Thanks for Sonya who beta this for me, you did a great job. Hugs!!!

And as for KittenBug497 thanks for all the great ideas and feedback!!!

The song: Forgive Me By Evanescence.

Chapter 13

Realization hit her as a singled tear slide down her cheek. They weren't themselves, Angel was thinking about her from five years ago. The current Buffy, not her and she was thinking about Angelus. The Angelus who had ruined her for others…for Angel. From Angelus, she learned to feel with ever fiber in her body, the Angelus Buffy hadn't had a chance to know and now it was clear to her. She doesn't belong in this reality, not anymore, it wasn't her life.

She used all her strength and pushed Angel from her, he looked stunned and hurt.

Cause you were made for me

Somehow I'll make you see

How happy you make me

I can't live this life

Without you by my side

I need you to survive

"It's not me you need" she accused. It came out bitter. Just the way she was feeling but she still hadn't meant for it to be heard.

"Yes, I do. I NEED YOU!"

"No. I don't need you and you don't need me…"

"Oh, so now I'm not good enough? Buffy, are you still waiting for your precious Angelus?" now he was the one who sounded bitter.

She cleaned her cheek, erasing the tear as if it were nothing but an annoyance.

"How dare you? You know nothing about me and Angelus!". She softened as she saw his expression, "I am sorry Angel, I've changed… it isn't up to me anymore".

Can you forgive me again

I don't know what I said

But I didn't mean to hurt you

He looked as if she slapped him, "So help me understand Buffy! Help me understand how you prefer to be with my demon and not with me? How you're missing him, how you want him to fuck you…yes, don't look so stunned, I can smell him on you Buffy, so don't stand there and pretend that you don't want him."

"You are right. I can't say that I don't want him because I do. I need him. I miss him but it's only because…"

I heard the words come out

I felt that I would die

It hurts so much to hurt you

"What?" he snarled, "he's giving you multiple orgasms? He's buying you clothes and jewelry?"

"STOP!" she screamed, "Angel, I refuse to believe that you, of all people, would think that…that you would ever think so little of me because it's…like you don't know me anymore."

Each time I say something I regret

I cry, I don't want to lose you

But somehow I know that you will never leave me

"You are right. I don't know you anymore Buffy" he voice was bitter, disappointment purred from his mouth. She couldn't stand it; she couldn't stand him treating her like this.

"I don't know you anymore Buffy; I am trying hard to understand. I know that Angelus has a way of seducing and getting things his way, but this…it's like you really do need him, more then you ever needed me and…"

"You can't stand it" she said it without bitterness, without any gloating or laughing at his face; she said it with sadness and deep understanding.

"I guess I am more human then people consider me." He sighed.

"There are things you don't know Angel, things that happened between Angelus and I, things…"

"Then tell me, damn it!" he growled. He was so close now. All the bitterness and disappointment that always surrounded them gathered up into a maelstrom of emotions, he couldn't hold back anymore, he wanted her to want him.

Before she had a chance to respond he crushed her mouth with a cruel, possessive kiss, she wanted it but her mind screamed no.

She pushed him away from her in shame as tears fell on her cheeks.

"Don't you dare, Angel."

"Go" he shouted, "go back to your Angelus!" he spat, "Go be his who…"

She slapped him hard, sending him crashing to the wall. He gathered himself amazed to see her green eyes shooting daggers at him, the hatred and anger he saw there frightened him.

"You don't understand Angel. It's not up to me…" her voice was trembling…" we preformed the ceremony…I didn't know what I was getting into…"

He looked frighten even to ask but he had to, "What…What are you talking about Buffy? What ceremony?"

There was a brief silent.

"The 'Nisuyim' ceremony".

"No…" he stumbled and hit the wall, cold fingers gripped his heart as her words took full speed and the meaning hit home "It can't be done, Buffy!" he shook her, holding her shoulder with a bruising force, force which was less worse then the look in his eyes. "Buffy…baby…you didn't…"

Then you look at me

You're not shouting anymore

You're silently broken

I'd give anything now

To kill those words for you

He held her close to his heart while she sobbed, his heart was breaking.

"I…had no choice Angel…please forgive me, love…forgive me…forgive me…"

So stay with me

You look in my eyes and I'm screaming inside

That I'm sorry

And you forgive me again

You're my one true friend

And I never meant to hurt you

He rocked her as she cried and cried, soothing her and saying words of comfort.

"Everything will be all right baby, I promise." He kissed her forehead and carried her to the couch and laid her down.

He knew now what he would need to do for her and it broke his heart all over gain. He couldn't do that to her, never. Right?

And you forgive me again

To be continued…???