Rating: Probably R for language I rarely do sex scenes

Genre: Humor/Angst/General Shonen-Ai (actually it's man love but I don't remember the term for that one)

Summary: This is a story I originally titled Stepford Elicoorians. I wrote this after watching The Stepford Wives and could not resist

Notes: Primary couple in this one is Cliff/Albel and if you are one of the many anal retentive video game fans that can not stand AU or any change in the story or characters that you do not personally approve. Bite me. Oh and don't read the story. But seriously bite me.

Special thanks: To Puppet Lord your comments are greatly appreciated I meant to put that in the second one but I forgot. Sorry!

He was shaking—his hand was shaking—the sun had slanted on the horizon and he'd long ago drank as much perfectly blended lemonade that he could. Akane had hit him up twice for the KI2 killers and Yuna's kind smile had faded to a glazed eyed stare after 'politely' almost breaking two of fingers to get at his pills. Duo had simply fished his extra bottle out of his pocket and was currently munching on them like they were popcorn. Albel wasn't far behind him. Yet the torture continued.

"Did you know that if you take maple leaves and dry them behind glass with some glitter you can make your own autumn decorations?"

" I decided to pick some leaves from my back yard and draw leaf designs on plastic and made handmade curtains with a leaf pattern. They are very flashy and stylish—Better homes and homemakers says they're hip…"

"Ohhhh hiiiip."

Duo turned pleading eyes on Albel—then Albel's claw. "Please take my life…"

"I suffer. You suffer. You're stronger than these worms Duo." Albel hissed back.

Duo looked close to tears. Yet it continued well into it's fourth hour.

"Nothing says love like handmade curtains."

"Yes."

"Oh yes!"

"Don't you think so Bel? I bet you're into more risky things like hand knitted pot holders—oh you're so rebellious!"

Before he could open the bottle himself, Robin ripped it from his hands and downed them like a fat kid and a bag of skittles. If that kid was at nazi fat camp and hadn't been allowed anything that wasn't rabbit food for weeks.

Duo patted her back as her breathing returned to normal.

The Stepfords didn't seem to notice. " Well I've been a little rebellious this year. Instead of leaves I decided on pine cones!" Cloud spoke up.

The Stepfords gasped as one, " Oh you as well. Did you know you can make Christmas tree ornaments with pine cones and glitter?"

"I made a baby Jesus out of pine cones and glitter!"

"I'm going to make Mary and Jesus shaped fruit cakes this year! You know you can buy ediable glitter to decorate cakes?"

"What are you going to make Bel?"

Albel twitched, " What am I going to make? Did you know that human skin if dried and salted makes a nice and reuseable wrapping paper—and the bone just behind…"

Let's just leave it at Albel gave everyone a new idea for Christmas tree ornaments and thus ended the Stepford homebodies book club meeting for the week.

"I don't even think he's home!"

"Cloud?"

Albel followed Duo's cautious slink up to Cloud's back door—he was surprised to find that Akane and Robin both seemed to be very good at it as well. Yuna did her best…

Despite the snorting and out right laughing they made it into the picture perfect kitchen of Cloud Strike.

"Clou-"

"Shhhh!" Duo placed a finger to Yuna's lips and cocked his head. "Do you hear that?"

"Hear what—that thumping noise what is that?"

As a group they moved closer to the stairway and the sounds became much—much clearer. To clear for Yuna's bright red blush…

"Ohohohohohohohohohohoh you're so big! To big! YES YES IT'S SO GOOD! THANK YOU THANK YOU YOU GREEK GOD! Ohyes oh yes OH YES! YOU'RE SOOOOO BIG! THANK YOU THANK YOU! OH OH OH OH! MORE PLEASE DON'T STOP NEVER STOP!!!! I NEED IT I NEED IT! Ram it! RAM IT!"

Albel found himself slack jawed as the image of the prim and pressed Cloud at the hoe down took shape in his mind saying things that he wanted done---that Albel at his dirtiest with seven bottles of fermeted cider down his throat three tavern wenches two black brigade soliders a bowl of cooking oil two recently graduated symbologists a dungeon full of torture devices three whips a saddle with the horn sitting in the middle of the seat and a naked bound gagged hanging upside down dragon brigade lieutenant had never EVER would have even considered or thought was possible to be done to another person without death or prison time being involved…

Albel decided it was best he not share that memory with Cliff…he discovered that Klausian's were the jealous type when they bothered to settle down. Sure it'd been a complete turn on when Cliff made that roaring noise grew fangs and nearly ripped a guy's throat out when he'd hit on him in a bar—all that blood then the raw unabashed public sex on a sticky tavern table--Albel came back just in time to catch Duo by his braid as he tried to bound up the stairs. "Where the hell are you going?"

"Why should Cloud get all of that? I want some too!"

Albel lead the way out on the loudest longest scream of pleasure any of them—(except Albel that's another story) had ever heard.

They were all still laughing when they stumbled into Duo's living room—the laughter abruptly stopped as they took in the chaos of food wrappers and other things they didn't want to examine too closely.

"What the hell happened in here?"

Duo blinked and cleared some clutter off the couch. "What do you mean?"

" Did someone drop a bomb in here or are you just an absolute slob?" Akane asked.

Duo shrugged, " I'm a slob. It drives Heero nuts, along with the way I talk—the way I walk. Who I hang out with the way I laugh, dress—breathe." The eternal snarky cheer faded a little. "It doesn't matter what I do—I just can't make him happy."

Robin perched on the couch next to him. " I know the feeling that's why Randall and I are here. I just don't know how to be a wife—he's trying to be patient with me."

Yuna nodded slowly, " Seymour and I are having trouble as well. We thought a change of pace would be helpful."

Akane sighed, "Ranma and I hate each other. My Dad came into some money and bought us a house here—told us we needed to work out our differences. I'd rather see him burn."

All eyes turned to Albel who stood filing the tips of his claw casually. "What? Oh Cliff and I are trying the settling down thing. He thinks I'm made of glass now and I'll break or wilt or something at any sign of stress. The fool!"

"So we're all screwed up." Duo sighed.

"Yeah I guess we are. The sane club isn't all that sane huh?"

Albel snorted, "Fools!"

"Huh?"

"All of you sitting here feeling sorry for yourselves likes maggots on a dried pile of shit!"

"Thanks for the mental Bel."

" I don't like nor do I spend time with weaklings or worms. Worms are to be crushed under the feet of the strong."

"Thanks for the pep talk." Akane.

Robin frowned, " I think I understand what Albel is saying. We're all here—we can roll over and try to fit in—or we can make Stepford fit us. We don't have to be just like all the other cattle here, but we can learn to enjoy baking cupcakes and doing crafts a little."

Duo nodded, "Hm, I got lets go on a murderous rampage and kill them all."

"You got right Duo. Though that's not a bad idea Robin—maybe just a little we can try to humor our other halves by being more like—like.."

"The zombie homemakers of Stepford?"

"Exactly."

The sane club exchanged a look then shrugged. " You got any burbon Duo?"

"Bel you home?"

Albel had barely closed the door behind him when Cliff's leary voice sounded from the living room. He followed it to find the large blond man standing nervously on the bar—staring in horror at a tiny tan tuff of growling fur hanging out of a box on the floor.

"Stay back Bel it's not safe!"

Albel arched a brow, "What's it gonna do bite my ank-"

Albel promptly shut up when the cute little ball of fur turned around it had short perky ears and big black eyes like one of cute little Pomerians he'd seen. It trotted over to him just as sweetly—he leaned and picked it up.

Cliff still refused to come down from the bar. Albel learned why a moment later when he went outside to check the mail with the dog in his arms—and so did the mailman.

The cute little mouth wasn't nearly so cute when it opened five feet nine inches wide to swallow the mailman whole—bag and all…in the process revealing seven rows of razor sharp teeth.

He was in love instantly.

"I'm gonna call you Miffy—because you look like Miffy right now. I'm high. I'm extremely high! And you're my little Miffy aren't you! Yes you are! Come on mommy's gonna go get you nice big turkey yes yes!"

"Nothing scarier than a gay man and his dog…" Akane sighed shaking her head sadly. Robin and Yuna nodded agreement.

Albel glared and lead the way back into the house.

Cliff had come down from the bar and was drinking deeply from a bottle of brandy.

"Didn't I tell you to get a cup barbarian?!"

Cliff grunted. "Mirage's housewarming gift. A Klausian puffpuff."

"Puffpuff? Is that what he is? The names as adorable as he is! Hello my little puffpuff!"

Cliff shivered.

"Yeah…I saw the little puffpuff's disappearing trick with the mailman…" Akane offered from a safe distance.

"It somehow still remains cute though." Robin offered.

Cliff snorted and made a wide circle around Albel and puffpuff towards the door. "Yeah whatever babe. I'm going out to the club house—big meeting tonight don't wait up okay?"

Before he could complain Cliff was gone.

"What the heck was that about?" Akane asked.

Robin and Yuna shrugged. "Our significant others are gone out as well."

"So where is our president?"

Yuna shrugged.

"So what do we do?"

Akane shrugged. Albel smiled.

"Anyone feel like spying?"

Albel walked boldly up to the front doors of the men's club. He was a man after all…he'd play distration for Akane and Robin to head around from the kitchen window.

He'd just opened the front door when he heard shuffling and something like get his feet.

A moment later Duo's shaky body landed in his arms. He was breathing hard and trying to speak.

"Duo! Leave the man alone." A thin cold eyed man stepped into the foyer behind him—firmly taking Duo's shoulder in hand. He glared hard eye to eye with Albel…later he realized he was supposed to be intimidated.

Cliff however had already taken him in hand and to the door.

"What the hell is going on here? What's wrong with Duo?"

Cliff frowned after the stumbling Duo and Heero's rigid back. " I don't know he's been drinkin' pretty steady since he got here. Heero's gonna take care of it—what are you doing here?"

" I felt like being here, and that's crap. I watched Duo take down two bottles of bourbon yesterday without so much as a glazed eye to show for it."

"Why don't you mind your own business Bel? Stop trying to project your damned chaos!"

"I'm not projecting anything you idiot I'm looking at what's in front of me! Grab me again and I'll rip your face off with my teeth maggot!"

With that loud declaration he turned back towards the door where three short balding men stood glaring at him. He glared right back. " Out of the way I'm in no mood to crush insects…"

They quickly scattered out of his way.

"Like cockroaches in the light." He laughed on his way out of the door. He thought he heard Cliff mumble something about 'get himself into.'

THREE DAYS LATER

"Has anyone heard from Duo? I went by his house yesterday—and I called. No answer either time." Robin picked up a can of chocolate syrup and put it in her grocery cart.

Albel growled a greeting at some smiling zombie he didn't remember. " I haven't had any luck either."

Akane stopped dead in her tracks in front of them.

"Your ass is to big to go around Akane." Albel growled.

She didn't bother to comment. " D-Duo?"

Albel blinked at the radiant young man in front of him. Long brown hair streamed down his back and over his shoulders in perfect half formed ringlets, gold highlights sparkled in the store light setting his vacant violet eyes to dancing. He wore a beautiful dark violet sweater and matching slacks. A gold ring glittered on his wedding finger. He was straight out of a laundry detergent commercial.

"Good morning Akane. Bel, Robin…isn't it a beautiful day?"

Albel didn't remember how it happened, but somehow he woke up in the men's club surrounded by flames with Heero Yuy's worried face inches beneath his claw.

Robin and Akane stood not far behind him both with determined expressions.

It was a silent dinner in the Fittr household that evening. Cliff had bandaged the claw marks on his jaw—and Albel had cooked his favorite food as a silent never to be admitted apology.

"Pass the potatoes please—and maybe not throw them at me this time." Cliff broke the silence.

Albel passed the potatoes. "What'd you do to Duo?"

"Damn it! Will you drop it already? For the last time no one did anything to Duo!" Cliff growled. The puffpuff growled back.

Cliff lowered his voice. " Maybe Duo decided to give the Stepford way a try—unlike someone else in this room-"

"Oh please we're eating dinner. I haven't seen a pile that big since Vox's dragon had the runs—Duo looked sick when he ran into my—"

"I already told you he'd had a lot to drink-"

"Lies. I am not one of the fools you deal with in this place Cliff please at least respect that."

Cliff sighed and stood up, "You know what? Believe what you want I don't know why I bother."

"Where are you going?"

The slam of the front door was his answer.

A few hours later his phone rang twice—by the time he'd picked up there was no one there. He shrugged it off ignoring the thing in his gut that told him something was wrong.

Sadly Akane went missing for three days after, only to appear on the fourth day at the community center—yellow dress long fluffy black hair and a giggle that could rival Sophia at her best.

Two days after that —a bright white light and roar shook Stepford—he thought he saw wings on the horizon. Yuna went missing for three days after that—only to reappear a perfect Stepfordian.

Robin was worried and had begun to make plans to leave, Albel had agreed to go with her. With out without Cliff. A pillar of fire engulfed the lawn of the men's club the night he planned to tell Cliff he wanted to leave…then Robin went missing only to surface in pastels and loose flowing blond ringlets.

He was alone now, just him and Miffy hell if he'd go down without a fight.

Cliff came home that evening to Albel in his purple loin cloth and half top, his sword tied to his hip, and Miffy's Rossetti leather carrying case over his shoulder. He'd just turned off the vidphone.

"Bel."

"My name is Albel fool!"

"Fine Albel what are you doing?"

"I'm leaving this place, you are an idiot if you don't see what's happening here. If you are an idiot then I see no reason for me to stay with you."

"I don't know how about for the same reasons this idiot stayed with a broken lunatic? Is that good enough?" Cliff's eyes had become cold.

Albel smirked, " Fair enough. Well do you want to come with me?" his tone was callous and offhanded he knew it. He knew it would enrage Cliff.

Cliff smirked, " I don't believe you. After all—" he broke off and shook his head. Albel expected an explosion, he was surprised when Cliff opted for raw emotion. "I love you-"

"Love is for the weak."

"Then I'm weak."

"You're worse then weak. You're a predator wishing you were prey. An eagle that wants to be a maggot it's disgusting…I don't know why I stayed with you this long."

"Albel stop talking." The calm in Cliff's voice was unnatural…

"Why should I, you want so desperately to be weak! Why should I not treat you like a weakling?"

Cliff shook his head, the calm replaced by a sad cynicism. "Mitch was right." With that he walked out of the room and closed the door.

The last thing Albel remembered was Miffy's frantic barking a pale gas gushing into the room faster than he could hold his breath.

"Cliffums? You don't like your breakfast should I make something else?"

Cliff stared hard at the plate of perfectly cooked and spaced sunny side up eggs and triangled toast –perfectly cooked hash browns even perfect coffee.

He was terrifed of looking up—looking up and seeing those adoring, trusting beautiful red eyes looking at him. But if he didn't look up and smile…something worse would happen.

"Cliffums? A-are you unhappy? Y-you don't like them?"

Tears…he hated it when he cried. He said he'd give anything to have a real relationship but this--.

He looked up and smiled, the expression of pain faded back into empty happiness. He was happy now—he was always happy wasn't that what he wanted? Didn't he want Bel to be happy. What would Fayt say? He'd probably approve.

What would Mirage say? Or Nel or Maria?

Probably not a whole lot—but a three fresh cans of whoop ass was certain to be not far behind. He rose from the table, Albel followed him, cleaning up the plates.

Heero had opted for the full body replacement, Duo's 'treated' brain in a perfectly designed android body. He'd been there to see the look of betrayal on his face when he'd realized Heero had drugged him. Albel had come in not long after—and—

"Cliffypoo?"

Cliff smiled and Albel went back to cleaning. Ranma and Randall had both opted for the full change. So had Seymour…

Cliff hadn't been able to do it, he'd seen the droid laying on the table…he didn't want that.

He liked Albel's body—his mind had been tampered with so much already what was a few more changes? If they made him happy? If they made him kinder? If they made him stay? He hated to admit the last part. In the end he'd only replaced his left arm…

"Damn it! Damn it damn it! Stop fucking cleaning! You hate cleaning!"

Albel's eyes darted around the room and began to fill with tears. Cliff hurriedly apologized.

He was really surprised when a moment later he was grabbed from behind and slammed face first repeatedly into a wall.

He recognized the feel of a gun on the back of his neck and someone twisting his arm up and over his head on the other side of him.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Fayt and Sophia talking to Albel—and exchanging worried looks.

Nel's measured steps—then her eyes blocked his view, " I'm going to ask once—nicely Cliff and I expect a very—very good answer. I know you don't want to disappoint Mirage so I know you will answer my question honestly and completely right?"

Cliff managed to nod.

"What the FUCK is going on here?"

Yes, yes I went there. I gave Duo a perm AND highlights! Whose bad? Huh? Whose bad? Yeah Randall is so made up for Robin but as much as I might loathe despise and detest Amon (this from a yaoi fan that tends to side with the male characters) I know he wouldn't fit as the Stepford husband unless he was on a 'stakeout' to find the witch behind step ford then Robin would be so freakin' screwed. He's a lone wolf and like it or not that's the personality I relate to the best—that is why OTHER people (real and fictional) that display that trait make me absolutely nuts! Five years of therapy and this is what I can come up.

And oh yeah this got kinda serious so let me end on a preview. A light preview.

"Cliffums. I'm going to turn you into shredded---where the hell is my claw! Damnit I'm gonna---heeeellllo what's this?"

"Oh come on who gives a psycho a built in chainsaw?!"

"Oh it has a flame thrower too."

"Run! Run you idiots it's the apocalypse!"