My Story, Her Story Chapter 6: Who We Really Are, a holes fanfic

(A.N. I do not own the song, it belongs to Eve 6. It's title is Beautiful Oblivion. All credit for it goes to Eve 6. And, of course, I do not own holes or any of it's characters that are not my originals.Thank you to every one who's reviewed! I hope you enjoy this chapter too.)

"I would swallow my pride, I would choke on the rinds

But the lack thereof would leave me empty inside.

I would swallow my doubt, turn it inside out

Find nothin' but faith in nothin'.

Wanna' put my tender heart in a blender

And watch it spin around to a beautiful oblivion.

Rendezvous, then I'm through with you."

Kate stood unmoving under the running water and let the tears run down her cheeks. She had taken sheets out of the laundry and hung them over the bar so no one could see her. But even behind the cloth with no one around she didn't feel safe. The water stopped and she dried off with her "borrowed" towel. As she pulled her dirt stained shirt over her head Kate noticed a shadow lurking outside. With a sigh of exasperation she pushed the sheet aside and stepped out, intent on avoiding whoever was hanging around. Looking around her she decided that the shadow had moved on, minding its own business. As she walked around the corner toward the water spigot Kate looked up at the stars. The sight was breath taking, the sky as clear as glass seemed to mirror space itself. Within a few moments she was lost in the view. Maybe there was something good about Green Lake after all. Taking a deep breath she lowered her eyes just in time to run into a water soaked torso. Backing up she found that she was looking at X-Ray.

"Watch it!" He said with glare

"Sorry," she mumbled not really wanting deal with him. Come to think of it she didn't want to deal with anyone.

"Who do you think you are anyway? Using everything meant for us?" X-Ray said despite her attempts to avoid a confrontation.

"What's your problem?" she shot back.

"You! You're always watching us for her. We all know it, even Zig isn't off on this one."

"You have no idea what you're talking about. She hates me, why would I do her any favors?"

"You and I both know that survival's the name of the game out here. If it means living, you'll do it. You're no better then the rest of us."

She stared at him a moment before her look became smug and indignation filled her voice, "Yes, I am."

X-Ray just laughed, "Boy, have you got yourself fooled." Then he walked off, leaving her speechless. Somewhere inside of her she knew he was right, she wasn't any better then the boys. With a sigh she walked on, forgetting the water and making for the bench.

XXXXXXX

"I burn, burn like a wicker cabinet

Chalk white and oh so frail

I see our time has gotten stale

The tick tock of the clock is painful

All sane and logical

I want to tear it off the wall

I hear words and clips and phrases

I think sick like ginger ale

My stomach turns and I exhale."

Kate rolled over and opened her eyes only to face a living nightmare. Trip was back, no doubt wanting recompense for that afternoon.

"What do you want?" she mumbled groggily.

"I think you know the answer to that."

"Go away." Kate jolted up as he set a hand on her leg.

Roughly he grabbed her arms, holding her in place. "You owe me."

"For what?" she nearly yelled.

"For the pool table incident, for this afternoon."

"I don't owe you a thing!" she screamed before spitting in his face.

In anger he raised a hand a brought it down on her cheek. In response she pulled away from him and hit him as hard as she could. From then on she just kept pounding, over and over until his face was a bloody mass. In a sudden move of final defense Trip reached over and grabbed the ring that pierced her cartilage. In furry he pulled until she felt in rip through her ear. Kate screamed in pain before continuing her assault. Suddenly she felt strong hands grab her arms and pull her away from the fight.

"That's enough," she heard Zigzag state firmly.

"Let me go!" she hissed as she tried to turn her wrath on him but he held tight. Finally she realized he wasn't threatening her, in fact he was probably saving her.

Without a response to her demand he looked at Trip, "Go to bed," he nearly ordered.

"Go to bed? Man, can you see what she did to my face?"

"Run it under the faucet and then beat it."

"You think you can order me around?" Trip asked through his now swollen lips.

Zigzag released Kate and stepped forward, his eyes flashing contempt. "Beat it."

This time Trip didn't take a chance. If Kate could do this, Zig could do much worse. "Fine," he growled and then stalked off.

Zigzag watched Trip until he was out of sight, then he turned to Kate. "What was that?"

"A fight, genius." She snapped, placing a hand over her ripped ear.

"You don't get it do you? Picking fights around here is just stupid."

"So, you think I'm stupid?"

Zig turned to walk away, "Until you prove otherwise."

XXXXXXX

More tears overcame her as she watched Zigzag disappear. He didn't get it, no one did. All she wanted was to be safe; she wanted them to leave her alone. However, she knew they never would. Forever she would bare their scorn, Lou's hate, Pendanski's mockery. With a sob she wanted to cry out. She hated them all, every last one of them. Trip would always be there to grab at her and Zigzag would always be there to watch her. She wanted out so bad it hurt. She prayed for a lizard to come, one bite was all would take. In frustrated desperation Kate grabbed her makeup bag and unzipped it. Inside was her one way of escape. Trying to bottle up the tears again she ran until she was behind the shower, by the spigot. Trip could kiss her all he wanted in the morning because she wouldn't be able to feel it. Angry at the world she clutched the razor, trying not to think about how much her action would hurt. Carefully she took the blade and lightly pressed it against her wrist, biting her lip to keep from crying. Pushing just a little harder Kate slid the object across her skin, crying out in surprise and pain. She watched as a small line of blood formed on her wrist and knew she would have to cut deeper to reach the artery. Gripping the blade even harder as her fingers became slick with sweat she placed the metal against her wounded wrist, then she closed her eyes, unable to watch a second time. Kate hesitated for a moment and that was when time froze. For the second time that night a warm hand wrapped itself around her arm, only now the touch was softer though the grasp was firmer. Slowly she opened her eyes and gasped as she saw Zigzag staring at her bloodied wrist. Silently she watched as he pulled her hand away from her arm and began to put pressure on the wound with his free hand. It felt as if hours passed while Zigzag sat there, watching the decreasing blood flow. Then he looked at Kate, both his hands still keeping the blade away from her arm. With a sharp pain of realization Zigzag knew he finally understood her. This girl wasn't working for the Warden; instead Kate was running from her. She wanted out just like they did, more than they did in fact. He understood her longing to escape everything that tortured her. Perhaps he and Katherine were more alike than anyone knew. A sob from Kate broke through his thoughts and he focused on the cut again. "You're lucky you didn't get any deeper."

"I wouldn't call it luck."

Zig looked at her for a few more moments, "Why?"

Kate sucked in a deep breath and time started to move again. He had asked that jarring question, the one she didn't want to answer. Vigorously she shook her head.

He sighed, for now he wouldn't push it. "Let's get this wrapped up."

"Why bother? It didn't matter earlier."

"You don't know that."

"I really don't get you." She watched as he grabbed one of the sheets from the shower bar and tore a strip from it.

"No one does," He replied gruffly, turning on the spigot and soaking the cloth.

"Well maybe someone would if you didn't act so crazy all the time." She watched the sky as Zigzag began to wrap her wrist.

This time he didn't respond. He wasn't in the mood for the whole crazy bit. Without thinking he pulled the wrap a bit tighter and Kate winced. "Sorry," he mumbled.

"Don't be, no one else ever is."

Zig shook his head as he finished with her wrist. "I'll be sorry if I want to. Now give me that," he told her motioning toward the blade that was still clutched in her hand.

About to protest Kate's mouth shut when she saw his glare, his eyes burning through her. Slowly she offered him the tool with a shaking hand and he took it.

"Got any more?"

"No," she whispered.

Zigzag nodded. Tonight Kate was completely see-through with no strength left to lie. "Okay, Kate, why?"

She huffed, "Why not? My father's dead, my step-mother beats me, Trip keeps trying too…" She stopped for a minute before changing her thought, "Everyone at this stupid camp hates me. What do I have left?"

"More than you think."

"What do you know about any of it?"

"It doesn't matter what I know about it."

"Then tell me what I have to live for?"

"What about that cousin, the one who dropped you off?"

Kate fell silent, he was right. Harry would be ashamed of her for trying to end her life. And what about his daughter, Bethany? Harry always said Beth loved her and asked after her.

Zigzag continued. "It may seem like any easy way out, Kate, but all you're really doing is hurting people."

Kate looked him in the eye for the first time that night, "What is it with you? One minute you couldn't care less and the next you're preaching at me."

Zig gave a bitter laugh, "What's with me?"

Kate nodded and rubbed her wrapped arm.

"I finally understand where you're coming from."

"Oh, and where's that?" Kate nearly spat the question.

"Hell, just like the rest of us."

For the first time since her arrival Kate was speechless. He was right, he understood, and now so did she. Zigzag had tried the same thing she had once. All she could do was watch him as she sorted through her thoughts. Zigzag caught her eye and they both knew what the other was thinking. They were nothing alike and yet they knew where the other had been. A silence fell between them, neither sure what to say next. Then he remembered her unfinished list of reasons. "What were you saying about Trip?" Once again she shook her head. " It doesn't matter."

Zig sighed, "You're impossible."

"Let's just say I'm a product of my surroundings."

"Don't feed me that garbage, Kate! If Trip did something you've got to tell someone."

"Why do you care all of a sudden?"

"Because I understand now. Don't you get it? I know exactly how you feel." Zig said as he stowed the razor in his pocket.

"No, I don't get it. All of a sudden you 'understand' me. It's like you're a different person."

"You've got a lot to learn, Angel."

"I'm no angel, buddy."

"Compared to the rest of us you are."

Kate laughed, "And you think you understand me. Yeah right."

Zigzag turned his attention to the ground. Then he gave her a look that told her he'd better get a straight answer. "So, why did you hit Trip?"

Slowly Kate looked up at him. His look became hard and cold again, like a mask had been placed over the face of the boy she had been talking to. "I said it didn't matter."

Zigzag stood in frustration, "Fine, if you want to keep hiding behind your little act, go ahead."

"You don't have room to talk, bud. If anyone here hides behind an act it's you." He didn't say anything so Kate kept going, "You've got everyone thinking you're almost psychotic! I know you don't really see things on the TV, I know you're not as paranoid as everyone says you are, I know…" She stopped as he interrupted her.

"You don't know anything, Kate! We may both know what desperation feels like but beyond that we're complete strangers!"

"It works for me." She said rising and turning to leave.

"You're the only person you've got fooled Kate, we can all see through you."

"There's nothing to see." Kate told him as she looked over her shoulder.

Zig reached out a lightly grabbed her arm, "You're wrong and you know it." He paused as she turned to face him and that hardened mask lifted, "You're scared. I know you loved your dad and his death hit you pretty hard. You feel vulnerable because of that."

"Stop…" she tried to put her back to him but couldn't help looking over her shoulder. Her action caused his face to ice over again. "Just as well," she thought to herself. Slowly she looked ahead and began to walk away.

"You know I'm right," He called after her. This time his voice was cold, completely devoid of any 'understanding'.

Kate felt her spine stiffen as she yelled, "Just shut up you paranoid freak!" Then she ran as fast as she could out onto the lake, all the while cursing Zigzag, cursing herself. She hated everything about her life. Feeling the sudden need to hide Kate jumped into a hole, not bothering to check for lizards. The hole was empty and she allowed herself to slide down the wall. In anger she beat the dirt and tired to forget the guilt she was feeling. He'd said he understood her but Zigzag didn't know about everything she had done wrong in her life. Kate's fists slowed and she pressed herself against the side of her hole, squeezing her eyes shut. However, there were no more tears left to cry, there wasn't any pain to feel now. She bit her lip as everything inside her and around her became numb. Out of nowhere there was a noise near to top of the hole. Kate didn't bother to check what it was. Tonight she didn't care. Keeping her eyes closed she allowed her breaths to slow. She faintly heard the noise one last time as she drifted off to sleep.

XXXXXXX

"I would swallow my pride

I would choke on the rinds

But the lack thereof

Would leave me empty inside

I would swallow my doubt

Turn it inside out

Find nothin' but faith in nothing

Wanna put my tender

Heart in a blender

Watch it spin round to a beautiful oblivion

Rendezvous, then I'm through with you

But I alone am the one you don't know

You need to keep for your ego

Make me blind when your eyes close

Sink when you get close

Tie me to the bed post

I alone am the one you don't know

You need you don't you need me

Make me blind when your eyes close

Tie me to the bedpost." Zigzag stood frozen in place by Kate's harsh words. It didn't matter if they were true not, nor did he care that they came from Kate. All that mattered was that someone had told him that. As he watched her form melt into the lake he could feel himself harden all the more. What had he done that was so wrong? All he had done was try to save her. He wasn't sure why but he had felt compelled to stop her. In a way it felt like saving himself from what he had tried to do so many years ago. "Ricky! Why can't you stay out of trouble?" His father yelled at him.

"I don't know dad, I just can't." He knew it was the wrong answer but there was no other way to put it. He simply had a knack for trouble. He got picked on because he was jumpy and looked different than most guys at the high school. He wasn't an athlete and he wasn't all that smart either, or so it seemed to him. He avoided anything like drama or choir too, though he was a closet musician. Ricky sighed; it hadn't always been this way. He had had friends once, before the stabbing.

His dad now stood in the doorway of his room, " 'I don't know' is not an answer Richard."

Ricky cringed at the use of his full name; it always meant he was in hot water. "Yeah, I know. But I still can't explain it to you, Dad. Things just happen, I feel like everyone's watching me. It's like someone is waiting to jump me or something."

His father's face softened, "Rick, I know that ever since you got into that scrape a few years back trust has been an issue." At this Ricky rolled his eyes. No one ever called his getting jumped and nearly stabbed to death what it was. They just called it, 'The Scrape". The older man continued, "But you have to remember that not everyone is out to get you. You don't have to hit a person just because they tap you on the shoulder."

"I know. It's hard trusting people, though."

His father nodded, as if he understood. "I'm sure it is, son, but you have got to learn."

Ricky whispered an "Okay" and his dad left the room. Slowly he got up off the bed and closed the door. Then he reached under his pillow, his hand finding a small round object. With only slight hesitation he took his mother's bottle of pain pills and twisted it open with a flick of his wrist. Without thinking about the amount he began to pour them into his hand. One by one the little round objects fell out of the bottle and into his grasp, they were smooth, almost comforting. When his hand was full he squeezed his eyes shut and poured the pills into his mouth. His face twisted in disgust at the taste as he ground them with his teeth. After the handful was gone he went back to his bed and lay down. How long would it take? He wondered. Ricky shrugged, it didn't matter, all his problems would soon be over.

Ricky woke to his mother's sobbing and the comforting sound of his father's voice Slowly, painfully; he opened his eyes and saw that he was in a hospital room. The various beeps and whirring of machinery were beginning to register. Before he could get a word out his mother embraced him, "Ricky! Thank God you're alright."

"It didn't work," he thought to himself. "Why didn't it work?"

His father grabbed his hand, "Why would you try a thing like that, Rick?"

Quietly he shook his head no, "I don't want to talk about it."

"Honey please, we need to know. What made you think to try to…" she stopped short, unable to continue.

With a sigh he realized that he was too tired to fight them. "Because I do everything wrong."

"What? Ricky, no you don't. Why would you think that?"

"Mom, I'm always in trouble! My grades aren't high enough, I'm always getting into fights, you and Dad are always fighting about how paranoid I am, and the kids at school think I'm a freak. It doesn't matter how hard I try I can't fix any of it. I'm a problem."

"No you're not, you're our son. I know your dad and I have been fighting a lot lately but it's not because of you."

"Yeah right," was all he could manage as he felt his throat begin to close. He had messed up again…he had hurt his mother.

"Son, your mother's right," his dad began, "You are not a problem. We love you no matter what."

Ricky was speechless; it had been so long since he had heard those three little words…"we love you". A million thoughts started flying through his head and he did his best to shut his mind down. However, one little thought did get through to him, "See, they do love you, when it's convenient."

Zigzag shook himself out of the past as a rough hand grabbed his shoulder.

"What are you doing out here so late?" Mr. Sir hissed in his ear.

"Just getting some water, Mr. Sir."

"Sure you are," he snarled and then let go and walked off. Zig relaxed slightly as the counselor left. For a minute he thought that Trip had blabbed about the fight. Letting out a heavy sigh he looked at the lake one last time before turning back to the tent. He knew why he had stopped Kate, because no one had been there to save him when he had needed it most.

"I would swallow my pride

I would choke on the rinds

But the lack thereof

Would leave me empty inside

Swallow my doubt

Turn it inside out

Find nothin' but faith in nothing

Wanna put my tender

Heart in a blender

Watch it spin round to a beautiful oblivion

Rendezvous, then I'm through

Now I'm through with you

Through with you

Rendezvous then I'm through with you"

(A.N. Okay, just so I don't confuse anyone or anything like that I have to say that I do not support scuicide in any way fashion or form. It is a bad solution to any problem, God is the only solution. Okay, just wanted to make sure you all knew that's where I was coming from. Hope you enjoyed. Please R&R.)