He was so untouchable.. So close, and yet I was no where near his radar. I was but invisible to him. He knows me by name, for we have known each other longer than these three years spent at highschool. Growing up was never easy, especially growing up next to him. I was friends with his friends, but I never dare talk to him. Just smiled politely as I greeted his group. And he just stared at me, as his friends greeted me jovially.
He knew I liked him, for he was informed many times in middle and elementary school. But it never stopped him from avoiding me, and staying silent in my presence. He was so intangible, so lost to me.
But never has this crush disappeared from me. Never have these stray feelings of love and lust faded form my heart. I would always say I was over him, but it was painfully obvious to me, that I was not . As I dreamed of his face, and unconsciously searched for his face in the crowds of students. And I could identify his laugh, and his voice, and his scent that made me weak. And I would go through boyfriends, sizing them up to him, and they were never quite as good as him. Never anything compared to him.
And I would hope, late at night, when I lay awake in bed, that he measured me up to his current girlfriend, his current super model slut. And I would wish, late at night, that he wished she were as smart as me, smelled more like me, sounded more like me. And I would wish, late at night, that he thought my voice was melodious, like I did his. That he wished her skin was slightly paler, more ivory, like the color of mine. And late at night, I would hope that he was laying awake too, wishing I lied awake too, wishing the same.
When he would walk by, I would inhale deeply, his lucius scent, that would linger in the background. And when he talked, his voice like smooth velvet, would smoother me and surround me. And while I chatted away with his friends, I could feel his dark eyes on me. And it was the most spine tingling, rousingly nerve racking sensation I ever did experience.
And to him, I was known as Kagome Higurashi. Girl that watched him from afar. Girl who has loved him since 4th garde. Knows me as the girl he turned down in grade six, when my friend blurted out I had dreams of him in his underwear. To him, I am just this girl who has gone to school with him, who was friends with his best friend, and once liked him, and supposedly still does.
But to me, he was so much more. He was my everything. He was the obsession that kept me going. Knowing I could see his face the next morning, after fighting with my mother, kept me going; kept me striving. Unknowingly to him, he was more than a lasting crush, more than a physical attraction. He was my savior, picking me up from this mud that has enveloped my world.
And as the last days of winter dwindled down, I was shocked to hear he was moving. And on that last day of winter, he was leaving. Leaving town, leaving state, leaving my life. I stood outside of school, waiting for him. Waiting for him to finish his bidding with his friends. And finally, I casually walked over to him.
He towered over me, looking uncertain and uncomfortable in my presence, like he always did. I jammed my hands in the back of my pockets as I rocked on my feet. Also uncertain and awkward. "Where are you moving to?" I asked casually, meeting his gaze.
He looked down, and to the side, mumbling what sounded like "California."
I nodded, not knowing what to say. What did you say to your hero? Your God? What did you say to an ever lasting dream, that was suddenly fading from memory? How did you reel it back in, to dwell over for mornings past? You looked at the ground numbly, that's what you did. And we both sat in a smothering silence that swallowed us whole, devouring any last words that wanted to be said.
He finally looked up though, breaking the spell that enabled us, and I hesitantly met his gaze, of swirling,gold intensity. "It was nice knowing you," he told me softly. And my heart skipped a beat, as the words left his mouth. He would never know how much those words meant to me, never would know, how much I actually read into his last, parting words. Words that made my world shatter and come back together again.
"You too. . ." I choked out, still gazing at him. And we looked at each other for long a moment, my physical and emotional attraction bunching up in painful knots inside of me, as he stared at me through long lashes, and silverly, long bangs.
And with all my heart I wanted to hug him, to feel his beating heart, to feel him flush against me. To feel what I always dreamed of. But I never got the chance, the courage mustered, as he nodded his head, and slowly walked out of my life. Slowly walked down the school steps, and away from me. And just then, white snow started to fall around me, like my sorrow that surrounded me, as I stared numbly at his back. A lone tear sailed down my check, and I looked up into the falling sky, looking into the last snow of the season. The last time I would ever see my God. My everything.
Come back to me Inuyasha. . . .