General Jack O'Neill sat at his desk, staring off into space. His mind absently running over his conversation of earlier that morning. He was seriously rethinking the whole 'Commander of the SGC' thing.
Things were different now. And he wasn't sure he liked it.
After getting his brain overloaded for the second time in his life, he'd been ready to quit, to walk away. It felt right. It was…time. But they'd persuaded him to stay, to take on a job he'd never wanted. Heck, a job he wasn't even sure he could do.
They'd insisted otherwise.
"With some help from your good friends and advisers, of course."
The promise implicit that he wouldn't cease to be a member of the team, simply because he no longer journeyed through the 'Gate with them on a regular basis.
Pity it hadn't worked out that way.
Just recently he felt he was drifting apart from them, being left out. Left behind.
They probably hadn't even noticed. After all, it did seem like he was always there these days. He hadn't had a weekend off in months, too damn much to do. Heck, he hadn't even noticed, not at first, not until he looked back.
It had started with the little things.
Being unable to make it to lunch with them anymore, because he was virtually chained to his desk, so they started simply going without him. Sometimes, Daniel or Teal'c would stop by afterwards with something for him and stay and chat for a while, giving him chance to have a break. Then gradually other things caught and held their attention. He phoned the commissary and had his lunch brought to him these days.
When he had five minutes and went to catch up with them, in Daniel's lab or sometimes Carter's, he'd find them already talking and laughing. Without him. It would halt when he walked in. Then they'd spend maybe half an hour trying to bring him up-to-date on what he'd missed, so he could join in.
Team nights out after the end of a mission, team-bonding evenings ordering takeout round each other's places…even they had petered out. Something else he often couldn't make because of time constraints. It wasn't anyone's fault. It was simply the way things were these days.
They did their best to make him feel like he was still one of the team, whenever he was able to join them. But it didn't change the fact that after their little gatherings broke up, he'd wander back to his office, or his cold, dark, empty house and be alone once more. Through no fault of anyone's, he was gradually being left behind.
It hurt.
He was truly beginning to understand the saying of 'it's lonely at the top'. He'd retire, but he'd be even more alone then, than he was now. Once, he'd thought things might be different, that walking away might lead to good things. Not any more.
Because then there was Carter.
o0o
His earlier conversation with Daniel ran through his head. Daniel had walked into his office and stood in front of his desk.
Fidgeting.
It had instantly alerted him that something was up. Daniel didn't have to stand on military protocol. Heck, Daniel never stood on military protocol. By now he should have been slumped in the chair, waving his hands around and babbling at a mile a minute. Out of them all, he was the one whose behaviour towards Jack had changed the least since his promotion. Except maybe for Teal'c.
Jack had got the feeling this was going to be something he wasn't going to like hearing and eventually Daniel had got the idea that Jack wasn't going to be the one to start this conversation.
"Hey, Jack."
"Daniel."
Silence. Hands went into pockets. Followed by eyes screwing up into a squint.
"So, uh…how's it going?"
"Oh, you know. Pick up a piece of paper, read it, sign it. Pick up another piece of paper, read it, sign it…it's a living."
"Ah, that's good. Good."
More silence. Jack could only take so much.
"Daniel…not that I'm complaining about being dragged away from - " glance at the paper, " – monthly admin reports on stationery supplies, but…why are you here?"
A cough. Followed by a puzzled frown. "Stationery supplies?"
"Oh yes. Apparently we go through an awful lot of pencils for a base this size. Sgt. Adams is thinking about putting a lock on the cupboard doors and making people prove they've used up their previous ones before handing out more."
"Bit draconian isn't it?"
"Pre-cise-ly why I told him it was a bad idea. And stop changing the subject."
"So…" The arms crossed and the frown turned into a grimace. "You seen Sam?"
So that's what this was about. "Not recently."
"Ah. Then…you don't know…?"
Sigh. "Know what, Daniel?"
"Um…she said yes. To Pete's proposal."
Pause. Jack didn't respond. He couldn't. Which was totally understandable. It was a little difficult to think of an appropriate response when your world had just been pulled down around your ears.
"Well…good for her."
Yeah, it sounded flat even to his ears.
"Jack?"
"Daniel?"
"Jack?"
Sigh. He couldn't deal with this, not right now.
"Thanks for telling me Daniel. Feel free to pass along my congratulations. Now if you don't mind?"
A hand waved over the ever-increasing, never-diminishing stacks of paperwork. Daniel stared at him thoughtfully for a moment, then pointed a hand at the door.
"Right. I'll…just…leave you to it…"
He turned to leave. And then stopped. "I…thought you'd want to know. That's all."
He was right. He did. And was glad he'd heard it from someone else other than Carter. At least now he was forewarned for when – if – she came and told him in person. He didn't think he'd have been able to handle it if he'd heard it straight from her.
"Yeah…thanks, Daniel."
"You're welcome."
Daniel walked out, closing the door quietly behind him. Jack waited until he'd left the briefing room and was out of sight. Then he lowered his head to the desk and rested it on his arms.
o0o
Which brought him to here. Staring off into space instead of making inroads into the paper mountain currently residing on his desk. He just…couldn't work it out. When had it all gone wrong? Where had it all gone wrong? His mind drifted back to their last real conversation. Before Teal'c got arrested and everything went to hell. As usual.
"What about you, sir? If things were different…"
How could she ask that? Didn't she already know the answer? Wasn't it obvious, f'cryin' out loud?
If things were different they wouldn't be having this conversation. He'd still be part of a happy family with a wife and kid. He'd never have heard of the Stargate and they'd never have met. Which, right now, he was thinking wouldn't have been such a bad thing.
His son would still be alive. Next to which, any other reason paled in comparison. He'd be happy. With Sarah. And he sure as hell, wouldn't be hurting as much as he did right now. Nothing would ever compare to the pain of losing Charlie, but that didn't mean he couldn't still be hurt.
If things were different again, then she'd be Doctor Carter, or he'd be General Jack O'Neill (ret'd.) and they still wouldn't be having this conversation. Because he'd have long since asked her out on that long-overdue fishing trip they were both owed, would probably have pestered her until she agreed and then neither of them would be here.
But things weren't different. So he'd given the only answer of which he was capable.
Because it was the truth.
"I wouldn't be here."
It was all he could offer. Duty demanded his silence, honour prevented him from breaking it.
Looking out of the window into the briefing room, he grimaced as he noticed people starting to arrive.
With a sigh, he forced the maudlin thoughts away. It was over and done with now, no matter how much he wished otherwise. She'd made her decision and chosen somebody else. He refused to come between her and the man she obviously loved.
Not when that man gave her a better chance of having everything she deserved, than anything he was able to offer her. He wouldn't hold her back simply because of unrequited feelings on his part. She'd moved on. It was time for him to do the same.
Somehow. So he'd plaster on a fake smile for her sake, offer his congratulations and pretend it didn't feel like he'd just had his heart ripped to shreds. Wasn't like it was the first time he'd had to do it. Hell, by now, he should be a master at fooling the world.
He stood, pulling his dress jacket from the back of his chair and slipping it on. He glanced out the window as he fastened the buttons and adjusted his sleeves. The room was filling up quickly. This was his life now. He was finally resigned to it. If this was all he'd ever have, then he'd do it all to the best of his ability.
Endless hours of talking around the issue.
Scribbling his moniker on pointless pieces of paper.
Committee meetings.
God help him.
o0o
Jack shuffled the papers on the table in front of him, eager to get this particular form of torture over and done with, so he could get on with some real work.
Or at least what passed for real work these days, he thought wryly. An image popping into his head of all the riveting forms stacked on his desk, requiring his and his alone's personal attention.
Sighing impatiently, he checked his watch and glanced up, looking over the mixed group of people gathered round the table. He bit back a grimace. Damn suits, the lot of 'em.
This was going to be such a fun couple of hours. Not.
He tugged absently at his collar, attempting to loosen the tie which felt as if it was attempting to strangle him.
"Soo…who're we waitin' for?"
He had a brief moment of déjà vu as the answer came from the doorway behind him.
"That would be me, I'm afraid."
He turned, his eyes drawn immediately to the tall dark-haired woman in the sharp business suit who strode confidently towards him, her hand out-stretched. He ran an appreciative glance over her figure, taking in all the important details.
Dark brown hair which fell in waves over her shoulders. Trim figure with curves in all the right places, enticing enough to make him wish she'd remove her jacket so he could have a closer look. Great legs emerging from under a skirt much more revealing than the regulation-issue ones he was used to seeing…
Nice.
There were some things Jack O'Neill didn't mind waiting for, and a good-looking woman was one of them. The prospects for this meeting were suddenly looking better. Way, wa-aay, better, in fact.
"General O'Neill? Kerry Johnson. It's a pleasure to meet you."
Jack accepted her out-stretched hand, returning the handshake. Her palm was soft and dry, fingers warm as they curled firmly round his hand. Her grip was strong and no-nonsense as she shook his hand, meeting his gaze straight-on.
Her gaze was as warm and firm as her handshake. No sign of weakness or intimidation here. Just the barest hint of a challenge as she smiled at him, returning his frank visual appraisal with one of her own.
He raised an eyebrow as her gaze travelled back up to meet his eyes. Her smile edged into a smirk in response, neither embarrassed or apologetic. The answering glint in her eyes telling him she liked what she saw, just as much as he did.
Something sparked and lit into a low fire within him, pooling in his groin at her subtle show of interest. It had been a while since anyone woman had given him that look. Openly, at least. Good to know he'd still got it. He'd begun to wonder if he wasn't getting 'past it' with everything which had happened just recently.
He decided to give her the proverbial benefit of the doubt. Tightening his fingers around hers for a brief second, he released her hand.
"Uh, likewise."
"I apologise for my lateness." Her full lips twisted into a wry grin. "I under-estimated how long it would take me to actually get into this place!"
Jack let his own lips twitch into an answering smile, as he answered her mild jibe with a challenge of his own.
"Oh yeah…our boys take their guard duty ve-ry seriously."
His words earned him an arch of one elegantly plucked eyebrow. Challenge accepted.
"Of course. I assume this particularly applies in the case of visitors of the, ah…female persuasion?"
And successfully parried. It was Jack's turn for his grin to change into a smirk.
"Well, ya can never be too careful these days."
Her eyes narrowed slightly, shrewdly sizing him up. A small thrill ran through him at the look of recognition in her eyes. She knew they were playing the game. And it didn't phase her.
"No," she replied calmly. "I'm sure you can't."
Oh, yeah. At that moment Jack decided he liked her already.
o0o
The loud sound of a throat being cleared caught both of their attentions. Jack looked down the table at the large irritated-looking man in the ill-fitting suit. One of the Pentagon's paper-pushers if he remembered correctly, the man's name temporarily escaping him.
"Well, now that we're all present and acquainted, perhaps we can get started?"
Jack couldn't help but shoot a quick look at the woman stood by his side. She met his eyes briefly, not looking any more impressed than he did.
"Of course." She replied smoothly.
Jack motioned her towards the nearest empty chair, at the top corner of the left-hand side of the table. Conveniently situated next to his at the head of the table.
As she sat down, Jack caught the small shake of her head and the hidden roll of her eyes as she pulled a manila folder out of her briefcase.
He shuffled the papers in front of him. Keeping his head down in a pretence of scanning through them, he coughed to cover up the grin which spread across his face.
Maybe these monthly 'Oversight Committee' meetings wouldn't be so bad after all.
End