I've noticed that on fanfiction. net, a common and bad plot device often used is another pilot dying to try to save Garu, thus inciting severe guilt on his part. This guilt is usually used to pair Garu up with someone random (like Garu/Teela or Garu/Rio). I think it's rather depressing to see this used over and over again, because it kinda… lessens the value of Ernest's sacrifice. So yeah… in response, I present to you this little smartass number.
It's Been Done to Death
(aka- the most random humor fic ever)
Conceived and put to screen by Little Fire
It was a perfectly normal morning on GIS for Garu: he had risen from his makeshift bed in the middle of the living quarter's hallway after being kicked out of HIS room by Leena, he had begged her to give him his toothbrush and uniform, which she promptly tossed at him, apparently still upset; and he had borrowed Rioroute's hair products that were sitting in the bathroom, but not necessarily with permission.
He was also in an oddly good, happy mood. "I feel like something good is going to happen today." He said as he watched Leena finishing up some repairs on the Ingrid which bore her name. No sooner had he said that, the battle alarms started going off.
"Damn it, where are they?!" Garu whined, staring into what seemed to be blank space.
"I'm detecting about twenty type Ds not far from you. It seems after the first wave of twenty, there are a few type Bs as well." Erts answered, sorting through the data coming into his Ingrid.
"Wait! I see one! I'm going after it!" Garu began to head off towards it.
"Gareas!" Leena screeched at him over the communication system.
"I'll go after him." Yu volunteered softly as he began to fly after Garu.
"Wait! Both of you!" Leena yelled again. "My monitors say the one that you are going towards is a type B. You both are surrounded by type Ds now!"
At that very moment, twenty monsters materialized around Garu and Yu. "Camouflage?!" Garu yelped in surprise.
Yu somehow remained perfectly calm. "We must leave."
And so they both began to quickly maneuver in and out of the Victim wave, defending themselves from attacks whenever possible. Garu was able to make it out with only a few injuries; Yu, however…
"Yu! It's all my fault! It should have been me!" He pounded his fists on the grated floor in the Ingrid docking bay.
Kazuhi looked down at Garu, holding back her tears. "Yes, it should have." She was surprised by her own harsh words and apologized before running off, brushing past Teela.
Teela watched her disappear into the shadows before turning her attention to the remaining pilots and their repairers. "The new pilot team has already been summoned and will arrive shortly."
Erts spoke up, "who is this new team, First?"
"Candidate pair #3. Yoshino Sakaragi and Una Kleik." Teela said flatly. "Ah," she pointed at one of the doorways, "here they are."
Yoshino practically glided into the room, his partner opting to skip in instead. Both of them introduced themselves to everyone before turning their attention to the only familiar face: Erts.
"I knew I'd make it here eventually." Yoshino looked up at what was now his Ingrid. "A close range battle machine. Yours is merely a scout… correct, Erts?"
"Yes, that's right."
"Aww! Yoshi, you be nice to Erts!" Una cutely lectured him.
Yoshino rolled his eyes "As you wish."
"Um, have either of you heard anything about a candidate named 'Zero Enna'?" Erts asked.
Yoshino sneered at the mention of that name. "He's currently the top candidate. Unbeatable. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go inspect my room."
Erts couldn't stop himself from smiling, and Una noticed it too. "Yay! Erts is happy!" She said as she hopped in front of him. "I'm sorry what he said about your goddess, though." She looked down at her feet. "Yoshino's just been a little annoyed since you were promoted before him… but, no hard feelings?" Una perked back up and opened her arms, waiting for a hug. For some reason, she'd been the only person in Erts' senior troop that didn't quite get that he didn't like being touched.
Erts laughed nervously. "No… no hard feelings." He began to back away from Una as she moved closer, and eventually turned and began to run towards his room.
"Wait! Erts! I wanna talk!" she yelled after him, giving chase, her arms still in the air.
Another normal morning, another attack, and it was starting to irritate Garu. It hadn't been that long since Yu died, and he couldn't help but wonder if he was next on death's hit list. Because of this, he decided that perhaps it was best that he take it easy in the battles… but, of course, because he was Garu… that ended up being impossible.
"They're going after Erts!" Garu yelled as he shot at the small, drone Victims, keeping them away from the scout.
"Reneighd Klein, you must relocate and continue scanning." Teela ordered.
"Yes, First." Erts began to fly to the coordinates Tune had entered in for him.
"Erts! Look out!" Garu screamed, but it was too late: for the brief moment Erts had been distracted, a large victim had latched onto his leg.
"Ah!" Erts grimaced in pain. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a Pro-Ing appeared and slashed the Victim across it's face, causing it to retreat. "Zero?" Erts whispered, noting that this particular Pro-Ing was definitely of the same model that all the seniors use. The Pro-Ing looked at him and waved.
"Candidate, you are not authorized to be in this area." Teela said firmly, and with that, the Pro-Ing left.
"Erts, are you okay?" Tune's gentle voice inquired.
"I'm fine. It's nothing too serious." He assured her.
This, however, wasn't good enough for Garu. He was currently chasing down the injured Victim. Finally, it stopped, turned, and got ready to attack him. It was then that he realized that he had been followed as well. "Garu! You can't take on that type of Victim alone!" Rio rushed in front of Garu and attempted to put up a shield in hopes of protecting him from the stronger of the large Victim's attacks. It worked, at least for Garu; Rio, however…
Garu once again found himself banging his fists on the floor of the docking bay. "Rio! It's all my fault! It should have been me!" He bawled as Leena got on the floor to hug him.
"The new team is here" Teela said, signaling to a young boy and his innocent looking partner.
"Hello!" Wrecka smiled, "I am Wrecka Toesing, and this is my partner, Roose Sawamura. We are very pleased to meet all of you!"
"At least she's a lot more charming than the last repairer." Yoshino whispered.
"I dunno, Yoshi. She kinda gives me the creepies." Una hid behind him.
Meanwhile, Teela had wandered off to find Erts, which she did in one of the observatories. There he was, dreamily staring off into space. "You are lucky that your pair was able to save you." Erts looked at her, seemingly shocked that she had known Zero was his pair. "Rei Enna." She continued to speak, "Though, I supposed he is called 'Zero' here as well."
"He is. But how did you…"
Teela smiled. It was a gentle smile that Erts had never seen on Teela before. In fact, he wondered if anyone had ever seen Teela smile that way. "He is not unfamiliar to me. In fact, I'd say that you and I are both waiting for the same thing."
"Zero?" Erts whispered. Teela nodded slightly at him in reply, and then left.
Once again, it was another normal morning (minus the hair product theft), and once again the alarms began blaring. This time was a little different, though. Victim had somehow decided that it would be a good idea to attack both the pilots and the senior candidates. It was all pretty easy going for the pilots and their special attack plans and weapons, but the seniors seemed to be having some trouble.
"Rei… needs assistance." Teela turned her Ingrid and began heading towards the area where the senior candidates were fighting. "Agui… I mean," she winced at name Roose and Wrecka had given the Ingrid, "Princess Wrecka… keep the shield up!"
"Yes, ma'am!" Roose's sweet little voice answered.
"Ah! You bastards!" Garu flew away, backwards, from the attacking Victim, trying to get far enough from them to get a good shot. Little did he know that Teela was just a few feet behind him. One of the Victim suddenly picked up speed, in what Garu decided must have been a finishing attack. Luckily, he was able to maneuver out of it's way; Teela, however…
"Teela! It's all my fault! It should have been me!" Garu pounded.
"But, I thought you didn't even like Teela…" Leena said looking down at him, obviously confused.
"I didn't. But it's the principle of the thing!"
"Oh." Leena helped Garu up. "I think a nice warm cup of milk and a nap will make you feel better." She smiled at him.
"I know what will make me feel better, but it isn't milk and sleep." Garu grumbled to himself.
Later that night, Leena was awoken by Garu practically howling as loud as he could: "Why, god why?! Why RIO?!"
Leena slid open the door to Garu's room and crouched down in front of him. "Still upset about Rio's death?" She gave him a warm, sympathetic look.
"No… I'm just wondering why the hell people keep pairing me up with him."
"Huh?" Leena had NO idea what he was talking about.
"Nothing." He looked up at her with serious eyes "Leena…"
"Yes?"
"Can we have sex? Since I'm all… um… depressed from the deaths of my coworkers and everything."
Leena sighed "I'm kind of tired, but with all you've been through… I really shouldn't complain."
Garu grinned like a Cheshire cat and nodded. "Exaaaaactly…"
Erts was the first to arrive at the docking bay when it was announced that the new head pilot team would be arriving. He was almost giddy with joy, which seemed to be a little weird to everyone on GIS. They had never seen him be ANYTHING but calm and quiet. Of course, they didn't understand that his excitement stemmed from months of waiting for a certain someone who was finally going to arrive.
First off the ship was the repairer, Kizna, who waved to everyone she knew and introduced herself those that she didn't. The pilot wasn't as social, however: at that moment he seemed to have a one-track mind. "Erts!" Zero yelped as he glomped his friend.
"Hey! Who said you could just touch him like that?!" Garu growled.
Zero just smirked and pulled Erts a little closer to him. "I'm the new head pilot. I can touch Erts whenever and wherever I want." He felt Erts' body suddenly stiffen.
"I don't care who you are. Just leave him alone, you… you… Ingrid breaking brat!" Both Zero and Erts just stared at Garu, totally taken aback by the sheer lameness of his insult. After a few awkward moments, Garu stomped off to GIS's main community kitchen, mumbling to himself.
"THAT'S the pilot of Eeva Leena?" Zero asked with amazement.
"Yup." Erts nodded.
"Wow. So, Erts, you ARE going to tell me how life on GIS has been for you, right?" Zero smiled at the younger boy he was still holding on to.
"Of course. You'll have to tell me about your time on GOA too." Erts separated from Zero and began leading him towards the living quarters.
"What could I tell you about GOA that you don't already know?"
"Well, what happened to Hiead?"
Zero grinned and put a little hop in his step. "He's dead!"
"Oh…"
Garu shoved some toast into the community kitchen's old-world-style toaster. "Little prick. Groping Ernest's little brother like that." He opened the fridge and began rummaging for some eggs, only to find there were none. "DAMN IT! How the hell am I supposed to make an egg sandwich without eggs?!" He slammed the door just as the toaster made a popping noise. "At least I can eat some toast…" he said, but suddenly noticed that his toast hadn't popped up with the lever. "This kitchen sucks." He whined as he smacked the toaster.
"Garu! Hurry up! We have some adjustments we need to make!" Leena yelled from her repair station.
"Yeah, yeah..." He yelled back, looking for something to help him get his toast out. Finally, after nearly destroying the kitchen in his search, he decided on a large fork. "Damn it, first all my fellow pilots die, and now my toast is stuck. What the fuck is NEXT?!" He shouted as he shoved the fork into the toaster…
Leena sobbed uncontrollably at Garu's funeral. "All those times I thought he was about to be killed in battle… and he ends up being killed by a TOASTER!" She tried to control her wailing.
"Fujimura-san?"
Leena looked to her left to see Kazuhi, who had decided to remain on GIS as a technician. "Yes?" She wiped away her tears.
"Are you familiar with the idea of one getting what they deserve?"
"Yes, why?" Leena blinked at the younger girl.
"I think it applies to this situation."
"Oh." Leena looked back up front, just in time to see Garu's casket floating into space. "I suppose you're right." The two of them stared silently into space for a while. "Would you like to eat lunch with Tune and I?"
"Sounds nice."
"Okay!" And so Leena and Kazuhi wandered off to find Tune.
Umm… The End!