Growing Up Sand-Nin Style

Chapter Two: The Talk

Kankurou sighed, smacking his dry-erase marker into his palm. Beside him, he had on an esle a white board. On the other side of the board was Shikamaru, reading a magazine. Before him sat the three kids.

"Ok, due to the fact that your moms and other estranged female relatives who could tell this story better had declined the invitation," Kankurou began, "it has been thrust upon us to educate you in Sex Ed."

"Who's 'us'?" Shikamaru interrupted, looking up from his magazine. "I don't have a kid. None of these brats belong to me. You're on your own."

"Aw, come on," Kankurou groaned. "All I need is the back up talker, like when we gave Gaara the talk."

"Dude." Shikamaru gave him a look. "All you said was that girls like it."

"They do!" Kankurou cried, waving his marker around. "Do you not have eyes?!"

"Ok, ok, fine." Shikamaru rolled his eyes, putting his magazine down. "So, how are we going to illustrate this?"

Kankurou looked at him oddly. "With a MARKER." He held it up. "Exhibit A."

Shikamaru rolled his eyes. "What? You only have one? You have to make boys blue and girls red!"

"Why?" Kankurou raised an eyebrow.

"Because! Have you not seen the Sex Ed books? The boy squares are ALWAYS blue and the girl squares are ALWAYS... pink... but that doesn't matter! They have to be different colors!"

And now, Kankurou looked at him like he was crazy.

"Daddy?" Kura whined, twisting her hands in her lap and swifting her legs. "I have to go. Is this gonna take a long time?"

"Nah, only five minutes," Kankurou reassured her.

"Mine took two," Gaara called from where he was reading in the kitchen.

"Shut up, Gaara!" both Shikamaru and Kankurou called.

"Ok," Kankurou said, turning to the white board. "This is Daddy. Me." He drew a stick figure.

"Why can't it be my daddy?" Yukon asked, twirling his hoodie drawstrings.

"Because my daddy's the one drawing it!" Kurou snapped, hitting Yukon.

"I knew that!" Yukon, jumping on Kurou.

"God, I'm gonna miss these moments," Gaara mused as Kankurou went to break them up.

"Come on, Junior, stop hitting your cousin," Shikamaru called, picking up his magazine.

"Ok, now," Kankurou began again, picking up his marker again. "This..." He drew a stick figure with a skirt. "Is Mommy."

"Mommy's top part is bigger," Kura corrected. "Gee, Daddy, are you blind?"

Kankurou rolled his eyes and drew two circles on the female figure's top.

"I remember them being alot bigger," Kurou said thoughtfully. "And white stuff came out. It was really good. Except that Kura kept kicking me."

Kankurou rolled his eyes again and erased the circles, making them bigger. "There. How's that?"

"Better," Kurou and Kura said together, a habit they had yet to notice.

"Ok. Now. Do you guys know what addition is?" Kankurou asked, drawing a large Plus sign between the two stick figures.

"Isn't that the div-ed-ing thing?" Yukon asked, scratching his head.

"That one's mine," Gaara said to the toaster.

"Is this case, yes it is," Kankurou said, drawing an equal sign after the Kyu-stick-figure. "So, Daddy plus Mommy equal..." He drew two small stick figures, one with a skirt and one without. "...Junior and Kura."

"Waaaaiiit," Yukon said suspiciously, frowning. "How come... when it's Unc' plus Aunt Kyu, it equals two," he held up three fingers, "but when it's Daddy plus Mommy, it equals...one?" He held up one finger.

"I was wondering when this was going to come up," Gaara confessed to the toaster.

"Blame your dad," Kankurou said at once. "It's his fault. Always is."

Gaara glared.

"We're home," Kyu called, coming in with several shopping bags. Rynn and Temari followed with equal amounts of bags.

"Oh, yippee." Kankurou took the recepits she gave him. "Credit card bills."

"What's that?" Kyu pointed to the board.

"Uh..."

"Well, that better not be me," Kyu snapped. "Because I happen to know I am not that disfigured."

Kankurou shook his head, erasing the figures with his sleeve. "'Course not."

"But, Daddy," Kurou began. "You told us that was Mommy, and you told us a while ago to NEVER lie!"

"Junior, why do you hate me?" Kankurou cried. "I gave you life!"

"Actually," Kyu snapped, dropping a bag full of shoe boxes on Kankurou's foot. "That was me."

"Ri-i-i-ight," Kankurou said through a gasp of pain. "I helped."

"How come I'm not on there?" Temari asked, sitting on Shikamaru's lap. "I've had sex more then any of you."

"How would you know?" Kankurou snapped. "You pervert, still sticking your pug nose in my sex-life?"

"No," Temari snapped. "I just thought I would be up there."

"Ok, fine." Kankurou picked up his marker. "This..." He drew a stick figure with a spiky pony tail on top of it's head. "Is Uncle Shikamaru. And this..." He drew a distorted stick figure, Picaso-style, "Is Aunt Temari. Uncle Shikamaru plus Aunt Temari is nothing because they're irresponsible." He put the cap on the marker. "Any questions?"

"Yeah." Kura looked uncomfortable. "I just did an oops. Can I take a bath?"

"You're excused." Kankurou nodded.

"You need a bath, too, Kurou," Kyu said, picking up her son. "Come on."

"WON'T!"

"Oh, yes you will," she said in a threatening voice, wrestling the twins into the bathroom.

"WON'T!"

"WILL!"

"WON'T!"

"WILL!"

"WON'T!"

"God, this brings back memories," Gaara mused.

Flashback

Kyu frowned, disturbed from a pleasent dream by the sound of a hard guitar solo. Cracking an eye open, she raised an eyebrow at Kankurou. "What do you think you're doing?"

"How did you wake up?" he asked, looking up from where he was croaching before her, holding a pair of headphones around her buldging stomach. "Just trying to influence it."

"With... what?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Korn," he said plainly, replacing the headphones.

"Are you kidding me?" She stood up. "And our child is not an it. She's a she."

"I don't think so." Kankurou stood up. "'Cause it kicks too hard to be a girl."

"That's because it's a NINJA girl," Kyu snapped, taking the headphones away and unplugging them.

"But what if I don't want a girl?"

"What kind of parent are you?" she cried. "You can't hate your child because it's not the right gender!"

"What if it's a boy?" he asking, raising an eyebrow.

"Boys are gross!" she cried. "They pick their noses!"

"Oh, my god," Kankurou cried, feignting amazement. "Doth I see a hypocrite?"

Kyu glared. "I'm not going to have a boy!"

"Yes you are!" He knelt down and pressed his face against her stomach. "Hey! Make sure you don't have an extra chromo-thing!" (Um... that would make it retarded, Kan-kun...)

"I don't want a boy! There's enough boys in this house! Can't you play with Yukon or Raito?"

"No... 'cause then I'd wanna keep them, and then, well... Gaara would kill me."

"Good!" Kyu stomped away.

"Hormones are scary," Gaara said knowingly from his corner.

"Yeah, right, Gaara, you didn't even know Rynn was pregnant!"

"Sure I did," Gaara snapped.

Flashback Within a Flashback (OOOOOoooooo! Sparkle, sparkle!)

"Wow, Rynn, did you gain weight?" Gaara asked, raising a non-existent eyebrow.

Rynn glared. "No!"

SLAP!

End Flashback Within a Flashback and Flashback (Sparkle sparkle!)

"Yeah... those were the days," Gaara said with a sigh.

"MOMMY, KUROU PULLED MY HAIR!"

"KURA BIT ME!"

"MOMMY, I CAN'T FIND ABARERU!"

"And these are these days," he ended with a sigh.