Stay with me. You have made me happy like no one else has..."

"Ormand let me go please. You're scaring me..."

I wasn't letting go. "I want you to see." I was close to desperation. "I need you. Why do you turn from me?"

"No Ormand, you don't need me." She shook her head, insistent. "I can't. I can't."

"I do. I love you..." I was feeling so hurt and afraid, nearly trembling, but soon, like a demon that plagues me, my anger rose up to the front and took control. "I thought you felt the same. Why are you doing this to me? I thought you were different from the others."

"You love me?" She was shocked. So she never knew, never even suspected. She was cringing away from my angry outburst. "I can't be with anyone. You know that."

"I always loved you..." It was a revelation for me as well. I still had my hand on her arm and I tried to pull her closer, if only to make her realize how I felt.

"Why?" Her bafflement at the thought of my love was almost just as painful.

"You always cared." I answered without having to think about it once. "No one else did. No one." I emphasized. "Why can't I be happy too?"

"They care, but you don't see it Ormand."

"No they -don't-." I snapped, my grip tightening. "Did –you- ever really care?"

"Not everyone is so cold." She flinched at the pressure on her arm. "You're in so much pain."

"I only... want you..." I was trying to be gentle again, lifting her hand to place it against my cheek. Her hand was warm and soft, but violently trembling.

"Ormand, you do not want to head down this path of darkness. You are a much better person than those who have been cruel to you. Please, stop and let me go."

"If I am better… then love me." I didn't want to release her. My heart was aching, and already I was feeling empty inside. Was I really better than all of them? Maybe it was they who were right all along, and I was the monster.

"No." That one word was like the last violent stab in my already wounded heart.

I growled passed the tears that threatened to break free. In a violent motion I pushed her down, forcing my lips against hers in a harsh kiss, as if I could somehow change her mind by showing her my own passion, however angered it had become now.

Betrayal. It was one of the first lessons I would learn. Those that betrayed me would pay. Wasn't that what I had done to all the others? The ones that hurt me, that taunted me, that turned me away…

"No, no no no no!" She was fighting me, doing her best to shove me away and break the kiss.

This wasn't quite like my fantasies. Instead of accepting my touch she was refusing me, and that refusal only fueled me more. I would punish her for making me feel this way, for tricking me into thinking I could love her. How could she do this to me?

I held her down, clasping a hand over her mouth to keep her quiet. Her eyes were wide with terror, and she was fighting against me with everything she had, clawing at me like an animal. Even though I wasn't a strong man, I could still overpower her.

Her desperate pleas stop me as I was ruled by hate at that point. In a rage I tore at her clothes, pushing her more into the couch to keep her still. She was trapped under me, crying fearfully, yet I did not stop.

It wasn't how I had wanted it to be, but I took her anyway. Such an ultimate display of power it is, to rape someone. When their very life is in your hands and their body is yours for the taking. Complete domination.

I believe something died in me that night that I stole away my Elsa's will. When I broke her. It was the death of any lingering ray of hope in my life.

By the time I realized I had my hand around her throat too tight, it was too late to stop. She was no longer breathing. Her heart, which previously beat strongly in her chest, was silenced. A distant coldness filled the room. Her lily-white skin was blue from asphyxiation, and her slender throat was bruised beyond repair.

Slowly, I moved off of her and backed away from her body. My Elsa's body. I felt numbness, and nothing else, not even my own tears as they fell. I didn't want to feel anymore...

The only person who had loved me in any way up to that point was Elsa, and now she was dead by my own hands.

To say that it was an accident would be no excuse, yes, but I had no intention of admitting to the crime. I buried my guilt, and I would never let anyone see how I felt.

I got rid of her body quickly and her disappearance was never solved.