Part II: WTF? A Lump of Coal?

Rikku, Yuna, and Lulu are in some strange random house with several Christmas decorations including a tree with a ton of presents under it, glimmering lights, stockings over the crackling fireplace, and some cookies and milk on the table. Rikku, who instantly notices the cookies and milk, devours them in a flash.

Rikku, with her face stuffed, says, "Delicious! Santa is WAY too fat eat these anyway."

In disgust, Yuna says, "What a slob...Oh, I forgot to say...What are we doing in this house anyway?"

"I have no idea," replies Lulu. "But look at all these presents under the tree!"

After eating the cookies and gulping down the milk, Rikku says, "It's Christmas Eve! Let's open them."

In agreement, Lulu says, "We should open them; nobody else is here."

Yuna disagrees and says, "We shouldn't. Let's wait until tomorrow. It wouldn't be right..."

Lulu pimp-slaps Yuna and says "Shut up, you! We're opening them!"

Still in disagreement, Yuna says, "Hell no! I forbid you to open those presents!"

"Do you think I'm gonna listen to you! You got another thing comin' missy!"

Lulu then z-snaps her fingers.

"Well, if it weren't for me," says Yuna. "Then Final Fantasy X wouldn't have a sequel and make more money, NOW WOULD IT?"

Rikku shrugs her shoulders and says, "She does have a point, Lulu."

Lulu then bitch-slaps Rikku and says, "Don't take her side! WE'RE OPENING THEM...OR ELSE!"

All of a sudden, Lulu's eyes begin to glow red and everything in the room began to shake violently.

In a panic, Yuna says, "All right, all right! Let's open them!"

Lulu, who is now back to normal, says, "I thought you were going to say that."

Yuna, Rikku, and Lulu rush to the Christmas tree to check the tags on the gifts. Rikku reads a tag that says 'To Rikku, From Tidus'. Rikku shrieks in delight.

"Lookie! I got a present from Tidus!"

Yuna, who is now very pissed says, "Why the hell would he give a present to YOU!"

"I don't know..." Rikku replies. "I'll go ahead and open it."

In deep anticipation, Rikku quickly tears in the wrapping paper into shreds and opens the box. To her dismay, the gift that Tidus gave to her was none other than a lump of coal.

"WHAT THE HELL? Why did he give me a lump of coal? That piece of crap!"

Yuna and Lulu are speechless. Tidus suddenly walks into the house wearing a Santa's elf costume. He is covered in thick snow.

Tidus, who is very confused, wonders to himself, "Why am I in this house? Why am I dressed like this? Is the moon really made of cheese?"

Yuna and Lulu begin rolling on the ground in uncontrollable laughter.

"HAHAHAHA! Tidus is an elf! All he needs now are the pointy ears!"

Rikku, with evil grin on her face and steam bellowing out of her nose, charges towards Tidus and puts the lump of coal up in his face.

"Tidus, YOU WILL DIE. Why did you give me this frickin' lump of coal?"

"Ummm...that's not a lump of coal," replied Tidus. "It's a Dark Matter."

Rikku shouts, "HOLY BANANAS!" in utter disbelief. "I had no idea...thank you Tidus. This will go great in my 'Pretty Rocks That I Don't Bother Needing and I'll Never Use' collection."

Tidus gives a sigh relief. Yuna suddenly notices a gift marked 'To Lulu, From Wakka'.

"Hey look! This one is for Lulu and it's from Wakka!"

Lulu is instantly shocked and snatches the box from Yuna. She quickly opens it.

"Oh. My. God..."

Everyone is now intrigued asks, "What is it?"

Lulu turns around with tears in her eyes.

"It's a vibrator! I always wanted one!"

Lulu begins to cradle the vibrator in her arms back and forth.

"What the hell are you doing, Lulu?" asks Tidus.

Wakka suddenly walks into the house dressed as Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, antlers and all. His nose is actually blinking bright red.

He waves at everyone and says, "'Sup ya?"

Everyone is staring at Wakka, actually, his blinking red nose.

"Ummm...you will stop staring?"

"Why are you dressed like that, Wakka?" asks Rikku.

"It's for Christmas; DUH," replied Wakka.

Wakka notices the vibrator that he gave to Lulu in her arms. She is still cradling it.

"I see you got my present, Lulu. Aren't you gonna try it?"

"Tonight!" replied Lulu. "I can't wait!"

Everyone is now staring at Lulu and Wakka in a very strange manner. Tidus is now puking in a corner.

"Ohhh...My virgin ears..." he moans.

Wakka and Lulu both say, "Show's over folks! Nothing to see here!

Everyone is still staring at them.

"Stop that!"

Auron suddenly walks in as Frosty the Snowman. Everybody is laughing insanely at the sight and starts singing "Frosty the Snowman".

"Okay guys, you had your fun," says Auron.

Auron then notices some of the presents opened and shouts, "What are you doing! You are not supposed to open those until tomorrow!"

Everybody goes up to Auron and pimp-slaps him one at a time. Auron's face is now a rosy pink. Lulu then notices a present with green wrapping paper marked 'To Yuna, from Seymour'.

"Hey, this is for you, Yuna. It's from Seymour."

Yuna, with her face full of scorn, takes the present.

"God dammit, I guess I'll open it."

Yuna opens the box and she sees a beautiful diamond ring. Yuna throws the ring into the fireplace. Lulu screams in horror.

"Why did you do that! That was a stunning ring."

"So what's your point?" replied Yuna.

"You could have given that ring to ME!"

Seymour suddenly comes in, sobbing like a little girl.

"How could you Yuna! That ring was for you! I thought you loved me!"

Yuna stood there silent until she finally said, "Ummm...NO. Sorry Seymour, but you annoy the hell outta me and I hate your guts. I mean, LOOK AT YOUR HAIR!"

Seymour strokes his hair with a cheerful disposition.

"How could you say THAT? My hair is beautiful!"

Everyone shook their heads in disapproval.

"What are you talking about? Your hair is EXTREMELY ugly!"

Seymour began bawling and ran out of the house.

"You guys are SO mean! I guess my only friends are Barbie, Ken, and Irvine..."

Back in the house, everyone was laughing until Yuna got a brilliant idea.

"Hey! Let's go throw snowballs at Seymour!"

Everybody cheered in agreement. As everyone began running outside, Seymour was still crying as he was about to leave the driveway of the house. The front yard of the house was completely covered in milky white snow. Without Seymour looking, everybody began to make snowballs. When everyone got their snowballs ready to throw, Yuna began a countdown.

"One...two...three...FIRE!"

One by one, everybody pelted Seymour with icy snowballs. Seymour screamed in pain after each snowball hit him.

"Stop it, you meanies! Wahhhhhhhh!"

After this, Seymour fainted and fell into the snow.

Disappointed, Rikku proposed, "Hey! Let's go tie him up with Christmas lights and hang him upside down on a tree!

Everybody laughed evilly after hearing Rikku's idea. Auron, Tidus, and Wakka picked up Seymour and put him back into the house. Everyone began wrapping his body with sparkling Christmas lights. Everyone then brought Seymour back into the front yard and began tying him to a nearby oak tree by his feet.

"This is going to be SO funny," chucked Auron.

"Sure is!" replied Tidus. "Even more than that one time we dropped him into a pit of crocodiles."

Seymour is now completely covered in the Christmas lights and hanging feet first in the tree. Everyone is laughing uncontrollably until Rikku got ANOTHER idea.

"Let's turn him on!"

Everybody then stared at her in disgust.

"What?" stuttered Rikku. "I meant the lights!"

Everyone gave a sigh of relief. Lulu then found the cord the plugged the lights on. Seymour glimmered in green, white, red, blue, and yellow.

"What a beautiful sight, ya..." said Wakka.

After the spectacle, everyone proceeded back into the house to open the remaining presents. Miroku-san (the author) appears, floating in front of Seymour, who is still unconscious.

"I will kill Seymour!"

Miroku-san disappears for a split second and reappears with a bucket full of kerosene. He drenches Seymour with the kerosene and lights a match. Seymour ignites in a huge ball of flame.

"EEEEEEEEEEEKKKK!"

As Seymour burns in horrible pain, everybody back in the house is drinking eggnog and sitting by the fireplace, sharing the holiday spirit.

"SOMEBODY HELP ME! IT BURNS!"