Chapter Two

How it all started

As soon as I emerged from the airport, as soon as I felt the cool rush of an evening breeze brush past my face and into the air-conditioned airport, I felt something else. Something I had so yearned for so long. It had been long. Yes, long. I pushed all the tiredness out of my mind, heart, soul and body. Out you go, stupid tiredness! What replaced the inside of me felt so familiar, yet so new. Freedom. I needed space from my life. From my overprotective mother. From seeing my father being pushed by my mother. From my boyfriend. Oops, my mistake. My ex-boyfriend. From betraying best friends. But perhaps, most of all, I guess I needed to get away from me. Who I had morphed into. For a while. Of course it wasn't permanent. I think I'm still a spoilt kid, I thought to myself and tucked an irritating strand of fringe behind my ears. Well! What exactly could I do about it? I sighed. Then I became a little cheeky. All I could do now was … have fun! I tightened my backpack and skipped out of the sliding glass doors. Freedom. Again, it hit me just as the wind had slapped me in the face. It was a good thing, I reminded myself.

I hadn't been to Japan for a while. I now am, I thought giddily to myself. This was exactly what I needed. You could never guess how tired I was, Nathan! It was a whole world of pretend. It was a world where I smiled when I was breaking down inside. A world where I pretended my life was perfect when it was actually so turned upside down, I couldn't find my place anywhere. It was a world where I dreaded looking forward to a new day, because it would be a day full of lies I had to lie. I hated it. But I couldn't break out of it. Sometimes I see the lives I actually help to ruin and I feel so weird inside. I was so cold, I realized. I felt so damp inside. Wet and everything was mossy. I was disgusting. I was incorrigible. And then I look at myself and see that I was not having any fun anyway – a waste of time. I could still hear the words Pam screamed to me one day. "You're nothing more than a fake! I don't see you being truly happy anyway! That's probably why you want to pull us down, so that nobody else can be happy. You pull everybody down, you … you … you insecure fake!"

I can still feel that emotion rushing up to my head. It wasn't anger. It definitely wasn't. I was embarrassed, shocked and stunned. She had hit the spot. It was the truth. But still, I wasn't going to let her see me. Typical, wasn't it? I could feel my urge to punch her and yell, "So what? You goin' to tell me how to run my life now?" But no. I had to keep my cool. I had to be the girl everyone thought I was. I was just going to shrug it off and laugh like it didn't matter. Then everybody would be saying, "Pam's so stupid." "Pam's just so perverse." And while they say that, they'll be saying, "Super-nice Sayu didn't make a big fuss out of it." "Yes, nice, nice Sayu." "Unlike Pam." I then brushed past Pam, knocking her shoulder gently, keeping so cool and graceful – taking big, sure strides. But inside, I was shaking. My heart was quivering, as if there was a mini earthquake within me. She grabbed my hand, stopping me from walking away.

"Why? You scared or somethin'?"

I turned around. Be careful, I warned myself. Keep cool. "I'm sorry?" I said, remembering to paste a super-big smile on my lips.

Pam folded her arms, defeated, but still undefeated. It kind of intimidated me – but could Sayu be intimidated? Of course not! "You heard me," her voice said, loud and bold. She probably was thinking that even if she died, even if her reputation was completely ruined, even if she would be scarred for life because high school was a nightmare, she wouldn't care. Because, the truth is, I had already ruined it for her. She probably wanted to murder me then. "Don't smile at me like that. You're so fake!"

I felt all eyes on me – by then, there already was a little crowd which gathered, most probably to see how Pam was making fool out of herself. Or perhaps they were there for something else? I pondered, but couldn't think of another reason. But would it be because … they were curious to see if Pam was saying the truth? "You're so fake!" Pam's words still echoed in my mind. Would they see through me? Well, what happened next assured me that they didn't. Or at least, well, they chose not to.

"Shut up, Pam!" I heard someone else shout from the crowd. "Yeah, just stop talking!" "Don't think you can just talk to Sayu like this! You're nothing but low." No, I was the low one, I thought sadly to myself – but I couldn't bring myself to stop whatever they were saying. I couldn't bring myself to tell them the truth. I was disgusting. I just let them continue bringing her down, while Pam … she must have been completely defeated inside. My eyes were fixed to Pam, who was falling on her knees and tears streaming down endlessly.

I heard her mutter. "She took everything away from me. She took away my happiness and let me live in this hell where everybody was against people like me. She took away my faith. She even took away my boyfriend. I … I …" Then she looked up at me, who was staring down at her. With eyes full of raging hate. But she held it all inside her. She boxed it all up and with a slightly shaky voice, spoke. "Perhaps, life's just this way, isn't it? Like, if we were in the ancient Indian times, where the chaste system was in use, you would probably belong to the kings and princesses. Born that way. And I, will never be able to get out of this misfit chaste. I'm even lower than your servant," she paused, "your Royal Highness." Full of sarcasm. But also, there were hints of the hurt she felt. She was probably sad that she had to say that, but what the heck. She also meant to let everyone see how they were like my little servants.

And everybody had heard what she'd said. They still refuse to see what she had tried to make them see. And I guess that was how I got my nickname – Princess.

I took a deep breath in. Every time when somebody addressed me as a Princess, I'd have that horrid memory flash back. Didn't anybody see how awful it was? It was as if Pam's tears were my pride. But I still stuck my head up, in made-up pride and smile and laugh along.

"So, your Highness is coming along with us?" I heard a girl's voice say loudly in Japanese. (Dear Nathan, since this is a letter, I'm most probably going to translate Japanese to English here.) Out of habit, naturally, I spun around to see where the voice was coming from. A blonde girl. But duh, it obviously wasn't for me. I slapped my forehead. This was supposed to be a vacation! Forget about my life in the 'other' world for a while. As I was about to turn around, I caught sight of the young boy the blonde was speaking to. He saw me gazing at him and held my eyes for a while. He was … I don't really know the proper words to explain how I felt, but he was gorgeous. Simply magnificent. I hadn't seen boys that pretty before! He had the perfect eyelashes framing his beautiful purplish eyes. Those eyes were super-huge, neatly set inside his delicate and small face. His stature was slim, looking rather fragile. It was quite a breathtaking sight, that boy. It seemed like a whole minute passed and the world just melted away suddenly. I can't describe the feeling inside me when I looked into his eyes and he, returning my gaze. t was as if we had met before.

Then another girl popped her head in front of that gorgeous boy's and our eye contact broke. I snapped out of my trance and shook my head, knocking some sense into it. "What're you looking at?" a girl asked. "Did you even hear what we were talking about?" an angrier, irritated voice sounded from the background. "Shut up, fur ball," the gorgeous boy snapped. I had to bite my lip to stop myself from bursting out in laughter at that nickname – fur ball. Guess they had a life. I shrugged. And I guess I had my own life to bother about. I turned around and continued walking. I had to find a hotel, and if I didn't remember wrongly, it would be around …

I took a sharp turn and what greeted me was the sight of towering gates. Glinting golden in the red and orangey, evening sunlight. Inside, I saw the building of a hotel in the midst of swimming pools surrounded by palm trees and other facilities. And beyond all those, I caught a glimpse of a beach. Private. Clean. Full of new people. I saw the ocean glittering, as if there were tiny diamonds scattered all over the surface of it. It was a light blue-green, tainted with the red and orange sunlight. I breathed in what smelt like the ocean. I loved the ocean. It was like, connected with me somehow. I don't know how, but I love the ocean. Imagine all the life underneath. Were there even mermaids? Probably. And then, I also loved to look at sunsets and sunrises, especially near the ocean. I loved the depth of the ocean. Never-ending, it seemed. I grinned and walked through the gates as soon as the security guards opened it. "Thank you! Have a nice day!" I said.

They nodded in return, stiff and stern-looking. "Good day to you, miss."

I walked on and managed to find my way to the main building. I walked straight to a counter and took out my passport and my wallet.

"Hello!" the person behind the counter greeted me happily.

I nodded my head in acknowledgement. "Good afternoon."

"Are you here to check into the hotel, miss? It certainly looks like it." And then she laughed a gay laugh.

"Oh, yes, I am," I replied, smiling.

"What kind of room would you prefer, miss?"

"I'm not picky," I told her cheekily. Her smile grew bigger and she stared on eagerly, waiting politely for me to tell her what kind of room I'd like. "I guess I'll just go for an average room. You know, as long as it has a bathroom and all that necessities. Cupboard. Mini fridge. Dressing table. Of course, a bed."

"Okay," she said and then glanced briefly at her computer screen and clicked this and that. "How long would you be staying?"

"I'm not sure." I paused. "Perhaps now, I'll stay for a week. But then I might change it to two weeks. I don't know. You guys allow that?"

Her smile spoke for itself. "We're flexible, miss, just like most other hotels are," she said confidently. "Of course, all we want is for you to pay the bills cleanly," she added cheekily.

Okay then! I flipped my wallet open and slid my credit card out. I handed it to her. She took it cheerfully and then bent down and did some stuff. I waited patiently, tapping my fingers on the counter. Suddenly, the clerk popped back up and her smile had somehow vanished. In my heart, I knew something was not right. But still, being Sayu, I grinned and pretended that I didn't notice anything was wrong, waiting for her to say something first.

"Your credit card isn't working," she told me simply after a full second of silence. There was a hint of coldness in her voice already.

I almost fainted. My knees grew weak, but fortunately, I was holding onto the counter. I quickly recovered from my shock, springing back. "What? No, I'm sure it's working. Could you please check it again?" Inside, my heart was pounding so hard, it almost came out of my chest. I was praying, when the lady politely bent down again and probably tried to work my credit card. If it was true, I would die! I quickly took out my wallet and frantically tore open all the compartments. I had only a few US dollars and some coins – and they were so little that even if I summed them up, it wouldn't be enough to even stay one night! Needless to say, I was stranded here. Needless to say, I didn't have enough money to get a flight back home. I didn't know what else to think. Or do. The lady came up again. She held out her hand and my credit card. My nightmare has just started, I panicked. I took back my card.

"I'm so sorry," the lady said.