Faith walked cautiously down the stairs, not because she was afraid of anyone but because she doubted her own stability. She had fallen asleep and less than an hour later she woke up sicker than she could remember ever being. She had spent the entire remainder of the night in the bathroom throwing up. After a few hours of that she found herself literally begging for it to stop. She had been shaking and after the first few times there was nothing left for her to purge from her system so she dry heaved.
She was not a fan of throwing up, even though she was fairly sure she held a world record of some kind. But despite how many times it may have happened, it still got her upset and emotional. Kennedy had walked into the bathroom to take a shower early that morning and walked in on Faith sitting on the bathroom floor with a towel against her face. The towel had been enough to get rid of any actual tears, but Kennedy knew she was crying as soon as she saw her painfully red eyes.
Despite how dizzy she was, she forced herself to get dressed. Hopefully moving around and getting occupied with The First would make her forget about how sick she was feeling. The stairs were not an easy task but once she mastered them she realized they were going to be a lot easier than dealing with the shrieking teens in the next room.
"You alright?" Giles asked, catching a glimpse of her trying to steady herself against the wall.
"Yeah," she answered unsteadily, "I'm cool."
"Kennedy told me you weren't feeling well this morning. Perhaps-"
"I'm fine."
"Very well," he agreed, disappearing into the oncoming crowd of Potentials. Their chatter seemed deafening to her this morning and she felt as though their voices were going to literally tear her into jagged pieces. Kennedy walked up to her and repeated the same conversation as Giles just had to Faith's displeasure.
"How are you feeling?"
"Can everyone stop asking me that?" she snapped.
"Yeah, I was actually just being polite… but since we're skipping that. I need to ask you something. Well, it's more than just one question it's kind of like… I'm not sure. Can we just talk for a minute?"
"Yeah," Faith answered. There was a crash as one of the girls hit a lamp off of a table. "Let's talk somewhere that's not here." She directed Kennedy out of the hallway and out onto the front stoop. Faith sat down on the steps and quickly lit herself a cigarette. Kennedy sat down closely next to her and watched her feet move for a few seconds before asking quickly,
"What was prison like?"
"That's what you wanted to talk about as soon as I got downstairs?"
"Yeah, I mean, what was it like? Something like that really changes a person, you know?"
"I do know, actually."
"Well, yeah, of course you do. Was it like all of the movies? You know, like where you have to beat up the toughest guy, err, girl on your first day so no one messes with you? And did you run your own gang? What was the food like? And showers, oh my God, showering… you… all of those… with you. They stared, didn't they?"
"You got a little drool there," she answered, motioning towards Kennedy's chin.
"I'm just saying," she joked back.
"Well for Miss Boarding School you sure have a lot of questions about jail. You planning on doing a field trip there or maybe a long-term stay?"
"No, neither," she answered, "I just see you and… well, I know that being in prison really changes a person and I'm trying to figure out what you were like before."
"What's with all this trying to figure me out stuff? I don't know if I like that," she joked with a mocking glare. Kennedy held her ground and Faith finally answered, "Okay, I didn't plan on kicking anyone's ass while I was there because that was the whole point of me being there… you know, to stop hurting people. Within like two minutes of me being there though I realized that wasn't going to be a solid plan. I had a little rumble with a group of chicks and then some cops got involved and got hurt so that definitely wasn't fun but it didn't take long for the girls to catch on to not mess. I definitely spent my time alone – gave me time to think about stuff. The food was… well, it was terrible but it was free, so I guess I shouldn't complain and the showering situation definitely sucked major ass. Now really, what did you really want to talk to me about?"
"What do you mean?" she snapped defensively.
"You're all antsy like… what's bugging you?"
"Actually, you're right. It's this thing… with Willow. I thought you'd be a good person to talk to. I mean I get that you're not into chicks but…"
"Hey, to each his, or in this case, her own. Yo, if I could get off with chicks I'd be so happy – they're a lot less fucking annoying than guys – but unfortunately it just doesn't do it for me."
"When you're with someone… well, if you're able to be with someone does that mean that you love them? Or at least care about them? I mean, there's no reason someone would be with someone else unless they had certain feelings for them, right?"
"Definitely," Faith concluded, "you've got to have feelings. You and Willow are great for each other. You definitely keep her in this reality, which she needs. She's also a lot less uptight when she gets unwound once in a while, you know. If you're having cold feet about it, that's just normal."
"But since I can be with her, you know, and I have been more than once, that means that there's something there, right?"
"Definitely."
"So in order for two people to continue being with each other, both of them have to have feelings. But what if one of them didn't have feelings for the other? What if one of them was just using the other for some reason?"
"You lost me," Faith admitted.
"What if both of them were just using each other for some reason? What if they both thought they were just using each other and really one of them was doing it because they really needed the other person and the other was just trying to hurt her?"
Faith laughed uncomfortably realizing the trap she had just walked willingly into. Hornet's Nest, there she was.
"Kennedy, there's being with someone and then there's just sex. And sex doesn't mean anything," she clarified strictly. Even though Kennedy felt like her stomach was not only hanging at her ankles but also twisting around on itself, she continued to press forward since what she was observing with Faith and Xander was ripping her to pieces.
"I think you're wrong. When it's just sex it tends to mean a lot more. When you're with someone it's love or caring. When it's just sex it gets to consume all of those other emotions."
"Well, if you're the expert why did you need to talk about it?"
"Why do you do it?"
"Like I said, it's just sex, kid."
"Just sex once, I get, but not several times… One night stands work because you're with the person and then they go away but with him you see him the next day and he's mean to you and you still let him back into your bed. And you let him hurt you!" she yelled, finally losing the control she had capping her emotions. She pointed at Faith's neck accusingly, "You let him hurt you!"
At the moment Faith's neck was covered by the jacket she was wearing but Kennedy had spotted the bruise that morning in the bathroom. There was a red bite mark that was practically a welt on her skin and all over the rest of her neck were small black bruises.
"He's not hurting me," Faith defended weakly.
"Anya never let him do that to her."
"Kennedy, what do you want from me, huh? It's none of your business what the fuck I do, alright. Back the fuck off." Faith answered, finally snapping at the moral lecture.
"Do you love him?"
"We answered that already – it's just sex."
"Okay, so we said that that means it's not love. What is it then?"
"Kennedy-"
"Do you hate him? Are you angry? Upset? Lonely?"
"What the-"
"I just don't understand! I don't understand why you would let him hurt you like this! He's hurting you and you let him!"
"Kennedy, he's not hurting me, okay? I'm a Slayer, this doesn't hurt!"
"Yeah, that's why you're crying all night and why you're up throwing up too, right? It's because he makes you feel so special inside, huh?"
The front door opened and Xander poked his head out naively,
"Breakfast is ready."
"Thanks," Faith said dismissively. He nodded and went back inside, completely unaware of their conversation. It was probably a good thing that there were still a few people left in the house that lacked Slayer hearing. "Let's go eat, okay?" Faith asked, turning back to Kennedy. She shook her head and answered angrily,
"I'm not hungry."
"What happened to that big ol' appetite of yours?" Faith asked, still trying to add some levity to the situation.
"I guess it's floating around somewhere with your dignity," she answered harshly. Faith felt as though Kennedy had just landed a solid kick to her stomach. Her usual reaction would've been sharp, fierce and unfettered anger but that wasn't what she felt. Her throat suddenly felt like it had closed completely and there was a large, choking knot maintaining the blockage.
"I…" Faith tried to say, trying to think of a defense for herself but the words refused to come out.
"You know, I get why Buffy was crying the other day when you showed up that morning. At first I didn't get it and you know what, this little reality check I got for some reason, man, I really wish I could send it back. You think since she's gone now – your big sister – that no one's watching you anymore? No one cares what happens to you now? You think that she was the only one you'd ever have to answer to?"
"I don't answer to you… if that's what you're trying to say."
"Well who the hell do you answer to?"
"Me," she snapped, more than ready for this conversation to be over.
"No you don't – that's the problem." Faith flicked her third cigarette to the ground nonchalantly then quickly grabbed Kennedy by the front of her jacket and picked her up to her feet and slammed her against the house with one arm positioned under her chin, pressing against her throat. Faith stared at her viciously for several moments then warned,
"Unless you want to figure out first hand what I was like before I went to prison, back yourself the fuck out of my deal." She held her there for another long moment then let her fall to the ground as she reentered the house. Kennedy sat on the porch gripping her neck and gasping for air. She couldn't decide whether she was shaking from all of the fear or her disappointment of not getting through to Faith at all. It hurt her to see Faith, someone she had quickly realized she had more respect for than anyone she had ever met, putting herself in such an unhealthy situation.
Faith walked into the kitchen and went straight for the cabinet with the aspirin in it. Fucking brat had only helped spike her headache. She meandered through the bustle of the kitchen and opened the cabinet, pulling out the small bottle of pills. Girls moved around behind her, squeezing by her left and right as she tried to pour them into her hand. She felt like she couldn't move but everything around her had just shifted into fast forward. She blinked, keeping her eyes closed for three times the normal duration hoping to slow everything down.
The prattle of all of the girls seemed to rise in pitch and be going so fast it became like a high pitched buzz of a siren. She forced herself to remain composed, now just standing facing the back counter as everyone continued to jet back and forth with no notice. At the exact moment she felt like she was just going to loose her shit completely Xander touched her arm gently and said with genuine concern,
"You should eat something when you take those," gesturing towards the aspirin. With his touch and his calm, caring voice everything around her calmed to its normal speed but everyone continued doing just what they were doing before. She took a small breath as though it were the first she had taken since she entered the kitchen.
"Yeah," she answered, her lack of breath evident from her tone, "grab me something to eat." He turned to get her a plate a food, noticing her order to be more of a gentle request. He had been doing his best to keep up with cleaning dishes for the next round of people to eat and helping serve up more food when he couldn't keep himself from stealing a few glances in her direction. He had seen the look on her face and the way she seemed to be holding both the countertop and the bottle of pills as though they were going to help her stay standing. For that moment when he allowed himself to look over at her – just for that small glance that would make his entire day worth it – he let his guard down, and inside admitted to the way he really felt. And seeing her there he realized he was worried.
"Yeah," Andrew chimed in, completely unaware that Faith wasn't feeling well. "Xander's right, you could get an ulcer if you don't eat when you take those. This one time, I thought I had one but it turned out it was just diarrhea… but they can be really bad. An ulcer is when you get a hole in your stomach and…" he babbled until he remembered Faith's stab wound at Buffy's hand. She glanced up at him, flashing him a warning to stop bothering her and he concluded, "But I guess you know about those already." He quickly made himself disappear into the crowd again.
Xander walked up to her again, this time with a plate of food balanced on his right hand. He touched the small of her back gently with his left and said as he lowered the plate in front of her,
"Here."
"Thanks," she answered, locking eyes with him even though she was repeatedly chanting in her head not to look at him. She didn't even realize she had done it but she pulled her lower lip between her teeth gently and could see it shorten his breath.
-----------
She couldn't figure out why, but she needed this. She needed him. She didn't remember putting the aspirin down or not touching any of the food on her plate. She didn't remember leaving the kitchen without anyone noticing and she didn't even remember walking around to the side of the house. But there she was with him holding her up against the side of the house with her thighs gripping his sides as he slowly slid in and out of her.
He kissed her gently and held her body softly. He caressed her chin softly with his hand before kissing it just as tenderly. She was just as gentle, and strangely loving, with him. She would embrace his head in a gentle hug as she kissed the side of his forehead. He watched her chest rise and fall with each breath, lowering his lips to just beneath where her necklace fell and placed tiny kisses there.
After what seemed like forever in their slow motion session, Xander gently lowered her legs to the ground and helped steady her as she stood there. She held his shoulders to steady herself looking down at his chest, which was still clothed by a gray sweatshirt. He brought his hand up to her face and she flinched quickly away.
"Shh," he soothed, bringing his hand up again, this time more slowly. He felt the tension inside of her. It had reached a point where she couldn't deal with it anymore and without her newly developed self control she would have been the same person she was years before. He moved the stray hair away from her face and gently wiped the moisture from the corners of her eyes before placing soft kisses in their absence.
Xander zipped and buckled his pants as she pulled hers back on. He knew this was usually when she would say something nasty to him and he would walk away angrily so he decided to skip over the middle part and motioned to walk away. To both of their surprise, she grabbed his arm. He looked at her questioningly and she absolutely shocked him. She embraced his neck gently with her arms, then rested her head on his chest without a word of explanation. He heard her silent plea and allowed his arms to fall around her waist. She allowed herself to bask in the feeling of being held that way and ignored the fact that he was only doing it out of a sense of duty since he had just gotten to fuck her. She stared down at his chest as he held her, pretending she could see right to his heart with every name on it but her own.
Feeling the tears begin to well back into her eyes she forced herself to leave the warmth and security of his arms. She forced a soft laugh, still fixing her eyes on the ground.
"Sorry," was all she could say. She glanced up at him and he simply nodded before walking away as he had intended to do before. "Hey," she called softly. He stopped after a few paces and without turning completely around listened to her claim, "I don't love you, you know." She wasn't sure why saying those words was like pulling a sharp sword from her throat. She felt as though she could feel the wound the blade had made begin to bleed. She could feel the blood spilling down her throat but allowing her to taste it in the back of her mouth.
"Good."
-------------
"So once we're called, we get a Watcher?" Rhona asked curiously. "Well, under normal circumstances, right?"
"Under normal circumstances, yes," Giles answered. "Why do you ask?"
"Who's Faith's Watcher?"
"It's-" Giles began confidently, then soon realized it wasn't exactly a simple answer. "Well… I suppose technically it's still Wesley."
"Who?"
"Mr. Wesley Windom-Pryce. He's working in Los Angeles with Angel right now…"
"Why did you say technically?"
"Well, Faith actually has a complicated history of Watchers," he tried to explain.
"It seems like Faith has a complicated history with more than just Watchers," Kennedy answered.
"Who were her other Watchers?" Molly asked.
"Well, her first was… well, she was killed."
"Did Faith kill her?" Rhona asked. "Cause she came pretty close to demolishing all of us yesterday."
"No," Giles snapped angrily, "she did not kill her. Her Watcher was actually killed in front of her… quite brutally I would imagine."
"Is there any other kind of death in this business?" Vi asked. Silence filled the room for a moment and Giles pressed on,
"Faith then had, well, there was a woman who came and pretended to be her Watcher but really she was just an-" Giles stopped himself and tried to find more appropriate adjectives, "She was evil," he concluded would suffice as a description. "She manipulated Faith quite mercilessly. A Watcher is put in a very powerful position to a Slayer and she took advantage of that position with Faith." Giles found himself lingering on that thought for a long moment, unable to ignore just how many bad breaks Faith had had to deal with.
"So, did Faith kill her?"
"No," he answered, harshly again. "Buffy did…" his tone more shy, realizing that his original harshness was probably uncalled for. "And then I was Faith's Watcher for the transitional period until Wesley took over. And obviously she didn't kill me," he added.
"Did she kill Wesley?"
"For the love of God, no!" he shouted.
"Actually, she almost did," Willow interjected quietly.
"Well, yes… I supposed she did," Giles admitted.
"That's got to be like some kind of a record. Four Watchers… and I'm guessing the only reason the fourth one is still around is because he's no where near her, huh?" Vi asked with a smirk.
"Faith's past is nothing to giggle about!" Giles scolded firmly. The girls were silenced quickly by his tone. "Even out of the lot of you, all of you are from different backgrounds, but none of you grew up in the circumstances that she did. None of you."
"Was she worse than she is now?" Molly asked, "Because she hasn't been talking since… you know, Buffy… I mean she beat us all up a bit, but before she was… I don't know. She seems real upset."
"She is. Buffy was very important to her."
"Then why did she try to kill her?" Kennedy asked, "Does she only kill people she likes or something?"
"That was a long time ago."
-----------
Faith sat on the wooden bench in the backyard, digging a small hole in the dirt with the toe of her boot. She leaned her elbow on the back of the bench, resting her head on her hand as she stared down at the dirt. Her thoughts, as usual, were having fun fucking with her. As she stared down at the dirt, a memory came to her that at first she had trouble placing. She didn't know when it was from, and when she figured it out, she wished she hadn't.
She stood in a defensive stance, holding her stake ready in her hand, and ground her heels down into the dirt for a good grip. The huge vamp approached her and before she could make one punch she was out – the only thing she could feel was the dirt against the side of her face. She didn't know how long she had been out for but when she finally opened her eyes all she could feel was the cold, wet dirt on her cheek. She was finally able to focus her eyes and she saw her Watcher. They violated her in ways that reinvented the term. Pushing herself to her feet she screamed as loud as she could but her voice only came out as a small, meek voice.
"Stop it!"
The ancient vamp turned towards her and smiled. He nodded in agreement and Faith was shocked, but relieved that he was actually going to listen to her. And she soon realized that she should've learned by now that no one ever does what you ask them to. With one flick of his wrist he snapped her Watcher's neck.
"No!" She screamed angrily. The only thing she could make herself do was pull her knife from her back pocket and throw it with all of her might at the vamp. It sliced his eye and he let out a terrifying scream. She ran. She ran until her lungs burned. She ran down the dark, desolate streets of the city until she reached a forest of trees. She kept running, trying to lose herself in the trees. She ran, glancing behind her shoulder until her foot caught on a rock and she flew forward, hitting the jagged ground with a thud. Once again she felt the dirt on her face. She closed her eyes and just tried to remember what that dirt felt like. She knew the only thing she could count on in her life was that she would die like this. Her last feeling would be the cool, damp dirt against her face.
"Faith… God, woman, hello!" Spike yelled, finally walking out towards Faith on the bench.
"It's not my fault!" she screamed, being ripped out of her daydream.
"You really are clinically insane," he answered. She glanced down at the ground and saw the small hole she had dug and she cupped the side of her face with her hand. "Not that I care, but are you alright?" She ignored him and asked,
"How long since it's been dark out?"
"You want to know something?" Spike asked, turning back to her. "You've bloody lost it." He turned away again and headed back into the kitchen where everyone had gathered for the night's hunt. Faith stood from the bench, more than a little disturbed that she had been sitting out there all day. She stepped on the hole she had dug, packing it back into its original flat surface, and walked into the kitchen.
"Alright, G, what's the what?" she asked, closing the door behind her.
"That's up to you," Willow answered with a semi-encouraging smile.
"Umm…" Faith mumbled, trying to think. Her head was just a giant cloud of fog and here she was being asked to think about something that she didn't even know what about. She finally broke her silence by walking over to the kitchen cabinet and pulling out the bottle of aspirin again.
"Have you been having a lot of pain?" Giles inquired.
"Nah, it's just a headache."
"It's from stress," Andrew stated as though it were a professional diagnosis.
"Thanks, Drew," she answered sarcastically. "Alright, I'm feeling like a kill so-" Faith stopped when she noticed all of the Potentials simultaneously take a small step backwards. "You've got to be fucking kidding me!" They all caught themselves and stopped. "You guys have an afternoon of fucking story telling?" she asked angrily.
"No, I was-" Giles began.
"You know what, it's cool." She began walking for the hallway and Kennedy asked quickly,
"Where are you going?"
"I'm going to patrol. All of you stay here with Giles, Willow, and Xander. You'll be safer with them."
"Xander's not here," Molly answered.
"Where is he?"
"He went out for a drive with Anya," Kennedy answered.
"Oh… well, that's cool. He wouldn't save you guys anyway, I just added him in there to be nice. Willow and Giles will keep you all safe. I'll be back by morning."
"Faith, do you really think that's a good idea? You said it yourself, those vampires took out both you and Buffy. They were organized and-"
"I'm not really big on caring right now, Giles."
"I need to speak with you for a moment," he said commandingly, leading the way to another room. She followed him without a word but as he stopped in the hallway, ready to lay into her about her attitude in front of the girls, she continued to walk right past him and out the front door, slamming it behind her. The Potentials all stared down the hallway from the kitchen, shocked.
---------------
Faith returned back to the house a little before five o'clock in the morning. She walked up to her room and closed the door behind her. She pulled her coat off and tossed it onto the bed, purposely hitting Xander with it. The room was practically pitch but she knew he was there as soon as she walked in.
"What the fuck do you want?"
"Where've you been?"
"Get out."
"Nice to see you're alive too," he answered sardonically. She rolled her eyes and sat down on the bed trying to ignore him. She propped her foot up on the bed in front of her and untied the laces on her boots. He noticed how slow she was when she moved. He moved up behind her on the bed and took over untying her boots. She strangely allowed him to take over the task for her but was sure to show no appreciation. She kicked them off slowly. Suspicious, Xander motioned to try and help her out of her jacket. She stood up, knowing it would be easier that way. He stood also and slowly pulled off her denim jacket one sleeve at a time. Once it was off, even in the dark shadows of the room, he could see her body was covered in scrapes and bruises.
She pulled her stake out from the waist of her jeans and tossed it on the floor by her boots. Xander ran his hands over her skin cautiously and her skin quivered from distrust that he'd touch one of the cuts. He couldn't help but feel pangs of guilt knowing that a few of the bruises were caused by him.
"Are you trying to get yourself killed?"
"Whatever it takes to get a thrill these days…"
"Faith…"
"Yo, at ease, soldier, I got my release for the night, you're off duty. Get lost." She turned away from him and lay down cautiously on the bed, not wanting to put unnecessary pressure on any of the bruises. Xander stood there for a moment and despite his unsettled feeling – since he couldn't get a read on her tonight – he took a step towards the bed. "Don't even think about it," she warned. He nodded silently and left.
-
That day outside had been a mistake. It was a slip on both of their parts. This thing they were doing, whatever it was, wasn't supposed to be gentle or loving, or even comforting for that matter, it was supposed to hurt. It was supposed to be mean and vicious to pay for everything she had done. She had let someone die right in front of her and it was as though she was asleep and it just happened. She let the only person that mattered to her die and now she had to pay for it, even if it was just by hurting herself. She knew there were other ways she needed to deal with the death but right now she wasn't ready for any of that, and this mentality was the only way she knew how.
A full month went by and their strange "something" continued. They would have days when neither would even look at the other and others when they would screw, fuck, get bouncy, wriggly, and nasty, all in one day. They had the opposite of a relationship; someone could even call it an anti-relationship.
It seemed like everything he could do to hurt her, he would, sometimes just to see if she'd admit that it upset her. He had fired things back up with Anya with absolutely no regard towards Anya at all. He simply wanted to see if Faith would actually admit to being pissed off about it. She didn't say a word but he knew it hurt her. And for some reason, that made him feel like doing it again. It seemed the meaner he was to her, the meaner she'd let him be when he fucked her. He knew it was all because of what happened to Buffy. She couldn't handle what had happened so she needed some sort of escape. Most people chose a tropical island, but then there was Faith who clearly enjoyed torture, pain, and stress much more.
And every day Faith seemed to block everyone out a little bit more. It was like if she listened to anyone she might have to snap out of it, especially when it came to Kennedy. She couldn't stand seeing Faith this way and the girl was stupid because she tended to let Faith know it. Faith just pushed her further and further away every single day. They barely even looked at each other. Faith couldn't deal with her because it seemed like even looking at her made her realize something that she - for some reason she couldn't understand - didn't want to, or couldn't, realize. As time went by it wasn't just Kennedy that was having this effect. Everyone in the house seemed to make her life seem disjointed and out of place so she ignored them.