I didn't forget! This chapter was just really hard to write. At least it's twice as long as usual? Only one more chapter to go!
As might be expected, there's a lot of talk about mental health issues, including a brief mention of suicide. Just so you now.
Chapter 5
Groggy and aching, Holly winched up a heavy eyelid. Her apartment was warm with late morning light. She squinted against it and, slowly, it coalesced into shapes: shelves, coffee table, a coffee pot, cups, a bowl of fruit salad. Lili.
"You're awake," Lili glanced up from her comm with a smile that was working hard not to look relieved.
"You went grocery shopping," Holly croaked.
"Darling, there was literally nothing in your fridge. Not even hot sauce."
Holly grimaced. "Yeah, I've been meaning to go for a while now."
"Also," Lili poured coffee into the empty mug, "Artemis has texted both you and me about a bajillion times. I told him you were still sleeping but—" she shrugged.
Pulling herself up to sitting, Holly chuckled. Then she remembered why he was so frantic to get in touch, and her face fell.
"I can go, if you want some privacy," said Lili, correctly interpreting Holly's expression.
Holly shook her head, surprised at the sudden clench of panic in her stomach. "No—Please—Stay?"
This time Lili didn't bother to hide her relief. Snagging the bowl of fruit, she hopped up onto the futon. "Twist my arm, why don't you?" she grinned.
Tucking her head into the dip of Holly's shoulder, Lili watched the other woman pick up her comm from the table and scroll through Artemis' messages. Lili knew from having watched them light up the screen for the past two hours that none of them mentioned the night before. He talked about the twins, Butler, some town called Novi Sad.
Holly sighed and pressed call. Lili tucked herself closer and smiled to feel Holly's arm snake around her shoulders.
"Lili says you've been hassling her all morning," said Holly, almost immediately. He must have picked up on the first ring. "Yeah," she continued after a moment. "I figured as much."
Lili ate a grape.
"Yeah, she's still here….Yeah."
And checked her own messages.
"No, I'm fine. I—"
Blossom had written.
"Seriously, I'm—For the love of—Artemis."
Wanted to know if Lili could come for drinks that night.
"Are you kidding me?"
Lili raised her eyebrows at her comm. He hadn't wasted any time.
"You're taking the piss. You hate—"
Lili texted back that she'd love to.
"Dr. Po? No, you never mentioned him. But you—"
And suggested a place nearer Holly's flat, just in case.
"Well, why don't you do it then? You're qualified. You could be my—"
Two lines of exclamation marks. Apparently Holly had dislocated Roddle's shoulder last night. Lili made a face. Wish I'd seen it happen, she wrote back.
For a long time Holly said nothing. Then, harshly, "Forget about it."
Another long silence, during which Blossom whole-heartedly agreed.
"Yes. You too." Holly's voice had gone soft. Then, almost a whisper: "Don't. I mean it."
Holly shifted, scrubbing at her face with the back of her hand.
"What'd he say?" Lili asked, even though he'd told her ages ago.
The other elf huffed, tossing her phone further down the bed. "He thinks I should talk to a psychologist."
"Yes…" Lili smoothed her face. "He mentioned that."
Holly snorted. "He would."
"So, you don't think it's a good idea?"
"Of course not. What a waste of time. Not to mention money. And him of all people suggesting it! After what Argon put him through?"
"Well, he got better in the end, didn't he?"
"No thanks to that quack." Holly kicked the sheets mindlessly. "Seriously. Who goes to therapy?
Lili thought about mentioning her years spent in and out of hospitals. Instead, she chose to stare at her hands. "I hear you dislocated Roddle's arm last night."
"Ah…" Holly winced. "Yes. I did. Sorry."
"I honestly don't care," Lili shrugged. "He got what was coming to him. I do care, however, that you could get in trouble for something like that. Serious trouble."
It was Holly's turn to shrug. "I had too much to drink."
"And the guy in the street?"
Holly was silent.
"Maybe just…think about therapy?" Lili said as gently as she could.
"Oh, so this is how it's going to go? You two are going to gang up on me?"
"No," Lili shook her head, backpedalling from the hard set of Holly's jaw. Hesitantly, she put her fingers to Holly's throat, felt her tense at the touch. "No. I just…I mean, he is a genius, after all. Aren't good ideas kind of his, you know, thing?"
"He'd certainly love for you to think so," Holly snorted. Her neck relaxed. "Honestly, though, some of his ideas are appalling."
Lili smiled because she was supposed to and let the subject drop. "Well, here's a really good idea: you should shower. You've still got blood on you."
"Ugh, I do, don't I?" Holly wrinkled her nose and felt her face. "Frond, you slept next to me like this?"
"I'm a martyr, what can I say?" Lili sighed.
Holly sat under the hot water for so long, Lili came to check on her. Perching on the edge of the tub, she lathered the shampoo bar between her hands and sank them into Holly's hair.
"You all right?" she asked softly.
Everything about Lili was soft: her voice, her fingers, the feeling that flooded Holly when she touched her. It was so soft, so unbearably gentle, so unbearably loving, that Holly felt the prickle of tears. Abruptly, she shut her eyes.
She desperately didn't want to cry. She wasn't drunk anymore. She didn't want Lili to see her like that—a mess, a wreck. But Holly knew if Lili stayed much longer, if she kept touching her, she would absolutely dissolve.
"I'm fine," she said, gruffly. She leaned away from Lili's hands, trying to make it look natural by reaching for the soap.
"Okay," Lili rinsed the suds off her fingers. Holly ignored the doubt in her voice. "I'll wait for you in the kitchen, yeah?"
"I'll be right out," Holly said to her toes.
After she'd spent a week pretending everything was absolutely fine and dodging any conversation that looked like it might, even in passing, include the word therapist, the gods took pity on Holly. An Atlantean prince on a bender commandeered a human cruise ship and all hell broke loose. Surprising no one, Artemis and Butler got themselves involved, and Holly was immediately dispatched to run both reconnaissance and interference on whatever Artemis' scheme was. She was thrilled. She was also relieved, but she tried to ignore that. Luckily, she was good at ignoring things. She had nearly a century's worth of practice.
During the two weeks it took to contain the situation, the cruise ship crossed the Atlantic twice, found itself, briefly, in the 17th century, and, upon its return to the 21st, nearly took out one of the smaller Canary Islands. Even more importantly, after a fortnight of running on little more than saltines, tinned oysters, and adrenaline, Holly had temporarily forgotten about all the things she'd been ignoring.
Now, sitting on a piece of driftwood, bracketed by the comforting warmth of Butler and Artemis, she watched three Retrieval transporters shimmer into view and felt a familiar creeping dread take hold. She told herself it was the impending paperwork.
The transporters' metal bellies opened, decanting dozens of Retrieval officers, a horde of medics, and nearly as many mindwipe teams. The cruise ship - smouldering farther down the beach - had been fully booked. No one had been killed when it ran aground, but the medics would still have their hands full.
A flash of pale gold caught her eye. She sat up straighter, hissing at the immediate protest from her shoulder. "Is that Lili?" she squinted, ignoring the pain. Artemis and Butler followed her gaze, but before either had the chance to answer, Lili had reached them.
"What are you doing here?" Holly stared.
"Well," Artemis crossed one leg over the other and clasped his hands around his knee so that he could lean back in thoughtful repose. "If I had to guess, I'd posit she's come for your sake."
Holly elbowed him, then bit down on her tongue as pain shot up her arm. Lili frowned.
"Probably assumed you'd done something courageous and nearly got yourself killed in the process," Butler picked up where Artemis had left off. "Not incorrectly, might I add."
"Mm," Artemis nodded sagely. "And, knowing you as well as she does, she's probably realised that you'll have spent all your magic healing others and therefore have none left for yourself after having performed said heroics. Then again," he nodded a polite greeting to Lili, "don't take my word for it. I'm only a genius."
Holly rolled her eyes. It was one of the few painless gestures left to her.
"I love these two," said Lili, healing a gash on Holly's left cheek. When that had vanished, she pursed her lips at Holly's right arm. "Doesn't look broken. Dislocated?"
"Hullo to you too," Holly replied. She hurried to add: "Butler already put it back in."
Lili ignored her, unzipping the front of her jumpsuit.
"It's fine," Holly gritted.
Lili continued ignoring her, easing the sore arm out of its sleeve and moving it gently. Holly made a sound like a kicked puppy. Artemis, Lili, and Butler shared a look that Holly did not appreciate.
"Really, it's—"
"Shut up," Lili said mildly, one hand sliding down to Holly's shoulder blade, blue sparks trailing in its wake. Holly tamped down the urge to rest her head in the crook of Lili's shoulder.
"Shouldn't you be helping the others instead of wasting your magic on me?" she said instead, and jutted her chin at the retrieval units swarming the cruise ship.
"This is frankly a far better use of my magic than healing some human's bruises," Lili sniffed, pulling Holly's uniform back into place. "Besides, officially, I'm not even here."
"Yeah, you never answered my question about that." Holly shifted her arm experimentally and looked disgusted when it moved without pain.
Artemis cleared his throat. "I believe I already—"
"Shut up," Holly told him, but not unkindly.
"Well, if you insist on taking care of others instead of—"
"Frond, whose side are you on, Artemis?"
The scrawny human sighed long-sufferingly. "Only ever yours, Major. Even when that means being on hers," he nodded to Lili, who beamed at him.
"They're right, of course," the blonde shrugged. "I knew you'd have done something recklessly gallant, so I told Trouble if he didn't let me come, I'd arrange for him to spend the next decade eating lunch at Council meetings. And Councilman Bleb is just dying to discuss his plans for those new tramlines."
"Oh, are they finally going forward with that?" Artemis raised his eyebrows. "Excellent. I helped design those, did you know?"
"I did," Lili replied. "She told me."
Artemis looked more pleased than he cared to.
"Anything else need fixing?" Lili asked, hands on hips.
"No," said Holly. Then, softer, "Thank you."
Lili nodded.
Luckily, they didn't need to wait for the medics and the mind-wipe teams: Holly and Lili were packed onto the first transport heading back. This was an enormous relief for Holly, who found watching Artemis and Lili get chummy mildly concerning and very disorienting.
She wondered, honestly unsure, if she was jealous. Or was her unease just the gnawing suspicion that they were going to gang up on her and try to force her into a) therapy or b) an entirely new wardrobe or c) both? Or was it just that she was absolutely and utterly terrified that they wouldn't get along, and she'd be forced to choose? Or was the idea of two people deciding to become friends solely because they both cared for her simply too much for her to handle?
By the time she and Lili were strapped into the back of the transporter, she was no closer to an answer. The ship took off with a lurching roll that spoke of a careless pilot. Holly made a face, but, to be honest, she was glad of the distraction.
Lili chuckled. "Do you want to drive?"
"No," Holly admitted. "These things handle like drunk gnomes. It's no fun."
Lili chuckled, her hand brushing Holly's.
Holly licked her lips. "I—" She cleared her throat. "I come with a lot of strings attached," she blurted.
Lili blinked. "Since you're saying strings and not baggage, I take it we're talking about your obnoxious human-slash-vampire best friend and not your simmering mental health issues?"
"I don't have—" Holly scuffed her boot against the grated floor. "Whatever. The point is, Artemis—I—we're close."
"Close? You're attached at the hip." Lili rolled her eyes. "Look, if I thought he was going to be a problem, I'd never have taken you home."
Holly thought about this. Lili didn't interrupt. Eventually, Holly said, "You don't mind that I…" She strained for the right word.
"Love him?" Lili supplied, eyebrows rising.
"Well, that's a bit—"
"For the—I don't know which of you is more repressed. You two deserve each other." Lili shook her head. "So you have a weirdly intense, mind-meldy, time-travelling relationship with a human. We all have our things, Holly."
"You're making it sound weirder than it is."
"I absolutely am not. Have you forgotten Orion?"
Holly grimaced. "But, see, that's exactly what I mean—"
"Do you love me?"
"—why would you—" Holly ground to a halt. Then, softly, "Yes." She'd never said it before. It made her insides stagger a little to admit it. She looked at her hands and saw that they were shaking. Which made sense, seeing as she was terrified.
Lili shrugged and pressed a hand to Holly's. "Then we're all right."
"Are you sure?" Lili's palm was warm against hers. The shaking faded.
"Yes." They sat a few moments in silence. "Just don't sleep with him."
"Oh gods, it's not like that!" Holly threw up her hands, only to realise Lili was laughing. She pouted.
"I know," Lili wiped her eyes, still chuckling. "You're just so easy to rile."
She's beautiful, thought Holly as she watched Lili laugh. How is she so beautiful?
"I missed you."
The words came out before she'd had time to think. It felt like ages since they'd talked properly. Because, of course, it had been. Not since the night of the gala. Something tightened in Holly's chest, something desperate and scared. "Come over?" she whispered.
"Just you try to keep me away," Lili replied. And something tightened in her chest too, but with relief.
When they got home, they didn't talk about the time before Holly went away. They didn't talk about therapy. They didn't talk about much of anything, their mouths too busy with other things, their bodies saying what they couldn't. Holly fell asleep with her nose pressed into Lili's armpit and woke up without having moved. It was their last happy night for a long time.
Back in the office every day, Holly found it harder and harder to bear Lili's company. Whenever Lili was around, all she wanted was to crawl into her arms and stay there. The desire to be held became nearly overwhelming. The desire to cry even more so.
"You want to come for dinner?" Lili poked her head around the wall of Holly's cubicle. "I was thinking of making that curry you like."
"You're sweet, but I've got so much paperwork left from that cruise ship fiasco that I'll probably be living here for the next decade." Holly didn't turn away from her screen. She didn't trust herself to.
"Do you want help?"
"No, no, it's fine."
"Okay."
Holly ignored the doubt in Lili's voice. This was quickly becoming a habit.
A few weeks after Holly's return, Lili decided enough was enough.
"Come over tonight." She stood, arms crossed in the door of Holly's cubicle. It was late, and everyone else had left. Holly had taken to staying later than usual, later than ever before, half in the hope that Lili would give up waiting for her, and half in the hope that Lili would come and save her from herself.
"Lili—"
"Oh, don't tell me you have work. You always have work. Let's go home, and I'll help you with your paperwork tomorrow. I'm excellent at paperwork."
For once, Holly turned to face the other woman. "You're the best, but I can't ask you to do that."
"Darling, all I do is paperwork. At least this paperwork will have got me laid."
Holly laughed. "If that's all you're after, we can solve that right here."
"Right here at your desk, Major Short?"
"Well, maybe not right here." Holly gave her a crooked smile and Lili caved.
Afterwards, fixing her hair in the bathroom mirror, Lili spoke to Holly's reflection. "Did you give any more thought to seeing someone while you were off on that cruise ship?"
Holly spat out the water she'd been swishing around her mouth and laughed. "You know, I didn't, actually. Somehow, there always seemed to be something else to do, what with the whole time travel and impending death thing."
Lili rolled her eyes. "Artemis didn't bring it up?"
"This is not the pillow talk I was expecting." Holly leaned a hip against the counter and drew Lili close again.
But Lili was no longer in the mood. "Maybe that's because there aren't any pillows. Come home with me and see if you don't get something more up to your standards."
Holly sighed and dropped her arm. Lili tried not to be disappointed.
"I told you. I've loads to do."
"And I told you I can help with it."
"I don't need your help, Lili."
"Well, there's a metaphor if I ever heard one."
Holly rolled her eyes. "You've been spending too much time with Artemis."
"Mm, speaking of pillow talk."
"I should get back." Holly dug her nails into the palms of her hands to keep from giving in.
"Of course. Lots to do."
Holly licked her lips, trying to parse when and where this had all gone so wrong. "Exactly." Leaning in, she kissed Lili's cheek. She wanted to linger, press her nose to Lili's throat, let Lili hold her. She wanted to come for dinner. In that moment, she wanted so many things she nearly choked on them.
Instead, she dug her nails in deeper, and she left.
Back at her desk, she cried. She couldn't stop it. But at least no one saw her.
"So, have you found a psychologist yet?" He never had been one for small talk.
"I told you, I don't need one."
"Holly, you're an accident waiting to happen. Please."
She snorted. "Frond, I don't know which of you is worse."
"We're worried about you."
"We? What we? You don't even know Lili."
"Perhaps not. But in this instance, I do know precisely how she feels."
"I already told you. I'm fi—"
"I swear on my mother's future grave, Holly, if you say fine one more time—" He caught himself. Took a deep breath. "Holly, please. Please. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone breaks. And I am speaking from experience now."
"Well, I don't. And I'm not ashamed."
"Please," his voice took on a quality she had never heard before. "How many times have you helped me put myself back together? Let me help you do the same for yourself."
"I don't—I don't even know any psychologists."
"Why don't you ask Lili," he said, after a beat of judgemental silence during which she had duly reflected on the childishness of her protest. "I'm sure she could put you in touch with one. If not you could always try, oh, I don't know, a quick internet search."
Holly frowned. "Why would she know any?"
"I think that's her business, don't you?"
"Well, clearly not, since you know about it. Did she tell you something?"
"No. I am, as ever, exercising my modest powers of deduction."
Holly rolled her eyes. "Of course. Sorry, Holmes."
But her curiosity was piqued. When Lili invited her for lunch the next day, she agreed.
For the first and last time, Holly brought up therapy on her own. "Artemis has been on my case all week."
Lili raised her eyebrows at her soup.
"I told him, aside from everything else, I don't have time to look up a therapist," Holly expanded on the truth a little. "Seriously. There are a million of them, and I don't want one like Argon."
Lili opened her mouth, the words I'll do it already balanced on her tongue. She shut it again without saying anything.
"And he told me," Holly shook her head in disbelief, "to ask you. Said you probably knew someone."
Lili jerked as if stung. "Did he hack my medical records?"
"I mean, probably?" Holly blew out her cheeks. "Why? Do you have some deep dark secret you don't want to share?" She grinned at the very thought.
"You don't need to make fun of me."
"I'm not," Holly protested, even though she had been. Because what deep dark secret could someone like Lili have?
"Well, tell him, from me, to keep his nose out of my private files."
Holly blinked. "Okay, all right. I'll tell him." Reaching across the table, she took Lili's hand, brushing her thumb over the other woman's knuckles. It was easier to be with Lili when it was Lili who needed care; then Holly felt strong, useful. Necessary. She knew how to be those things. That was a role she had a script for. "Who cares, though? It's nothing to be ashamed of."
"Then why are you?" Lili replied.
"I'm not," said Holly and let go of Lili's hand. Prodding at her desert, she asked, "What are you doing after lunch?"
"Why?" Lili raised an eyebrow. "You have something in mind?"
Holly gave her a crooked smile. "I've got to go to the loo rather desperately."
"Ah," said Lili. She agreed, because sex was better than being alone. And because, at least while it was happening, she could pretend nothing had changed.
But, of course, something had changed. Lili knew it; she just didn't know how to change it back. Convinced that Holly was going to leave her, she began quietly freaking out.
She told herself she'd take it like an adult. She'd give Holly space and not cling. Which, of course, just made her want to cling even harder. So, she tried to distract herself with work and nights out with friends, but nothing managed to fill the growing void. Not even sex in the bathroom, something that was fast becoming a frankly embarrassing habit. Because, sure, once or twice, it felt daring and passionate. But, done regularly, it felt unspeakably seedy and depressing. Especially since Holly had been avoiding all other forms of intimacy - physical or emotional - for weeks.
"And the worst of it is she won't even let me do anything," Lili complained one night to Blossom. They were curled up on Blossom's couch, watching a human TV show about aliens.
"What do you mean do?" Blossom paused in the act of pouring herself more wine.
"Like, do anything," Lili replied unhelpfully while gesturing expansively with her own glass. She sighed. "Like, she does all the work. Which some girls are into. But I'm not. I've never been a pillow princess. I like making her c—"
"Okay, all right, I get the picture." Blossom cocked her head. "Really, though? That's the worst of it? I would pay for a man who was uninterested in his own orgasm."
"Sweetheart," Lili looked down her nose at her cousin, momentarily distracted. "You can pay for that. You know that, right?"
Blossom rolled her eyes.
"I just want to make my girlfriend dinner and then fuck her senseless," Lili pouted dramatically. "Is that really too much to ask?"
Blossom sighed. "I hate to say, darling, but you do have notoriously shit taste."
Lili bit her lip and slid deeper into the couch cushions. "I know. But I thought…I really thought this time it was different."
"And maybe it will be. Maybe she just needs some time."
Lili emptied her glass and tried to look convinced.
Trouble, of all people, came to her rescue.
"Lili."
The elf in question did not look up from typing. "Yeah?"
Commander Trouble Kelp stood in his office doorway and sighed heavily. Was there anything under this earth he could do to make his staff treat him like their boss, he wondered, for neither the first nor last time. Root had made it seem so easy. But Trouble had tried yelling, tried threatening—hell, he'd even tried smoking. But nothing had changed. At least, not for the better: Lili had laughed in his face the first time he'd shown up puffing a fungus cigar.
"Can you come in here for a minute?"
Lili sighed even more dramatically than he had just done. "What, Trouble?"
"In my office, Lili."
In her screen's reflection, he could see her roll her eyes.
"Okay," she hit send and finally swivelled to face him.
In his office, she perched on the armrest of the visitor's chair, as if she already knew this wouldn't take much time. Trouble smiled. She was a brat, but he couldn't help himself. He was fond of her.
"Could you at least pretend to take my orders seriously?" he said, sitting down.
Lili made a face and slid onto the seat of her chair. "Sorry, I just have heaps of work to do. If you need advice on a date, can you just text me?"
Trouble rolled his eyes. "This isn't about a date."
Lili sat up a little straighter.
"I've been thinking."
"Uh oh," Lili murmured.
"Ha. Ha." He rolled his eyes. "I want you to lead some…I guess the word is workshops? On workplace behaviour."
Lili burst out laughing.
Trouble frowned. "What?"
"Are you serious, Trouble? Workshops? I have no training and no experience. The other officers don't even take me seriously when I turn them down for drinks. And you want me to lead workshops?" She pressed the corner of a sleeve under her eyes to keep her makeup from running as she laughed. "Frond, you are hilarious. You're absolut—you're not joking." Slowly, Lili's laughter turned to silence and she stared at him. "Seriously, Trouble?"
"I thought you'd…" Trouble grimaced. "Well, what should I do then?"
"Oh, I don't know. Maybe hire an actual professional?" Lili offered sarcastically.
"Those exist?"
"Oh my—yes, Trouble. Yes, those exist." Lili took a deep breath and lay her hands flat on his desk. "All right, here's what I'm going to do: I'm going to go finish what I was doing, and then I'm going to go look up a bunch of sensitivity training experts, and, tomorrow morning, I'll send you a list to choose from, okay?"
"I'm making more work for you," said Trouble.
"When aren't you?"
"But I wanted…I wanted to make things better for you."
It wasn't every day you saw Trouble Kelp looking earnest, and, despite herself, Lili softened. "Then maybe don't ask me to do all the work, yeah? The point of stuff like this is to make the people who are the problem do the work. Besides," she slouched in her chair. "Do you really think a couple of workshops on workplace harassment would make a difference?"
"You don't think it would?" Trouble glanced at his door, as if Chix and Snoot and Mosswort were all right there, watching. Imagining their faces, he too slouched in his chair. "Then what would?"
Lili blew out her cheeks in response. For a moment, they both sat there, defeated.
"Well, I suppose if we didn't hire such absolute goons," said Lili after a long moment of silence.
More silence. Lili wondered if Trouble had taken her comment personally. He didn't usually take anything she said personally, but she always had been bad at judging where to draw the line. Maybe she'd finally pushed him too far and he was about to lose it.
"Do you want to take over recruiting?" he asked instead.
"What?" Lili sat up so that she could see him over his desk.
"Recruiting." Trouble followed suit, levering himself back into a sitting position. "Do you want to run it? So that we get fewer goons."
"Me," Lili replied.
Trouble nodded.
"But I—" she mouthed silently. "But I don't have any experience."
He shrugged. "You'd figure it out."
"Trubs, seriously. If you're mad because I'm not respectful enough and you're trying to get rid of me so you can get a new assistant—"
He laughed. "I'm not mad, Lil. But you're wasted as an assistant, and we both know it."
"Recruiting," she said again, still fumbling with the idea. "Me."
"Well, only if you want to." He cleared his throat. "Do you want to?"
"Yes," she beamed.
Then, later, when she'd had the time to process what had happened and had duly start freaking out about it (it made a nice change from freaking out about Holly), she stuck her head back into his office: "Could I maybe just…think about it for a few days before I give you my final answer?"
"You looked pretty thrilled about it ten minutes ago."
"Yes, but…"
Trouble knew better than to try to understand. "Okay. You have forty-eight hours. But you had better say yes."
Lili was so excited about the news that she made a mistake: she told her mother.
"I suppose you'll meet some nice young men in recruiting," was her mother's response. "You might finally settle down and stop with all this LEP silliness."
"I'm not—" Lili swallowed the words. "It's a big responsibility, Mum. It's a whole department. You should be proud of me."
"Of course I'm proud of you, dear," her mother replied absently. "Now, tell me. What do you think about this new wallpaper? Is it too much?"
Immediately after leaving her family home, Lili broke her promise to give Holly space.
"Lili?" Holly opened the door to her flat, the surprise clear on her face.
Pushing past her, Lili didn't bother with small talk. "Trouble wants me to take over recruiting and I'm freaking out." In the light of the living room, Holly could see Lili' lower lip was ragged. "He wanted me to do some workplace harassment workshops and I told him that was dumb and he said then I should take over recruiting instead so we could stop attracting so many goons and I said yes but now I think that was a mistake because I don't know shit about recruitment and a whole department is a huge responsibility and I'll fuck it up."
"What the—Lili, are you joking? That's amazing!" Holly had only sort of followed this rambling summary, but she understood the final result. "Don't be ridiculous. You'll be so good at that. And you're finally going to be doing something actually—"
"Something actually what?" Abruptly, Lili turned to face her.
Holly didn't look away. "Actually worth your talents."
"I like being Trouble's assistant," said Lili, shrugging her jacket up towards her ears and hugging herself. "I'm good at it. I'm not ashamed of my job. I wish you wouldn't be."
"I'm not," Holly said, too quickly. "But you're wasted on it."
Lili toyed with her zipper. "I told my mother," she admitted. "I got all excited, and I—" she hesitated. She'd only told her mother at all because she hadn't wanted to bother Holly, and Blossom was in El Dorado on a business trip. "I wanted her to be proud of me."
Holly nodded, not understanding the pause. "And?"
Lili slumped. "Oh, the usual. She hopes I meet a nice man and give up my job."
"Give up your—" Holly sighed. Crossing the room, she wrapped her arms around Lili. "I'm sorry."
Lili shrugged.
"Why do you put up with your family, anyway? They don't make you happy."
Stepping out of Holly's arms, Lili went to the window and pressed her forehead to the glass. In the street below, an elderly sprite hobbled towards the bus stop. "Because they're all I have, really, at the end of the day," she said after a long time.
"You've got me," Holly pointed out gently.
"Do I?" The words came out before she could stop them.
Holly bit her lip.
"And if this doesn't last?"
"Why wouldn't it last?" Holly's voice was low. There was something in it Lili couldn't put her finger on. It was fear.
"Because I've never been this happy before," Lili traced patterns on the window with one finger. She didn't say I'd, but she almost did. "And if I know anything about happiness, it's that it doesn't last."
Holly felt her heart clench. "There's a first time for everything." Reaching out, she brushed Lili's hair back from her forehead.
Lili made a valiant stab at a smile.
For the first time in a long time, Holly felt like she had something to offer. "Stay the night? I'll cook."
"You can't cook," Lili pointed out, not unfairly.
"Well, then I'll order the very best Thai food I can find."
Lili laughed despite herself, despite everything. "Okay." She raised her hands, hesitated, then reached out and looped her arms around Holly's neck.
Holly saw the hesitation and hated it. She drew Lili closer, hugging her just a little too tightly, as if she could squeeze out all the doubt.
"The truth is, I'm a coward," Lili whispered into her shoulder. "I'm scared of being alone."
"Everyone is scared of being alone," said Holly, without loosening her grip. Why couldn't it always be this easy? she thought. Why couldn't she admit things the way Lili could? Even better, why couldn't she just not have things to admit and live an easy, simple life, where she was always happy and nothing hurt?
Much later, sucking the last of the ice cream off her spoon, Holly said, "I'm not ashamed that you're someone's assistant." It was almost true. But, more importantly, "I just wish you'd see how much more you're capable of."
"But that's what I'm good at." Lili shook her head, picking up the last crumbs of deep-fried banana with the pad of her pointer finger.
"You're good at it without trying," Holly pointed her spoon at the other woman. "And, sometimes, I don't think you actually believe you're capable of more."
"I don't need to be capable of anything 'more' than that," Lili insisted. "I'm just happy to be good at something. I'm happy just to be useful."
"Sure," said Holly. "But could you be happier?"
No one had ever asked Lili that before. Her happiness was not something many people cared about.
Pretending she hadn't noticed Lili's confusion, Holly rooted around in the takeout containers for nonexistent leftovers.
Later still, in bed, sweat cooling on her back and her heart rate finally slowing, Lili said, "I went to therapy for years."
She didn't know why she said it. It might have been the post-sex high, or it might have been her vertigo-inducing happiness at the fact that things were nearly normal. Or maybe it was a last-ditch attempt to convince Holly before she lost her completely. Lili didn't know. It didn't really matter.
"Really? What under the earth for?" Holly hadn't meant for it to come out as dismissive as it had.
"Because rich people don't have problems?" Lili replied dryly.
"No," Holly replied too quickly. "I meant…no, you just seem so…so well-adjusted."
Lili laughed, but not happily. "What? And you think growing up with my family made me that way?"
Holly hesitated. "When you put it like that…It doesn't seem likely, no."
"I had an eating disorder," Lili worried her lip. "I spent most of my adolescence in a hospital, getting weighed every week and having minders watch me eat and watch me shit, in case I tried to throw anything up while I was in there."
"That's…" But Holly didn't know what to say.
"Rich people problems. Yeah, I know."
"No," Holly shook her head forcefully. "That's shit."
"No woman in my family has a healthy relationship with their body. I just took it to extremes." Lili shrugged, toying with the edge of the sheet. "But it wasn't about my body. Not really. I wanted to be able to control something in my life. Just one thing, you know? And that's what I could control."
Holly nodded. Powerlessness was something she could understand. "But you're not…you don't still…"
"No. Not for years. I want to, sometimes. When I'm upset or stressed. But then I go talk to someone instead. And so far that's worked." She didn't mention that she'd been talking to someone regularly for the past month.
Holly said nothing, but tucked Lili's hair back behind her ears and kissed her forehead. "Thank you for telling me." For the first time, she considered the possibility that, just maybe, talking to someone might be a good idea.
Burrowing further into Holly's arms, Lili wondered how long this peace would last. "I just thought maybe it'd be good for you to see…you know, that we're all a little broken."
Holly's fingers stilled in Lili's hair, remembering what Artemis had said.
"You always say counselling isn't worth it." Lili spoke into Holly's skin. She knew she was pushing, that she might ruin this fragile détente. "But I wonder, sometimes, if you just don't think you're worth it."
There they were again. Tears welled, hot and sharp in Holly's eyes. Of course she wasn't worth it. But it wasn't just that. Holly pressed her trembling lips together.
Lili waited.
"I—" Holly whispered.
Lili pushed her face against Holly until her nose flattened, as if she could soak the other woman up through osmosis.
"I'm scared."
Lili wrapped her arms around the other woman.
"I'm scared that they'll say I can't be fixed."
And there it was.
Lili could feel Holly trembling. "Well," she spoke softly, brushing her thumb along Holly's arm. "You'll never know until you go. You'll always be sat here. Wondering."
Holly laughed, as she was supposed to, and closed her eyes against the sharp rush of tears. "Yes, but…" She took a deep breath, willing her body to stillness. Her nails were sharp in her palms. "Would you listen to me? This is ridiculous. I'm fine. Seriously. I just don't want them to tell me I need to go on leave or take a vacation or something. That's it."
"Yes, gods forbid you enjoy life." Lili didn't bother to hide her disappointment.
"Oh, come on. It's really not the same. You had an actual problem that needed professional help. I just need more sleep."
And, with that, all the lightness and joy Lili had felt in the last few hours evaporated. She took a deep breath, which was hard, because it felt like a brick was sitting on her chest.
"Then maybe we should get some more of that." And she turned away, pulling out of Holly's arms to lie on her own pillow, facing the wall.
Holly closed her eyes, not from exhaustion, but regret.
"I think I should break up with Lili."
Lili had left early that morning, not even staying for breakfast. Watching the other woman walk up the pavement, Holly had been forced to admit that the situation might be irreparable.
"I regret to inform you, Major, that that is, without doubt, the most ridiculous thing you've ever said to me."
"Why? It's not going well."
"Mmm, and I wonder why that is."
"Because…"
"Yes?"
"Because—" Holly floundered.
"Because it scares you?" he asked softly.
"You'll have to be more specific than that," she replied dryly.
"How much she loves you."
Holly swallowed.
"It used to scare me," he admitted. "It was terrifying how much you and Butler loved me, especially when I was so clearly not deserving of it. Especially you. When you had every reason not to."
"Artemis—"
"I sometimes wonder," he continued as if she hadn't spoken, "if that didn't play into my decision to sacrifice myself for the greater good. I believe I might, secretly, have wanted to rid you of me. Before you finally came to your senses and left me first."
"I would never do that," she whispered.
"You almost did, once."
"Yes, but I didn't. And you really screwed up that time."
"I did," he agreed amiably. "And, after that, I was always waiting to 'screw up' again."
"But you didn't."
"No. Instead, I developed a personality disorder and then killed myself. So, does it scare you?"
He waited through her silence.
"Yes."
"I thought it might."
"How did you…" She was crying, she realised. Why couldn't she ever stop crying? "How did you stop being scared?"
"I trusted you." He paused. "And now I have six toes on one foot."
Caught off guard, she hiccuped with laughter and choked a little. "Frond, you better find a way to stay alive for another five to seven hundred years because I am not going through that again."
He chuckled.
"And it's not fair," her laughter subsided abruptly, "that you're the one who's always leaving, and I'm the one who's always left."
"No," he murmured. "No, it's not, is it?"
"So, are you working on it, then?"
He smiled his vampire smile. "Of course I am. But you're distracting us from the topic at hand. You need to talk to someone."
With a groan, Holly dropped her head back against the window. "Just stop already."
"I will not. She'll leave you and you'll be heartbroken and I won't have it."
"Gods, you're such a meddler."
"Have you asked Lili to find you someone reputable?"
"No."
"Well, what are you waiting for?"
"For an actual reason to go?"
"Don't take that tone with me, Short."
"I'll take any tone with you I like, Fowl. You're a third my age."
"And three times as smart."
"Oh, get over yourself."
"I think, for once, actually, you're the one who needs to get over herself. You are being so incredibly childish about this whole thing. I honestly don't know how Lili puts up with it."
"She hardly sees me, so there's not much to put up with, but thanks. That's really nice of you to say."
"Why doesn't she see you?"
"Because I'm busy."
"With what?"
"Oh, I don't know. My job? Unlike you, I have paperwork to file."
He stared at her through the tiny screen, blue eyes inscrutable.
"Paperwork," he finally repeated.
"Yes." She looked away.
"And we've come full circle. It's not going well? No, of course it isn't, seeing as you're avoiding her like a child. You're so scared of being cared for that you're avoiding her."
"No. I'm just bus—"
"Holly," Artemis cut her off. "If you don't go and see someone this week, I will book an appointment myself and have Trouble send an armed escort to take you there."
"Artemis—"
"No. I am absolutely serious."
"Oh, fuck off."
"Just go, Holly. Otherwise, you are going to lose someone you love very much and whose only fault, as far as I can see, is caring about you more than anyone else does. Other than myself, obviously."
"Why are you being like this?" Holly was tempted to throw her comm across the room. Not that it would matter. He'd still be able to hear her.
"Because I'm worried about you, you imbecile. Because I refuse to let you ruin a relationship that has brought you nothing but very well-deserved happiness."
"You're about to ruin our relationship in a minute," she growled, but jokingly.
He snorted. "Hardly."
"Oh you don't think so, do you? How the Frond would you know?" His smugness grated and what had been a joke grew less funny.
"You won't ever leave me, Holly."
"There's a first time for everything." She said it coldly. It was a cruel but empty threat, and they both knew it.
"You won't leave me," he repeated quite calmly, "because I won't let you. Not over something so infantile, at least."
This time, she did throw her comm.
"You realise I can still hear you, right?" His voice came clearly out from behind the couch.
"Sometimes, I really hate you," she told him.
"I'm sure you do. I'm told it's a common enough feeling," said his disembodied voice.
"Okay."
Lili swivelled in her office chair to find Holly standing in her doorway. "Okay?" she echoed.
"I'll do it." Holly stepped inside Lili's new office, shutting the door behind her. In another time, they would have made very good use of this office.
Lili raised an eyebrow. "What are we talking about right now?"
"Therapy." She could see the effort it took Holly to say the three syllables.
Lili opened her mouth, but nothing came out.
"I'll do it," Holly repeated.
Reality hit.
"Good," said Lili faintly. Then, enthusiasm mounting,"Great!"
Holly nodded. "Artemis finally convinced me."
Something in Lili broke. She didn't want it to, but it did.
"Of course." Her tone wasn't subtle.
Holly frowned. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing," Lili inspected her manicure. "What would it mean?"
"I thought you said he wasn't a problem."
This was too much for Lili.
"He's not a problem," she snapped. "The problem is that every time I ask you about therapy you either jump down my throat or run away. You've been avoiding me for weeks. Weeks. But now, now that he's asked you, oh, now you're willing to go. Can you understand how that might make me feel?"
"He's been after me for weeks too. You've both been insufferable."
"Oh, I'm sorry our concern has been so hard for you."
Holly set her jaw. "And besides, why wouldn't I take him seriously about it? He's—" she realised what she was saying just short of saying it.
"What? Smarter than me?" Lili raised an eyebrow. "No way, really? When he's a literal fucking genius? I don't care that he's smarter than me, Holly. I care that you think you can just dismiss me even when I am saying the exact same thing as him."
"I haven't dismiss—"
"Really?" Lili didn't bother to let her finish.
Holly licked her lips. She wanted to say that she wasn't going because of Artemis; she was going for her, Lili, specifically because she didn't want to run away any more. But how did she say that? How did she say I've been terrible to you because you're so good to me; because you make me feel too vulnerable and I don't know how to handle it; because all I want is to be with you all the time and that terrifies me more than anything else, ever without sounding like an absolute lunatic?
"Look," she snapped, fear making her ungracious. "I'm asking for a recommendation. I'm going to go. That's what you wanted, isn't it? You've won. Be happy."
"It's not about winning," said Lili. Her lower lip had a dark red line where she'd bit it too hard. Holly wanted to run her thumb over it and wipe the line away. But she didn't.
"Look," Lili spoke to her knees, "I'll make you an appointment. I'll even take you there, if you want. But this - us - it's over. I'm…I can't do this anymore."
Holly put her hand on Lili's desk. She hoped it looked casual and not as if her knees were about to give out, which was what was actually happening. "What?"
"It's over," Lili repeated. She looked up. She wasn't crying, but her eyes were full and glittering.
Holly wanted to hold her, wanted to apologise, wanted to kiss her until they forgot any of this had ever happened. "What?" she said again.
Swallowing hard, Lili pressed the back of a knuckle under her eyes. "I've let people treat me badly all my life, Holly. I've never left anyone, no matter what they did. Too bloody desperate to be loved." She snorted. "And too terrified of being alone. But I love you too much for that. I don't want to be with you just because I'm afraid of being on my own. I want to be with you because you make me happy."
"Then—"
"But you don't make me happy any more."
How long they looked at each other, neither could have said. At some point, Lili's eyes overflowed.
Finally, Holly nodded. "Okay," she said.
"Holly—"
But she had already left.
Holly did not come to work for three days. Lili did, but she had always been better at pretending. When Artemis called her, she did not pick up, neither the first, nor the second, nor the third time. She appreciated that he didn't just hack her comm and make her talk to him.
Despite everything, she was true to her word and made an appointment with a suitable therapist.
Holly, when the booking message appeared on her comm's screen an hour after their breakup, wondered (correctly) if Lili had had one on call since the night of the gala. This thought did not make her feel any better. Tossing the comm to the floor, she turned over on the couch and hugged her knees to her chest.
On the fourth day, Lili showed up at Holly's flat just as Holly was coming out the door. She looked like shit. Lili stuffed her hands into her jacket pockets to keep from touching her.
"Did you see the email with the—"
"Yes." Holly shrugged up her jacket collar and started down the stairs.
"Good," Lili jogged to keep up. "I just came to make sure you'd got the—"
"I did."
Lili nodded. She'd told herself she'd just check to make sure Holly had seen the message but, when they hit the pavement, she kept walking.
"You don't need to come with me."
"I know." Lili's pace didn't slow. "I just—it can be scary the first time."
"I'm not scared of a doctor, Lili."
"Don't sneer, it doesn't suit you."
Holly gave her such a look of contempt that Lili almost left. But she was used to contempt and rallied quickly. "It's to the right here."
"I read the directions."
They walked the rest of the way in silence. Every block, Lili told herself just one more and then she'd go.
"Seriously," Holly held the door to the building open for her. "There are so many more useful things you could be doing right now."
"Like what?" Lili flipped her hair, pressing the buttons for the lift. "Trouble's paperwork?" She had turned down the promotion. She hadn't told Holly.
"No, I mean for the world."
"Again: like what? What could I do that's more important than looking after you?" That hadn't come out quite as flippant as she'd intended it to.
"Literally anything?" Holly's tone was cutting. Lili knew that voice well, though she hadn't heard it in a long time.
The lift dinged, spitting them out into a nondescript grey hallway.
Lili sucked on her lip and headed left. "You're just saying that because you're scared."
"No, I'm saying that because you spend all your time making appointments for people when you could be doing actual work." Holly yanked open door 229 and let Lili go in first.
"Making appointments for people is my actual work," Lili pointed out, fighting to keep her voice from rising. She thanked all her ancestors there was no one else in the waiting room. "I'm an assistant, remember?"
"Only because you're too scared to do a real job."
The words hit Lili like fist.
"It is a real job, you absolute wanker."
Unnoticed by other of them, the door to the treatment room opened.
Holly stuck out her jaw. "Give over, Lili. Your job's not about being helpful, it's about being in control. So don't give me that holy-than-thou I'm-not-ashamed shit."
"Fuck you," Lili spat. She said it again, slower, for good measure. Then she left, because she didn't want Holly to see her cry.
Fists clenched, Holly turned to knock on the treatment room door. The dwarf who stood in it raised his eyebrows at her double-take.
"Sorry for the noise," she managed.
"Oh, not at all. Major Short, I presume?" The dwarf stepped back so she could come in.
Throwing herself into the nearest chair, Holly crossed all her limbs. "That's me."
The dwarf closed the door and settled himself slowly into the chair facing hers. "I'm Myrt Siltfoot."
"I know."
Myrt eyed her over his thick-rimmed glasses. Like Mulch, his salt and pepper hair grew long and plentiful. Unlike Mulch, his was silky and smelled faintly of lemon verbena.
"You should get your eyes fixed," Holly told him.
The therapist chuckled. "So my husband is constantly telling me. But, to be perfectly honest, I'm rather vain, and I think they make me look more intelligent."
Holly did not want to be charmed by this, but the corner of her mouth turned up anyway.
"You don't want to be here," Myrt stated.
Holly snorted, but didn't say anything rude.
"Miss Frond—"
"Captain Frond," Holly interrupted.
"Captain Frond. You're together?"
"Not any more." It came out angrier than Holly wanted.
"I see. My apologies. Is that a…new development?"
"Does it matter?"
Myrt shook his head. "I'm sorry. It must be painful."
Holly shrugged one shoulder.
Myrt scribbled something on his smartpad. "Why don't you tell me why you don't want to be here."
Silence.
"Is it because we're all quacks?"
Holly snorted. "Your words, not mine."
"It's true, your history with the profession has not been ideal."
Holly stiffened. "You don't know anything about my history."
"I'm afraid I know rather a lot about your history," Myrt smiled sadly. "Most of Haven does."
Silence.
"Your friend…" the dwarf cast around for a diplomatic way to put it, "...his treatment was not…well, it wasn't ideal either."
Silence.
"I'm sorry for what happened to him, Major, but I'm not Dr. Argon."
Holly shifted in her chair.
"What made you agree to come, then? And after all this time?"
"After all what time?" Holly frowned.
"Well, you've had a very eventful decade. You were held for ransom, travelled through space and time, were publicly disgraced, lost your job, and watched two of your commanding officers be murdered. Not to mention either your friend's illness or his death." The dwarf paused. "And those are only the events known to the public."
Holly had to admit it didn't sound great when he put it like that.
"But all that was several years ago. So why come now?"
Holly pursed her lips. She'd thought he'd fish for gossip about Artemis. Strangers always did. "I—"
Myrt waited.
"Look, this is a waste of time. I only agreed because of Lili and now—look, can you just check whatever boxes you need to check and let me pay you?"
"These sessions are covered by your insurance."
Holly swore and rubbed her hands over her face. "Then that's that."
"You might at least tell me why you don't want to be here before you go. Get it off your chest."
"Because it's a waste of time!" Holly's voice rose. "Because it's not going to change anything. All this emotional—I'm not—I'm—" Holly broke off and glanced around the room, as if it might hold some answer.
It was a small room, painted a pale yellow colour. She appreciated that it wasn't white or grey. Rooms like that freaked her out. Despite the colour, there were no answers in it. There was nothing in it but a pair of chairs, a side table, and a pale pink orchid growing on the window sill. It was past full bloom and its tiny flowers were slowly dropping off to wilt on the sill.
As Holly watched, one of the flowers detached from the stem and fell, silently, to the floor. "I don't know if I can be fixed," she told the orchid. "And I'm scared I'll be like this forever."
"I think that's extremely unlikely," said Siltfoot briskly. "There are very few conditions we can't do anything about."
Holly turned back to him. She didn't say anything, but she didn't get angry either. His no-nonsense tone comforted her even more than the words themselves. It wasn't a tone that lied.
"It probably won't be easy, though," he continued. "And it certainly won't be very pleasant."
A crooked smile crept out. "What is?" she asked.
Myrt chuckled.
For a moment they sat in surprisingly companionable silence.
"Would you mind if I asked you a hard question?" Myrt broke it first.
Holly gestured for him to continue.
"Why do you think it is," he tapped his stylus against his chin, "that you feel the need to punish Captain Frond for wanting to take care of you?"
"I don't," said Holly. She licked her lips. "It's just easier to push her away than to be with her. But then I miss her and I get scared and then—and then I'm meaner than I want to be."
"Why is it easier to push her away?"
"Because when I'm with her, I feel safe." Holly swallowed. She would not cry. "And all the things…" She. Would. Not. Cry. "All the things in me that are broken start to hurt and I can't keep control of myself."
"When you say you can't keep control of yourself, do you mean that you hurt her?"
"No!" Holly's horror slowly turned to sadness. "Not physically. I would never." She slid slowly down in her chair. "I just…I just cry."
Like she was doing now.
"And is that so very bad?"
"Yes," said Holly, wiping emphatically at her cheeks. "Because then she'll see how truly fucked I am, and she won't want—" She laughed humourlessly, tears still dripping down her face. "I suppose that's a moot point now, though, isn't it?"
"If you say so," said Myrt, passing her the tissues. "Though, I must admit, I've never had a patient's ex drop them off to a session before. That's what I love about this job. Always something new."
Lili was typing up a report and didn't look up when Holly came to sit next to her.
"I'd never have gone to see anyone if you hadn't done it for me. I'm not…I'm not proud of that, but it's true." Holly lay her hands on her knees and spoke to her upturned palms.
Lili's typing slowed. Her jaw slid from side to side, but she kept her eyes on her screen.
"And it wasn't Artemis who changed my mind. He said you'd leave me if I didn't get my act together and he's, you know, a genius, so I figured he was probably right. And that…that was what changed my mind. Too late, unfortunately."
Lili stopped typing.
"Basically, what I'm trying to say is that I was scared, and I was wrong, and I was a dick about it. And I'm sorry."
Lili swallowed.
"Anyway," Holly got to her feet. "I won't—I'll get out of your hair. I just…yeah."
"All I've ever wanted was to help you," Lili whispered. Holly stood very still. "Please give me the chance."
Holly's eyes prickled. Without a word, she knelt on the ground and put her head in Lili's lap. Lili's hand was warm on her hair and made her feel safe, and made her feel loved.
This time, Holly let herself cry.