The Softer Side of Snape

(This Is Revolting)

Severus Q. Snape woefully stared down at the iron cauldron he was stirring. His life was so dramatic, so damn dramatic (for real!) that he could no longer continue this life, this horrid life where he had to maintain a perpetual façade of meanness to cover up his woeful and poetic soul. "Oh, woe is me," he mourned to the acerbic mixture of hemlock, arsenic, cyanide, iocane, and Grandma's Spam Surprise that was bubbling before him. "I just can't take any more of this! The Dark Lord has been tormenting me endlessly, bringing me to tears each time he subjects me to his twisted and vile designs! I'm in love with a younger woman I can never have! And worst of all, young, innocent, tragically heroic Harry Potter believes that I really do hate him! Oh, lamentable day!"

He filled a nickel-plated goblet with the deadly poison, paused a minute to let the vile mixture cool, then raised it to his lips, closing his eyes in a silent farewell to his horrid world.

Just then, an unconscious Argentinean burst into the room, followed quickly by Dumbledore, Harry, and Luna Lovegood.

"Severus!"

"Professor!"

"My love!"

Snape didn't know who to turn away from first, to pull away from and withdraw within himself like so many other times before. "What are you all doing here? I'm not killing myself if that's what you think. I know it kind of looks like it, but I'm really not!"

"So why the giant cauldron of poison, Professor?" Harry asked.

Snape stared at Harry. "Oh, my poor boy—I mean, mind your own business! Fifty points from Gryffindor, for being an inquisitive busybody! Oh, how I loathe you!"

Harry recoiled as if struck.

"My dearest, my darling, my one and only love, why are you doing this to yourself?" Luna asked, tears welling up in her enormous insectoid eyes. She knew that she was the only one that could understand his warped and frustrating pain because she herself was warped and frustrating.

"Do not refer to me as such, Miss Lovegood. Can't you see that I'm being a complete dick to Harry Potter for no good reason? That's what I do, you know!"

"I mean, why are you trying to kill yourself, darling? You have so much to live for! Flowers and puppies and unicorns and fur-lined handcuffs! I love you."

"Despite having the mind of a nuclear physicist and the body of a sex goddess, you are still barely fifteen years old. You do not know what love is! Do not speak to me of love, for it is something that I can never have! Even from you!"

He stifled a sob and threw his wrist up to his forehead, turning away from her in despair.

Dumbledore stared. "Dude. Why are you being such a drama queen?"

Harry nodded emphatically. "Yeah. Besides the fact that you're probably going to fired for shagging a student, you have everything to live for!"

"Lemon drop?" Dumbledore asked pleasantly.

"You stay out of it, you conceited brat whose father I hated vehemently!" Severus cried.

Harry folded his arms and sulked. "Fine, then."

"Besides, I never touched her!"

Luna giggled and poked him in the ribs. "Remember the Astronomy Tower-?"

"Okay, maybe once-"

"And that time on your desk."

"Oh, all right, twice then, but-"

"Oh, and that time on Dumbledore's desk."

"Well, fine then, but- Wait, I thought that was with Hermione?"

"WHAT?!"

Severus gasped. "Oh, I mean, um… I'll drink it! I swear!" He leaned over the cauldron and made slurping noises. "Don't push me!"

"Professor, be reasonable! Don't make us call in the reinforcements!" Luna pleaded.

"No, let him drink it!" Harry yelled, now sitting on the floor like a damn five-year-old. "I dare you! Do it, motherfucker!"

Snape paused. "Well, I did have a thing for redheads…" he taunted.

Harry leaped to his feet. "You bastard, I'll drown you in that poison!"

Snape easily knocked the boy aside and suddenly burst into tears. "Oh, Harry, I'm so very, tragically sorry! But I could have been your father! I should have been your father! Oh, I loved her so!" He sobbed over the cauldron.

Luna shot Harry a very dirty look.

Dumbledore sucked loudly on a lemon drop. "Severus, you never once spoke to Lily. Not once. In seven years."

"Yes, I did! I asked to borrow a quill once!" Severus raised his head and stared into space, remembering. His face crumpled. "She sneezed on me! I ran off to my room, devastated, and I cried for hours over my lost love. And then, of course, she started dating horrid Potter, who I secretly respected all along, and that just killed me. It was then, then that I decided to join Lord Voldemort. I would never be sneezed on again!" He burst into maniacal laughter.

Harry stared from the floor. "You are one twisted fuck."

"And now you hate me!" Severus cried, sobbing again. "Like everyone else! Oh, Harry, don't you know that deep down I love you like my own son and would do anything for you?! But you have nothing but loathing for me. Everyone hates me. Even Dumbledore wishes I would die conveniently in a freak house-elf revolution accident!"

Dumbledore shrugged. "I usually envision an exploding cauldron, but hey, whatever works for you."

"See?!"

Luna sighed. "Lovey, you're getting hysteric-"

Suddenly and without warning, there was a…

TO-TAL E-CLIPSE OF THE SUN!

And Voldemort attacked Hogwarts, Apparating right into Snape's chamber, and knocking Dumbledore into a trunk. The trunk closed and locked and even though everyone knew it was a complete accident, Voldemort laughed triumphantly.

"Mua ha ha! Now that the old fool is out of the way- DIE!"

Everyone stared.

Voldemort sighed. "That was an order, you know! Come on, die!" He brandished his wand.

Luna stepped forward. "Maybe you didn't notice, but we're in the middle of an intervention here. Maybe you could come back another time?"

Voldemort scowled. "You are silly and not suitably afraid of me. DIE REALLY HARD!"

Luna died.

Snape howled. "Oh, my God! You killed Luna!"

"You bastard!" came Dumbledore's muffled voice from inside the trunk.

Snape threw his head back and howled in misery. "Noooo! Not my one and only love except for Harry's mom! And Hermione! And Parvati and Lavender and Mr. Filch and Alicia Spinnet, Katie Bell, Moaning Myrtle, Padma Patil, that fling with Fleur Delacour, Cho Chang, Marietta Edgecombe, Mrs. Norris, that was a kinky one, Pansy Parkinson, Nymphadora Tonks, Millicent Bulstrode, Professor McGonagall, Madame Pince, Hannah Abbot, Susan Bones, Orla Quirke, and Ginny Weasley! Noooooooo!"

Harry gasped. "You and Ginny?!" He whistled through his teeth and the Weasley brothers all Apparated as one into the dungeon, where all this drama and excitement and romance and angst was unfolding.

The Weasleys all took out their wands and simultaneously cursed the shit out of Snape. They had to protect the virtue of their itty bitty sister after all.

"And you better stay away from her from now on!" they all yelled, before Disapparating away together.

Snape sobbed over Luna's still body. He started whispering a bunch of goodbye shit to her and giving her one last kiss and all that 'my girlfriend's dead' crap, but we're going to focus on Voldemort going after Harry cuz that's more interesting.

Voldemort strode toward Harry who was still on the floor. "And now, you annoying thorn in my evil, evil side. Now, you die!"

Snape looked up. "NOOOOOOOO!"

He ran in slow motion and dove in front of Harry just as Voldemort was raising his wand. "If you want to kill him, you'll have to kill me to! And then who will be your spy, hmm? Answer me that, smart guy!"

Voldemort shrugged. "Yeah, well, I figured out a long time ago that you were playing me, so I found a new spy. Mua ha ha and all that. So yeah, killing you sounds good."

He raised his wand. "Avada-"

"AVADA KEDAVRA, BITCH!"

There was a flash of green light and Voldemort died in a little puff of smoke. The smoke cleared and there, victorious, stood Neville Longbottom.

"What the fuck just happened?" yelled Dumbledore, kicking inside the trunk.

"Neville!" Harry cried. "You weren't supposed to do that! I'm supposed to kill him. The prophecy said so!"

Neville smirked. "Yeah, but the one who prophesied that is a total crackpot. It's been me all along."

He kicked Voldemort's body once for good measure and the strode out of the room, casual hero-style.

Snape shuddered. "I can't believe it's over. Suddenly my life seems a whole lot easier."

"Join the club," Harry said. Then he went all quiet like he was about to say something important. "You know, you didn't have to do that."

Snape looked away. "Yes, Harry, I did. I love you like my own son. My own son whom I would love to love and play baseball with and verbally abuse."

Harry also looked away, cuz guys are stupid like that. "Snape, could I- could I call you- Dad sometimes?"

Snape threw his arms around Harry. "Oh, Harry! I love you!"

"I love you too!"

"I love you guys!" Dumbledore cried. "Can you let me out now?"

"Wow," Luna said, sitting up. "Lotta love in this room. So much love that it brought me back to life!"

"Luna!" Snape cried. "My love, you're alive! I'm going to marry you and adopt Harry and we'll all spend summers at the beach with a yellow lab and a picnic basket! Harry, give your new mommy a kiss!"

Snape reached for the love of his life, but suddenly she stiffened and croaked, "Ooops, guess I was wrong." She promptly died again.

Snape stared. "Oh, well. With my new son by my side, I'll move on. Say, Harry, want to go get a milkshake with your old man?"

"Sure!"

"And on the way," Snape said, throwing his arm around Harry's shoulders and leading him out of the room, "we can pick a new stepmother. You can pick from Hermione, Marietta, Professor McGonagall, Cho, Orla, Mrs. Norris, Pansy, Padma, Parvati, Lavender…"

And they walked off into the sunset, certain that life was good and they had not forgotten anything important.

"Um, guys…" Dumbledore shuffled his feet inside the trunk. "Are you still there? Come on, I'm out of lemon drops!"

Epilogue

Snape was awarded the Order of Merlin First Class for his bravery in the face of danger. He and Harry moved to America where they had many wild and wacky mishaps with pop culture and electrical appliances.

Neville Longbottom was hero-worshipped until the day he died. His final words as he went quietly into that good night were, "Someone get me a hooker. I killed Voldemort, for Christ's sake…"

Luna Lovegood was buried in the cemetery at Hogwarts, but had a tendency to come back to life every now and then, generally when students shagged over her grave and there was a "lotta love in the air". Unfortunately, this usually only lasted a few minutes, so as soon as she had dug herself out of the ground and said, "Braaaaains, braaaaains!" twice, she kicked it and had to be buried again. It was quite tiresome for the groundskeeper.

No one really knows what happened to Dumbledore. It was assumed that he retired quietly somewhere, but no one ever actually saw him come out of the dungeon…

The Very Very Ve-e-e-ry End

Aaaaaaaa-mennnnnnnnn