Mudblood Scum
When I was thirteen years old, my father sat me down and had a "talk." It is almost as ludicrous as it sounds; but then, even Malfoys must learn the facts of life. Of course, I already knew most of it – lock six boys in a dormitory together and they soon learn the wonders of masturbation – but my father gave his chat an additional spin.
"Boys will be boys," he said, "and will think with their pants rather than their head. There may be some very pretty muggleborn girls out there, but remember – if you do bed them, make sure you are in no way responsible to them. It's all very well to appreciate the feminine physique of your lowbred compatriots, but for God's sake don't end up with a half-blood whelp calling you Daddy." He paused here, and smirked. "So, in other words, if you have to fuck the mudblood scum, do take precautions."
Yes, my father warned me to practice safe sex. It sounds so marvelously preposterous. But then, as he said, even pureblood wizarding sons of the highest repute will, from time to time, think with their dicks.
For example, Granger has a great ass, but I have sense enough to keep my peter in my pocket with her; Potter and the Weasel are always so damned protective of her – but of course, Weasley would just love to be a blood traitor with that one, not that I blame him, given Granger's very, very nice ass.
Slytherin girls are a different story. While it might be fun to have a few hours alone with Granger (though hopefully not with her wand; for a mudblood, she throws a good jinx), the same tricks cannot be played with girls from nice families. The Parkinsons, for example, would be most unhappy should I impregnate their daughter. How glad I am that Nott deigned to show us the spermicitis charm; it made convincing Pansy to enter into coitus with me so much the easier. Not that I want to spend all that much time with Pansy.
There are, unfortunately, not that many interesting girls in my year. There's Pansy Parkinson; there's Millicent Bullstrode – ha!; there's Caroline Mandler, but she's so obviously mooning after Nott; there's Regina Avery, but her father's in disgrace and she's fat as a cow; there's Sonia Dolohov, but her father is in favor with the Dark Lord, and she's such a prude my chances with her are nil if it's not her wedding night.
Mudblood scum, therefore, is suddenly so much more attractive.